Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Philadelphia vs. Kansas City (-1½)
The Eagles rushed for 229 yards and 7 touchdowns, including 3 apiece by Saquon Barkley and Jalen Hurts, in a 55-23 destruction of the Commanders at Lincoln Financial Field.
"Now," Nick Sirianni said, "that's what I call a 'two-headed monster.' That term is not exclusive to Barkley and Hurts. If I'm verbally sparring with a loud-mouthed Eagles fan, then his ugly wife and equally as ugly sister-in-law are also a 'two-headed monster.'
"The Washington defense has a lot of holes, and we created them all in the NFC championship game. And speaking of 'runs,' the Commanders had a good one, but it's over, and the Commanders can halt construction on that Jayden Daniels statue."
Patrick Mahomes rushed for 2 touchdowns and passed for another, while the Chiefs' defense forged a late stop, as Kansas City toppled the Bills 32-29 to advance to the team's third straight Super Bowl.
"Patrick did what he always does," Andy Reid said. "When all is said and done in his career, if he doesn't go down as the greatest quarterback in history, I will eat my words. And I guarantee I will still be hungry.
"Hats off to that Josh Allen and that Bills team. They pushed us to our absolute limit, and we pushed them to theirs, which is apparently the AFC championship game.
"A lot of the focus is on the offenses of these two teams. But you should absolutely not overlook the defenses. Between them, Eagles defensive coordinators Vic Fangio and Chiefs DC Steve Spagnuolo have almost 60 years of NFL coaching experience. And between them, the two have about 10 years of NFL experience that explains why they are defensive coordinators and not head coaches."
At the coin toss, confusion reigns when Mahomes is asked to call the toss, but out of politeness, defers to the Eagles. Hurts, equally as politely, defers back to the Chiefs. This cycle continues several times until a confused head referee Ron Torbert is forced to name himself captain, call the toss, and flip the coin. Torbert calls "tails," and the toss is "tails." Torbert tells the Chiefs they are kicking, tells the Eagles they are receiving, and tells both teams that if they have a problem with it, there's two things they can do about it: "nothing and like it."
Kendrick Lamar takes the field at halftime, and is joined on the stage by a Drake impersonator. Lamar proceeds to break a bottle of Molson over the Drake character's head, cross-checks him with a hockey stick, assaults him with a maple syrup enema, and kicks him right in the poutine before tossing him off the stage, but not before telling him to enjoy his universal health care.
Lamar then erupts into a medley of diss tracks, targeting anyone and everything, including Raiders' owner Mark Davis' wack haircut, the idea of an 18-game regular season, avocados, UTFO, Roxanne Shante, Ozempec and the whole weight-loss shortcut industry, clowns, the zip+4 postal code, acid reflux, insurance co-pays and deductibles, basic bitches, chopsticks, Omaha Steaks, police benevolence decals, colored duct tape, Timothee Chalamet, cover charges, Ridiculousness re-runs, the Fiji Water girl, outdated magazines in the dentist's office, Blue Man Group, partial lunar eclipses, paper cuts, Dude Wipes, cankles, regular daily flossing, why "asiago" is not pronounced "Asia-Go," dust bunnies, beer pong, any bodily augmentation that uses the word "Brazilian," mommas' boys, gender reveals, hangnails, every single Kardashian, cryptozoology, Dwight Schrute, the price of Girl Scout cookies, porch pirates, and Pat Smear of the Foo Fighters.
After a 30-second timeout, Lamar is joined on the stage by SZA, and the two tear the house down with a cover of Jennifer Warnes' and Joe Cocker's classic duet "Up Where We Belong."
Chiefs win, 30-26. Mahomes wins the Super Bowl MVP award and is also named "Cracker of the Day" by Antonio Brown.
Leave a Comment