Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Kansas City @ Pittsburgh (+3)
The Chiefs beat the Texans 27-19 in Kansas City on Saturday. Patrick Mahomes battled through an ankle sprain suffered a week earlier, and passed for 1 score and added a rushing TD.
"Patrick was dealing with a lot of pain," Andy Reid said. "I mean, he was basically playing on one leg. And trainers urged him to sit out this game. I mean, they tried to make him go to rehab, but Patrick said, 'No, no, no.'"
Chiefs win, 24-18.
Baltimore @ Houston (+5½)
The Texans lost 27-19 to the Chiefs in Kansas City on Saturday. C.J. Stroud threw 2 TD passes, but threw 2 interceptions and was sacked twice.
"I guess C.J. being sacked only twice is good," DeMeco Ryans said. "Why? Because C.J. has been sacked 47 times this season, which is the second most in the league. Normally, a quarterback buys his offensive linemen Christmas gifts. C.J. chose to go another route; he presented them his medical and laundry bills."
Lamar Jackson threw 2 touchdown passes, and Derrick Henry rushed for 162 yards, as the Ravens beat the Steelers 34-17 and forged a tie atop the AFC North.
"We really bullied the Pittsburgh defense," John Harbaugh said. "And we know what it's like to bully a defense; we see ours bullied pretty much on a weekly basis."
Ravens win, 26-23.
Seattle @ Chicago (+3½)
The Lions overwhelmed the Bears 34-17 in Chicago, handing Chicago its ninth consecutive loss. Caleb Williams passed for 334 yards and 2 touchdowns, but it wasn't enough for the Bears, who were down 13-0 late in the first quarter.
"Caleb played great," Thomas Brown said, "albeit against a defense that was missing practically all its starters. Our defense played like it was missing nothing but starters.
"Caleb was much more decisive in the pocket than he was the previous week. Caleb running around in the pocket is akin to our upcoming head coach search — t's going to end badly."
Seahawks win, 27-21.
Denver @ Cincinnati (-3)
The Broncos started fast but couldn't close late in a 34-27 loss to the Chargers on Thursday night at SoFi Stadium. Denver is 9-6 and currently holds the AFC's seventh seed.
"We came out fast," Sean Payton said, "but the Chargers just shut us down completely in the second half. It's almost like the Chargers knew what plays we were calling. Now, I'm not saying someone did something unethical, illegal, or underhanded, because that would be incredibly hypocritical of me."
The Bengals beat the visiting Browns 24-6 to keep their slim playoff hopes alive. Joe Burrow passed for 3 touchdowns, a feat he's accomplished in seven consecutive games.
"We're the team no one wants to face in the playoffs," Burrow said. "Let me correct that statement: we're the offense no one wants to face in the playoffs. Everybody wants to face our defense. Lou Anarumo used to be one of the most sought after defensive coordinators in the league. Now, he's just thought after, as in, he's just an afterthought."
Bengals win, 31-30.
Arizona @ L.A. Rams (-5½)
The Rams beat the Jets 19-9 at MetLife Stadium and moved closer to clinching the NFC West crown, in part due to Arizona's loss to the Panthers. With a win over Arizona, the Rams would clinch the division.
"I liked the way we took care of business," Sean McVay said. "It was a long trip from Los Angeles to MetLife Stadium. If you're in L.A., then you would consider New Jersey 'out there.' And that quarterback/logic denier that plays there? He's way 'out there.'
"As far as the NFC West goes, we control our own destiny. And I guess that means we control the destinies of the other three teams in the West. And that suits me just fine, because I'd like to be considered a god."
The Panthers upset the visiting Cardinals 36-30 in overtime, dealing a severe blow to Arizona's hopes to make the playoffs. The Cards had one possession in overtime, but were unable to move the ball.
"Actually," Jonathan Gannon said, "we did move the ball ... we moved it backwards. We lost 6 yards on that drive."
Rams win, 27-14.
L.A. Chargers @ New England (+4½)
Justin Herbert threw 2 touchdown passes, both in the fourth quarter, as the Chargers dominated the second half to turn back the visiting Broncos on Thursday night.
"Justin completed passes to 10 different receivers," Jim Harbaugh said, "only four of which I know by name."
The Patriots gave the home-standing Bills all they could handle before eventually falling 24-21. Drake Maye passed for 2 touchdowns and continually made plays to keep New England in the game.
"Drake has a bright future ahead of him," Jerod Mayo said. "And he's adored here in Foxboro and surrounding areas. I think he's aware that you don't have to go all the way to Jupiter, Florida to have your ego, or something else, stroked."
Chargers win, 26-16.
Indianapolis @ NY Giants (+8)
Drew Lock had 3 turnovers, including 2 interceptions returned for touchdowns, in the Giants' 34-7 loss to the Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. The Giants are 2-13, owners of the worst record in the NFL.
"And speaking of 'owners,'" Brian Daboll said, "the Giants owner is not Woody Johnson. The Giants are owned by John Mara, and he wouldn't think of letting his dumb teenage sons have any influence over personnel decisions, although our won-loss record would reflect that he does.
"I expect to be relieved of my duties when our season ends next season. And I expect to relieve myself of a 'duty' into the desk drawer of some unsuspecting Giants front office employee."
Colts win, 30-14.
NY Jets @ Buffalo (-9½)
The Jets had 2 second half fumbles that helped the visiting Rams secure a 19-9 win at MetLife Stadium. The Jets fell to 4-11 and 2-5 at home.
"A few weeks ago," Aaron Rodgers said, "I said through my propaganda arm, the 'Pat McAfee Show,' that anyone talking to me should indicate their vaccination status. And a lot of people have said that given my omnipotent knowledge and worldly wisdom, shouldn't I be able to detect someone's vac status?"
The Bills beat the Patriots 24-21 in a surprisingly competitive contest at Highmark Stadium. Buffalo trailed 14-0 early in the second quarter, but stormed back behind the play of James Cook and Josh Allen.
"I know the Jets are 4-11," Allen said, "but their record doesn't reflect how well they are playing. A 5-10 record would be more reflective of how they're playing."
Bills win, 23-16.
Green Bay @ Minnesota (-1)
The Vikings beat the Seahawks 27-24 at Lumen Stadium, powered by Sam Darnold and Justin Jefferson, who hooked up for 2 TD strikes, including a 39-yard touchdown that put the Vikes up for good.
"We could be the fifth seed in the NFC," Darnold said, "despite having a better record than all but one playoff team. That doesn't seem fair, to us, because we have to go on the road, and to the team we play, because a division winner might have to play a 15-2 team.
"Adrian Peterson is back in the news for failure to pay child support. And really, that's the only time A.P. is in the news these days. But I guess it's not so bad when A.P. is not giving anything to his children."
The Packers walloped the visiting Saints 34-0 on Monday night at Lambeau Field.
"While it was no 'Ice Bowl,'" Matt Lefleur said, "it was still colder than a witch's titty in Green Bay. If you're like me, then you're probably not hip to technical meteorological terms, nor have you even touched a witch's titty, but you just come to the understanding that a witch's titty is pretty cold."
Vikings win, 25-22.
Las Vegas @ New Orleans (-1½)
The Raiders ended a 10-game skid with a 19-14 win over the visiting Jaguars, led by quarterback Aidan McConnell's right arm and wispy mustache.
"It was the weekend when high school football championships in the state of Nevada were decided," Mark Davis said. "I don't mean to be critical, but Aidan's skills are high school level, and his mustache is, as well."
The Packers smoked the Saints 34-0 at chilly Lambeau Field on Monday night.
"Spencer Rattler actually practiced in a cafeteria freezer to prepare for the Green Bay temperatures," Darren Rizzi said. "And I think I should have left him there."
Raiders win, 23-17.
Carolina @ Tampa Bay (-7½)
The Cowboys upset the Buccaneers 26-24 on Sunday night at AT&T Stadium. The loss knocked Tampa out of sole possession of first place in the NFC South.
"We had a really good chance to keep our lead in the NFC South," Baker Mayfield said. "But if you saw the end of that game, you know that we, or someone, 'dropped the ball.'"
Bucs win, 28-17.
Tennessee @ Jacksonville (-1)
The Titans fell to 3-12 after a 38-30 loss to the Colts in Indianapolis. The Tennessee defense gave up 218 yards and 3 scores on the ground to Jonathan Taylor, and Indy rushed for 335 yards as a team.
"If you're looking for a game with playoff implications," Brian Callahan said, "you should look elsewhere. If you're looking for a franchise quarterback, you should also look elsewhere, because he's not on the field, or on the roster, and he's likely not going to be the guy we choose in the upcoming draft."
The Jaguars lost 19-14 to the Raiders in Las Vegas and fell to 3-12 and share the worst record in the AFC with the Titans, Browns, Patriots, and Raiders.
"They're predicting this game to be a real barnburner," Doug Pederson said. "Meaning, if your television is in a barn, you will burn the barn down so you don't have to watch the game.
"In addition to witnessing bad football, some Jags fans can do so while watching from one of the pools in the north end zone of EverBank Stadium. And for absolutely nothing extra, you can do it in hot dog water."
Titans win, 20-17.
Dallas @ Philadelphia (-9)
The Eagles lost Jalen Hurts early to a concussion, and the Eagles defense was surprisingly exposed by Jayden Daniels, as the Commanders upset the Eagles 36-33 at Northwest Stadium. The loss snapped Philly's 10-game winning streak.
"Obviously," Nick Sirianni said, "our offense doesn't function as well without Jalen. Kenny is truly an 'emergency' quarterback, because if he's in the game, it's truly an emergency."
Brandon Aubrey's 4 long field goals powered the Cowboys to a 26-24 upset win over the visiting Buccaneers on Sunday night.
"Even though we've been eliminated from playoff contention," Cooper Rush said, "it was still important to get a win. If for no other reason than to get Jerry Jones to shut the hell up.
"Not many teams can claim that an illiterate former player is the Ambassador to The Bahamas. We can, because Herschel Walker is. Most Americans can't even identify The Bahamas on a map; I'm not sure Herschel can identify earth on a map."
Eagles win, 24-21.
Miami @ Cleveland (+6½)
The Dolphins kept their playoff aspirations alive with a 29-17 win over the 49ers at Hard Rock Stadium. De'Von Achane rushed for 120 yards, and sealed the game with a 50-yard touchdown scamper late in the fourth quarter to seal the win.
"De'Von is an incredible talent," Mike McDaniel said. "You could say Achane is nothing to sneeze at."
The Browns could generate little to no offense with Dorian Thompson-Robinson at quarterback in a 24-6 loss to the Bengals in Cincinnati.
"Maybe we should have stayed with Jameis Winston," Kevin Stefanski said. "Jameis isn't afraid to throw the ball anywhere. DTR can't throw the ball anywhere."
Miami wins, 23-14.
Atlanta @ Washington (-4)
The Falcons defense stifled the Giants, scoring on two pick-6s in a commanding 34-7 Atlanta win at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Bijan Robinson rushed for 2 touchdowns, and rookie quarterback Michael Penix, Jr. was required to do much of anything as Atlanta stayed a game behind the Bucs in the NFC South.
"Michael played pretty well," Raheem Morris said. "He just made one mistake, which was an interception. Luckily, it didn't cost us. But the lesson to learn is it could cost us. One mistake could be the difference in winning or losing, or the difference in 'Penix' and 'Penis.'"
Commanders win, 30-24.
Detroit @ San Francisco (+3½)
The Lions blasted the Bears 34-17 at Soldier Field, led by Jared Goff, who passed for 336 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"A lot of people said Jared couldn't perform well outdoors in cold weather," Dan Campbell said. "I guess they didn't take into account that he'd be playing the Bears."
The 49ers fell to 6-9 after a 29-17 loss to the Dolphins at Hard Rock Stadium. The outcome was decided on the ground, as Miami rushed for 166 yards, while San Fran could only muster 81 yards on the ground.
"We knew we had been officially eliminated from the playoffs before kickoff," Kyle Shanahan said. "And we showed why with our performance."
Lions win, 27-24.
Leave a Comment