Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Dallas @ NY Giants (+4½)
The Cowboys came out flat against the Ravens and were down 21-3 late in the second quarter. A late comeback fell short and Dallas lost, 28-25. They are 1-2, tied for last in the NFC East.
"The Ravens rushed for 274 yards on us," Mike McCarthy said. "That's totally unacceptable. What's totally acceptable? The dual resignations of both me and defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer.
"There are a lot of things that need fixing. So, my team is a lot like my hot dogs, because it needs all the fixings."
The Giants upset the Browns, 21-15, in Cleveland, led by the Daniel Jones to Malik Nabers connection, which accounted for 2 touchdowns.
"Daniel played his best game in recent memory," Brian Daboll said. "By 'recent memory,' I mean 'in the last seven days.'"
Cowboys win, 30-19.
New Orleans @ Atlanta (-1½)
The Saints offense sputtered in a 15-12 loss to the Eagles at Caesars Superdome. After 5 TD passes in his first two games, Derek Carr struggled, completing only 14 of 25 passes, with 1 TD and 1 interception.
"Derek came crashing back down to earth," Dennis Allen said. "As did I. Is anyone surprised? The law of averages predicted it would happen, because Derek is an average quarterback, and I am an average coach."
The Falcons potential game-winning drive ended deep in Chiefs' territory, as the K.C. defense stopped Bijan Robinson on fourth down, preserving the Chiefs' 22-17 win.
"We felt like the officials missed an obvious pass interference call on Kyle Pitts on a previous drive," Kirk Cousins said. "That's one way to stop Kyle — interfere with him. Another way is to put him in a Falcons' offense."
Falcons win, 22-21.
L.A. Rams @ Chicago (-2½)
The Bears lost a close 21-16 decision to the Colts in Indianapolis. Caleb Williams passed for 363 yards in a losing effort, with 2 touchdown passes and 2 interceptions.
"Well," Matt Eberflus said, "Caleb was only sacked 4 times after suffering 7 against the Texans in Week 2. That's an improvement, but still not ideal. Caleb might not have time to throw, but he does have time to throw up his hands and say, 'Block for me!'
"I know Bears fans are not happy that we're just 1-2. But if fans don't like the players we have on this team, they can either blame either our general manager Ryan Poles, or the Carolina Panthers, because both had a hand in building this roster."
Bears win, 26-20.
Minnesota @ Green Bay (-2½)
The Vikings waxed C.J. Stroud and the visiting Texans, 34-7, powered by Sam Darnold's 4 touchdown passes to four different receivers. Minnesota is 3-0 and all alone atop the NFC North.
"Sam has become a hero in the whole state of Minnesota," Kevin O'Connell said. "He'll probably never have to pay for a drink in a bar again, or pay for anything that might happen on a party cruise on Lake Minnetonka. Heck, I bet somewhere there are Whizzinators being crafted in Sam's image."
The Packers pummeled the Titans 30-14 in Nashville as Malik Willis passed for one score and rushed for another. The Packers defense did their part, forcing 3 Will Levis turnovers.
"We traded for Malik from the Titans in the offseason," Matt Lafleur said. "He was expendable, because the Titans had their minds set on Levis as their quarterback of the future. 'Future' can be defined as 'one day from now' just as easily as it can be defined as '10 years from now.' I don't think either definition works for Levis.
"We recently heard the sad news that Brett Favre has been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. I don't think Brett wants sympathy from anyone. All he wants is for us to donate to his GoFundMe, and/or believe him when he says Parkinson's is the reason he can't remember stealing welfare money."
Packers win, 24-17.
Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis (+1½)
The Colts beat the visiting Bears 21-16 at Lucas Oil Stadium, led by Jonathan Taylor's 110 yards on the ground and 2 touchdowns.
"Jonathan really picked up the slack on an off day for Anthony Richardson," Shane Steichen said. "Anthony completed only 10-of-20 passes and threw 2 picks. But of course, we're sticking with Anthony. He may not be the most accurate quarterback in the NFL, but he's definitely top-32."
Justin Fields passed for a score and rushed for another to lead the Steelers to a 20-10 win over the visiting Chargers.
"I think Justin is managing games very well," Mike Tomlin said. "In other words, he's managing to make me forget that Russell Wilson is on the roster."
Steelers win, 23-13.
Denver @ NY Jets (-7)
The Jets stomped the visiting Patriots 24-3 on Thursday night, led by a defense that recorded 7 sacks and Aaron Rodgers, who passed for 281 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"This is my 23rd year in the league," Rodgers said. "So I've been around the block a time or two, usually chasing wild, easily refutable conspiracy theories. I have experience and I've seen a lot. I'm both old enough to be 40+ years old, and I'm old enough to remember the magazine '40+.' And I actually read that magazine, which I consider 'doing my own research.' On what, I don't know. In short, as the league's oldest player, I refuse to lose to the NFL's oldest rookie."
The Broncos rushed for 136 yards and 2 touchdowns, and Bo Nix played mistake free, as the Broncos handed the Bucs their first loss in a 26-7 whipping in Tampa Bay.
"Bo executed the game plan to perfection," Sean Payton said. "Interestingly enough, he wasn't even in it.
"Bo will certainly be tested by the Jets defense. And I'm guessing his grade will be less like a letter grade and more like a pass/fail situation. Because when he passes, he fails."
Jets win, 23-9.
Philadelphia @ Tampa Bay (+2½)
Saquon Barkley's 4-yard touchdown run (and subsequent 2-point conversion run) with 1:01 left in the game gave the visiting Eagles a 15-12 win over the undefeated Saints. Barkley had 147 yards rushing and 2 scores on the day, as the Eagles improved to 2-1.
"Saquon put the team on his back," Nick Sirianni said, "and then squatted us 50 times. He's thrilled to be playing in Philly. I'm really surprised the Giants didn't try harder to prevent Saquon from leaving. Of course, the G-Men aren't known for 'blocking' much of anything."
Baker Mayfield was sacked 7 times by the Broncos and the Bucs undefeated start came to an end in a 26-7 home loss to Denver.
"The Broncos identified a weakness," Todd Bowles said, "and exploited it. After watching game film, I dubbed it a 'sacks-ploitation film.'
"Baker still has a chip on his shoulder. He just has to keep picking it up and putting it back up there."
Bucs win, 24-21.
Cincinnati @ Carolina (+5½)
The Bengals fell to 0-3 after a stunning 38-33 loss to the visiting Commanders on Monday night. The Cincy defense couldn't stop rookie QB Jayden Daniels, who passed for 3 scores and rushed for another.
"We're not giving up," Joe Burrow said. "We may be in a hole, but we've got a never say die attitude. I once had a never say dye attitude until I went blonde earlier this season. And just to be clear, the carpet does match the drapes."
With Andy Dalton at the helm, the visiting Panthers smashed the Raiders 36-22 to earn their first win. Dalton passed for 319 yards and 3 touchdowns, as Carolina picked up its first win.
"Andy has breathed new life into this team," Dave Canales said. "And we needed it. You've heard of a 'suffocating defense?' Bryce Young ran a 'suffocating offense.'
"There are quite a few teams interested in trading for Bryce. My question to them is not 'What are you offering?' It's 'Why?'"
Bengals win, 27-24.
Jacksonville @ Houston (-4½)
The Bills bolted to a 34-3 halftime lead in an eventual 47-10 demolition of the Jaguars at Highmark Stadium on Monday night. Jacksonville is 0-3 and in complete turmoil.
"That's the kind of loss that gets coaches fired," Doug Pederson said. "Or makes them go to a bar and rub parts with a young lady half his age. Or both."
The Texans were outplayed on both sides of the ball in a lopsided 34-7 loss to the Vikings in Minneapolis. Sam Darnold passed for 4 touchdowns, while C.J. Stroud managed just 1 TD pass, with 2 interceptions, and was sacked 4 times.
"I guess you could say the Vikes separated the 'Minn' from the boys," DeMeco Ryans said. "And that makes us the boys."
Texans win, 27-20.
Washington @ Arizona (-5)
Rookie quarterback Jayden Daniels had 3 total touchdowns as the Commanders upset the Bengals, 38-33, in Cincinnati on Monday night.
"I guess you would call this Jayden's 'coming out' party," Dan Quinn said. "It may go down as the biggest party in this franchise's storied history, second only to Daniel Snyder's 'going away' party."
Cardinals win, 31-24.
New England @ San Francisco (-10½)
The Patriots offense was basically non-existent in a 24-3 loss to the Jets at MetLife Stadium on Thursday night. New England managed only 139 total yards, while Aaron Rodgers picked apart the Patriots defense for 281 yards and 2 TD passes.
"We obviously have a lot to work on," Jerod Mayo said. "Like our offense. It's a work in progress. Actually, it doesn't work, and it's making no progress."
The injury-plagued 49ers blew a 21-7 third quarter lead and suffered an eventual 27-24 loss to the equally as injury-plagued Rams.
"Injuries were already an issue," Kyle Shanahan said. "Now, Brock Purdy is dealing with a back injury. And Christian McCaffrey went to Germany last weekend to see a specialist about his Achilles injury. I'm not sure that was a great idea. I mean, what did Christian do? Roll up to Germany and yell 'Heel!' Probably didn't go over too well there. Likely would have gone over pretty well here though, right, Nick Bosa?"
49ers win, 26-13.
Cleveland @ Las Vegas (-1)
The Browns comeback from a 21-7 first-half deficit to the Giants came up short, ending with a 21-15 loss to New York at the Dawg Pound. The Browns lost three offensive linemen with injuries during the game, and Myles Garrett is dealing with injuries to both feet.
"There's a lot of limping going on," Kevin Stefanski said, "from any bettor who had the Browns as a leg in any of their parlays."
The Raiders suffered a humiliating 36-22 home loss to the visiting Panthers, who piled up 437 yards of total offense.
"I spoke of players making 'business decisions,'" Antonio Pierce said. "But let's be honest, the business decisions we should be talking about are the ones that left me making a choice between Gardner Minshew III and Aidan O'Connell as our starting quarterback."
Minshew gets the start, and the Raiders win, 24-15.
Kansas City @ L.A. Chargers (+7)
The Steelers held the Chargers to just 168 yards of total offense in a 20-10 L.A. loss to Pittsburgh. Justin Herbert started for the Chargers, toughing out an ankle injury, but aggravated the injury in the third quarter and was later seen in a walking boot.
"Justin is out for the Chiefs game," Jim Harbaugh said. "That means we'll be starting Taylor Heinicke. You can correctly assume then that our offense will be as predictable as my wardrobe. If you're looking for me on the sideline, I'm the one with zero style. I'm as easily recognizable on our sideline as Conor Stallions is on an opponents sideline."
The Chiefs improved to 3-0 with a hard-fought 22-17 win over the Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium on Sunday night.
"Our defense made a crucial fourth-down stop to clinch the win," Mahomes said. "They might bend sometimes, but they don't break. Our defense is unlike Kirk Cousins' voice, because it doesn't crack.
"It's never easy playing the Chargers at SoFi Stadium. It's so quiet, you actually can hear yourself think."
Chiefs win, 24-19.
Buffalo @ Baltimore (-2½)
The Ravens raced to an early 21-3 over the Cowboys at AT&T Stadium, then withstood a furious Dallas rally to hold on for the win, 28-25. Baltimore racked up 274 yards on the ground with 3 TDs, and showed no respect for the Dallas defense.
"We were 0-2 after some tough losses," John Harbaugh said, "so it was imperative we get the win. Heck, we could very well be 3-0 ... if we had only played Dallas this season.
"We figured we'd run the ball in the direction this Cowboys team is headed, and that's downhill. We really took it to them on the ground. We 'ground' the Dallas defense into such a fine powder, Michael Irvin can now snort it."
Josh Allen passed for 4 first-half touchdowns and the Bills rolled to a 47-10 win over the Jaguars on Monday night. Allen finished the game with 307 total yards and 4 touchdowns.
"The matchup with the Ravens is going to be huge," Sean McDermott said. "It could very well be a preview of a divisional playoff game in which the winner earns the right to lose to the Chiefs in the AFC championship game."
Ravens win, 23-20.
Tennessee @ Miami (+1)
Will Levis committed 3 turnovers as the Titans fell to 0-3 with a 30-16 loss to the visiting Packers.
"There's only so much I can do with Will," Brian Callahan said. "I call him the 'Statue of Limitations,' because he's practically immobile, and I'm afraid to let him do too much."
With Skylar Thompson starting at quarterback, the Dolphins did very little on offense in a 24-3 loss to the Seahawks in Seattle. Thompson left the game in the second half with a chest injury, and Miami may be down to third-string quarterback Tim Boyle against Tennessee.
"If Tim is our starter," Mike McDaniel said, "we'll build a game plan that plays to his strengths. We will do that as soon as we find some."
Miami wins, 19-16.
Seattle @ Detroit (-4½)
The Seahawks remained undefeated with a 24-3 win over the visiting Dolphins, who started Skylar Thompson at quarterback. Seattle leads the NFC West by two games over each of their division rivals.
"I could ask for a better start to my tenure as head coach," Mike Macdonald said. "To be clear, I'm not Michael McDonald of Doobie Brothers fame. Here in Seattle, the 'Doobie Brothers' are Marshawn Lynch and whomever he's smoking weed with that day."
The Lions rebounded from their home loss to the Bucs with a 20-13 win over the Cardinals at State Farm Stadium. Detroit held a 20-10 halftime lead and went scoreless in the second half, but held the Cards to just three points in the half.
"Seattle is a good team from top to bottom," Dan Campbell said. "And Mike Macdonald is a hell of a coach. But I think we've done our homework and have a solid plan to beat them. I've vetted the Seahawks as thoroughly as I plan on vetting my daughter's stupid friends in the future."
Lions win, 30-21.
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