Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Washington @ Philadelphia (-6)
The Commanders stunned the Lions 45-31 at Ford Field to advance to their first conference title game in 33 years. Jayden Daniels passed for 299 yards and 2 touchdowns, and the Washington defense forced 5 turnovers, including 4 by Jared Goff.
"Congratulations to the Lions on a great year," Daniels said. "I know it's disappointing, but that's what you get when a blue collar city has a white-collar quarterback, and that white collar squeezes a little tight. In a related note, the Lions have just inquired with the Rams about trading for Matthew Stafford.
"We know the Eagles are a talented team, but I feel like we have the edge in coaching, despite the fact that Dan Quinn wears his ball cap like a 21-year-old douchebag. You shouldn't be surprised if you see Coach doing a keg stand, or boasting of his weight-room exploits, or secretly recording upskirt videos.
"Despite all that, Dan knows his 'X's' and 'O's; Nick Sirianni does, as well, but only in Tic-Tac-Toe. Sirianni has one of the most physically-gifted receivers in A.J. Brown, but still doesn't know how to get him the ball. Maybe Nick needs to read a book, particularly one titled 'Getting A.J. Brown the Football For Dummies.'"
Saquon Barkley rushed for 205 yards and 2 touchdowns, and the Philly defense flexed at key moments, as the Eagles held on to beat the Rams 28-22 at Lincoln Financial Field.
"Saquon can do it all," Nick Sirianni said. "He can break a 78-yard touchdown run, and he can get two tough yards on fourth down. I think that's a function of having the biggest set of quads in the league, and it's not even close. If you compare Saquon's thighs to the next guy's, that 'thigh gap' is bigger than the one the wife or girlfriend of the Eagles fan I'm jawing with has.
"Now, it doesn't bother me one bit that I'm not so well-liked in this league. I heard I was chosen as the 'NFL's Most-Hated Coach,' as voted by Philadelphia Eagles fans and players.
"Jalen is dealing with a knee issue, but he's definitely playing. Jalen on one leg is still better than Kenny Pickett on two. In fact, this team plays best when Kenny is on four legs, which is a chair on the bench.
"But if we're going to be successful in the passing game, our guys will have to turn short passes into long gains. That's called 'yards after catch,' or 'YAC,' not to be confused with 'Yak,' which is Donovan McNabb's lone Super Bowl legacy."
Can the Commanders keep the dream alive? Or, is the clock due to strike midnight on the Commanders' magical postseason run, rendering them nothing more than a blumpkin in a filthy Philadelphia rest stop bathroom?
The Eagles keep it simple, and pound Barkley into the heart of the Washington defense. On defense, the Eagles, ironically, encourage Daniels to run, but only from their talented front four.
Brown takes a short pass and races 60 yards for a touchdown late to give the Eagles a seemingly insurmountable lead. But Daniels and the Commanders strike back quickly, but a botched onside kick seals Philly's trip to the Super Bowl.
Eagles win, 26-21.
Buffalo @ Kansas City (-1½)
Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce connected for a touchdown pass in the fourth quarter, and the Chiefs defense sacked C.J. Stroud 8 times, as K.C. advanced to its seventh-straight AFC championship game with a 23-14 win over Houston.
"Hey," Andy Reid said, "it's not a matter of style points. If it was, I'd have a big, fat zero, because I put about as much imagination into my game-day fit as I do our rushing game — none. Of course, we have to run the ball to keep opposing defenses 'honest,' as they say. We can keep a defense honest. Keeping officials honest? That's another story.
"I know the Texans were upset about some questionable roughing the passer penalties that favored us. My advice to the Texans on that subject is as follows: less roughing the passer, and more fluffing the officials. We call our extreme home-field advantage 'DWI,' because there's lots of 'blowing,' and officials 'under the influence.' If you're talking about 'greasing palms' in Kansas City, it doesn't just mean I just ate a huge, greasy cheeseburger."
The Bills raced to a 21-10 halftime lead and held on in the second half to beat the visiting Ravens 27-25, sending Buffalo to Kansas City for the AFC championship game. Josh Allen had 2 scores on the ground, and the Bills were +3 in turnover margin.
"Kudos to our defense," Allen said. "They got the best of a Baltimore offense that led the NFL in both rushing yards per attempt and passing yards per attempt. That is truly the definition of a 'Run and Gun' offense. Luckily for us, the 'Gun' in 'Run and Gun' for the Ravens signified them shooting themselves in the foot.
"In Kansas City, I'm sure it will be different. The Chiefs just don't make mistakes. They usually leave that up to the officials.
"Personally, I have to be ready for anything the Chiefs throw at me. I imagine I'll see some blitzes, some zone coverage, and some creative Steve Spagnuolo defensive schemes. Mostly though, I expect Chiefs defenders to just shout 'You might as well lose today, because you eventually will in the Super Bowl' at me. And that might be their most effective strategy."
Is this the Bills year? Allen and his cohorts seem to be on a mission this year. But Mahomes and the Chiefs like it in the "mission-ary" position: in the playoffs, at home, with history on the line. And that means the Chiefs come out on top.
Kansas City wins, 26-24.
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