Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
L.A. Chargers @ Houston (+2½)
The Texans beat the Titans 23-14 at Nissan Stadium to snap a two-game losing streak. Houston, as the No. 4 seed, will host the 11-6 Chargers.
"I don't want to say we're proud to represent the AFC South," DeMeco Ryans said, "because that division sucks, but we're happy to be the AFC's No. 4 seed. And we're also happy to be overseeded by at least three spots.
"Our defense will have to be on their toes to defend Justin Herbert. Herbert doesn't talk a big game, but he has a big game. I don't know if I've ever compared someone to a fart and meant it as a compliment, but Herbert is 'silent, but deadly.'"
The Chargers secured the AFC's No. 5 seed with a 34-20 win over the Raiders in Las Vegas. Justin Herbert passed for 346 yards and 2 touchdowns as L.A. finished second in the AFC West with an 11-6 record.
"It will certainly be a challenge for us," Jim Harbaugh said. "I'm really impressed with what's happened in Houston, especially in 2017 and 2018, when the Astros were stealing signs. The best part is, they got away with it without having their 2017 World Series championship taken away. I know how that feels."
Herbert throws 2 touchdown passes, but really does damage on the ground, rushing for 55 yards.
Chargers win, 23-19.
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore (-10)
The Ravens pulled away in the second half to easily dispatch the visiting Browns 35-10 on Saturday night in Baltimore. Lamar Jackson had 2 touchdown passes, and Derrick Henry took over in the second half, with 130 yards rushing and 2 TDs after halftime.
"We know the Steelers so well," John Harbaugh said. "They're an opponent we've faced quite often. And that's just one of the reasons we called the Steelers 'mo foes.'
"It's too bad Tony Siragusa is not alive to see the turnaround this defense has gone through. It's also too bad that Tony's not around to team up with Raven-Symoné for a reboot of the 2000's era Disney Channel sitcom 'That's So Raven,' aptly named this time as 'Fatso Raven.'"
The struggling Steelers lost 19-17 to the visiting Bengals on Saturday night in Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh struggled on offense, wasting a strong effort by the Steelers defense against one of the NFL's most high-powered offenses.
"Our defense has been the glue that's been holding this team together," Mike Tomlin said. "And speaking of 'glue,' George Pickens could use some, mostly to glue his lips together, but also to help the ball stick to any part of his body, preferably his hands. George is a talented, athletic receiver. But if we're talking two adjectives and a noun, 'whiny little bitch' works just as well.
"But enough about George. Let's talk about this spread. Ten points? Absurd. But totally understandable considering how we're playing. But we've got an ace in the hole that should keep us in the game. That ace in the hole is Lamar Jackson's playoff record."
Ravens win, 25-21.
Denver @ Buffalo (-8½)
With the AFC's No. 2 seed already locked up, the Bills were able to rest Josh Allen and most of their starters and lost 23-16 to the Patriots in Foxboro. They'll host the Broncos, who are fresh off a 38-0 drubbing of the Chiefs.
"Let's give the Broncos some credit," Sean McDermott said. "Sure, they beat a K.C. team that rested nearly all of its starters, but to be fair, the Chiefs arguably have the best practice squad in the NFL.
"Everyone says the Broncos have a great defense. But do they? Heck, they gave up almost 500 yards passing and 4 TDs to none other than Jameis Winston a little over a month ago. Jameis said he's seen more resistance at a Publix grocery store."
Bo Nix passed for 4 touchdowns, as the Broncos cruised to a 38-0 over the visiting Chiefs to sew up the AFC's No. 7 seed and a trip to Buffalo in the Wild Card round.
"If we expect to have any chance of beating the Bills," Sean Payton said, "we'll have to contain Josh Allen. Many so-called brilliant coaches have tried to stop him, but most have failed.
"But I'm gonna take a page out of Jim Harbaugh's playbook, and employ a 'spy' on Allen, and also take a page out of my playbook, and offer a considerable sum of money to the first player to knock Allen out of the game. I know that's heavily frowned upon by the league, but to that I say 'Fine.' I'd be lying if I said I cared, and you know me — I lie a lot."
Bo Nix leads the Broncos on a touchdown drive on their first drive, but after that, it's all Bills.
Buffalo wins, 29-14.
Green Bay @ Philadelphia (-4½)
The Eagles rested most of their starters in a 20-13 home loss to the Giants. Philly had previously locked up the NFC's No. 2 seed and will host the Packers.
"We're proud of what we've accomplished," Nick Sirianni said. "Not necessarily beating the Giants, because most teams could beat the Giants with their backups. To clarify, most teams could take the Giants backups and beat the Giants starters with those backups.
"Jalen Hurts has been cleared to play, and he is intent on leading this team to a win and erase the memory of last year's 32-9 loss to the Bucs in the wild card round. Heck, I don't think I'll even need to do much to motivate him. Instead of a firm kick in the ass, I'm sure all he'll need is a gentle 'Tush Push.'"
The Packers lost 24-22 to the Bears at Lambeau Field. Green Bay lost Christian Watson for the season with a knee injury, and Jordan Love suffered a right elbow injury.
"Ouch," said Matt Lafleur. "That really makes our chances of advancing much more difficult. We're only the No. 7 seed, but we may have just earned a first-round 'bye.' Some people are saying that our chances of beating the Eagles are about as good as the chances of turning on a television and not seeing Jason Kelce. Virtually impossible.
"Don't forget, though, that we beat the No. 2 seed, Dallas, in last year's playoffs as a No. 7 seed. Of course, I'm not suggesting the Eagles are even remotely like the Cowboys. They're not. The Eagles have an owner who knows his role, shuts his mouth, has won a Super Bowl in the last 28 years, and doesn't need DNA to identify his children."
Saquon Barkley rushes 31 times for 123 yards and 2 TDs, and the Eagles grind out a 24-17 victory.
Washington @ Tampa Bay (-3)
The Buccaneers overcame a surprisingly tough Saints squad 27-19 to clinch the NFC South and a home playoff date with the 12-5 Commanders.
"In the NFC South," Baker Mayfield said, "there are the 'haves,' the 'have nots,' and the 'Aints.' People may disagree with me, but it was a good year for the NFC South, because there was only one team in the division whose fans feel the need to wear bags on their heads.
"A key matchup to watch in this game is Mike Evans versus Marshon Lattimore. Those two have a history, and I predict they'll battle from kickoff until one or both are kicked out."
Terry McLaurin's 5-yard touchdown catch from Marcus Mariota with three seconds left gave the Commanders a 23-19 win over the Cowboys at AT&T Stadium. The victory clinched the No. 6 seed for Washington, and they will travel to Tampa to face the Buccaneers.
"Jayden Daniels left the game early," Dan Quinn said, "with what we're calling 'leg soreness.' I just want to state that it's a very minor issue, and Jayden will definitely play on Sunday night. Now, if there's a leg issue I am concerned about, it's whichever leg whoever is kicking for us is using to kick."
Bucs win, 30-21.
Minnesota @ L.A. Rams (+2½)
The Vikings were thoroughly dominated in a 31-9 loss to the Lions on Sunday night, with Detroit's win securing the NFC North title and the NFC's No. 1 seed for the Lions. Sam Darnold struggled, completing just 18-of-41 passes for 166 yards and no touchdowns.
"I believe Sam was seeing ghosts," Kevin O'Connell said, "and then trying to throw passes to them."
The Rams lost 30-25 to the visiting Seahawks and will be the NFC's No. 4 seed, with a challenging home matchup with the 14-3 Vikings awaiting. L.A. beat the Vikings 30-24 at SoFi Stadium on October 24th.
"They say 'Revenge is a dish best served cold,'" Sean McVay said. "But if the Vikes want it, they'll have to serve it at room temperature in our dining room in front of a partisan, albeit just mildly interested, home crowd.
"The difference in Matthew Stafford's playoff experience and Sam Darnold's playoff experience is monumental. Nothing gets me harder than a playoff-hardened QB who's complemented by a huge 'D' that's really made life difficult for opposing defenses."
Rams win, 23-21.
Leave a Comment