Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
New England @ NY Jets (-6½)
The Jets beat the Titans 24-17 in Nashville, giving Aaron Rodgers his first win as a Jet. Rodgers passed for 2 scores, with one going to 20-year-old rookie Braelon Allen, the youngest player in the NFL.
"This is like getting a tiny monkey off my back," Rodgers said. "And believe me, in all my travels and adventures to mysterious locales, I've had tiny monkeys on my back. Or at least hallucinated as much."
The Patriots lost 23-20 in overtime to the Seahawks at Gillette Stadium.
"This is gonna be a tough loss to swallow," Jerod Mayo said. "Honestly, I'm gonna lose sleep over this. But luckily, there's an easy remedy for insomnia ... listening to Tom Brady do play-by-play."
Jets win, 22-16.
NY Giants @ Cleveland (-6½)
The Browns defense controlled the game, and Deshaun Watson rushed for a score as the Browns manhandled the Jaguars 18-13 in Jacksonville.
"What can I say," Kevin Stefanski said. "Deshaun is at his best when he lets his 'defense' do all the hard work.
"I commend Deshaun for being able to put all those distractions out of his mind. In this case, 'distraction' is defined as a highly credible accusation of misconduct directed at Deshaun. And he's now facing another civil suit. This civil suit could spell the end for Deshaun. One more deposition might mean he loses his job, which you could call a 'de-position.'"
The Giants fell to 0-2 after a close 21-18 loss to the Commanders at FedEx Field. Daniel Jones was solid, with 2 TD passes, but the New York defense gave up 215 yards on the ground.
"We protected Daniel well," Brian Daboll said. "When we give Daniel a clean pocket, he's a pretty decent quarterback. When we finish paying Daniel, we'll have clean pockets."
Browns win, 27-13.
Chicago @ Indianapolis (-1½)
Anthony Richardson struggled against a tough Packers defense, throwing three interceptions in the Colts 16-10 loss at Lambeau Field. Indy is 0-2, joining the winless Jaguars and Titans in the AFC South cellar.
"Anthony needs to be better about identifying defenses," Shane Steichen said. "Actually, I think he's pretty good at identifying them; he just needs to be better about not throwing to them."
The Texans sacked Caleb Williams 7 times and intercepted him twice as Houston beat the Bears, 19-13.
"Things are looking up for Caleb," Matt Eberflus said. "I say that now and I said that during the Houston game, because Caleb was on his back for most of it."
Colts win, 23-19.
Houston @ Minnesota (+2½)
The Texans defense roughed up Caleb Williams, sacking him 7 times, and Nico Collins had eight catches for 135 yards and a TD as Houston beat the Bears 19-13 on Sunday night.
"No quarterback should have to go through what Bryce Young is going through," DeMeco Ryans said. "By that, I mean no quarterback should have to play for the Panthers."
The Vikings shocked the visiting 49ers, 23-17, as Sam Darnold tossed 2 touchdown passes, including a 97-yard strike to Justin Jefferson in the second quarter that gave the Vikes a 10-0 lead. Jefferson later left the game with a right quad injury.
"Justin plans to play despite his injury," Kevin O'Connell said. "It's not an easy injury to overcome, but J.J. has 'Quad Goals.'"
Texans win, 24-20.
Philadelphia @ New Orleans (+2½)
Alvin Kamara scored 4 touchdowns, as the visiting Saints blasted the Cowboys 44-19 at AT&T Stadium. New Orleans is 2-0, first in the NFC South.
"We like how we're playing," Kamara said. "With two wins, we're practically a quarter of the way to the number of wins we need to win this weak division.
"Our offense is really clicking with new offensive coordinator Klint Kubiak. We're really pleased with everything about Klint, especially the fact that his middle name does not start with a 'K.'"
The Eagles squandered a late 21-15 lead and lost 22-21 to the visiting Falcons on Monday night.
"We certainly have some issues defensively that need to be addressed," Nick Sirianni said. "Like, for example, the Falcons ran their two-minute offense at the end of the game, and they did it in less than a minute. Our defense was so bad, they left our offense plenty of time to score after they let the Falcons score."
Eagles win, 27-21.
L.A. Chargers @ Pittsburgh (-1½)
The Chargers beat the hapless Panthers 26-3 in Charlotte, powered by J.K. Dobbins, who rushed for 131 yards and a touchdown.
"We didn't want to underestimate the Panthers," Jim Harbaugh said. "But we just couldn't help it."
Led by Justin Fields, the Steelers and a smothering defense vanquished the Broncos in Denver 13-6. Fields had a touchdown pass, and the Pittsburgh defense intercepted Bo Nix 2 times and sacked him twice.
"If we can keep our opponents to 6 points or less," Mike Tomlin said, "I like our chances to at least be in the game.
"That performance was the very definition of Steelers football. Which means we will be good enough to barely make the playoffs or barely miss the playoffs."
Steelers win, 19-15.
Denver @ Tampa Bay (-4½)
The Buccaneers stunned the Lions 20-16 in Detroit, led by a defense that rattled Jared Goff and allowed only 1 Detroit touchdown. Tampa is 2-0, tied with the Saints atop the NFC South.
"Our defense and Baker Mayfield are carrying us," Todd Bowles said. "Baker even led us in rushing. Of course, it was only for 34 yards, which is disturbing if that's your team lead. I'm sure you've heard of 'Tampa 2,' right? On this team, it's used to describe Rashaad White's yards per rush average."
The Broncos dropped to 0-2 after a 13-6 loss at home to the Steelers. Bo Nix was intercepted twice, and was sacked 2 times by the aggressive Steelers defense.
"Bo is the latest in a long line of Broncos quarterbacks," Sean Payton said, "that suck. Like Drew Lock, Jeff Driskel, Norris Weese, Brock Osweiler, and Kyle Orton. All those names I just mentioned? I'd take any of them over Bo. And before it goes public and I don't get credit for it, Bo's nickname in the locker room is 'Blow Nix.'"
Bucs win, 23-13.
Green Bay @ Tennessee (-3½)
With Jordan Love out, Malik Willis played turnover-free ball and tossed an early TD pass, leading the Packers to a 16-10 win over the visiting Colts.
"Malik carried out the game plan to perfection," Matt Lafleur said. "You could say he delivered ... the ball to Josh Jacobs perfectly."
The Titans fell to 0-2 after a tight 24-17 loss to the visiting Jets. Will Levis had 2 turnovers, one week after a 3-turnover game against the Bears.
"For sure," Brian Callahan said, "Will needs to be much better about ball security, because I'm very close to kicking him right in the nuts.
"Don't get me wrong, Will is a smart football player. His football IQ is off the charts. His regular-person IQ, however, is very much on the charts, close to the bottom actually."
Titans win, 21-16.
Carolina @ Las Vegas (-6½)
The Raiders stunned the Ravens 26-23 at M&T Bank Stadium. Davante Adams had 130 yards receiving and a score, and Daniel Carlson's 38-yard field goal with 27 seconds left was the game winner.
"Al Davis would be proud of this team," Antonio Pierce said. "And he'd be proud of his son Mark, for accomplishing what he has despite being a hideous ogre."
The Chargers hammered the Panthers 26-3 at Bank of America Stadium. Carolina's offense was ineffective, and Bryce Young passed for only 84 yards, with 1 interception. On Monday, head coach Dave Canales named Andy Dalton starter.
"Little known fact," Dave Canales said. "I consulted with Panthers owner and narcissist David Tepper and asked him what I should do. Then I did the complete opposite of what he suggested.
"I've fielded several calls from people asking about Bryce. Like, Nick Saban called me and asked, and I quote, 'What the F did y'all do to him?'"
Raiders win, 24-16.
Miami @ Seattle (-4½)
The Dolphins were dealt a costly 31-10 home loss to the Bills on Thursday night. In the fourth quarter, Tua Tagovailoa suffered a concussion, his third in the last three years, and was placed on injured reserve.
"Tua is going to miss some time," Mike McDaniel said. "While he's out, I'm giving Skylar Thompson the keys to the offense. And I expect him to drive it into the ground, because I'm surely not going to let him throw the ball."
Seahawks win, 26-17.
Detroit @ Arizona (+3)
The Lions faltered in the red zone in a 20-16 loss to the Buccaneers at Ford Field. Detroit scored just 1 touchdown on seven trips inside the Bucs' 20 yard line.
"That's a number of failures," Dan Campbell said, "reminiscent of the Lions organization's choices of head coach before me. But I can't dwell on my failures. But if I wanted to, I would do it over a series of watered-down margaritas at my local Appleby's."
The Cardinals struck early and often, with Kyler Murray throwing 3 first-half touchdowns, in an easy 41-10 win over the Rams at State Farm Stadium. Two of the TDs went to rookie wide receiver Marvin Harrison, Jr.
"Marvin is a lot like his father," Jonathan Gannon said. "He's a real threat with a lot of firepower."
Lions win, 30-24.
Baltimore @ Dallas (+1½)
The Ravens fell to 0-2 after losing at home 26-23 to the Raiders, who were heavy underdogs. Baltimore shut down the Las Vegas rushing attack, but couldn't stop the Gardner Minshew-to-Davante Adams connection. Baltimore now faces a Cowboys team also coming off a big loss.
"This will be a great matchup between me and Dak Prescott," Lamar Jackson said. "It could be a preview of the Super Bowl ... in which neither of us wins."
The Cowboys gave up 35 first-half points to the visiting Saints, who then cruised to a 44-19 win. New Orleans racked up over 400 yards of total offense, and Alvin Kamara had 4 total touchdowns.
"I was not happy," Mike McCarthy said. "In fact, I was seeing red. That's because I was staring at Mike Zimmer's face."
Ravens win, 31-27.
San Francisco @ L.A. Rams (+7½)
The 49ers lost a shocker, falling to the Vikings 23-17 in Minnesota. Already without Christian McCaffrey, who was placed on injured reserve, the Niners will be without Deebo Samuel for a few weeks with a calf strain.
"I really can't explain all these calf injuries," Kyle Shanahan said. "It seems a bit mysterious. Is someone sabotaging us? I plan to hire a private investigator to find out if there's anything nefarious about these injuries. I guess that PI would be called a 'limp dick.'"
49ers win, 31-17.
Kansas City @ Atlanta (+3½)
Harrison Butker's 51-yard field goal as time expired gave the Chiefs a 26-25 win over the visiting Bengals.
"Harrison has unlimited range," Patrick Mahomes said. "His range is not limited, say, to just the kitchen and bedroom, like his wife, or any woman, for that matter."
Chiefs win, 27-19.
Jacksonville @ Buffalo (-5)
The Bills walloped the Dolphins 31-10 on Thursday night at Hard Rock Stadium. James Cook had 3 first half touchdowns to power Buffalo to the win over their AFC East rivals.
"While Josh Allen heals his left hand," Sean McDermott said, "James will serve as his right-hand man.
"I think we showed that this team is more than just Josh. Our running game is strong, and our defense is looking like one of the league's best. Can we win it all? Well, I don't know what can stop us, other than the Chiefs, or a terrible 9/11 reference."
Jaguars win, 27-26.
Washington @ Cincinnati (-7½)
Austin Seibert kicked 7 field goals to lead the Commanders to a 21-18 win over the visiting Giants. Seibert's walk-off 30-yarder gave Dan Quinn his first win as Washington head coach.
"Austin is on pace for 112 field goals this year," Quinn said. "And, apparently, zero extra points."
The Bengals fell to 0-2 after a 26-25 loss to the Chiefs in Kansas City. A late pass interference call on the Bengals opened the door for Harrison Butker's game-winning field goal as time expired.
"Going 0-2 in your first two games doesn't mean your season is over," Zac Taylor said. "Unless your name is 'Bryce Young.'"
Bengals win, 30-20.
Leave a Comment