NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 18

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Cleveland @ Baltimore (-18)

Lamar Jackson had 3 total touchdowns, as the Ravens stomped the Texans 31-2 in Houston on Christmas. With the win, and Pittsburgh's loss to the Chiefs, Baltimore has a 1-game lead over the Steelers in the AFC North, and can clinch the North with a win, or a Steelers loss to the Bengals.

"Lamar passed Michael Vick to become the all-time NFL leader in rush yards by a quarterback," John Harbaugh said. "That's really saying something when you can say you have more of a 'record' than Michael Vick."

The Browns lost 20-3 to the visiting Dolphins and fell to 3-13.

"We currently have the third pick in the 2025 NFL draft," Kevin Stefanski said. "So we have a decision to make. Analytics say there's a 100% probability that we make a bad decision.

"We've also restructured the contract of Deshaun Watson. It's the third time we've done that in the last three years. If you think three is a lot, it is as far as contract restructuring goes. In terms of the number of women who have accused someone of sexual misconduct, I can tell you that Deshaun considers three a very tiny number."

Ravens win, 34-8.

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh (+1½)

The Chiefs manhandled the Steelers 29-10 on Christmas Day in Pittsburgh. It was the Steelers' third straight loss and their hopes of winning the AFC North drifted further away.

"Ten points against the Chiefs just won't cut it," Mike Tomlin said. "I guess our offense put the 'X' in 'Xmas.'

"I said recently that we want the 'stench of losing off of us.' We've lost three in a row, so that stench is sticking to us like the smell of weed on Le'Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount after they spent a day hot-boxing inside a car."

Joe Burrow's 3-yard touchdown pass to Tee Higgins with 1:07 left in overtime gave the Bengals a 30-24 win over the visiting Broncos. The win kept Cincy's slim playoff hopes intact, and they'll need a win over the Steelers and some help.

"We're battling the Broncos and Dolphins for the AFC's final playoff spot," Burrow said. "If you're a fan of the NFL, then you're cheering for us to make it in. If you're a fan of the other six teams in the AFC playoffs, then you don't want us in."

Bengal win, 27-24.

Carolina @ Atlanta (-7½)

The Buccaneers blasted the Panthers 48-14 at Raymond James Stadium. Baker Mayfield had his way with the Carolina defense, passing for 359 yards and 5 touchdowns.

"It's embarrassing to give up 5 TD passes to Baker," Dave Canales said. "What's even more embarrassing is we didn't intercept him once. It's embarrassing because Baker's touchdown to interception ratio is barely positive.

"We've had our ups and downs this year. The biggest up? I haven't heard David Tepper's name mentioned once this year. I think all Panthers fans can agree that they'd rather not hear his name, unless it's in the context of an obituary."

The Falcons lost 30-24 in overtime to the Commanders at Northwest Field on Sunday night. Riley Patterson's 56-yard field goal attempt for the Falcons at the end of regulation was short, and the Commanders won the toss and marched down the field in overtime for a touchdown.

"A lot of people questioned my clock management at the end of regulation," Raheem Morris said. "Ironically, I refuse to 'waste any time' listening to the opinions of people who don't matter."

Falcons win, 24-23.

Washington @ Dallas (+5)

Jayden Daniels' 2-yard touchdown pass to Zach Ertz with 2:42 left in overtime gave the Commanders a 30-24 win over the Falcons on Sunday night. The victory clinched a playoff berth for Washington, and the Commanders could lock up the NFC's sixth seed with a win over Washington.

"Dan Snyder wouldn't even recognize this team," Dan Quinn said, "because we're in the playoffs, and the people in this organization no longer work in an atmosphere of intimidation. The only intimidation you'll see here is us trying to bully D.C. into building us a new stadium."

The Cowboys suffered a big 41-7 loss to the Eagles in Philadelphia. In two games against the Eagles this season, Dallas was outscored 75-13.

"I guess you'd call that a good old fashioned butt-whooping," Mike McCarthy said. "One for each buttock.

"I'll eventually be waiting for the word from Jerry Jones to come to his office. Jerry has an 'Eject' button on his desk, and it's used quite often, and mostly for head coaches, and people claiming to be Jerry's biological child."

Washington wins, 27-16.

Kansas City @ Denver (-10½)

Patrick Mahomes threw 3 touchdown passes, as the Chiefs whipped the Steelers 29-10 on Christmas Day in Pittsburgh. Kansas City clinched the AFC's top seed with the win.

"A lot of people are saying our 15-1 record is flukey," Andy Reid said. "I realize a lot of our wins haven't been impressive, but I don't have to look at everything through rose-colored glasses. I'm looking at our 15-1 record through a set of 'bye-focals.'"

The Broncos lost 30-24 in overtime to the Bengals in Cincinnati on Saturday night. A win would have clinched a playoff spot for Denver. That situation still applies; with a win over the Chiefs, the Broncos would be in.

"We just have to take care of business," Sean Payton said. "And I understand the Chiefs need to take care of business as well. And I'm hoping they make a business decision."

Broncos win, 28-20.

Houston @ Tennessee (-1)

The Texans scored no offensive points in a demoralizing 31-2 loss on Christmas to the visiting Ravens. Houston is 9-7, but has clinched the AFC South.

"It seems the Ravens put a lump of coal in our collective stocking," DeMeco Ryans said, "and beat us over the head with it. How does the expression go? If you squeeze a lump of coal hard enough, you can make it a diamond? What happens if you suck on a lump of coal hard enough? Does it become a diamond? If so, we should be good, because we have unlimited sucking ability."

The Titans fell to 3-13 after a 20-13 loss to the Jaguars in Jacksonville. Mason Rudolph had a TD pass for Tennessee, but the Titans couldn't contain wide receiver Brian Thomas, Jr.

"Mason is playing fairly well," Brian Callahan said. "Or, well enough to keep Will Levis on the bench. And so is the seatbelt we installed on our bench. When we tell Will to 'strap in,' we're not talking about his helmet."

Titans win, 30-17.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-5½)

With their playoff hopes on the line, the Colts wilted, losing 45-33 to the Giants at MetLife Stadium. Indy surrendered 4 touchdown passes to Drew Lock, and the Colts were officially eliminated from playoff contention.

"Who knew?" Shane Steichen said. "All this time, people thought it would be an offensive coordinator that would make Drew Lock look like Drew Brees. Wrong. It was the Indy defense."

Mac Jones tossed 2 TD passes, one to Brian Thomas, Jr., as the Jags beat the visiting Titans 20-13 in a battle of AFC South basement-dwellers.

"Brian is a rising star in this league," Doug Pederson said. "Mac peaked as a rising senior at Alabama."

Jags win, 24-22.

L.A. Chargers @ Las Vegas (+5½)

Justin Herbert passed for 3 touchdowns, with two going to rookie Ladd McConkey, as the visiting Chargers beat the Patriots 40-7 at Gillette Stadium. With the victory, Los Angeles clinched a wild card playoff spot.

"We came out with a sense of urgency," Jim Harbaugh said. "Me? I don't come out with a sense of urgency; I go out with a sense of urgency, like when I know the NCAA is breathing down my neck and punishment is inevitable."

Aidan O'Connell passed for 2 touchdowns to lead the visiting Raiders to a 25-10 win over the Saints. Las Vegas improved to 4-12.

"Aidan is on the verge of stardom," Antonio Pierce said. "And he's on the verge of being the spokesman for a gambling site. The catchphrase will be 'Aidan and a Bettin.'"

Chargers win, 27-17.

Seattle @ L.A. Rams (+6½)

The Seahawks defense stifled Caleb Williams and the best offense in a 6-3 win over the Bears on Thursday night. Seattle sacked Williams 7 times and intercepted him once, as the Seahawks kept their playoff hopes alive.

"I think Williams has 'superstardom' written all over him," Mike Macdonald said. "In other words, he probably has that word tattooed all over his body."

The Rams defeated the visiting Cardinals 13-9 at SoFi Stadium. The Los Angeles defense intercepted Kyler Murray twice, including the game-sealing pick by Ahkello Witherspoon with 42 seconds left in the game.

"Our defense really stepped up," Sean McVay said. "They have a knack for stepping up, usually when Matthew Stafford has a game in which his QBR resembles his sleep number."

Seahawks win, 23-14.

Buffalo @ New England (+2½)

The Chargers smashed the Patriots 40-7 at Gillette Stadium on Saturday, handing New England its most lopsided defeat of the season. The Patriots are 3-13, last in the AFC East.

"And speaking of 'lopsided,'" Jerod Mayo said, "the Patriots front office is leaning very heavily towards letting me go when the season ends."

The Bills embarrassed the visiting Jets 40-14 at Highmark Stadium. Buffalo led 40-0 early in the fourth quarter, and the Jets scored 2 garbage-time TDs to account for the final score.

"Our goal was not to embarrass the Jets," Sean McDermott said. "That being said, I don't think you've done your job as a Jets opponent unless someone in that organization gets fired the next day, or thrown under the bus by Aaron Rodgers on 'The Pat McAfee Show.' Or both.

"We're locked in as the AFC's No. 2 seed. So, we'll probably rest most of our starters, and put all of our energy towards praying the AFC's No. 7 seed is not the Bengals."

Bills win, 24-17.

Miami @ NY Jets (+2½)

The Jets already troubled season hit a new low in a 40-14 loss to the Bills in Buffalo. Aaron Rodgers was sacked 4 times and threw 2 picks before sitting out most of the fourth quarter.

"I think I just played myself out of a Jets uniform," Rodgers said. "So I guess I now know what it feels like to be Zach Wilson.

"If you got through all three episodes of my Netflix passion project 'Enigma,' then you've apparently been immunized against the effects of a shitty documentary. And speaking of 'shitty,' 'Enigma' is just a few letters away from 'enema.' And an enema is a better experience than watching 'Enigma.'"

With their playoff chances on the line, and without a number of starters on offense, the Dolphins whipped the Browns 20-3 in Cleveland. The Miami defense forced 2 turnovers and kept the Cleveland offense out of the end zone.

"Hey," Mike McDaniel said, "if you had 'Tyler Huntley vs Dorian Thompson-Robinson in a game with playoff implications' on your Bingo card, then give yourself credit for having the most specific square in the long history of Bingo. And don't forget to mark that square."

Miami wins, 24-21.

NY Giants @ Philadelphia (-2½)

Drew Lock threw 4 touchdown passes, 2 to rookie Malik Nabers, as the Giants won for the first time, beating the Colts 45-33. The win, however, came at a cost — the Giants dropped out of the top spot for the first pick in the 2025 NFL draft.

"I really don't know what to say about that," Brian Daboll said. "Except 'Oops.'

"Two things are inevitable in this franchise's future. One, we'll draft a quarterback with our first-round pick. And two, we'll select a quarterback that really doesn't want to play for the Giants. I say 'we,' but I guess I should say 'they,' because I likely won't be part of that 'we' next season. Here's a 'we' I will be a part of: if someone asks me in French if I expect to be fired, I would reply 'Oui.'"

With Jalen Hurts out with a concussion, Saquon Barkley carried the load, rushing for 167 yards as the Eagles cruised to a 41-7 win over the visiting Cowboys. Barkley also eclipsed 2,000 rushing yards on the season, and now sits at 2,005.

"Saquon has a chance to break Eric Dickerson's single-season rushing record of 2,105 yards," Nick Sirianni said. "And to do it against the Giants would be the ultimate insult to the team that chose not to re-sign him. But we're choosing to sit Saquon, because, as the Giants may have said about Saquon last off-season, 'It's not worth it.'

"Hopefully, Jalen will be ready for the playoffs. Kenny Pickett is no Jalen Hurts. For one thing, he's not nearly as strong as Jalen. In fact, Kenny doesn't even do squats. Actually, he doesn't do squat."

Giants win, 23-20.

San Francisco @ Arizona (-4)

The Cardinals lost a tight 13-9 decision to the Rams at SoFi Stadium on Saturday night. With the Cards at the Rams' 5-yard line late in the fourth, Kyler Murray's pass intended for Trey McBride was intercepted after it bounced off McBride's helmet.

"If there's a passing equivalent of a 'doink,'" Jonathan Gannon said, "Kyler hit the nail on the head."

Cardinals win, 27-21.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay (-13½)

Baker Mayfield passed for 5 touchdowns to lead the Bucs to a 48-14 win over the Panthers. With a win, Tampa would win the NFC South.

"The Falcons have their backs to the wall," Mayfield said. "We have our balls to the wall. Which kind of means we're facing the wall, because if you have your backs and your balls to the wall, it seems like it would be pretty uncomfortable, especially to your scrotum."

The Saints lost 25-10 to the visiting Raiders, who controlled the game from start to finish. New Orleans fell to 5-11 and are third in the NFC South.

"Spencer Rattler was our leading passer in the game," Darren Rizzi said. "And he was also our leading rusher. He was also the leading receiver ... of jeers from the unsatisfied crowd at Caesars Superdome."

Bucs win, 27-14.

Chicago @ Green Bay (-9)

The Bears' misery continued in a 6-3 loss to the Seahawks at Lumen Field on Thursday night. It was Chicago's 10th consecutive loss, and they are 4-12, last in the NFC North.

"You'd call that a 'defensive struggle,'" Thomas Brown said. "But only because the defenses struggled to keep a straight face while taking on these two pathetic offenses.

"Pete Carroll has expressed interest in the Bears head coaching job. I believe the 'interest' he expressed was making sure people knew he didn't want it."

The Packers' late comeback fell short in a 27-25 loss to the Vikings at US Bank Stadium. Green Bay is 11-5 and has already clinched a wild card spot.

"It's important that we don't take the Bears too lightly," Matt Lafleur said. "I know the Bears aren't used to playing in games with playoff implications, mostly because they're always playing in games with next year's draft implications. To their credit, they're pretty much always improving their draft position."

Packers win, 26-19.

Minnesota @ Detroit (-3)

The Vikings beat the visiting Packers 27-25 and set up a Week 18 showdown with the Lions to determine the NFC's top seed. Sam Darnold passed for 377 yards and 3 touchdowns to power the Vikes.

"I know this is a controversial proclamation," Kevin O'Connell said, "but I think Sam is the front-runner for the NFL's Most Valuable Player award ... west of the Mississippi River.

"The NFC North is arguably the most competitive division in the NFL. And it's only arguable because the Bears are in the division."

The Lions beat the 49ers 40-34 on Monday night. Jared Goff passed for 303 yards and 3 touchdowns to lead Detroit.

"That game was a good indication of what it's going to be like for us in the playoffs," Dan Campbell said. "In other words, we're gonna need to score at least 40 to win."

Lions win, 29-27.

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