Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland (+4)
Chris Boswell kicked 6 field goals, and the Pittsburgh defense foiled a late Ravens 2-point conversion attempt, as the Steelers won 18-16 to build a two-game lead in the AFC North.
"That was a typically tough Steelers/Ravens matchup," Mike Tomlin said. "It's like both teams drew a line in the sand and dared the other to cross it. The Ravens also drew a line at the goal line and dared us to cross it. We couldn't.
"Luckily, we have a kicker in Boswell who's name is synonymous with 'made field goal.' After the season ends, his name will be synonymous with 'Steelers Offensive MVP.'"
The Saints waxed the Browns, 35-14, despite a big day from Jameis Winston. Winston passed for 395 yards and 2 touchdowns, but the Saints offense had its way with the Browns defense.
"We can't expect Jameis to do everything," Kevin Stefanski said. "You certainly don't want to put too much on Jameis' shoulders. Unless it's a crate of crab legs from Publix; he can easily handle those.
"Hopefully, Jameis' future is bright, whether that's here or somewhere else. The list of Browns quarterbacks and their ventures after leaving Cleveland is long and undistinguished. 'Johnny Football' became 'Johnny 8-Ball.' Tim Couch was put out on the side of the road for anyone to pick up, and no one did. And Deshaun Watson is likely to follow in those footsteps.
Steelers win, 19-16.
Minnesota @ Chicago (+3½)
The Vikings whipped the Titans 23-13 at Nissan Stadium to remain one game behind the Lions in the NFC North. Sam Darnold passed for 246 yards and 2 touchdowns and also added a rushing score.
"Sam bounced back from a tough game against the Jaguars in Week 10," Kevin O'Connell said. "If there's one thing Sam knows how to do, it's bounce. Sometimes, that's 'bouncing' back from a tough game. Other times, it's when he's called into the front office after a terrible season and told 'It's time for you to bounce.'"
The Bears lost their fourth straight game, a tough 20-19 loss to the Packers in Green Bay. Cairo Santos 46-yard field goal attempt to win the game was blocked, and Chicago fell to 4-6, last in the NFC North.
"And speaking of 'blocked,'" Matt Eberflus said, "my access to team headquarters may soon be.
"We scored just 3 points in Week 10 against the Patriots. I'm just glad we scored in Green Bay. A shutout would have been humiliating. And speaking of 'shutout,' Caleb will be just that in the Rookie of the Year voting. On a positive note, he's aligned himself very well to win Comeback Player of the Year next season. Me? I've aligned myself very well to be 'Don't Comeback Coach of the Year.' And I should win that unanimously."
Bears win, 22-19.
Detroit @ Indianapolis (+8)
The Lions vaporized the visiting Jaguars 52-6 at Ford Field. Detroit racked up 645 total yards and held the Jags to 10 first downs.
"I know it might have looked like it," Dan Campbell said, "but I wasn't trying to get Doug Pederson fired. He's perfectly capable of doing that himself. 'Capable' may be an understatement; he's very good at it.
"This will be our third straight game against an AFC South opponent. Which translates to three straight wins. In two of those previous wins, we scored 50 points. Maybe the NFL needs to institute a 'Slaughter Rule' when we play an AFC South team. If you drop the 'S' from 'Slaughter Rule,' it becomes 'Laughter Rule,' which is currently the case when we play a South team."
Anthony Richardson's 4-yard TD run with 46 yards left gave the Colts a 28-27 road win over the Jets at MetLife Stadium.
"This is a reason to celebrate," Shane Steichen said. "Not necessarily because we won, but because it left Aaron Rodgers at a loss for words.
"I consider myself a lucky head coach. Each week, I get to choose between two quarterbacks to be the starter. I'm lucky because one of them isn't Aaron Rodgers."
Lions win, 31-20.
New England @ Miami (-7)
Tua Tagovailoa passed for 288 yards and 3 touchdowns to lead the Dolphins to a 34-19 win over the visiting Raiders.
"Tua is back to being his old self," Mike McDaniel said. "Sadly, Tua doesn't remember his old self.
"Tyreek Hill has been dealing with a nagging wrist injury for a while. He says it was a result of being detained by police in Miami back in September before the season opener. You might call that 'copping a feel.'"
The Patriots lost 28-22 at home to the Rams and Matthew Stafford, who passed for 4 touchdowns. Drake Maye passed for 282 yards and 2 touchdowns, but had 2 costly turnovers.
"Drake needs to limit his turnovers," Jerod Mayo said. "If he can do that, and marry a Brazilian supermodel, and switch to a new age, douchebag diet, and be involved in numerous scandals, and destroy an incriminating cell phone or two, and dabble in sketchy alternative medicine diets, then he has a very slim chance of being the next Tom Brady."
Dolphins win, 27-24.
Tampa Bay @ NY Giants (+5)
The Giants had a Week 11 bye and return to action with a 2-8 record, last in the NFC East.
"We're tied for the worst record in the NFL," Brian Daboll said. "So we have a good chance of getting the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft. If my team was a car, and we pulled up to a full service gas station, I would say 'Fill'er up,' because we're going 'full tank.'
"If there's one thing we've learned in my time here, it's that there is a reason I'm bald. And that reason is Daniel Jones. And that's part of the reason I'm benching Daniel and naming Tommy DeVito starter. And I've demoted Daniel to No. 3 on the depth chart. It can't be that surprising, because everyone knows Daniel is worse than 'No. 2.'"
The Buccaneers had a Week 11 bye and are 4-6, a game and a half behind the 6-5 Falcons in the NFC South.
"My stiff arm of Nick Bosa has made more of a legend that I already am in Tampa," Mayfield said. "I heard some people are having latex models of my left arm made in honor of the play. I also heard some people already had those. I'm not sure what those people are doing with those, but to each his own. And if you don't think those people should be able to do what they want, you can shove it up your ass."
Giants win, 24-20.
Dallas @ Washington (-10)
The Eagles defense controlled Jayden Daniels and the Commanders defense, and Saquon Barkley took over in the second half, as Philly beat Washington 26-18 on Thursday night at Lincoln Financial Field.
"I think Jayden was confused by the Eagles defense," Dan Quinn said. "And also confused by our offense.
"Even though they are our mortal enemies, it still saddens me to see the state that the Cowboys are currently in. But I can be sad and at the same time make fun of them. So here goes. This Dallas team has become less Cowboys and more Rodeo Clowns."
The Cowboys lost 34-10 to the visiting Texans on Monday night. Dallas fell to 3-7 and 0-5 at home.
"You probably heard that there was debris falling from the ceiling of AT&T Stadium," Jerry Jones said. "The elements have really played a factor in our season lately. First it was the sunshine, then it was 'da breeze.'
"When people aren't calling me the 'genital warts of NFL owners,' they call me an optimist. I don't see a glass half full or half empty. I don't even see a glass. As a Cowboy, I see a 10-gallon hat. And that hat is all the way full. In fairness, it's filled with cow dung."
Commanders win, 32-24.
Kansas City @ Carolina (+11)
The Panthers return from a Week 11 bye on a two-game winning streak, marked by improved play from Bryce Young.
"We're riding a wave of momentum," Dave Canales said. "And we're riding it on the world's tiniest surfboard.
"If we could beat the Chiefs, it would be an upset of monumental proportions. And speaking of 'monumental proportions,' have you seen Andy Reid eat a meal?"
The Chiefs undefeated streak came to an end in a 30-21 loss to the Bills in Buffalo.
"I'm sure the remaining members of the 1972 Dolphins are breathing a sigh of relief," Andy Reid said. "Prayers up for those no longer with us. And I guess for another year, the chance of a team going undefeated is dead and buried.
"The loss to Buffalo was tough. But let's face it, nobody's perfect. Except Patrick Mahomes in the playoffs versus the Bills."
Chiefs win, 27-19.
Tennessee @ Houston (-8)
The Titans lost 23-13 at home to the Vikings, who controlled the clock and sacked Will Levis 5 times.
"Will did have one exceptional play," Brian Callahan said. "He had a 98-yard TD pass to Nick Westbrook-Ikhine. Will has all the arm talent in the world. Unfortunately, that's his only body part that has talent."
The Texans beat the error-prone Cowboys 34-10 on Monday night. Joe Mixon had 153 total yards and 3 rushing touchdowns.
"It's hard to believe we got Joe from the Bengals for just a seventh-round pick," DeMeco Ryans said. "I guess you would call that a 'low-ball' offer. And speaking of 'low balls,' 82-year-old Jerry Jones has a set that is probably dragging the ground now."
Texans win, 26-13.
Denver @ Las Vegas (+5½)
The Raiders lost 34-19 to the Dolphins at Hard Rock Stadium, and Vegas has now lost six in a row after a 2-2 start.
"I foresee being called into Mark Davis' office at some point before the season ends," Antonio Pierce said. "You may have heard that Mark has a bust of himself in his spacious office. I can confirm that, although said bust looks like a cinder block. Thus, a highly accurate representation of Mark.
"But people are saying we really need to turn things around. Like, when I enter the building, someone needs to turn me around and tell me to walk out of the building."
The Broncos outclassed the visiting Falcons 38-6, led by Bo Nix, who passed for 307 yards and 4 touchdowns.
"I think the Falcons had trouble playing in the altitude," Sean Payton said. "And they sucked more than just wind."
Denver wins, 24-19.
San Francisco @ Green Bay (-1½)
The 49ers lost 20-17 to the visiting Seahawks, who got a late rushing TD from Geno Smith to seal the win.
"That's another late lead that we were unable to hold on to," Kyle Shanahan said. "Is anyone surprised? If I can blow leads in the Super Bowl, why shouldn't I be able to do it in the regular season?"
Jordan Love's 1-yard TD plunge gave the Packers a late 20-19 lead over the Bears, and Green Bay blocked Cairo Santos' 46-yard field goal attempt to preserve the win. The Packers are 7-3, two games behind the 9-1 Lions in the NFC North.
"It wasn't pretty," Matt Lefleur said. "I'm talking, of course, of the Bears' offense."
49ers win, 24-22.
Arizona @ Seattle (+1)
Geno Smith's 13-yard rushing touchdown with 12 seconds left gave the Seahawks a 20-17 upset over the 49ers at Levi's Stadium. The win put Seattle at 5-5, tied with the Rams and 49ers for second in the NFC West, a game behind the Cardinals.
"This division is going down to the wire," Smith said. "I can guarantee that the NFC West champion won't be crowned until the last play of the last week of the season. I can also guarantee that the division champ will be the only West team that makes the playoffs."
Cardinals win, 30-28.
Philadelphia @ L.A. Rams (+3)
Saquon Barkley rushed for 146 yards and 2 touchdowns, both in the second half, as the Eagles pulled away from the Commanders for a 26-18 win on Thursday night.
"The 'Tush Push' is the most unstoppable play in the NFL," Nick Sirianni said. "Our opponents really hate to see us in the formation. You know who hates it more? Saquon.
"It's really going to be a thrill for me to coach our team in Los Angeles. This may be a first for me. Not coaching in L.A., but arguing with Eagles fans in L.A."
Matthew Stafford lit up the Patriots for 295 yards through the air and four touchdowns as the Rams beat New England 28-22 at Gillette Stadium. Los Angeles is 5-5, just a game behind the Cardinals, who lead the NFC West at 6-4.
"You've probably heard about 'The Greatest Show on Turf,'" Sean McVay said. "Not to be confused with 'The Greatest Show on Grass,' which was the great Ricky Williams of the Dolphins."
Eagles win, 28-21.
Baltimore @ L.A. Chargers (+3)
Baltimore's late 2-point conversion to tie the game was unsuccessful, and the Ravens suffered a 18-16 loss to the Steelers in Pittsburgh.
"That's going to be a tough one to swallow," John Harbaugh said. "But we'll just have to eat it. And it sucks.
"I'm looking forward to matching wits with my brother Jim. I guess it's not really 'matching' wits, because I have way more than him, so matching his is impossible for me.
"But it will be fun for me to look across the field and see Jim on the other side. And it will be fun for him to look across the field and see someone that he recognizes and I don't recognize standing on my sideline."
J.K. Dobbins' 29-yard touchdown run with 18 seconds left in the game gave the Chargers a 34-27 win over the Bengals at SoFi Stadium on Sunday night. Los Angeles is 7-3, two games behind the Chiefs in the AFC West.
"The Bengals may be the best 4-7 team in the NFL," Jim Harbaugh said. "That's not saying much, because the Saints are the only other 4-7 team in the league. And they suck slightly more than the Bengals.
"Defensively, we have to control Baltimore's 'two-headed monster' of Lamar Jackson and Derrick Henry. I'm known in NCAA rules and regulations circles as a 'one-headed monster.'"
Chargers win, 21-19.
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