Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Denver @ L.A. Chargers (-3)
Baker Mayfield and the Buccaneers carved up the Chargers defense in a 40-17 Tampa win at SoFi Stadium. Justin Herbert and the Chargers couldn't keep up and went scoreless in the second half.
"It's not often I get humiliated," Jim Harbaugh said, "by anyone other than the NCAA.
"This game is crucial to our playoff hopes. A win, and we're probably in. A loss, and our playoff chances become as slim as Brandon Staley's neck."
The Broncos beat the Colts 31-13 at Invesco Field at Mile High to solidify their playoff positioning. Bo Nix offset 3 interceptions with 3 touchdown passes, including a late score to Courtland Sutton to put the game away.
"That's not exactly the type of 'balance' on offense I preach about," Sean Payton said. "He's not Bo Jackson, but Bo knows I won't tolerate those turnovers, and if he doesn't correct them, Bo knows that I won't think twice before I put a bounty on my own player's head."
Chargers win, 24-21.
Cleveland @ Cincinnati (-7)
The Bengals walloped the Titans 37-27 in Nashville, led by strong efforts on both sides of the ball. Joe Burrow passed for 3 touchdowns, and the Cincy defense forced 6 turnovers.
"Our defense really stepped up," Burrow said. "If they hadn't, defensive coordinator Lou Anarumo might have had to step down. Of course, it's easy to scheme against Will Levis. It's easy because you don't have to.
"Believe it or not, we could still make the playoffs. The odds are very long, and we would likely need some divine intervention. And since Jameis Winston is a conduit to the Lord, and seems to have a direct line to Him, I plan on finding religion, at least for the final three weeks of the season."
The Chiefs dominated on defense, leading Kansas City to a commanding 21-7 win over the Browns in Cleveland. The Chiefs sacked Jameis Winston 5 times and forced 6 Cleveland turnovers.
"We're already looking forward to the 2025 season," Kevin Stefanski said. "And I already have a plan for the offseason mapped out. It involves this organization acting like 20-30 particular women and getting as far away from Deshaun Watson as possible. Now, our payroll is going to need some massaging, but we have people perfectly willing to do that."
Bengals win, 28-17.
Houston @ Kansas City (+2½)
The Chiefs beat the Browns 21-7 in Cleveland to improve to 13-1. It was the Chiefs first double-digit win since a 28-18 win over the 49ers on October 20th.
"That's pretty embarrassing," Patrick Mahomes said. "Not that it's our first double-digit win in a while, but only beating the 49ers by 10.
"I hurt my ankle in the late stages of that game. I can assure you, I'll be fine to play, largely because my name is Patrick Mahomes, but mostly because my backup's name is Carson Wentz."
The Texans beat the Dolphins 20-12 at NRG Stadium. C.J. Stroud connected with Nico Collins for 2 touchdowns, and the Houston defense forced four Tua Tagovailoa turnovers.
"Before the game," DeMeco Ryans said, "I told my defense that they would need to cause some turnovers. I specifically said to them 'Why just stop at Tua? Go for four-a. And they listened."
Chiefs win, 21-18.
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore (-6½)
The Steelers lost for only the fourth time, dropping a 27-13 decision to the Eagles in Philadelphia. Pittsburgh's offense was ineffective against Philly's defensive unit, and the Steelers managed just a paltry 165 yards of offense.
"This game with the Ravens could have featured George Pickens and Diontae Johnson in the same stadium," Mike Tomlin said, "but Johnson was excluded from team activities for the week. Baltimore is usually known for its shellfish; at least for a day on Sunday, it could have been known for its selfish."
The Ravens smashed the Giants 35-14 at MetLife Stadium, led by Lamar Jackson's 5 touchdown passes, two of which went to Rashad Bateman. Baltimore is now 9-5, and with the Steelers loss to the Eagles, now trail Pittsburgh by a single game in the AFC North.
"I knew the Giants sucked," Jackson said. "I just didn't realize how badly they sucked. I assume the 'G' in 'G-Men' is for a letter grade.
Ravens win, 23-20.
NY Giants @ Atlanta (-10)
Atlanta snapped a four-game losing streak with an ugly 15-9 win over the Raiders at Allegiant Stadium on Monday night. Kirk Cousins continued to struggle, going 11-for-17 for 112 yards, with 1 touchdown and 1 interception.
"Sometimes," Raheem Morris said, "it looks like Kirk's play matches his age. Sometimes, it looks like Kirk's age matches his quarterback rating."
The Ravens hammered the helpless Giants 35-14 in MetLife Stadium, handing New York its ninth consecutive defeat. The G-Men surrendered 5 touchdown passes to Lamar Jackson.
"I have nightmares about Lamar," Brian Daboll said. "I also have pleasant dreams about him ... being my quarterback.
"I know Giants fans are very unhappy. Luckily, only a few have the financial means to hire a pilot to fly a plane over the stadium pulling a banner that says something derogatory. So, I guess I'm saying it could be worse, as in it could be a situation in which we'd need air traffic control over MetLife.
"If the season ended today, we'd have the No. 1 pick in the 2025 NFL Draft. If the season ended today, I'd be unemployed tomorrow."
Falcons win, 27-13.
New England @ Buffalo (-14)
The Bills explosive offense was on full display in Detroit as Buffalo beat the Lions 48-42. Josh Allen passed for 362 yards and 2 touchdowns, and also rushed for 2 TDs.
"Ninety points in a game is nearly unheard," Josh Allen said. "Now, if the Cowboys would have had one more matchup in the mid-'90s with the Bills in the Super Bowl, then 90 points would not be not so uncommon. Of course, the 90 points I'm talking about is margin of victory.
"Winning the AFC East is old hat for us. It's a case of 'Been there, done that.' Winning the Super Bowl? That's another story. That's a case of 'Been there, not done that.'"
Bills win, 30-19.
Detroit @ Chicago (+7)
The Bears lost 30-12 to the Vikings at U.S. Bank Stadium on Monday night. It was Chicago's eighth-straight loss after a promising 4-2 start.
"We've got to be better about protecting Caleb Williams," Thomas Brown said. "That being said, Caleb needs to be better about getting rid of the ball, instead of running around back there like a chicken with its head cut off.
"But as they say, Caleb is a different kind of animal. He's a 'new age' quarterback, what with his painted fingernails, crying, love for sneakers, and kegel exercises. And he's probably going to need a new-age coach, which is not me."
Despite a 5-touchdown day from Jared Goff, the Lions lost 48-42 to Josh Allen and the Bills. Allen countered with 4 total touchdowns of his own, and Detroit fell to 12-2.
"We've got so many injuries on defense," Dan Campbell said. "We've had broken legs, torn ACLs, broken arms, concussions, and groin injuries. Heck, cornerback Carlton Davis just suffered a broken jaw. And let me tell you, that makes biting kneecaps nearly impossible."
Lions win, 28-20.
Tennessee @ Indianapolis (-4½)
The Titans lost 37-14 to the visiting Bengals, who roared back from a 14-7 first quarter deficit. Will Levis was pulled in the third quarter after throwing 3 interceptions, the last of which was returned for a touchdown.
"Will doesn't just get pulled," Brian Callahan said. "He gets yanked, often by one of those long, stage-prop canes, which, not surprisingly, is attached to a short leash. And that means Mason Rudolph will be starting for us.
"You've probably seen Will in an ad for Hellman's mayonnaise. Will is a lot like Hellman's mayonnaise — white, easily contained, and not good at being a quarterback."
Colts win, 23-20.
L.A. Rams @ NY Jets (+3½)
The Rams used a ball-control offense, and a sturdy defense, to beat the 49ers in sloppy conditions on Thursday night at Levi's Stadium. Kyren Williams rushed for 108 yards and the L.A. defense held the 49ers to under 200 yards of total offense.
"In that mess," Sean McVay said, "our offense was certainly not the 'Greatest Show on Turf.' Our offense was slow, heavy on the running game, and didn't even score a touchdown. Thus, our offense was the 'Greatest Plod on Sod.'"
The Jets came out on top in a dogfight with the Jaguars, winning 32-25 in Jacksonville. Aaron Rodgers passed for 3 touchdowns, 2 to Davante Adams, who had 9 catches for 198 yards and 2 TDs.
"It was indeed just like old times," Rodgers said, "because Davante and I have a combined age of 72 years.
"I heard Bill Belichick inquired about the Jets' head coaching job. I think by 'inquired' it doesn't necessarily mean he asked, 'Will you hire me?' I think the question he likely asked was, 'Is there anyone dumb enough to take this job?'"
Rams win, 27-21.
Philadelphia @ Washington (+3½)
The Eagles suffocated the visiting Steelers' offense in a 27-13 win at Lincoln Financial Field. Philly held the Steelers to just 163 yards of total offense, while Jalen Hurts peppered A.J. Brown and DeVonta Smith with targets, and each has a TD reception.
"It's really cool when old friends reconnect," Hurts said, "after being estranged for a length of time. I was happy to get A.J. Brown the ball. When he scored that touchdown, he said 'It's about time.' What I heard, though, was 'It's a-pout time.'"
Eagles win, 28-22.
Arizona @ Carolina (+2½)
Bryce Young was sacked 6 times by the Cowboys, and the Panthers defense gave up three Cooper Rush touchdown passes, as Carolina lost 30-14 to Dallas.
"Bryce got bum rushed," Dave Canales said. "And our defense got exposed by that bum Rush."
James Conner rushed for 110 yards and scored 2 touchdowns as the Cardinals overwhelmed the visiting Patriots 30-17. Arizona kept its slim playoff hopes alive by improving to 7-7.
"James put our team on his back," Jonathan Gannon said. "All too often, Kyler Murray puts this team on its back.
"The NFC West is a unique division right now. It's the only division in which all four teams are still alive for a playoff spot. And only two games separates the team at the top, the Rams at 8-6, and the team at the bottom, the 49ers at 6-8. I think a lot of people are pulling for us to win the division; those people are players on playoff teams that could be potential opponents of the Rams in the playoffs."
Cardinals win, 27-21.
Minnesota @ Seattle (+3½)
The Packers struck early and easily defeated the Seahawks 30-13 on Sunday night at Lumen Field. Geno Smith left the game late in the third quarter with an ankle injury, and is out against the Vikings.
"We have all the confidence in the world," Mike Macdonald said, "that Sam Howell will run our offense ... And I have zero confidence that I'll be able to complete that previous sentence in a way I'd like to.
"But it looks like Geno is going to give it a go. That's good, because I'm afraid Sam would give it a stop."
Vikings win, 26-20.
Jacksonville @ Las Vegas (-1)
The Jaguars lost 32-25 to the visiting Jets. Mac Jones and Brian Thomas, Jr. kept the Jags in it, combining for 2 TD connections. Jacksonville dropped to 3-11, tied with Tennessee for last in the AFC South.
"Mac held his own against Aaron Rodgers," Doug Pederson said. "That's a little different than holding your own with Aaron Rodgers, which sounds like the kind of thing that goes on at one of these ayahuasca retreats that Rodgers swears by.
"This game could have huge draft day implications. That is, until these two teams make their picks and find out two years later that those picks turned out to suck."
The Raiders lost 15-9 to the visiting Eagles on Monday night.
"Defensive coordinators have speculated on how to stop Brock Bowers," Antonio Pierce said. "Little did they know, the solution was sitting on our own depth chart the whole time."
Jags win, 20-13.
San Francisco @ Miami (-1½)
The Rams shut down Brock Purdy and the 49ers offense in a 12-6 Rams win on Thursday night at Levi's Stadium. The loss all but ended San Fran's playoff chances.
"I guess you've heard that De'Vondre Campbell refused to enter the game and left the field in the third quarter. That's certainly not the way to ingratiate yourself to your teammates, unless your teammate is Antonio Brown. In a related note, we emptied De'Vondre's locker, and tossed the contents over a balcony onto the street.
"We're gonna need a miracle to make the playoffs. Actually, we're gonna need a series of miracles. If NFL football was a game of Scrabble, we'd need to play the word 'Juszczyk' in at least five successive turns in order to make the playoffs."
Tua Tagovailoa had 4 turnovers in Miami's 20-12 loss to the Texans in Houston. The loss was a brutal blow to the Dolphins' playoff hopes, and they'll likely need to win out to have any chance.
"We're certainly capable of winning three games," Mike McDaniels said. "Adding 'in a row' to that makes it a bit more difficult."
49ers win, 28-27.
Tampa Bay @ Dallas (+4)
The Baker Mayfield-to-Mike Evans connection was unstoppable as the Buccaneers raced to a 40-17 win over the Chargers at SoFi Stadium. Mayfield and Evans hooked up for 2 long TD scores in the third quarter to put the game out of reach. Tampa is 8-6, one game up on the Falcons in the NFC South.
"We planted several flags," Mayfield said, "in the Chargers end zone.
"I can't wait to play in AT&T Stadium. We plan to pile on the points, and watch Jerry Jones squirm for a reason other than another paternity suit. It's already been a season that's taken years off a Jerry. By the time we're done on Sunday, Jerry's gonna be 140."
Cooper Rush passed for 3 touchdowns, and Micah Parsons and the Dallas defense wreaked havoc on Bryce Young and the Panthers offense as Dallas cruised to a 30-14 win.
"We're still in the hunt for a playoff spot," Mike McCarthy said. "That's the good news. The better news is if we do, in fact, make the playoffs, we won't have a home playoff game. That's the better news because we can't win there.
"It's Cooper versus Baker. Is this an NFL football game, or Rush Week at Sigma Chi?"
Bucs win, 34-30.
New Orleans @ Green Bay (-8)
The Saints' comeback effort against the visiting Commanders fell short after a failed 2-point conversion attempt after a touchdown as time in regulation expired.
"We almost pulled it out," Darren Rizzi said. "Thanks to some exceptional clock management skills by the officials."
The visiting Packers overwhelmed the Seahawks 30-13 on Sunday night, led by Josh Jacobs power running and Jordan Love and Romeo Doubs, who hooked up for 2 scores.
"If you saw the 'New York Sack Exchange' documentary on ESPN," Matt Lafleur said, "then you probably saw the footage of Mark Gastineau confronting Brett Favre at a memorabilia signing event. Favre looked genuinely taken aback. But if you really want to see Favre shook up at a similar event, ask him to sign a volleyball."
Packers win, 24-10.
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