Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-1½)
The Buccaneers hammered the visiting Eagles, 33-16, as Baker Mayfield passed for 347 yards and 2 touchdowns, in addition to a rushing score. Tampa is 3-1, first in the NFC South.
"I just want everyone to know that Tom Brady and I are on good terms," Mayfield said. "We've 'squashed that beef,' as they say. And speaking of 'squashing that beef,' that's what someone else is doing to Tom's ex."
Younghoe Koo's 58-yard field goal with two seconds left gave the home-standing Falcons a 26-24 win over the Saints. It was his fourth field goal of the day, and Atlanta improved to 2-2.
"I can't imagine the pressure Younghoe must have felt before that kick," Kirk Cousins said. "I bet it was excruciating, or much like playing with Tom Brady. Or so I hear. I would gladly be 'stressed out' for one Super Bowl, much less seven. That being said, both Tom Brady and Baker Mayfield are a-holes."
Falcons win, 23-20.
NY Jets @ Minnesota (-2½)
The Jets sputtered on offense, managing just three field goals, in a stunning 10-9 loss to the Broncos at MetLife Stadium. Aaron Rodgers was sacked 5 times by a Denver defense that pressured him all day.
"I can't fault our defense," Rodgers said. "I also can't fault them for thinking the days of holding an opposing team to ten points and still losing were over.
"I don't want to go so far as to say the loss was humiliating. What was really humiliating was having to congratulate a quarterback who passed for -7 yards in the first half, and 60 for the game, and still winning. Those are like Zach Wilson stats, just without the win.
"I'm really thrilled that this game is in London and not in Minneapolis. The only person more susceptible to outlandish conspiracy theories than me, Tony Dungy, told me that tampons are available in the men's locker rooms at US Bank Stadium. And possibly also litter boxes. And I refuse to play under such conditions."
The Vikings built a 28-0 lead and held on for a 31-29 win over the Packers at Lambeau Field. Sam Darnold passed for 275 yards and 3 TDs to lead the Vikes.
"Sam is on fire," Kevin O'Connell said. "Early in his career, that was just one of many reasons why fans might have urinated on him.
"And speaking of 'pee,' Sam may be the current MVP of the NFL. Now he's facing the first of several teams that gave up on him. Not only are there ghosts to deal with, now he's got demons to exorcize."
Jets win, 21-20.
Carolina @ Chicago (-3½)
The Bears beat the visiting Rams 24-18 at Soldier Field, led by D'Andre Swift, who tallied 165 total yards and a touchdown.
"I'll tell you what's really 'Swift,'" Matt Eberflus said. "People racing to add D'Andre back to their fantasy football roster after dropping him.
"I think what's important is not asking Caleb Williams to do too much. Right now, touchdowns, yards, and percentages are not important; what is important is learning and improving. So, I've urged Caleb not to pay any attention to statistics, especially those of Jayden Daniels."
The Panthers fell 34-24 to the Bengals at Bank of America Stadium. Andy Dalton, facing his former team, passed for 2 touchdowns, but got no help from the Carolina defense, which surrendered several big plays.
"Look," Dalton said, "like Bryce Young, I'm a quarterback for the Panthers. It's crazy to think I would get help from any part of the Carolina organization. I just wish Steve Smith was a QB with the team now, because he would have been completing much-deserved punches to the faces of those responsible for developing a quarterback."
Bears win, 27-16.
Baltimore @ Cincinnati (+2½)
Joe Burrow passed for 2 touchdowns, and Chase Brown rushed for 2 TDs, as the Bengals beat the Panthers 34-24 for their first win of the season.
"We're 1-3," Zac Taylor said. "Things could be worse. We could be 0-4. Things could be even worse, though. We could be 0-4, and people could be eating the dogs and cats in Cincinnati, like they're doing in Springfield."
Derrick Henry's 87-yard touchdown sprint on the first play of scrimmage initiated the onslaught, and the Ravens smashed the Bills 35-10 at M&T Bank Stadium on Sunday night. Henry ended the game with 199 yards on the ground and 2 total touchdowns.
"And just think," John Harbaugh said, "Derrick could have easily been a Dallas Cowboy. And not making it to the Super Bowl on an NFC team."
Bengals win, 26-25.
Miami @ New England (-1)
The Dolphins generated no offense in a 31-12 loss to the visiting Titans on Monday night at Hard Rock Stadium. Miami put up just 184 total yards and fell to 1-3.
"I thought we had a good game plan for Tyler Huntley," Mike McDaniel said. "We were hoping he could do what any third-string quarterback would do if given the chance to face Will Levis — outplay him."
The 49ers walloped the Patriots 30-13 at Levi's Stadium, sending New England to its third defeat in four games. Jacoby Brissett was sacked 6 times and had 2 turnovers.
"That 49ers' defense is no joke," Jerod Mayo said. "Our offense, however, is laughable.
"But I'm still 100% behind Jacoby, and he 100% may be standing at the top of a staircase, and I 100% might push him down them. But I bet he would land on his feet and still be starting at quarterback."
This game should feature lots of action — from the punters.
Patriots win, 19-15.
Cleveland @ Washington (-3)
Jayden Daniels passed for 233 yards and a touchdown, and rushed for another score, as the Commanders blasted the Cardinals 42-14 at State Farm Stadium.
"Some people are calling me a 'budding superstar,'" Daniels said. "I'm a pretty humble guy, so I'd rather not be called that. But if you want to market a strain of marijuana called 'Budding Superstar,' I'll gladly put my name to it.
"I feel like me and Deshaun Watson have similar games. ButI think the biggest difference between me and Deshaun is that I can rub one out all by myself."
Commanders win, 27-17.
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville (-2½)
The Jaguars fell to 0-4 after a close 24-20 loss to the Texans in Houston.The Jags led for nearly all of the game, but C.J. Stroud's TD pass to Dare Ogunbowale with 18 seconds left shattered Jacksonville's hopes.
"I think we came out with a sense of urgency," Doug Pederson said. "I'm afraid the Jaguars' front offense may be looking to get rid of me with a 'sense of purge-ency.'
"As dark as things look right now, I'd like to view things through rose-colored glasses. But I can't, because I'm wearing these dumb old man bifocals that make me look like a clock repairman."
The Colts held on to beat the visiting Steelers 27-24, led by Joe Flacco, who came in at QB when Anthony Richardson left the game early with a hip injury.
"Joe can be ready to go at a moment's notice," Shane Steichen said. "That's a testament to his preparation and professionalism. Joe could also 'go' at any moment. That's a testament to his advanced age."
Jaguars win, 24-21.
Buffalo @ Houston (+1)
The Ravens KO'd the Bills early in Baltimore en route to a lopsided 35-10 win on Sunday night. Josh Allen was held to just 201 total yards and no touchdowns.
"A lot of people think Stefon Diggs and I parted on bad terms," Allen said. "All of those people would be correct. But I'm a sentimental guy. It's gonna be good to see Stefon ... in a different uniform."
The Texans bounced back from their Week 3 loss to the Vikings with a comeback 24-20 win over the visiting Jaguars. C.J. Stroud passed for 345 yards and 2 touchdowns, with his final TD pass coming with 18 seconds left and giving the Texans their first lead.
"Nico Collins had 151 of those yards on 12 catches," DeMeco Ryans said. "Nico is a big, physical receiver from the University of Michigan. He's built like a brick shithouse from the Big House.
"This is our biggest game of the year, so we need to play our best. When we face the Bills, it's important we have our game face on, as opposed to a gas mask on. That's a nod to Laremy Tunsil, who, probably as we speak, just got a false start penalty."
Texans win, 34-31.
Las Vegas @ Denver (-2½)
The Raiders beat the Browns 20-16 at Allegiant Stadium.
"After that loss to the Panthers," Antonio Pierce said, "we really had to take a good long look in the mirror and hope it didn't break, like it would with Mark Davis. Mark's dad Al was a legendary NFL pioneer. Al was an 'OG;' Mark is an 'OGRE.'"
The Broncos used a dominant defensive effort, and an opportunistic offense, to steal a 10-9 win from the Jets at MetLife Stadium.
"I think it's safe to start calling our defense 'Orange Crush' again," Sean Payton said. "Now, if we're sticking with soft drink-themed nicknames, then we'll call our offense, which has scored3 offensive TDs in four games, 'Mountain Few.'"
Denver wins, 20-13.
Arizona @ San Francisco (-7½)
The Arizona defense gave up 216 yards on the ground in a 42-14 blowout loss to the visiting Commanders and rookie quarterback Jayden Daniels.
"The Commanders came into our house," Jonathan Gannon said, "and made it their house. It's the NFL equivalent of squatting. As a struggling head coach, I personally fear the words 'eviction notice.'"
49ers win, 27-24.
Green Bay @ L.A. Rams (+3½)
Jordan Love returned from injury and threw 4 touchdown passes, and 3 costly interceptions, in Green Bay's 31-29 loss to the Vikings at Lambeau Field.
"Jordan really worked his butt off to physically be ready," Matt Lafleur said. "To be able to play, Jordan did two things Brett Favre did not: he refused to use painkillers, and he went to rehab."
The Rams lost 24-18 to the Bears at Soldier Field. Matt Stafford passed for 224 yards and passed Eli Manning for 10th on the NFL's all-time passing yardage list.
"I guess that makes me an honorary member of the 'Manning Passing Academy,'" Stafford said.
Packers win, 26-23.
NY Giants @ Seattle (-5½)
The Giants hung tough against the Cowboys on Thursday night, but five field goals weren't enough in a 20-15 loss at MetLife Stadium.
"We couldn't even break the plane," Brian Daboll said. "So maybe it's time to 'break the plain.' 'Plain' in that context is vanilla quarterback Daniel Jones. But Daniel makes so much money, it's hard not to play him. On the flip side, it sucks to play him and watch his value plummet in case we could sucker another team into trading for Daniel."
The Seahawks offense couldn't keep up in a 42-29 loss to the Lions at Ford Field on Monday night. Geno Smith passed for 395 yards and a touchdown, but Jared Goff was perfect, completing 18-of-18 passes for 292 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"Our defense just didn't play up to Seahawks standards," Mike Macdonald said. "In this case, the 'Legion Of Boom' was the large number of Lions players that went off from a fantasy perspective."
Seattle win, 28-19.
Dallas @ Pittsburgh (-1½)
Dak Prescott passed for 2 touchdowns, as the Cowboys beat the Giants 20-15 on Thursday night at MetLife Stadium. The Cowboys improved to 2-2, but their defense took a blow, as both DeMarcus Lawrence and Micah Parsons suffered foot injuries.
"Those two are going to be hard to replace," Mike McCarthy said. "Luckily though, we addressed depth on defense during the offseason and made some key free agent signings, because that was just smart roster management. Wait? I'm being told we didn't do that."
The Steelers were doomed by a slow start and lost to the Colts 27-24 at Lucas Oil Stadium. Justin Fields had 367 total yards and 3 total touchdowns, but Pittsburgh was minus 2 in turnover margin.
"Justin has been playing great," Mike Tomlin said. "I see absolutely no reason not to consider him our No. 1 quarterback going forward. But should he get injured, we have another 'Justin' that can assume the role. That would be 'Justin Case,' aka Russell Wilson."
Steelers win, 30-27.
New Orleans @ Kansas City (-5)
The Chiefs beat the Chargers 17-10 in Kansas City in a tough AFC West battle. KC lost Rashee Rice indefinitely with a torn ACL early in the game.
"Rashee is the player that stretches a defense," Andy Reid said. "He's also the player that stretches a defense attorney.
"The Chargers had a sound game plan. There's no denying that Jim Harbaugh is a good coach. There is denying when you accuse him of spying on other teams.
"Harrison Butker came up short on a 65-yard field goal attempt at the end of the first half. That really bothered him. Harrison hates missing kicks as much as he hates seeing a woman with a job."
The Saints dropped a 26-24 decision to the Falcons on the road, losing on Younghoe Koo's 58-yard field goal with two seconds left.
"That really stings," Derek Carr said. "I'm getting misty-eyed just thinking about it."
Chiefs win, 26-23.
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