Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Houston @ Kansas City (-8)
After a slow start, the Texans dominated the rest of the way and sent the Chargers packing in a 31-12 Houston win. The Texans picked off Justin Herbert 4 times, and C.J. Stroud led an efficient Houston offense.
"Kudos to our defense," DeMeco Ryans said. "They made Herbert look terrible, and terrible is still a thousand times better than the quarterbacks we're used to facing in the AFC South. Shout out to Will Levis. 'Mayo' still be the Titans quarterback next season, because you suck, and we like playing against you.
"I'm sure Herbert will learn from this defeat. Plus, he's got a whole offseason to 'Get his money right.' And to get his game right. And, to learn how to talk smack. Herbert's just too nice. I mean, 'trash talk' to Justin Herbert is a conversation about which day garbage is collected at his home.
"As for the Chiefs, we'll have to play our best to beat them. Conversely, the Chiefs will have to play their best to beat us. And, as we've seen all year, when the Chiefs play their best, they beat inferior teams by 1-3 points."
The top-seeded Chiefs begin their quest to become the first team to win three consecutive Super Bowls.
"So I guess you're saying there will be some familiar faces," Andy Reid said. "I agree, and I'm about sick of seeing Jake From State Farm, too.
"We beat the Texans back on December 21st, and I know they're hungry for revenge. And they have some players that present matchup problems for us. One of those is wide receiver Nico Collins. He might be the most physical WR in the NFL. Nico is 6'4" and 222 pounds, or roughly the size of me when I was 13.
"But we've got a not-so-secret weapon in defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuola. Steve has made a lot of offenses look downright terrible, including the Rams' when Spags was their head coach back in 2009-2011."
How do you slow the aggressive Texans defense? For an offensive mastermind like Andy Reid, the answer to that question is easy: runs on first and second down for an average of about 3.1 yards apiece, then let Patrick Mahomes work his magic on third down. And by "magic," I mean a short pass or a Mahomes scramble on third down for a first down. And repeat.
Kansas City makes it an ugly game, and Mahomes finds DeAndre Hopkins for a short TD pass late to secure the win.
Chiefs win, 22-17.
Washington @ Detroit (-8)
The Lions enjoyed a much needed week off as the NFC's No. 1 seed, and look to beat the Commanders and reach their second consecutive NFC Championship game.
"Look," Dan Campbell said, "we feel like we're the best team in the NFL, but we don't think a trip to New Orleans is our birthright. Personally, I don't believe in 'destiny,' as a concept, or as an exotic dancer, for that matter. I believe in results, and I believe we know exactly where we're going, and I believe our talent makes us a 'team of destination.'
"We have a lot of older fans who were alive when the Lions franchise last won an NFL title, in 1957. Now, obviously, those people are getting up there in age, and some can't even walk. But they're still very active in their fan club, known as the 'Motor-ized City Madmen/Madwomen.'"
Jayden Daniels passed for 2 touchdowns, and engineered the final drive that culminated in Zane Gonzalez's 37-yard game-winning field goal as time expired, as the Commanders beat the Bucs 23-20 in Tampa.
"Jayden has single-handedly brought this franchise back from the depths," Dan Quinn said, "squalor, debauchery, decadence, and perversion that Dan Snyder left it in. Hopefully, there is a special hell for Snyder. I know there was a special heaven for him, where he felt appreciated. It was called the 'NFL Owners' Meeting,' where he mingled with his own kind."
The Lions play ball control, with 33 rushes and a short passing game that frustrates the Washington defense. The Lions' defense limits Daniels' big-play potential, and Detroit pulls away to win, 32-21.
L.A. Rams @ Philadelphia (-6)
The Rams cruised past the mistake-prone Vikings 27-9 to advance to the divisional round. The L.A. defense sacked Sam Darnold 9 times and forced 2 Darnold turnovers, one of those a fumble that was returned for a touchdown by Jared Verse.
"We gave Darnold a one-way ticket back to Minnesota," Sean McVay said. "And once he arrives, I think he'll be responsible for his own transportation out of town.
"The Eagles spanked us 37-20 back on November 24th at SoFi Stadium. In that game, Saquon Barkley ran for 255 yards and 2 touchdowns. Apparently, our defense was the 'Greatest No-Show on Turf' that night. Obviously, if we're to have any chance of winning, we have to do much better. Now, I'm not asking the defense to shut him down completely, I'm just asking them to occasionally tackle him."
The Eagles' physical brand of football was too much for the visiting Packers, and Philly advanced to the divisional round with a 22-10 win on Sunday. Jalen Hurts passed for 2 scores, and the Eagles defense forced 4 turnovers.
"It wasn't pretty," Nick Sirianni said. "In that statement, I'm referring to the wife of the obnoxious Eagles' fan I was jawing with at the game.
"You saw correctly; A.J. Brown was reading a book on the sideline in the second half. At least the book was 'open.' Now, I don't condone reading books on our sideline, mostly because those books are perfectly downloadable to be read on one of the many Microsoft Surface tablets on our bench.
"Nothing beats a playoff game in Philadelphia. And I know our fans are going to be ready. Eagles fans are the heart of this city, and Eagles fans have a lot of heart. But if you think their hearts are big, you should see their livers. They're huge, because they're so enlarged from all the drinking they do."
The Eagles stick with what worked the first time versus the Rams, with heavy doses of Barkley right up the middle. Defensively, Philly sticks to the plan that's worked all year: nothing fancy, just physical dominance. Brown scores on a long TD pass from Hurts to open the second half, and the Eagles book their ticket to the NFC championship game.
Eagles win, 26-14.
Baltimore @ Buffalo (+1½)
The Bills handled the visiting Broncos 31-7 to set up a divisional showdown with the Ravens in the divisional round. Josh Allen tossed 2 touchdown passes, and Buffalo rushed for 210 yards as a team.
"That was my first time facing a Sean Payton-coached team," Allen said, "and also my first time playing a game with a bounty on my head.
"I was really impressed by Bo Nix's poise. I think he's really going to be a star in this league. And I think you can already say he's the best QB in the league, that is, the best QB in the league with four college bachelor degrees.
"Our goal is to finally bring this city the Super Bowl championship it deserves. Things just won't be complete for this franchise until we win the big one. What does the Bills' trophy case have in common with the stall on the far right in the men's bathroom at Jim's Truck Plaza off I-90? Both feature a huge 'glory hole.'"
Lamar Jackson's 2 touchdown passes and Derrick Henry's 2 rushing TDs paved the way for Baltimore's dominant 28-14 win over the visiting Steelers at M&T Bank Stadium.
"When you pit a high-octane offense," John Harbaugh said, "against a no-octane offense, that was the result you would expect. Their most explosive player is George Pickens. Oddly enough though, for an explosive player, George is more likely to implode. George is like a cheap Chinese firecracker; sure, he's liable to explode, but there's an equal chance he'll be a dud.
"Lamar and Josh Allen have so much in common. They're both incredible physical specimens, they're both great leaders, and they're both glad they're not playing the Chiefs this week.
"But the Bills offense is on a different planet than the Steelers.' Obviously, the Bills offense is on planet Earth; and even more obviously, the Pittsburgh offense is from Uranus, because it's ass."
Jackson and Allen are both on a mission. And that mission is to not be the modern-day Dan Marino. In a battle of the arms and legs of the quarterbacks, it's the feet of the kickers that ultimately decide the game. Justin Tucker's 47-yard field goal late in the fourth quarter gives the Ravens the lead, and Allen's 40-yard scramble afterwards sets up Tyler Bass' game-winning 30-yard field goal.
Bills win, 26-24.
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