Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Cincinnati @ Baltimore (-6)
The Ravens rebounded from their loss to Cleveland with a convincing 41-10 win over the visiting Broncos. Lamar Jackson battled through back and knee injuries to lead Baltimore, with 280 yards passing and 3 TD passes.
"Lamar is again playing at an MVP level," John Harbaugh said. "He's collecting MVP trophies like he collects devastating playoff losses.
"You probably heard that Lamar had a perfect passer rating of 158.3. That was his fourth such game, which tied him with Ben Roethlisberger for most in NFL history. Many would say that Lamar is in good company. Many young women would say that Big Ben is not good company."
The Bengals beat the Raiders 31-17 to improve to 4-5. Joe Burrow passed for 5 touchdowns as Cincy improved to 4-5.
"You probably saw me with a sour look on my face after the game," Burrow said, "despite winning by 2 touchdowns. I call that my 'resting bitch face.' But whenever I want to turn my frown upside down, I just think about the Ravens defense."
Ravens win, 26-24.
NY Giants @ Carolina (+4½)
The Giants lost 27-23 to the Commanders in Washington, despite a strong game from Daniel Jones, who passed for 2 scores and rushed for another.
"That may have been Daniel's best game as a Giant," Brian Daboll said. "And that's really exciting. But what would be even more exciting is knowing when Daniel's last game as a Giant is.
"It's Daniel Jones vs. Bryce Young. They're calling this one 'Vanilla Bryce versus Danny Dimes.' It's not a rap battle; it's a crap battle."
The Panthers upset the visiting Saints, 23-22, led by Chubba Hubbard, who rushed for 72 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"This game is taking place in Munich, Germany," Dave Canales said. "And it's a battle between two 2-7 teams. With this being Germany, I'm guessing the loser of this game will be declared the 'wurst.'"
Giants win, 23-20.
New England @ Chicago (-7)
The Bears sputtered on offense, managing just three field goals, in a 29-9 loss to the Cardinals at State Farm Stadium. Caleb Williams was sacked 6 times, as Chicago fell to 4-4, 0-4 on the road.
"I need to be better as a coach," Matt Eberflus said. "Artificial intelligence would delete unnecessary verbiage and summarize that sentence as 'Need a better coach.'
"The 1985 Bears famously waxed the Patriots 46-10 in Super Bowl XX. Could that score be repeated on Sunday? I doubt it. There's no way we can score 46 points, and no way the Pats can score 10 on us."
The Patriots lost 20-17 in overtime to the Titans at Nissan Stadium. Drake Maye's TD pass on the last play of regulation sent the game into overtime, but the Pats couldn't score after a Titans field goal.
"Drake has shown what it takes to be an NFL quarterback," Jerod Mayo said. "He has the arm, the legs, the athleticism, the intelligence, the intangibles, CTE. I'm sorry, what I meant to say there was 'etc.'"
Bears win, 22-17.
Buffalo @ Indianapolis (+4½)
Tyler Bass kicked a 61-yard field goal as time expired to give the Bills a 30-27 win over the visiting Dolphins. Josh Allen passed for 3 touchdowns, as Buffalo solidified their lead in the AFC East.
"We've got all the confidence in the world in Tyler from that distance," Sean McDermott said, "in the regular season."
The Colts offense couldn't find the end zone in a 21-13 loss to the Vikings on Sunday night. Joe Flacco completed just 16-of-27 passes for 179 yards and had 2 turnovers.
"There are a lot of mixed signals here," Shane Steichen said. "One week after discouraging our quarterback from taking himself out of the game, I felt like I should have encouraged our quarterback to take himself out of the game."
Bills win, 24-21.
Denver @ Kansas City (-9½)
Kareem Hunt's two-yard TD plunge in overtime gave the Chiefs a 30-24 win over the visiting Bucs. Patrick Mahomes threw 3 TD passes, including 2 to DeAndre Hopkins. Kansas City remained undefeated and has a three-game lead over the 5-3 Chargers.
"DeAndre gives this offense a new dimension," Mahomes said. "He's thrilled to be here, and why wouldn't he be? He could win a Super Bowl with us. There's a lot of players that 'WannaBeAndre Hopkins,' but as John Cena might say, 'You can't 'SeeAndre Hopkins.'"
The Broncos fell 41-10 to the Ravens at M&T Bank Stadium. Baltimore had no problem moving the ball against the Denver defense, and the Broncos offense could not keep up.
"We just got our asses handed to us," Sean Payton said. "I can't accuse the Ravens of running up the score, because that would make me a hypocrite. Correction, that would confirm that I'm a hypocrite.
"The Chiefs are undefeated. So it should be pretty easy to motivate my team. I'll just tell them the Chiefs have a target on their backs, or better yet, their fronts. Or even better, their heads. Ideally, if I could adhere a $10,000 check to Mahomes' helmet, I'm sure even the dumbest of my players would get the hint."
Chiefs win, 27-23.
Atlanta @ New Orleans (+3)
The Saints lost their seventh straight game, falling 23-22 to the Panthers in Charlotte. On Monday, the Saints fired head coach Dennis Allen.
"I don't think anyone was surprised by this," Derek Carr said. "In fact, Dennis already had his office cleared out. To be clear, someone else did it for him.
"But we're going to rally around Darren Rizzi. It's for sure the first time in history a team has been urged to 'rally around a special teams coordinator.' He may be the only thing about this team one would consider 'special.'"
The Falcons beat the Cowboys 27-21 at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Kirk Cousins passed for 222 yards and 3 touchdowns, as Atlanta improved to 6-3.
"That Dallas defense is something else," Cousins said. "Something else other than a legitimate NFL defense.
"But no one wants to revel in the misery of another, unless it's Jerry Jones. If it's sympathy Jerry's looking for, he's probably not going to find it, because Jerry doesn't know how to find much of anything, like free agents that can help your team."
Saints win, 22-21.
San Francisco @ Tampa Bay (+6½)
The Bucs lost 30-24 in overtime to the Chiefs in rainy Kansas City on Monday night.
"Maybe we should have gone for the two-point conversion and the win," Todd Bowles said, "after we scored late in regulation. But you know me; I'm not a risk taker. I don't just play things close to the vest; I play them in the vest."
49ers win, 27-24.
Pittsburgh @ Washington (-2½)
The Commanders beat the Giants 27-22 in MetLife Stadium to improve to 7-2. Jayden Daniels tossed two touchdown passes, both to Terry McLaurin, and Washington rushed for 149 yards as a team.
"Just because we didn't need a 'Hail Mary' to win," Dan Quinn said, "doesn't mean I can't say 'Hail Mary.' In fact, I said it three times to start my day, because there's no way I didn't luck into this situation with Jayden without the help of some greater being. And I figure I should thank that being every day.
"And speaking of 'Hail Mary,' I'm guessing by this time next year, if Jayden throws a miraculous, last-second, game-winning touchdown pass, it will be required, by law, to be called a 'Heil' Mary."
The Steelers return from a bye week with a record of 6-2, a half-game ahead of the 6-3 Ravens in the AFC North.
"The AFC North is wide open," Mike Tomlin said. "Which means Justin Fields probably couldn't complete a pass to the AFC North.
"We've seen this story before. People underestimate us in the regular season, only to find out in the playoffs that they were right about us."
Washington wins, 24-22.
Minnesota @ Jacksonville (+4)
The Vikings beat the Colts 21-13 at US Bank Stadium on Sunday night. Sam Darnold passed for 3 touchdowns as Minnesota snapped a two-game skid.
"I think the unsung hero of the game was Justin Jefferson," Darnold said. "He didn't have any TDs, but he opened things up for three other guys to score. Justin is not only the best receiver in the NFL, but he also has the best grill in the NFL. I heard that it's worth about $250,000. That even impressed Randy Moss. I'm sure he would tell Justin 'You Got Most!'
The Jaguars lost 28-23 at Philadelphia. Trevor Lawrence had 2 rushing scores, but threw 2 interceptions, including one in the end zone late in the fourth to seal Philly's win.
"Trevor has developed some bad habits," Doug Pederson said. "To say Trevor 'needs a fix' would be an understatement, and certainly not the first time someone in Jacksonville has said 'I need a fix.'
"We're 2-7. That's well within striking distance — of the No. 1 pick in the 2025 NFL Draft."
Vikings win, 30-20.
Tennessee @ L.A. Chargers (-7½)
The Chargers manhandled the Browns 27-10 in the Dawg Pound. Justin Herbert threw 2 TD passes and J.K. Dobbins had 2 rushing scores.
"We're 5-3," Jim Harbaugh said. "Sure, that's three games behind the Chiefs in the AFC West, but I still think we can catch them. Will it be a challenge? Absolutely. People who know me know I've never backed down from a challenge. Heck, just the other day, someone challenged me to wear something other than khaki slacks. I accepted that challenge, and wore khaki shorts."
The Titans beat the visiting Patriots 20-17, snapping Tennessee's 3-game losing streak.
"It feels good to snap a three-game losing streak," Brian Callahan said. "But not when you do it every fourth game.
"Mason Rudolph is getting the job done at quarterback. He's getting Calvin Ridley heavily involved in the offense. When Will Levis was starting at QB, Calvin was known as 'Calvin Didley.'"
Chargers win, 26-14.
Philadelphia @ Dallas (+6½)
The Cowboys' miseries continued with a 27-21 loss to the Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. To add insult to injury, Dak Prescott left the game in the fourth quarter with a hamstring injury, and CeeDee Lamb was slowed by a shoulder injury.
"This is really upsetting Jerry Jones," Mike McCarthy said. "He's tearing his hair out, not necessarily because he's upset, but probably to be used as DNA samples in his many paternity suits.
"Many Cowboys fans are saying we need to try something different, like a different coach, and/or a different owner."
The Eagles beat the Jaguars 28-23 in Doug Pederson's return to Philadelphia. Jalen Hurts had 3 total touchdowns, and Saquon Barkley had 199 total yards and 2 touchdowns.
"This team has Super Bowl-talent," Hurts said, "and a coach determined to derail it with some of the dumbest decisions ever witnessed in this league. I think it's called 'Nick Sirianni-lytics,' and it mandates going for it every time on fourth down, and attempting 2-point conversions after every touchdown, and being hated by an entire city."
Eagles win, 28-24.
NY Jets @ Arizona (-1½)
The Jets beat the visiting Texans 21-13 on Thursday night at MetLife Stadium. Aaron Rodgers passed for 3 touchdowns, 2 to Garrett Wilson and 1 to Davante Adams.
"Garrett made some unbelievable one-handed catches," Rodgers said. "And speaking of 'one hand,' that's still all you need to count our wins.
"I've looked at our remaining schedule, done my own research, and determined that we can win all of our remaining games. That's assuming I keep drinking this cayenne pepper and water concoction. It's three parts water, one part cayenne pepper, and zero parts any credibility."
Arizona wins, 26-21.
Detroit @ Houston (+4)
The Texans offense struggled in a 21-13 loss to the Jets at MetLife Stadium on Thursday night. C.J. Stroud was sacked 8 times and completed only 11-of-30 passes.
"We've got to be better for CJ," DeMeco Ryans said. "There was no escape, from both the Jets defensive line, and his own offensive line."
The Lions asserted their physicality in a 24-14 win over the Packers at Lambeau Field. It was Detroit's first outdoor game of the year, and at 7-1 they have a 2-game lead over the Vikings in the NFC North.
"We can win anywhere," Dan Campbell said. "Indoors, outdoors, in the rain, in the snow, at your place, at our place, anywhere, anytime. Except maybe a neutral site in February."
Lions win, 24-22.
Miami @ L.A. Rams (-1½)
Matthew Stafford's 39-yard TD pass to Demarcus Robinson in overtime gave the Rams a 26-20 overtime win over the Seahawks at Lumen Field. The 4-4 Rams are just a half game out of first in the NFC West.
"Demarcus was wide open," Sean McVay said. "Some of our receivers like to beat their man, while others prefer to punch their man."
Miami wins, 24-21.
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