Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Chicago @ Detroit (-10½)
The Lions beat the Colts 24-6 at Lucas Oil Stadium to add another dominant win over an AFC South team to their record. Detroit controlled the line of scrimmage and time of possession with their two-head running attack of Jahmyr Gibbs and David Montgomery.
"If we want to run the ball down your throat," Dan Campbell said, "then that's what we will do. And we'll run it really far down your throat. And it will be really insulting to you when we tell you you just got 'deep-throated.'
"And if you're talking about 'eating it,' that naturally brings us to Thanksgiving. The Thanksgiving Day game in Detroit has been a tradition since 1934. And losing that game was also a tradition for many of those years. I've changed that. Thanksgiving is a time of thanks, and eating. As a Lions fan, it was hard to enjoy seconds when your team was giving you 'fourths.' 'Fourths' in this case is where the Lions would finish in the NFC North."
Lions win, 28-17.
NY Giants @ Dallas (-4)
The Giants entered the post-Daniel Jones era with a 30-7 loss at home to the Buccaneers. Tommy DeVito completed 21-of-31 passes for 189 yards, but could not generate any big plays for the New York offense.
"At this point for Tommy," Brian Daboll said, "it's all about building confidence. So, if I tell him he's the best quarterback in the NFL that plays his home games at MetLife Stadium, then I've done my job. If he can tell I'm lying, then I haven't done my job.
"I guess you've heard that we released Daniel on November 22nd. Actually, Daniel asked to be released, and after much thought and consideration, we agreed to his wishes approximately a minute later.
"That being said, we're pleased to have Tommy as our quarterback. Maybe he won't be our quarterback of the future, but Tommy is certainly suited for life as a backup QB, or if that doesn't work out, a career in waste management consulting. And it all makes sense, because Tommy is at his best in garbage time."
The Cowboys upset the Commanders 34-26 at Northwest Stadium to snap a five-game losing streak. Cooper Rush passed for 2 touchdowns, and the Cowboys returned two kickoffs for touchdowns.
"It was good to play a game away from home," Mike McCarthy said. "One, because we're 0-5 at AT&T Stadium, and two, Northwest Stadium has no roof, so we felt a lot safer. It's nice to play a game in which you don't have to worry about being hit by objects falling from the sky, whether it be pieces of a roof, or feces and/or rotting vegetables thrown by disgruntled Cowboys fans."
Cowboys win, 24-23.
Miami @ Green Bay (-3)
Tua Tagovailoa passed for 317 yards and 4 touchdowns to lead the Dolphins to a 34-15 win over the Patriots at Hard Rock Stadium.
"I hope to never see Tua suffer another concussion," Mike McDaniel said, "But not nearly as much as I hope to never see Skylar Thompson start a game at quarterback for us.
"We've won three in a row, but we're really gonna have to step it up if we're going to make the playoffs. But we've got two things working in our favor, and those two things are games left against the Jets."
The Packers walloped the injury-plagued 49ers 38-10 at Lambeau Field. Josh Jacobs rushed for 106 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Jordan Love may not be the most accurate quarterback in the league," Matt Lafleur said, "but he's not afraid to make any throw. He's a gunslinger. And more often than not, when he slings a gun, it falls incomplete."
Packers win, 27-17.
Las Vegas @ Kansas City (-13)
The Chiefs beat the pesky Panthers 30-27 at Bank Of America Stadium. Spencer Strader's 31-yard field goal as time expired gave K.C. the win and they are now 10-1, and 5-1 on the road.
"Spencer isn't quite as talented as Harrison Butker," Andy Reid said. "But he has one advantage over Harrison — Spencer only lets his leg do the talking.
"We know the Raiders are going to bring their 'A' game. Or, they may do what they do against most teams and bring a game. And if we bring anything other than our 'A' game, we still should be able to handily beat the Raiders."
The Raiders fell 29-19 at home to the Broncos, who sent Las Vegas to their seventh consecutive loss. Gardner Minshew was knocked out of the game late with a shoulder injury. It was later revealed that Minshew suffered a broken collarbone and is out for the season.
"Desmond Ridder finished the game in relief of Gardner," Antonio Pierce said. "But let me tell you, having Desmond as our QB is anything but a relief. Anyway, we're going to simplify our offense to benefit us and Desmond, because the less he knows, the better.
"I think it's cool we're playing on 'Black Friday. That way, I know Mark Davis isn't out shopping for a new head coach."
Chiefs win, 27-20.
L.A. Chargers @ Atlanta (+1½)
The Falcons had a Week 12 bye and are 6-5 in the NFC South, a game ahead of the Buccaneers.
"There are three teams capable of winning this division," Kirk Cousins said. "I think it's really a question of 'Who wants it most?' Now, I can tell you exactly who wants it most? That would be the wild card team that's lucky enough to play the South winner in the playoffs.
"It's important we get off to a fast start. There's a lot to be said for an Atlanta team having a big lead against an AFC opponent. Keeping that lead? That's an entirely different story."
The Chargers lost 30-23 to the visiting Ravens on Monday night at SoFi Stadium.
"That was a good, physical matchup," Jim Harbaugh said. "I likened that matchup with my brother to the wrestling matches we engaged in as teenagers. Only we were wearing clothes.
"Justin Herbert is the kind of quarterback a coach like me dreams about. Justin is very reserved and quiet, so I can count on him to keep his mouth shut if he finds out something incriminating about me."
Chargers win, 27-22.
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati (-2½)
The Steelers lost 24-19 to the Brown in snowy Cleveland on Thursday night. The loss knocked the Steelers to 8-3, and their lead over the Ravens is just one game in the AFC North.
"Following a loss," Mike Tomlin said, "you really have your work cut out for you. For me, my post-loss routine never changes, and that's 1) addressing the mental health of George Pickens, and 2) cranking up the 'Mike Tomlin Quote Generator' to full blast. Now, I can't speak to what George is going through, but I know someone who can — Antonio Brown. As I like to say, 'The standard is the standard,' and as far as troubled wide receivers go, Antonio is the standard."
The Bengals had a Week 12 bye and are 4-7, four games behind the 8-3 Steelers in the AFC North.
"We basically have to play flawless football in the final seven weeks of the regular season," Joe Burrow said. "That shouldn't be a problem for our offense, because that's what we've been doing all year. Our defense? There's no answer to that statement. Anytime you say 'our defense,' it is followed by a question mark."
Steelers win, 24-22.
Arizona @ Minnesota (-3½)
Kyler Murray struggled in a 16-6 Cardinals loss to the Seahawks at Lumen Field. Murray was sacked 5 times and threw 1 interception, as Arizona slipped into a tie with the Seahawks atop the NFC West.
"I'm not quite sure Kyler had his head in the game," Jonathan Gannon said. "He just seemed out of sync. And when Kyler's out of sync, our offense is in the toilet.
"But I'm sure Kyler will rebound. He's putting in the work this year. I would say Kyler knows the playbook like the back of his hand. But that would imply that Kyler's never seen the back of his hand."
The Vikings beat the Bears 30-27 in overtime at Soldier Field, powered by a big game from Jordan Addison, who had 8 receptions for 162 yards and a touchdown.
"I don't think Jordan has such a big day if Justin Jefferson doesn't draw so much attention," Kevin O'Connell said. "And speaking of 'drawing attention,' have you seen me in a quilted vest?
"The unsung hero for us was the offensive line. My initials are 'KOC,' so I call those guys the 'KOC Blockers.'"
Vikings win, 26-21.
Indianapolis @ New England (+3)
The Colts lost 24-6 to the Lions at Lucas Oil Stadium.
"We just have to be better in the red zone," Shane Steichen said. "You don't want to settle for field goals any more than you want to settle for a coach who has no idea how to develop a quarterback with generational talent. And I'll leave it up to you to decide whether I'm talking about me, Jerod Mayo, or Matt Eberflus."
Colts win, 24-18.
Seattle @ NY Jets (+2½)
The Jets' Week 12 bye was highlighted by the firing of general manager Joe Douglas on November 19th. Owner Woody Johnson made the call after dropping in on Jets practice in his helicopter.
"Woody has his own personal chopper," Aaron Rodgers said. "And after firing a head coach and a general manager, Woody is a 'personal chopper.'
"But Woody even suggested benching me after our Week 4 10-9 loss to the Broncos. Doesn't Woody know I'm bulletproof? And I don't mean immunized from losing my job, I mean actually bulletproof, as in bullets won't penetrate my skin. I'm not only a vaccine and science denier, but also a bullet denier."
Jets win, 24-20.
Tennessee @ Washington (-5½)
The Commanders came up on the short end of a wild game against the Cowboys, who returned two second half kickoffs for touchdowns to secure a 34-26 win. Jayden Daniels' 86-yard TD strike to Terry McLaurin with 21 seconds left in the game cut the Dallas lead to one at 27-26, but Austin Seibert missed the ensuing extra point.
"Can you say 'Austin 3/16?'" Dan Quinn said. "If you can, then you know that equates to about 19%, which might very well be Seibert's percentage of made kicks as of late.
"Witnessing a play like Jayden and Terry's, then seeing the extra point missed, will make your head spin. And when my head spins, my ball cap ends up facing the right way on my head. Like an adult should wear it."
Will Levis overcame 89 sacks to throw for 278 yards and 2 long TD passes, as the visiting Titans upset the Texans, 32-27.
"Will has all the determination in the world," Brian Callahan said. "He has a knack for getting knocked down, getting back up, and brushing himself off. The determination comes when he decides to do it all over again."
Commanders win, 27-24.
Houston @ Jacksonville (+5)
The visiting Titans stunned the Texans 32-27 at NRG Stadium. C.J. Stroud was continually pressured by the Titans defensive front, and Tennessee easily moved the ball on the Houston defense.
"C.J. is struggling a bit," DeMeco Ryans said. "He's definitely not in mid-season form. Actually, it looks like he's in Bryce Young early-season form."
The Jaguars had a Week 12 bye and are 2-9, last in the AFC South.
"I'm barely hanging on to my job here in Jacksonville," Doug Pederson said. "But I'm gonna continue coaching until someone tells me to stop, or until someone tells me to start ... packing."
Texans win, 30-21.
L.A. Rams @ New Orleans (+3)
The Rams defense was victimized again and again by Saquon Barkley, who piled up 302 total yards and 2 long rushing scores to lead the Eagles to a 37-20 win over the Rams at SoFi Stadium on Monday night.
"Saquon really exposed our defense," Sean McVay said. "In fact, he overexposed our defense. And speaking of 'Eagles' and 'overexposure,' can I go anywhere without seeing Jason Kelce?"
The Saints return from a Week 12 by just two games out of first in the NFC South.
"This team is undefeated since Dennis Allen was fired and Darren Rizzi was named head coach," Derek Carr said. "Which just goes to show that 'Nobody beats the 'Riz,' 'Nobody beats the 'Riz.' That is, until they do."
Rams win, 27-19.
Tampa Bay @ Carolina (+6)
The Buccaneers manhandled the Giants 30-7 at MetLife Stadium, led by a rushing attack that accounted for 156 yards and 4 touchdowns.
"There was no way I was going to let Tommy DeVito outplay me," Baker Mayfield said. "And he didn't. I didn't even throw a single TD pass, and Tommy Cutlets still couldn't outplay me.
"I really wasn't making fun of Tommy by mocking his celebration. That was just me honoring his Italian roots. To my knowledge, I have no Italian heritage. But I have been told I was conceived in an Olive Garden."
Buccaneers win, 24-23.
Philadelphia @ Baltimore (-3½)
The Eagles overpowered the Rams 37-20 on Sunday night behind the legs of Saquon Barkley. Barkley rushed for 255 yards and scored on runs of 70 and 72 yards.
"Saquon has really turned a lot of heads with his performance. Now, it's one thing to turn your head so you can see something; it's another thing to turn your head so you don't see something. I guess what I'm saying is that Saquon played at Penn State, but not for Joe Paterno."
The Ravens took care of the Chargers 30-23 on Monday night. Lamar Jackson passed for 2 touchdowns and Baltimore rushed for 212 yards as a team.
"It's the Eagles versus the Ravens," John Harbaugh said. "The national bird versus a bird made famous by an opium-addicted, alcoholic, literary icon. You would think Eagles fans would admire someone like Edgar Allan Poe. But they don't, and if you think about it, it makes sense. Eagles fans like doing drugs and pounding alcohol, but they can't read."
Eagles win, 28-27.
San Francisco @ Buffalo (-6½)
The 49ers, without injured quarterback Brock Purdy, were subjected to a 38-10 beatdown by the Packers at Lambeau Field. Quarterback Brandon Allen had 2 turnovers, as San Fran dropped to 5-6, only one game out of the NFC West lead.
"Brandon was thrust into a tough situation," Kyle Shanahan said, "and spit out a tree branch through a wood chipper.
"This could very well be a preview of a Super Bowl matchup in which both teams lose. We've lost three of the last 12 Super Bowls. So basically, we lose every fourth Super Bowl. But I guess losing every fourth Super Bowl is better than losing all four Super Bowls."
The Bills had a Week 12 bye and at 9-2 have a commanding lead in the AFC East.
"We know the 49ers are struggling," Josh Allen said. "But we can't take them lightly, like we would if they were one of our opposing AFC East teams."
Bills win, 28-24.
Cleveland @ Denver (-5)
The Browns upset the visiting Steelers 24-19 on Thursday night in Cleveland, led by Nick Chubb's 2 touchdown runs and a gritty game from quarterback Jameis Winston.
"As you could tell by his pre-game interview," Kevin Stefanski said, "Jameis is a man of faith. He can't thank God enough. So I guess what Jameis is saying to God is 'Thank you God for making me such an F-up in my previous NFL career that you could redeem me in such a manner that I'm hailed as a hero for a game in which I had zero passing touchdowns and two turnovers.' Amen."
The Broncos beat the Raiders 29-19 in Las Vegas. Bo Nix passed for 273 yards and 2 touchdowns, as Denver improved to 7-5.
"I really enjoy taking a raw quarterback and refining him into something special," Sean Payton said. "I feel like I've done that with Bo. I think I really have a knack for it. I like to call myself 'The Quarterback Whisperer, Who Likes to Yell.'"
Broncos win, 20-10.
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