Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Minnesota @ L.A. Rams (+3)
A fourth-quarter comeback fell short, as the Vikings lost 31-29 at home to Detroit, as Minnesota fell from the ranks of the undefeated.
"You can't win 'em all," Kevin O'Connell said. "Unless you're the 1972 Dolphins. They went 17-0. That record may stand forever, but you know what won't stand forever? The surviving members of that team, because they're in wheelchairs.
"But we can't complain about being 5-1 in what is arguably the toughest division in the NFL. The NFC North is a combined 19-6. No other division comes close to that. Ask anyone what the best division is, and they'll say 'The North.' Ask an Frenchmen the same question, and he/she will second that and say 'Oui, the North.'"
Kyren Williams rushed for two touchdowns as the Rams beat the struggling Raiders 20-15 at SoFi Stadium. It was just the Rams second win of the year, and they are 2-4, last in the NFC West.
"We may be in last place," Sean McVay said, "but we're far from out of it. So we're going all in. And nothing says 'all in' like putting your best player on the trading block."
The blitz-happy Vikings defense forces 2 Matthew Stafford turnovers, and Minnesota wins, 27-24.
Baltimore @ Cleveland (+10)
The Ravens walloped the Bucs 41-31 in Tampa on Monday night. Lamar Jackson passed for 5 touchdowns, and Derrick Henry piled up 169 yards on the ground. Baltimore is 5-2, tied with the Steelers atop the AFC North.
"Derrick reached almost 22 miles per hour on a long run in the third quarter," John Harbaugh said. "That's about half the speed he reached running the hell out of Tennessee.
"I'm not sure anyone can stop Lamar and this offense, but I guess we'll find out for sure when we meet the Chiefs in the playoffs."
The Browns lost 21-14 to the Bengals in the Dawg Pound. A tough season for the Browns got even worse as Deshaun Watson was lost to the season with a torn right Achilles tendon.
"This may be God's way of saying 'You should start Jameis Winston," Kevin Stefanski said. "I could say definitively that God is not a Watson fan. He's not really a Jameis fan either, but it's probably one of those 'lesser of two evils' issues.
"Our fans had been calling on me to start Jameis. Some fans even printed 'Wanted' posters with Jameis' likeness on it. Jameis has appealed to these fans not to post any of those in Tallahassee, Florida."
Ravens win, 27-24.
Tennessee @ Detroit (-11)
Jake Bates' 44-yard field goal with 15 seconds left gave the Lions a 31-29 win over the Vikings at U.S. Bank Stadium in a huge NFC North showdown. Jared Goff had 2 touchdown passes and Jamyr Gibbs rushed for 116 yards and 2 TDs.
"I don't know what feels better," Dan Campbell said. "Beating the Vikings by two points, or the Cowboys by 38. That's easy ... beating the Cowboys by 38. 'That's easy' is also what we said after beating the Cowboys.
"Jameson Williams has been suspended for two games for violating the NFL's performance-enhancing substance policy. This comes a year after he was suspended four games for violating the league's gambling policy. I'll say this: the kid knows how to have a good time."
The Bills smashed the Titans 34-10 at Highmark Stadium. Tennessee couldn't stop Josh Allen and the Bills offense, and Mason Rudolph struggled to spark the Titans attack.
"To be fair," Brian Callahan said, "I'm not sure a 'spark' is exactly what a dumpster fire needs. But I don't regret starting Mason over Will Levis. Besides, Will is still dealing with a right arm issue. So, Will is either hurting, or he's hurting us."
Lions win, 31-17.
Arizona @ Miami (-3)
The Dolphins lost 16-10 to the Colts at Lucas Oil Stadium. Tyler Huntley started at quarterback and left the game in the third quarter with a shoulder injury. Tim Boyle filled in, with neither finding much success through the air.
"We appreciate the contributions made by Tyler and Tim," Mike McDaniel said. "Or, as we like to call them, 'Dink and Dunk.'
"But we're expecting Tua Tagovailoa to return to face the Cardinals. And we expect our passing game to return to prominence. Our motto going forward is 'Less sucking, more chucking.'"
The Cardinals beat the Chargers 17-15 in a Monday night game that streamed exclusively on ESPN+. Chad Ryland's 32-yard field goal as time expired gave Arizona the win.
"I think we made history," Kyler Murray said, "as being part of the least-watched NFL game of all-time.
"We're right in the thick of the NFC West race. But then again, who isn't?"
Miami wins, 30-24.
NY Jets @ New England (+7)
The Jets held a 15-6 second quarter lead, but the Steelers scored the final 31 points in a 37-15 New York loss. Davante Adams had only 3 catches for 30 yards as the Jets continued to struggle offensively.
"Is anyone surprised Davante joined me here as a Jet?" Aaron Rodgers said. "Davante has a Taco Bell in his house; he also has a bedroom in mine.
"You probably heard that I kind of blamed the media for our struggles this season. You know I just can't help myself, or my new team, apparently. I feel like there's a cabal of reporters with their scoop-searching tentacles trying to undermine this team. I'm a big advocate of 'doing your own research.' And I'm criticizing the media, ironically, for doing just that. This might be a good time for me to retreat to a sweaty teepee in the Southwest, where I can clear my mind. By 'clear my mind,' I mean get my head out of my ass."
The Patriots lost 32-16 to the Jaguars in London, despite a strong effort from rookie Drake Maye, who passed for 276 yards and 2 touchdowns. New England dropped to 1-6, last in the AFC East.
"Drake Maye aside," Jerod Mayo said, "we did not play well. I said after the game that we are a 'soft' team. I don't know if you can teach toughness. And I don't know how to make this team 'hard,' despite the advice and a specific recommendation from Robert Kraft.
"But I think we've found our quarterback of the future. Drake is really playing well. And thank God he is, because if he was struggling, there would be no end to 'lame duck' references."
Jets win, 24-13.
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay (-2½)
The visiting Seahawks overwhelmed the Falcons 34-14 to snap Atlanta's three-game winning streak. Kirk Cousins had 3 turnovers and was sacked 3 times.
"We got ourselves 'Pimp-Slapped Back Into Reality,'" Raheem Morris said, "which, despite what you may have heard, is not the name of Kirk's Christian rock band.
"I think you'll see Kirk play a lot better in Tampa. Because he can't play any worse."
Bucs win, 28-24.
Chicago @ Washington (-3½)
The Bears had a Week 7 bye and will challenge the upstart Commanders and rookie quarterback Jayden Daniels.
"We've got a rookie quarterback of our own that we're pretty proud of," Matt Eberflus said. "Caleb Williams has been impressive in his own right. Maybe Caleb isn't mentioned in the same sentence with Daniels, but he definitely gets mentioned in the next paragraph."
The Commanders improved to 5-2 with a resounding 40-7 win over the Panthers at Northwest Stadium. Jayden Daniels left the game in the first quarter with a rib injury, and Marcus Mariota filled in with 205 yards and 2 touchdown passes.
"We're not taking any chances with Jayden's health," Dan Quinn said. "I asked former bad Washington coach Jay Gruden his opinion on what I should do in the situation, and then I did the complete opposite."
Bears win, 24-21.
Green Bay @ Jacksonville (+4½)
The Jaguars dominated the Patriots 32-16 in London as the trio of Trevor Lawrence, Tank Bigsby, and Brian Thomas, Jr. starred for Jacksonville.
"That win may have saved my job," Doug Pederson said. "So although it was a big victory, it wasn't all good news for this organization."
The Packers beat the visiting Texans 24-22 at Lambeau Field, winning on Brandon McManus' 45-yard field goal as time expired. Jordan Love overcame 2 interceptions with 3 TD passes to three different receivers.
"You really can't dwell on your mistakes if you want to be a successful quarterback," Matt Lefleur said. "All quarterbacks make mistakes. Some are able to forget about them. Some wish that other people would forget about them. Some have to testify in front of Congress about them."
Packers win, 27-20.Indianapolis @ Houston (-6)
The Colts beat the visiting Dolphins 16-10 in a sloppy game at Lucas Oil Stadium. Matt Gay kicked 3 field goals, and Tyler Goodson had a TD run for Indy.
"It wasn't pretty," Shane Steichen said. "And I'm talking about any of Anthony Richardson's passes, including his completions. I only wish Anthony could see the field like Peyton Manning did. I think with time, Anthony will be able to process defenses like Manning. And, with time, maybe like 60 years, Anthony will be able to throw the ball like Manning did."
The Texans lost 24-22 to the Packers at Lambeau Field. C.J. Stroud completed only 10-of-21 passes for a career-low 86 yards.
"It was a tough day throwing the ball," DeMeco Ryans said. "If you see '86 yards' passing in the box score, you immediately say 'Well, it must have been a good day for the Titans and/or Colts quarterback.'"
Houston wins, 28-19.
New Orleans @ L.A. Chargers (-7½)
The Saints were embarrassed 33-10 to the visiting Broncos in Sean Payton's return to New Orleans. The Denver defense sacked Spencer Rattler 6 times and forced 2 Rattler fumbles.
"Sean has always been a great motivator," Dennis Allen said. "I don't know what he told his team, but I bet they would have ran through a brick wall to collect the bounty check he was offering."
Chargers win, 31-17.
Buffalo @ Seattle (+3)
The Bill hammered the Titans 34-10 at Highmark Stadium, led by Josh Allen, who passed for 323 yards and 2 touchdowns, including one to new acquisition Amari Cooper.
"I'm thrilled to have Amari as a teammate," Allen said. "He got out of Cleveland at just the right time, although I think any time you get out of Cleveland is the right time."
Bills win, 27-21.
Philadelphia @ Cincinnati (-3)
The Eagles crushed the Giants 28-3 at MetLife Stadium. Saquon Barkley rushed for 176 yards and a touchdown in his return to MetLife.
"Saquon knows how to silence a crowd," Nick Sirianni said. "But not his own."
The Bengals earned a hard-fought 21-14 win over the Browns in Cleveland. Joe Burrow passed for 2 touchdown passes, one each to Ja'Marr Chase and Tee Higgins. Cincy is 3-4, one game behind the Ravens in the AFC North.
"We've fought our way back from an 0-3 start," Burrow said. "And we're just two spots out of playoff position. And I'm confident we can make the playoffs and go on a run. If we could win the Super Bowl after starting 0-3, people will look back on that start and call it the biggest glory hole of all time. And aren't we all just looking for the biggest glory hole?"
Bengals win, 30-24.
Carolina @ Denver (-8)
The Broncos defense dominated, and Javante Williams had 2 touchdown runs, as Denver smashed the Saints 33-10 on Thursday night.
"I've had a lot of good memories from being in New Orleans," Sean Payton said. "Now I have more."
The Panthers were crushed 40-7 by the Commanders in Washington. Andy Dalton struggled, passing for only 93 yards, and threw 2 interceptions.
"I can't fault Andy's work ethic and dedication," Dave Canales said. "He is determined ... to give Bryce Young playing time.
"As you've probably heard, Andy was hurt in a car accident. So this offense is going from car crash to train wreck."
Broncos win, 26-10.
Kansas City @ Las Vegas (+9½)
The Raiders lost 20-15 to the Rams at SoFi Stadium. Aidan O'Connell left the game early with a thumb injury, and Gardner Minshew was ineffective in relief, throwing 3 picks.
"We all hate losing," Antonio Pierce said. "No one is happy here, especially our wide receiver corps, the entirety of which are asking to be traded.
"As they say, 'what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas ... or leaves Vegas for New York.' For 'Gang Greener' pastures, apparently."
The Chiefs beat the 49ers 28-20 at Levi's Stadium to remain undefeated, while handing San Fran its fourth defeat in seven games. Kareem Hunt had 2 rushing scores and the Chiefs defense forced 3 Brock Purdy turnovers.
"I'm 5-0 against the 49ers," Mahomes said. "And that goes to show you I can beat the 49ers in any season — summer, fall, winter, regular, post, and spring, if the NFL's greedy owners had their way and forced us into a 28-game season."
Chiefs win, 35-16.
Dallas @ San Francisco (-5½)
Brock Purdy threw 3 interceptions, and the Chiefs beat the 49ers 28-18 in a rematch of Super Bowl LVIII. San Fran also lost Brandon Ayuk for the season with a torn ACL.
"It's been nothing but bad news for us," Kyle Shanahan said. "Which is pretty much always the case when we play the Chiefs.
"In addition, Deebo Samuel is battling pneumonia and Jauan Jennings is still dealing with a hip issue. But I've got just the plan to exploit the Cowboys' exploitable defense. It's called 'fourth-stringers.'"
The Cowboys had a Week 7 bye and look to regroup after a disappointing 3-3 start to the year. It won't be easy at Levi's Stadium against the 3-4 49ers, who are themselves struggling.
"I hear they're calling this the 'Super Bowl of Teams That Can't Win the Super Bowl Anymore Bowl,'" Jerry Jones said. "That's insulting, and I feel like I should threaten some radio hosts over it."
49ers win, 30-26.
NY Giants @ Pittsburgh (-6)
The Eagles walloped the Giants 28-3 at MetLife Stadium, as the Philly defense recorded 7 sacks and limited the Giants to 119 total yards.
"I benched Daniel late in the game," Brian Daboll said. "Daniel wasn't really a fan of it. So I guess he now knows how I feel about his quarterbacking."
The Steelers blasted the visiting Jets 37-15 on Sunday night in Pittsburgh. Russell Wilson, in his first start as a Steeler, passed for 264 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"I figured I would let Russ cook," Mike Tomlin said, "and let Justin Fields simmer.
"But you saw Russell throw some moon balls that he's famous for, with most landing softly into the arms of our receivers. It's a wonder defensive backs haven't figured out how to defend these. It's pretty simple. First, you need to locate the ball. Then, wave the 'fair catch' sign. Then, intercept the ball."
Pittsburgh wins, 26-14.
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