Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Denver @ New Orleans (+1½)
The Broncos couldn't overcome a slow start and lost 23-16 at home to the Chargers. Denver is 3-3, and Sean Payton will make his return to New Orleans for a Thursday night showdown.
"I can't wait to be back in the Saints locker room," Payton said. "It will certainly bring back some old memories, nearly all of which I'd be unable to recall if asked by NFL investigators. Forgetting can be so freeing."
The Buccaneers hammered New Orleans 51-27 in the Superdome as the Saints dropped their fourth straight game. The Saints defense gave up nearly 600 yards of total offense, and allowed 4 Baker Mayfield passing TDs.
"That was a case of a little too easy in the 'Big Easy,'" Dennis Allen said. "That's personally embarrassing. I call myself a defensive coach. Other people call me things much more obscene and profane.
"After a 2-0 start, we've lost four in a row. So, it's up to me to fix things. Luckily, there's plenty of time, possibly for things to get worse. Now, if the season ended today, I'd be out of a job tomorrow."
Broncos win, 17-13.
New England @ Jacksonville (-5½)
The Jaguars suffered a 35-16 defeat to the Bears in London. Jacksonville surrendered 4 touchdown passes to Caleb Williams, and the Jags dropped to 1-5.
"I keep hearing the word 'Quit' whispered around here," Doug Pederson said. "I'm pretty sure it's coming out of Shad Khan's mouth, and aimed in the direction of my ear.
"This is our second straight week with a game in London. The city has kind of become our home away from home. If we lose this game, I'll be looking for a new home away from home."
The Patriots lost 41-21 to the visiting Texans in rookie quarterback Drake Maye's first NFL start. Maye had 281 total yards and threw 3 touchdown passes.
"Is Drake the next Tom Brady?" Jerod Mayo said. "Who knows? But Drake's dull and boring at color commentary, so he's off to a good start."
Patriots win, 23-21.
Seattle @ Atlanta (-3)
The 49ers piled up 483 yards of total offense in a 36-24 win over the Seahawks at Lumen Field on Thursday night. After a 3-0 start, Seattle has lost three in a row.
"We went from 'There's no stopping us,'" Mike Macdonald said, "to 'There's no stopping them.'
"We definitely need to shake things up on defense. Like, for example, this Magic 8-Ball. It must be faulty, because it says 'Yes' 100% of the time. To be fair, the only question I ask is 'Does my defense suck?'"
The Falcons beat the visiting Panthers 35-20 as Atlanta amassed 198 yards and 3 touchdowns on the ground.
"Kirk Cousins does not need to be passing for 500 yards every game," Raheem Morris said. "It's just not sustainable, much like Kirk rushing for 10 yards every game."
Seahawks win, 30-27.
Tennessee @ Buffalo (-8½)
The Titans lost 20-17 at home to the Colts. Tennessee was solid on the ground, but Will Levis completed only 16-of-27 passes, and was 0-for-8 in throws to Calvin Ridley.
"Will played with a throwing shoulder that was not at 100%," Brian Callahan said. "You've seen him throw the ball — I'm not sure Will's throwing shoulder has ever been at 100%. I think a major overhaul of his mechanics is needed. By that, I mean we'd like him to throw left-handed.
"Of course, Calvin would like to be more involved ... in his own trade talks."
The Bills beat the Jets 23-20 on Monday night, spurred by a defense that intercepted Aaron Rodgers late to preserve the win.
"The Bills Mafia is out five hours before game time tailgating," Josh Allen said, "putting their bodies through tables and their livers through hell to support us. There's even a guy who allows himself to be squirted and covered with ketchup and mustard. That's total dedication."
Bills win, 30-17.
Cincinnati @ Cleveland (+5)
The Bengals beat the Giants 17-7 in a defensive struggle on Sunday night at MetLife Stadium. Joe Burrow got the Bengals on the board with a surprising 47-yard touchdown run early in the first quarter, and the Bengals never trailed.
"Next Gen stats said I reached 19.9 miles per hour," Burrow said. "It's embarrassing to the Giants in that no one could catch me. It's embarrassing to Tyreek Hill that he's only three miles an hour faster than me.
"At 2-4, I know the odds are against us making the playoffs, mostly because Zac Taylor is our coach."
The Browns lost 20-16 to the Eagles in Philadelphia as the Cleveland offense again struggled to score with Deshaun Watson at quarterback. The Browns offense managed only 3 Dustin Hopkins field goals.
"Deshaun is not a good quarterback," Kevin Stefanski said. "He's not even decent, and that has nothing to do with his quarterbacking. There are a lot of people urging me to bench Deshaun, and Deshaun is urging me to ignore them. In other words, he's asking me to 'beat off' his detractors. Oh, the irony.
"That being said, I've been ordered by management that Deshaun should continue to start. Management has also instructed me to say that Deshaun gives us the 'best chance' to win. They are literally putting words in my mouth, and no one likes the taste of it."
Bengals win, 26-24.
Houston @ Green Bay (-2½)
The Packers slammed the visiting Cardinals, 34-13, led by Jordan Love, who passed for 258 yards and 4 touchdowns.
"Let's face it," Matt Lafleur said, "I don't think Jordan did anything superhuman. He just took what the defense gave him. And you can best believe a Packers quarterback will take from a charity if given the opportunity. It was like taking candy from a baby, which I fear may be the next Brett Favre scandal to be revealed."
The Texans took care of business and beat the Patriots 41-21 in Foxboro. C.J. Stroud had 3 TD passes and Joe Mixon scored twice in his return from injury.
"We have the pieces in place to bring the city of Houston its first major sports championship," Demeco Ryans said, "not to be tainted by a cheating scandal that involved beating on a trash can."
Packers win, 31-27.
Miami @ Indianapolis (-3½)
The Dolphins had a Week 6 bye and are 2-3 in the AFC East, a game-and-a-half behind the Bills.
"I recently stated," Mike McDaniel said, "that Tua Tagovailoa will play this season. Tua is a few weeks away, from realizing where he's at."
Joe Flacco passed for two scores to lead the Colts to a tough 20-17 win over the Titans in Nashville. Indy improved to 3-3, two games behind the Texans in the AFC South.
"Joe won't let Father Time stop him," Shane Steichen said. "In fact, Joe laughs in the face of Father Time, after he sack taps Father Time."
Dolphins win, 21-20.
Detroit @ Minnesota (-2)
The Lions destroyed the Cowboys 47-9 at AT&T Stadium. Jared Goff passed for 315 yards and 3 touchdowns and Dallas committed 5 turnovers.
"What a birthday present for Jerry Jones," Dan Campbell said. "I'm just happy we were able to 'blow out' the candles for him."
Lions win, 27-24.
Philadelphia @ NY Giants (+3½)
The Eagles improved to 3-2 with a 20-16 win over the struggling Browns at Lincoln Financial Field. Jalen Hurts passed for 264 yards and 2 touchdowns and added 33 yards on the ground.
"Nick Sirianni was jawing with our own fans at the game," Hurts said. "It's timely that we'll be playing the Giants. Maybe Nick can get together with New York City mayor Eric Adams and they can determine who is least popular with their own people. Maybe they both could take a flight on Turkish Airlines, one way preferably, to Outer Mongolia.
"But Nick did apologize for his actions. I commend Nick ... for making a good decision for once. You certainly don't want to get on the bad side of Eagles fans. It's practically impossible not to, though."
The Giants scored only 7 points against a struggling Bengals offense in a 17-7 loss to Cincy at MetLife Stadium on Sunday night. Daniel Jones completed 22-of-41 passes for 205 yards and an interception.
"Those are what you would call 'pedestrian numbers," Brian Daboll said. "But Daniel's contract prevents me from handing him his walking papers."
Giants win, 24-21.
Las Vegas @ L.A. Rams (-5½)
The Raiders lost 32-13 at home to the Steelers, who rushed for 183 and 3 touchdowns as a team. Las Vegas fell to 2-4.
"I was once an interim coach," Antonio Pierce said. "So, it's only fitting that I keep naming interim quarterbacks. Unfortunately for us, I have only two names from which to choose. I can only flip so many coins. Whether the side of the coin says 'Aidan' or 'Gardner,' it always comes up tails, because both of those guys are 'ass.'"
Rams win, 22-14.
Carolina @ Washington (-7½)
The Panthers fell to 1-5 and 0-3 at home with a 38-20 loss to the Falcons at Bank of America Stadium.
"You want to talk about Panthers quarterbacks?" Dave Canales said. "So do I. Cam Newton has joined ESPN's 'First Take,' where he'll engage in nonsensical fake arguments with Stephen A. Smith and other less-cartoonish ESPN personalities. Cam was a legendary NFL quarterback, and is a fashion icon, entrepreneur, loving family man, and now an ESPN personality. So Cam wears many hats, and all of them are stupid."
Despite a strong day from Jayden Daniels, the Commanders defense couldn't stop the Ravens offense in a 30-23 loss in Baltimore. The Ravens piled up 499 yards of offense and Washington lost for only the second time this season.
"We are a very different franchise than Carolina," Dan Quinn said. "For one thing, we know how to get rid of an idiot scumbag owner. We also know how to make good use of a No. 2 pick, as opposed to watching someone else do it."
Commanders win, 35-28.
Kansas City @ San Francisco (-1½)
Brock Purdy passed for 255 yards and 3 touchdowns in the 49ers' 36-24 win over the Seahawks on Thursday night.
"Brock may not be the most exciting quarterback in the NFL," Kyle Shanahan said. "He's definitely not the most exciting quarterback in advertising. Have you seen his Ariat ad? Boring. Ariat might want to think of using a more charismatic QB touting their product. A 're-boot,' if you will."
The Chiefs enter Week 7 undefeated and rested after a bye week. They lead the AFC West by two games over the 3-2 Chargers.
"This is a rematch of last year's Super Bowl," Andy Reid said. "And could very well be a preview of this year's Super Bowl, if you substitute the NFC champion in place of the 49ers."
Chiefs win, 24-22.
NY Jets @ Pittsburgh (-1½)
The Jets lost 23-20 to the visiting Bills on Monday night at MetLife Stadium. New York dropped to 2-4, but good news came on Tuesday when the team acquired Davante Adams in a trade from the Raiders.
"I think this puts a spring in the step for Aaron," interim head coach Jeff Ulbrich said. "And he needs it. Aaron has the will to win of a 25-year-old, the body of a 40-year-old, and the face of a 60-year-old.
"Hopefully, Aaron and Davante can display the magic that they did in Green Bay. Because, let's face it, magic may be the only thing that gets this team to the Super Bowl, 'cause it sure as heck isn't coaching."
Jets win, 23-20.
Baltimore @ Tampa Bay (+3½)
The Ravens win their fourth straight with a 30-23 win over the visiting Commanders. Baltimore had its way with the Washington defense, piling up 484 yards of total offense.
"That game was known as the 'Battle of the Beltway,'" John Harbaugh said. "Not to be confused with Tony Siragussa's personal 'Battle of the Beltway,' which was a lifelong struggle to be able to see his genitals."
Ravens win, 31-26.
L.A. Chargers @ Arizona (+2½)
The Chargers beat the Broncos 23-16 in Denver.
"I suffered a heart arrhythmia prior to kickoff," Jim Harbaugh said. "That means my heart was skipping a beat. Kind of like me skipping the part in the rule book about cheating. It's crazy. Even my heart is giving me signs."
The Cardinals put up very little fight in a 34-13 blowout loss to the Packers at Lambeau Field. Kyler Murray struggled through the air, and Arizona lost wide receiver Marvin Harrison, Jr. early with a concussion.
"This game is streaming exclusively on ESPN+," Murray said. "I know NFL fans who don't want to pay for ESPN+ would like to 'stream exclusively' on the NFL, Roger Goodell, and their greed. Anyway, what NFL owner doesn't want to be showered in gold?"
Cardinals win, 24-21.
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