Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Green Bay @ Detroit (-3½)
The Lions built a 16-0 halftime lead over the visiting Bears, then held on to take a 23-20 on Thanksgiving Day at Ford Field.
"I think I speak for all Bears fans," Dan Campbell said, "when I say 'Time should expire on Matt Eberflus' tenure as Chicago head coach.' And it looks like it did. Major props to the Bears front office for finally making a good coaching decision. I'm guessing Ryan Poles thought about it for 33 seconds before deciding that Eberflus had to go.
"We're dealing with a lot of injuries on defense. For that reason, we signed Jamal Adams. Jamal has a history of wreaking havoc on teams, and they're usually his own."
Jordan Love tossed 2 touchdown passes, both to Jayden Reed, as the Packers handled the Dolphins 30-17 on Thanksgiving night at chilly Lambeau Field. Green Bay is 9-3 and in third place in the competitive NFC North race.
"Miami is just a different team in cold weather," Love said. "If you try to convince me that the Dolphins can function as well in cold weather, I will 'blow holes' in your theory."
Lions win, 24-23.
Jacksonville @ Tennessee (-3½)
The Jaguars hung tough, but eventually lost 23-20 to the visiting Texans. Trevor Lawrence was knocked out of the game early on a late hit, but Mac Jones rallied the team with 2 touchdown passes.
"That was truly a dirty hit," Doug Pederson said. "Jaguars fans know a dirty hit when they see one, and when they see one, it's usually in a filthy, wrong-side-of-town gas station bathroom with a well-worn crack pipe."
The Titans flopped in D.C., falling behind 28-0 in the first half on their way to a 42-19 loss to the Commanders.
"When we get behind," Brian Callahan said, "we become a one-dimensional team. That one-dimension is Will Levis throwing the ball. And believe me, Will knows how to throw it. Where to throw it? That's another question.
"Calvin Ridley is our best receiver, and we really need to get him the ball more. Calvin has really overcome the odds. And let's face it, 'the odds' are really what got him in trouble in the first place. Calvin is a supremely confident individual, and it's not against the NFL's personal conduct rules to bet on yourself."
Titans win, 27-26.
NY Jets @ Miami (-6½)
The Dolphins couldn't overcome a 24-3 halftime deficit to the Packers and eventually lost 30-17 to the Packers. Tua Tagovailoa passed for 365 yards and 2 touchdowns, as Miami fell to 5-7.
"A lot of people say we can't win in cold weather," Mike McDaniel said. "A lot of people apparently have eyes.
"Although Tyreek Hill had a touchdown reception, we need more from him. We need Tyreek to get vertical. That's in stark difference to him getting horizontal, which is what the cops in Miami did to him back in September."
The Jets blew a 14-0 first quarter lead and collapsed down the stretch in a 26-21 loss to the Seahawks at MetLife Stadium. New York went scoreless in the second half, as Seattle scored the second half's only points, with 10 in the final quarter.
"I consider this progress," Aaron Rodgers said. "Because we actually had a lead to blow.
"We're 3-9, but believe it or not, things are looking up. Actually, it's not things looking up, but players looking up, to see if there's a helicopter holding our team owner coming to tell them they're fired. I've heard of 'helicopter parents. I guess Woody Johnson is a 'helicopter owner.'
"If you would have told me before the season that Jeff Ulbrich, of all people, would be deflecting questions about whether or not I'd continue to be the starter, I would have said you're crazy. Now, if that information would have emanated from some deep, dark, conspiratorial wormhole of the internet, I would have believed it no questions asked."
Miami wins, 27-17.
Atlanta @ Minnesota (-4½)
Sam Darnold's 5-yard touchdown pass to Aaron Jones with 1:13 left in the game gave the Vikings a come-from-behind 23-22 win over the visiting Cardinals, who controlled most of the game.
"Sam really came through in the second half for us," Kevin O'Connell said. "He's going to be the key to our playoff hopes. And I feel confident that Sam's going to play very well in the playoffs. I'm so confident when I say those words that I have fingers crossed on both hands, and my testicles crossed, as well, which was a challenge to achieve."
Kirk Cousins' 4 interceptions were too much for the Falcons to overcome in a 17-13 loss to the visiting Chargers. Cousins' issues negated a solid effort by the Atlanta defense, which limited the Chargers' offense to just 187 yards.
"Kirk manned up," Raheem Morris said, "and took blame for the loss. He really didn't need to, because no one was arguing that the loss wasn't his fault.
"This will be a homecoming for Kirk. He was in Minnesota for six seasons, so I imagine Vikings fans will give him an ovation when he arrives, and a bigger one when he leaves."
Vikings win, 27-24.
New Orleans @ NY Giants (+5)
The Giants lost 27-20 to the Cowboys at AT&T Stadium on Thanksgiving. Drew Lock struggled at quarterback, with 2 turnovers, and was sacked 6 times.
"We are mathematically eliminated from playoff contention," Brian Daboll said. "You could be terrible at math and still come to that conclusion. Am I going to be head coach of the Giants next season? It doesn't take a mathematician to determine that. So you do the math.
"I can totally understand why my players are looking ahead to next season, especially the ones who won't be with the Giants and will likely be playing for a team with competent leadership next season."
The Saints lost 21-14 to the visiting Rams at Caesars Superdome, as Darren Rizzi suffered his first loss as interim head coach. New Orleans dropped to 4-8, but are just two games behind the Falcons and Buccaneers, who lead the NFC South at 6-6.
"We're still in the playoff hunt," Rizzi said, "but we're going to need some help. By 'help' I mean the entirety of the Buccaneers and Falcons organizations disappearing off the face of the earth."
Giants win, 20-18.
Carolina @ Philadelphia (-12)
The Eagles erased an early 9-0 deficit to the Ravens in Baltimore, and dominated from the second quarter on to win 24-19, Philly's eighth-straight win. Saquon Barkley took over in the fourth quarter, and finished with 107 yards rushing and a touchdown, while the Eagles' defense held Derrick Henry to just 82 yards on 19 carries.
"We imposed our will on the Ravens," Nick Sirianni said, "and imposed our 'will not' on Henry.
"We certainly won't take the Panthers lightly. Nothing is a given in this league, except Eagles's fans urinating on something, often themselves, on a weekly basis."
The Panthers lost 26-23 in overtime to the visiting Buccaneers. Carolina was driving and in range for a potential game-winning field goal attempt, but a Chubba Hubbard fumble ended the Panthers' hopes. Tampa kicked a game-winning field goal on their ensuing possession.
"I really wanted to beat my former team," Dave Canales said. "And I really wanted our fourth victory. Four wins would have put me more than a third of the way to surpassing Matt Rhule's win total when he was head coach for the Panthers. Of course, it took Rhule three years to get there. That's insane. Also insane? It took the Panthers organization that long to get rid of him."
Eagles win, 31-21.
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh (-6½)
Russell Wilson passed for 414 yards and 3 touchdowns, as the Steelers won a 44-38 shootout against the Bengals in Cincinnati. Pittsburgh also rushed for 110 yards and a touchdown, as they improved to 9-3.
"They say a good defense is the best offense," Mike Tomlin said. "That makes no sense, because the Bengals have no defense, and the best offense.
"Now, on to my weekly George Pickens comments. George is like a son to me. More specifically, he's like a son that I would have disowned and kicked out of the house years ago. But I guess in the Tomlin household, loads of natural physical talent outweighs some glaring psychological issues."
Jameis Winston passed for 497 yards and 4 touchdowns, but threw 3 interceptions, 2 of which were returned for touchdowns, as the visiting Browns lost 41-32 to the Broncos on Monday night.
"That was the single-game version of Jameis' 33-touchdown, 30-interception 2019 season," Kevin Stefanski said. "By the way, Jameis' pre-game motivational speeches are biblical, as are his turnovers."
Steelers win, 27-23.
Las Vegas @ Tampa Bay (-7)
Chase McLaughlin's 30-yard field goals with 2:50 left in overtime gave the Buccaneers a 26-23 win over the Panthers in Charlotte. The win moved Tampa into a tie with the Falcons atop the NFC South at 6-6.
"The NFC South is very competitive," Baker Mayfield said. "Ironically, there's no competition when it comes to determining the weakest division in the NFL.
"You may have heard that I'm suing my father. I'm claiming he's a piece of shit, and as the star character witness, I will testify under oath that it is indeed a fact."
The Raiders imploded late in Kansas City, as a bad snap resulted in a fumble recovery by the Chiefs. The Raiders were well within field goal range, but instead of attempting the game-winning kick, Vegas instead suffered its eighth-straight loss in a 19-17 defeat.
"If I didn't know better," Antonio Pierce said, "I'd say we lost that game on purpose. Which really looks the same as those we lose by accident."
Bucs win, 31-20.
Seattle @ Arizona (-2½)
The Cardinals blew a late lead and lost 23-22 to the Vikings at US Bank Stadium. Arizona lost their second straight and are now 6-6, one game behind the Seahawks in the NFC West.
"This division is going to come down to the wire," Jonathan Gannon said. "And I'm confident we'll be there as one of the nine-loss teams vying for the division crown."
Zach Charbonnet's 8-yard touchdown run completed the Seahawks' comeback in a 26-21 win over the Jets at MetLife Stadium. The Seattle defense imposed their will late, holding Aaron Rodgers and the Jets scoreless in the second half.
"I hesitate to call our defense the 'Legion of Boom,'" Mike Macdonald said, "but I don't hesitate to call the S-show of a football team known as the Jets the 'Legion of Doom.' The Jets' version of the 'Legion of Doom' is 'Super-Friendly' to opposing teams."
Cardinals win, 23-20.
Buffalo @ L.A. Rams (+4½)
The Bills walked over the visiting 49ers 35-10 in the snow in Buffalo and clinched the AFC East. Josh Allen had 2 touchdown passes, including one to himself, and also rushed for one score.
"Josh is the leading candidate to win MVP," Sean Payton said. "And if he can throw touchdown passes to himself, he should also be able to vote for himself.
"Our motto is 'A Super Bowl Win or Bust.' Currently, 100% of the money in Vegas is on 'Bust.'"
Matthew Stafford passed for 183 yards and 2 touchdowns, as the Rams beat the Saints, 21-14. L.A. is 6-6, just a game behind the 7-5 Seahawks in the NFC West.
"This is a special team," Sean McVay said. "And I myself would feel very unspecial if I would have been unable to outcoach a former special teams coordinator in Darren Rizzi.
"I'll have to be at my best in coaching if we're going to be able to beat the Bills, who are arguably the best team in the league. I like to think my motivational skills are strong, but I might need a little extra to convince my team they can beat Buffalo. So don't be surprised if I whip out the trusty 9-11 reference."
Bills win, 28-20.
Chicago @ San Francisco (-3½)
The Bears lost 23-20 to the Lions on Thanksgiving as Chicago squandered a chance to tie the game with poor clock management. On Friday, about 24 hours later, Matt Eberflus was fired as head coach.
"Kudos to the Bears front office," D.J. Moore said. "Unlike some former members of this organization, they didn't waste any time in making a decision.
"That was a terrible display of time management. Still keeping Matt Eberflus as head coach for as long as we did was a terrible display of team management. But good luck to Matt to wherever he coaches next. And better luck to the team he ends up coaching."
The Bills overwhelmed the 49ers in the snow in Buffalo, trouncing San Francisco, 35-10. It was a particularly costly loss for the 49ers, as both Christian McCaffrey and Jordan Mason were placed on injured reserve.
"Let me tell you," Kyle Shanahan said, "I hate 25-point deficits almost as much as I hate 25-point leads.
"This has been a season to forget. I think we need a reboot, which is a word I said earlier this season when I felt we needed a kicker other than Jake Moody."
49ers win, 27-19.
L.A. Chargers @ Kansas City (-4)
The Chiefs pulled out a miraculous 19-17 win over the Raiders on Black Friday, as Las Vegas botched a snap and fumbled one play before they were likely to attempt a potential game-winning, and makeable, field goal. Kansas City improved to 11-1, 6-0 at home, and clinched a playoff berth.
"We were staring defeat right in the face," Patrick Mahomes said, "but we didn't blink. The Raiders were staring victory right in the face, then put a patch over the other eye to receive the snap from center."
The Chargers picked off Kirk Cousins 4 times, including 1 interception that was returned for a touchdown, in a 17-13 win over the Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Los Angeles improved to 8-4 and currently holds the sixth seed in the AFC.
"Sometimes," Jim Harbaugh said, "you have to invade enemy territory, bully your opponent, plant your flag, and maybe take a little residual pepper spray to the face."
Chiefs win, 27-22.
Cincinnati @ Dallas (+5½)
The Cowboys won their second in a row, a 27-20 win over the visiting Giants on Thanksgiving. The Dallas defense sacked Drew Lock 6 times, and DeMarvion Overshown returned an interception for a touchdown.
"We're 5-7," Mike McCarthy said. "With two more wins, we'd be 7-7 and could possibly slip into the playoffs if we keep the momentum going. I think if we could get into the playoffs, we could do some damage ... to my already horrible playoff record."
The Bengals defense gave up over 500 yards of total offense to the Steelers in a 44-38 home loss to the Steelers. Joe Burrow's 3 touchdown passes weren't enough, as Cincy dropped to 4-8.
"I heard the ceiling was falling down at AT&T Stadium," Joe Burrow said. "I can relate somewhat, because the floor has dropped out of our season. That's why we're in the basement of the AFC North.
"I think it's a dream of any player to beat the Cowboys on their home field. So I guess they're running a veritable Make-A-Wish Foundation' at AT&T Stadium this season."
Bengals win, 34-30.
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