Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Houston @ NY Jets (-1)
The Jets season fell further into the depths with a 25-22 loss to the Patriots at Gillette Stadium. It was New York's fifth-straight loss and left them tied with the Pats at the bottom of the AFC East.
"Interim head coach Jeff Ulbrich said this team is in a 'moment of darkness,'" Aaron Rodgers said. "I can only respond to that by saying 'I am the light,' because I obviously have a God complex.
"To the people still delusional enough to call themselves Jets fans, I can just say 'R-E-L-A-X.' And I'm available to spell other words for them, because they have to be dumb."
The Texans beat the Colts 23-20 to improve to 6-2. C.J. Stroud passed for 285 yards and a touchdown, and Joe Mixon rushed for 102 and a score.
"Everybody knows the Jets were supposed to be Super Bowl contenders," Stroud said. "If you bought stock in the Jets at the beginning of the season, then you're probably broke. If you happened to invest in laughing stock, then you're likely rich.
"If you consider what the Jets are paying Rodgers, and the Giants are paying Daniel Jones, they might as well call this stadium 'Debt Life Stadium.'"
Texans win, 19-17.
Dallas @ Atlanta (-2½)
The Cowboys' fourth quarter comeback came up short, and Dallas left Levi's Stadium with a 30-24 loss to the 49ers. Dak Prescott and CeeDee Lamb hooked up for 2 TDs in the final quarter and the Cowboys dropped to 3-4.
"We spent a lot of money to make sure Dak and CeeDee remained Cowboys for a long time," Jerry Jones said. "And I think we've succeeded, because those two are going to be members of losing Cowboys team for years to come.
"On an entirely unrelated note: if Deion Sanders had a daughter, and she grew up to be a physically-gifted warrior and hunter, would she be known as 'Amazon Prime?'"
Kirk Cousins passed for 276 yards and 4 touchdowns as the Falcons beat the Bucs 31-26 and took control of the NFC South.
"In two games against the Bucs," Raheem Morris said, "Kirk has passed for 785 yards and 8 touchdowns. His detractors would say that in five playoff games, Kirk has never played the Bucs."
Falcons win, 34-31.
Miami @ Buffalo (-6½)
The Bills blasted the Seahawks 31-10 in Seattle to improve to 6-2. Josh Allen had 2 TD passes, and James Cook rushed for 111 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"I think you can put us on the short list of Super Bowl favorites," Sean McDermott said. "And that segues nicely into what would potentially be another in the long list of Buffalo Super Bowl failures."
Bills win, 29-27.
Las Vegas @ Cincinnati (-7½)
The Raiders fell to 2-6 with a 27-20 home loss to the Chiefs. Gardner Minshew passed for 209 yards and 2 touchdowns, but the Vegas running game was virtually non-existent.
"We ran the ball 21 times," Antonio Pierce said, "and gained 33 yards. That tells me two things. One, we averaged 1.5 yards a carry. And two, we ran the ball 21 times too much.
"Mark Davis publicly stated that we're not trading Maxx Crosby. I think that's great. Great that we're keeping Maxx, and great that Mark Davis, despite being a hideous monster, is still comfortable enough to appear in public."
The Bengals' shaky defense gave up four Jalen Hurts touchdowns in a 37-17 loss to the visiting Eagles. Cincy dropped to 3-5 and 0-4 at home.
"So much for home-field advantage," Joe Burrow said. "I guess you would call that a very, very, warm welcome to the Jungle. This Jungle is about as threatening as a jungle gym. If there's a king of this jungle, he's probably wearing a dunce cap. And that brings me to Zac Taylor, who wears a cap and is a dunce."
Bengals win, 26-20.
L.A. Chargers @ Cleveland (+2)
Jameis Winston passed for 334 yards and 3 touchdowns as the inspired Browns beat the Ravens 29-24 in the Dawg Pound.
"I thought Jameis played inspired football," Kevin Stefanski said. "He has a lot of great qualities. But let's be honest, he's no Deshaun Watson. And that may be his best quality.
"I don't condone fans cheering an injury of their quarterback. But I'm okay with them secretly wishing for it and not vocalizing it."
The Chargers beat the visiting Saints 26-8 at SoFi Stadium with a dominant defensive effort. Justin Herbert had 2 touchdown passes to Ladd McConkey, and the Chargers defense kept the Saints out of the endzone.
"To be clear," Jim Harbaugh said, "I think their offense kept the Saints out of the end zone.
"I was really pleased with our effort. We really showed up ready to play. My motto is 'Always be ready....to vigorously defend yourself against cheating allegations, no matter the quantity.' My second motto is 'Always dress for the game as you would dress for a late lunch at Olive Garden, or the funeral of a high school classmate you haven't seen in 20 years."
Browns win, 24-20.
New England @ Tennessee (-3)
The Lions annihilated the Titans 52-14 at Ford Field, and Tennessee fell to 1-6.
"We traded DeAndre Hopkins to the Chiefs last week," Brian Callahan said. "It was widely received as a steal for KC. We received a conditional fifth-round pick, which could become a fourth-rounder. There's a lot we can do with a fourth or fifth-round pick, like select a quarterback that's way better than Will Levis.
"But I don't really think we're a threat to make the playoffs, obviously. And, to be honest, you can't spell 'tank' without 'TN.'"
Jacoby Brissette replaced the injured Drake Maye, and led the Patriots on a drive that culminated in the game-winning TD that vanquished Aaron Rodgers and the visiting Jets, 25-22.
"I guess my guys aren't soft," Jerod Mayo said. "Well, maybe they are, but that would make the Jets 'flaccidly soft.' I don't think anyone believes the Jets can get it up. By 'it,' I mean their win total."
Titans win, 18-16.
Indianapolis @ Minnesota (-4½)
The Vikings lost 30-20 to the Rams at SoFi Stadium on Thursday night. Minnesota's last-ditch effort to tie ended when Sam Darnold was sacked for a safety, although officials missed a blatant facemask on the play.
"And speaking of blind,'" Kevin O'Connell said. "I'm blind with rage. I know that's hard to believe because my face usually says 'I'm mildly delighted,' but that's a penalty that just can't be missed."
The Colts lost 23-20 to the Texans in Houston and fell to 3-5. Anthony Richardson was sacked 5 times and had 2 turnovers, and completed only 10-of-32 passes for 175 yards.
"To say Anthony is an accurate passer would be highly inaccurate," Shane Steichen said. "And he is very much that — highly inaccurate. Anthony lacks the fundamentals to be a good football player. His basketball fundamentals, however, are great. He throws a great 'bounce pass.'"
Vikings win, 27-24.
Washington @ NY Giants (+3½)
The Giants lost 26-18 to the Steelers in Pittsburgh on Monday night. Daniel Jones passed for 264 yards, but had 2 turnovers and was sacked 4 times.
"I don't think Daniel is our quarterback of the future," Brian Daboll said. "The team's accounts payable department has an entirely different opinion."
Jayden Daniels' 54-yard Hail Mary pass on the final play of the game landed in Noah Brown's hands in the end zone, giving the Commanders an 18-15 win over the visiting Bears.
"That may have been the greatest Hail Mary of all-time," Dan Quinn said. "I think we should call it the 'Holy Grail Mary.'"
Commanders win, 28-20.
New Orleans @ Carolina (+7)
The Panthers lost 28-14 to the Broncos at Empower Field at Mile High. Denver spotted Carolina an early touchdown and a late garbage-time Bryce Young TD pass. Otherwise, it was all Broncos.
"If you know Panthers history," Dave Canales said, "you know it was also 'all Broncos' that time Cam Newton fumbled in Super Bowl 50 and made no effort to recover it.
"I thought Bryce played pretty well. I thought he carried out the game plan fairly well, considering he was facing one of the NFL's best defenses, without two of his best receivers, with the full non-support of his coaching staff."
The Saints lost 26-8 to the Chargers at SoFi Stadium. New Orleans is 2-6, three games behind the 5-3 Falcons in the NFC South.
"Since starting the season 2-0," Dennis Allen said, "we've pretty much been in free-fall. I could have a 'free fall' if I get fired soon, which would really open up my autumn schedule."
Saints win, 21-17.
Denver @ Baltimore (-9)
Bo Nix passed for 284 yards and 3 touchdowns to lead the Broncos to a 28-14 win over the visiting Panthers. Denver is 5-3, second in the AFC West.
"No," Sean Payton said, "we weren't trying to run up the score. But who are you gonna believe? Me lying, or your eyes?"
Ravens win, 27-22.
Chicago @ Arizona (+1)
Jayden Daniels' Hail Mary TD pass to Noah Brown stunned the Bears, who left Washington with an 18-15 loss.
"There were failures all around on that play," Matt Eberflus said. "For one, we had a player, Tyrique Stevenson, who was taunting Commanders' fans before and during that final play. And he was the one that tipped the ball instead of knocking it down. I'm pretty sure that won't happen again. If we're ever in a situation defending another Hail Mary, Tyrique's job will be to exclusively taunt the fans and stay entirely out of the play."
Chad Ryland's 34-yard field goal as time expired gave the visiting Cardinals a 28-27 win over the Dolphins at Hard Rock Stadium. Arizona improved to 4-4 and is tied for first in the NFC West.
"The West is really up for grabs," Jonathan Gannon said. "And I honestly think we can finish first in the division, if the standings are arranged alphabetically."
Bears win, 24-21.
Detroit @ Green Bay (-1½)
The Packers beat the Jaguars 30-27 in Jacksonville. Jordan Love left the game in the third quarter with a groin injury. Backup quarterback Malik Willis led the Packers on a drive that led to Brandon McManus' game-winning field goal.
"Robert Saleh has joined our coaching staff in what we're calling a 'fluid' role," Matt Lafleur said. "Robert has a defensive mind, but he's working with our offense, with the express purpose of making sure we don't do anything like the Jets."
The Lions crushed the visiting Titans 52-14 at Ford Field. Jahmyr Gibbs rushed for 127 yards and a touchdown, and Jared Goff passed for 3 TDs.
"And we did it all without Jameson Williams," Dan Campbell said. "I think we've proved we can win with him and without him. To be clear, even when he's not suspended and on the field, it's often still like we we're without him."
Lions win, 27-23.
L.A. Rams @ Seattle (+1)
Matthew Stafford passed for 4 touchdowns and the Rams beat the Vikings 30-20 on Thursday night. Los Angeles is 3-4, just a ½-game out of the lead in the NFC West.
"We got Cooper Kupp and Puca Nacua back at the same time," Sean McVay said. "It was like an early Christmas present for Matthew Stafford. There was a time in Matthew's career when all he wanted for Christmas was a few new vertebrae, or a new elbow, or a razor that actually works."
Seahawks win, 26-24.
Jacksonville @ Philadelphia (-7)
The Jaguars fell to 2-6 with a 30-27 loss to the Packers.
"I'm making my return to Philly," Doug Pederson said, "as the only head coach to lead the Eagles to a Super Bowl. And one of many Eagles coaches not to engage in shouting matches with his own fans. We hope to neutralize the Philly home-field advantage, even more than Nick Sirianni does."
Eagles win, 24-20.
Tampa Bay @ Kansas City (-8½)
The Chiefs beat the Raiders 27-20 in Las Vegas, avenging their last loss, which was a 20-14 loss at the hands of the Raiders on Christmas last year.
"It's always tough playing in front of Raiders fans," Patrick Mahomes said. "They really have some foul mouths. I've been called a lot of things before, but never a 'game manager.'
"I plan on getting DeAndre Hopkins more involved in the offense. We pretty much kidnapped DeAndre, made the Titans pay a ransom, and we still got to keep him."
The Buccaneers lost 31-26 at home to the Falcons, who got 4 TD passes from Kirk Cousins. Baker Mayfield tried to keep up, and had 330 yards passing and 3 TDs, but tossed 2 interceptions.
"Kirk seems to be our kryptonite," Todd Bowles said. "Actually, any opposing quarterback seems to be our kryptonite, because we're the third-worst passing defense."
Chiefs win 31-19.
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