Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Washington @ Philadelphia (-3)
The Eagles smashed the Cowboys 34-6 at AT&T Stadium. Jalen Hurts passed for 2 scores and rushed for 2 others, while the Philly defense forced 5 turnovers.
"Let's face it," Hurts said, "Jerry Jones is paying good money for a team of amateurs. But it's unusual because these are all males. And not at all talented.
"I feel like my relationship with Nick Sirianni has improved drastically over the last few weeks. That's because he's left me the 'F' alone. I think Nick now needs to work on repairing his relationship with Eagles fans. For what it's worth, I don't think it could get worse. That is, unless Nick consecutively punched out Griddy and the Phillie Phanatic."
The Commanders lost 28-27, dropping a game for only the third time this season. Washington had a 24-14 lead in the third quarter, but couldn't close the deal.
"The Steelers did a great job of making Jayden Daniels uncomfortable," Dan Quinn said. "Much like the Bears offensive coaching staff does with Caleb Williams.
"I think my team has really bought in to my philosophy. I'm a player's coach. By that, I mean I wear my baseball cap backwards, like a bro. Little known fact: I also wear my underwear backwards, but only when I wear it."
Eagles win, 34-30.
Green Bay @ Chicago (+6½)
The visiting Patriots overwhelmed the Bears 19-3 at Soldier Field. Caleb Williams completed only 16-of-30 passes for 120 yards as Chicago lost its third straight.
"I think Bears fans are unsure of how they feel about Caleb," Matt Eberflus said. "He falls somewhere between being endeared as much as Jim McMahon and being hated as much as Jay Cutler. And it appears he may be the third best quarterback of the bunch.
"I fired offensive coordinator Shane Waldron on Tuesday. A lot of people think this team is as dysfunctional as the Dallas Cowboys. We're not quite that bad, but like the Cowboys, this franchise hasn't won a Super Bowl in decades. And, like the Cowboys, it feels like it will be decades before we win another."
The Packers had a Week 10 bye and hope to have a healthy Jordan Love to face the Bears.
"Jordan has battled injuries all season," Matt Lefleur said. "His most impressive quality may be his pain tolerance. I don't think he's concerned with his own welfare, or that of any people from whom he may be stealing it, for that matter. If I didn't know better, I'd say Jordan could be hopped up on Vicodin."
Packers win, 24-16.
Jacksonville @ Detroit (-13)
The Lions overcame a terrible first half, and five Jared Goff interceptions, to turn back the Texans 26-23 in Houston on Sunday night. Jake Bates' 52-yard field goal as time expired secured Detroit's win.
"Jared wasn't at his best," Dan Campbell said. "In fact, he was at his worst. He played like the guy that the Rams couldn't wait to trade away.
"Jameson Williams was back in the lineup and gave us a spark. But don't think the NFL isn't keeping a keen eye on him. He's been subject to drug tests daily, sometimes twice daily. So much, in fact, that he's become known as the 'Detroit Pissed Tons.'"
The struggling Jaguars lost 12-7 at home to the Viking despite a strong defensive effort. Jacksonville intercepted Sam Darnold 3 times, but Mac Jones had 3 turnovers of his own at quarterback for the Jags.
"Trevor Lawrence missed the game with a left shoulder injury," Doug Pederson said. "So Mac started for us. So, you could say we were doomed from the 'start.'
"We're 2-8, which puts us dead last in the AFC South, and me dead ass of losing my job at some point this season. By 'at some point,' I mean the Monday after our next loss."
Lions win, 30-14.
Minnesota @ Tennessee (+5)
The Titans lost 27-17 to the Chargers at SoFi Stadium, and fell to 2-7. Will Levis threw 2 touchdown passes, but was sacked 7 times.
"With Will," Brian Callahan said, "you take the good with the bad. Your threshold for the bad just has to be much, much larger.
"I think the jury is still out in regards to my performance as coach this season. But I don't think anyone can argue that I'm doing a 'sloppy Callahan-job' this season."
The Vikings didn't find the end zone, but a dominant defense and four John Parker Romo field goals power Minnesota to their seventh win of the year.
"That's right," Kevin O'Connell said. "His name is, in fact, John Parker Romo. With a name like that, you're probably as surprised as I am that he's an NFL kicker, and just as surprised as I am that he's not a hog farmer from Arkansas. JPR is actually from Georgia, and not surprisingly, was born with dirt under his fingernails."
Vikings win, 24-14.
Las Vegas @ Miami (-7)
The Raiders return from a Week 10 bye with changes about. After Week 9's 41-24 loss to the Bengals, Antonio Pierce fired offensive coordinator Luke Getsy, offensive line coach James Cregg, and quarterbacks coach Rich Scangarello.
"What can I say?" Pierce said. "When you start 2-7, 'heads will roll.' When Mark Davis goes to his barber for a cut, 'heads will bowl.'
"I also promoted offensive assistant Scott Turner to offensive coordinator. In a totally unrelated move, I hired Scott's father Norv to serve as an offensive adviser. Honestly, I didn't even know Norv was Scott's dad. And I didn't even know Scott was on my staff."
Dolphins win, 23-20.
L.A. Rams @ New England (+5½)
The Patriots overwhelmed the Bears 19-3 at Soldier Field. Drake Maye passed for 184 yards and a touchdown, and New England rushed for 144 yards as a team.
"Drake has proven that he is the leader this team has been looking for," Jerod Mayo said. "The door was open for him to be the quarterback this franchise has been looking for, and Drake walked right through it. We'll see if Drake can keep walking through doors and avoid any 'gates' that might appear, because they seem to be pretty prevalent in New England."
The Rams couldn't find the end zone in a 23-15 home loss to the Dolphins on Monday night.
"This is a rematch of the most boring Super Bowl in history," Sean McVay said, "a 13-3 Patriots win in Super Bowl LIII. Hopefully this time, we can double, maybe even triple, the amount of excitement and/or points."
Rams win, 22-18.
Indianapolis @ NY Jets (-3½)
Joe Flacco had 4 turnovers and the Colts couldn't recover in a 30-20 home loss to the Bills. Indy dropped to 4-6, just two games behind the Texans in the AFC South.
"I wish Joe could be more like Peyton Manning," Shane Steichen said, "and was currently not playing football in the NFL.
"That being said, I've named Anthony Richardson the starter against the Jets, even after naming Joe the starter earlier in the week. You might call that a 'flip flop.' You might call my coaching this season simply a 'flop.'"
The Jets suffered arguably their worst loss of the year, a 31-6 shellacking by the Cardinals at State Farm Stadium.
"I've been witness to some pretty bad performances by my teams in my career," Rodgers said. "They've either been regular season games with the Jets this season, or playoff games in all but one season with the Packers."
Jets win, 23-17.
Cleveland @ New Orleans (-1)
The Browns had a Week 10 bye and are 2-7, last in the AFC North.
"We're about three weeks removed from Deshaun Watson having surgery to repair his ruptured Achilles injury," Kevin Stefanski said. "And it's going to be awhile before he's back in a Browns uniform. So, for the time being, it's civilian clothes for Deshaun. Of course, Deshaun calls civilian clothes a 'civil suit.'"
The Saints beat the visiting Falcons 20-17 at Caesars Superdome in Darren Rizzi's first game as interim head coach. Derek Carr passed for 269 yards and 2 touchdowns, both to Marques Valdez-Scantling.
"First," Rizzi said, "let me give a shoutout to Dennis Allen. Without him, I wouldn't be here. I'd still be the special teams coordinator for a crappy team. Now, I'm the head coach of a crappy team.
"MVS was a great free agent acquisition for us. And his two touchdowns means he won't have another TD for the rest of the season."
Cleveland wins, 24-21.
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (+3)
The Ravens bounced back from a shaky half to beat the visiting Bengals 35-34 on Thursday night. Lamar Jackson countered huge games from Joe Burrow and Ja'Marr Chase with 290 yards passing and 4 touchdowns.
"Lamar is clearly the front-runner for Most Valuable Player," John Harbaugh said. "I heard Lamar had a pretty substantial trophy case built for himself, even though he really doesn't have anything that substantial to put in it.
"When they're playing well, our offense is good enough to score at will. And pretty much required to, considering our defense. They gave up 470 yards to the Bengals. It's too bad Edgar Allan Poe is no longer with us; otherwise, I'd invite him for a pre-game pep talk to our defense, where he would urge them 'Nevermore.'"
Russell Wilson tossed 3 touchdown passes, including the game-winning score to Mike Williams with 2:22 left in the game, to lead the Steelers to a 28-27 win over the Commanders in D.C.
"Mike was a late trade acquisition," Mike Tomlin said. "Let me tell you, we didn't give up much to get him from the Jets. And we got a receiver who's still one of the fastest in the league. And not just speed on the field. You should have seen how quickly Mike packed his bags when he found out he was leaving the Jets."
Steelers win, 27-25.
Atlanta @ Denver (-1½)
The Falcons lost 20-17 to the Saints in New Orleans despite outgaining the Saints 468 yards to 365.
"We left a lot of points on the field," Raheem Morris said, "in lieu of putting them on the scoreboard. Luckily, we still have a 2-game lead in the NFC South.
"It will really be a challenge facing a Sean Payton team in Denver. When you combine Payton's attitude with Denver's altitude, you find it's hard to find your breath and even more difficult to find the truth."
The Broncos lost a heartbreaker to the Chiefs in Kansas City. Will Lutz's potential game-winning 35-yard field goal was blocked, preserving K.C.'s 16-14 win. Denver fell to 5-5, 4½ games behind the Chiefs in the AFC West.
"Despite the loss," Sean Payton said, "we're still in good shape. If the regular season ended today, we'd be in the playoffs. Then our season would end a week later."
Broncos win, 23-19.
Seattle @ San Francisco (-6½)
The 49ers beat the Buccaneers 23-20 at Raymond James Stadium in Christian McCaffrey's return to the lineup. Jake Moody, who had missed three previous field goal attempts, booted a 44-yard FG to win the game on the last play of regulation.
"Jake's faced his share of adversity," Kyle Shanahan said. "All of it coming from Deebo Samuel."
49ers win, 26-23.
Kansas City @ Buffalo (-2½)
The Chiefs remained undefeated by the slimmest of margins, blocking Will Lutz's 35-yard field goal attempt as time expired to preserve a 16-14 win. Kansas City is 9-0, three games ahead of the Chargers in the AFC West.
"This team always finds ways to win," Andy Reid said. "You can call it 'pulling it out of our ass,' and that's valid, because we apparently have one cavernous ass, because it holds a lot.
"This could very well be a preview of a massive playoff game come January. And if you want a preview of who the winner of that game will be, I can give you that with almost 100% certainty."
The Bills beat the Colts 30-20 at Lucas Oil Stadium. Buffalo forced 4 Joe Flacco turnovers, while Josh Allen and James Cook added rushing scores.
"I'm not sure if it was a case of our defense 'forcing' 4 Flacco turnovers," Sean McDermott said. "I think it was more of a case of our defense just happened to be there."
Chiefs win, 24-21.
Cincinnati @ L.A. Chargers (-1)
Joe Burrow threw 4 touchdown passes, including three to Ja'Marr Chase, but it wasn't enough as the Bengals lost 35-34 to Lamar Jackson and the Ravens on Thursday night in Baltimore.
"'Enough!' is also what I say every week to our defense," Burrow said. "Usually, I say it early in the third quarter, which is often the time they've given up so many points that the offense can't keep up."
The Chargers beat the visiting Titans 27-17 at SoFi Stadium. Justin Herbert threw 1 TD pass and added a rushing score.
"We know Joe Burrow is very adept at finding his receivers," Jim Harbaugh said. "It's no secret what the Bengals game plan is. Even if it was a secret, I'd still know what it was."
Chargers win, 26-24.
Houston @ Dallas (+2)
The Cowboys lost 34-6 at home to the Eagles, who forced 5 Dallas turnovers. The Cowboys managed only 146 total yards, their worst offensive showing in AT&T Stadium since it opened in 2009.
"It's a pretty dark time for this team," Mike McCarthy said. "But even in the darkest of times, there is light, probably shining in from the west end of AT&T Stadium.
"I know all the talk here is whether or not I'll be back as head coach next year. My contract expires at the end of this season, and likely so does my welcome in Dallas."
The Texans blew a 23-7 first half lead and lost 26-23 to the visiting Lions on Sunday night. Houston is 6-4, still two games ahead of the Colts in the AFC South.
"It's a night game in Dallas," C.J. Stroud said, "so the Cowboys don't have to worry about sunshine. So, we're gonna make sure it's lights out for them."
Texans win, 31-17.
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