Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Buffalo @ Miami (-2½)
Josh Allen had 4 total touchdowns to carry the Bills to a 34-28 win over the Cardinals at Highmark Stadium.
"I can't believe my peers think I'm overrated," Allen said. "Maybe it's their opinions that are overrated. Or maybe they're just stupid.
"I really feel for Tyreek Hill. I don't know what Tyreek could have done differently to de-escalate the situation, except be white."
The Dolphins outscored the visiting Jaguars 13-0 in the second half to snatch a 20-17 win. Tyreek Hill had an 80-yard touchdown catch in the third quarter to spearhead the comeback.
"As I'm sure you've heard," Mike McDaniel said, "Tyreek was arrested for a moving violation on his way to the stadium last Sunday. I have no doubt that Tyreek will learn from this. I know I have. I've learned that Tyreek is well on his way to becoming the next Antonio Brown."
Dolphins win, 32-30.
Las Vegas @ Baltimore (-9½)
The Ravens lost 27-20 to the Chiefs on Thursday night in Kansas City. Isaiah Likely's apparent touchdown catch as time expired was deemed incomplete as replays showed the Raven tight end's toe landed out of bounds.
"They say football is a game of inches," John Harbaugh said. "It's not. It's a game of 24 inches, because you have to have two feet down."
The Raiders' offense was stagnant in a 22-10 loss to the Chargers at SoFi Stadium.
"The Gardner Minshew III era is here," Antonio Pierce said. "And I believe it's going to overlap with the next 'Davante Adams Slamming His Helmet in Frustration' era."
Ravens win, 27-14.
L.A. Chargers @ Carolina (+6½)
J.K. Dobbins rushed for 135 yards and a touchdown as the Chargers handled the Raiders 22-10 at SoFi Stadium.
"We're 1-0," Jim Harbaugh said. "'My record is spotless' is something I can only say in regards to my team's won/loss standing.
"J.K.'s performance really embodies the offensive philosophy I embrace. And that is to run ... the ball, and from my shady and checkered past at Michigan."
The Saints demolished the Panthers, 47-10, at Caesars Superdome. Derek Carr threw for 3 TDs and the New Orleans defense forced 3 turnovers.
"I'm ashamed of myself," Dave Canales said, "for accepting this job.
"But we have to put the Saints game behind us and start preparing for the Chargers. We've got some big surprises in store for L.A. And I mean big surprises. Like, Harbaugh and the Chargers won't know what hit them. Actually, come to think of it, they will know what hit them."
Chargers win, 24-14.
New Orleans @ Dallas (-6½)
The Saints hammered the overmatched Panthers 47-10 in Dave Canales' debut as Carolina head coach. Derek Carr passed for 3 touchdowns in the first half and the Saints cruised.
"Derek was excellent," Dennis Allen said. "It feels like he's figured everything out, except how to get the ball to Chris Olave.
"It will be interesting to see who gets outcoached, me or Mike McCarthy. Mostly because neither of us have ever outcoached anyone."
The Cowboys defense did the heavy lifting in a dominant 33-17 win over the Browns in Cleveland. Dallas sacked Deshaun Watson 6 times and intercepted him twice, and KaVontae Turpin returned a punt 60 yards for a touchdown.
"I think everyone knows," Dak Prescott said, "that if you put Watson on his back, he's not a threat to anyone but masseuses.
"I signed a four-year, $240-million contract extension just hours before the Cleveland game. I applaud Jerry Jones. He gave me the money I deserved, and I didn't even have to accuse him of being my father."
Cowboys win, 26-17.
Tampa Bay @ Detroit (-6)
David Montgomery's one-yard touchdown burst with 5:19 left in overtime gave the Lions a 26-20 win over the Rams at Ford Field on Sunday night.
"I've gone from being a mediocre NFL tight end," Dan Campbell said, "to being one of the most recognizable head coaches in the league. So, I've gone from saying, 'You may have seen me in an Applebee's' to, 'You may have seen me in an Applebee's commercial.'"
Baker Mayfield passed for 4 touchdowns, 2 to Mike Evans, as the Bucs whipped the Commanders, 37-20, at Raymond James Stadium.
"I've found a home here in Tampa," Mayfield said. "That's unusual, because most quarterbacks drafted by the Browns are homeless. From what I've heard, Tim Couch is living on one. Reportedly, Johnny Football is using one as a pillow."
Lions win, 27-24.
Indianapolis @ Green Bay (+3½)
The Packers lost 29-24 to the Eagles on Friday in Brazil. Jordan Love suffered an MCL injury on the last play of the game and is out for 4-6 weeks.
"I feel terrible for Jordan," Matt Lafleur said. "And I think everyone in the Packers organization, past and present, has expressed their concern for Jordan's well being. Heck, Brett Favre even inquired about Jordan's welfare, and if he could use it to have a volleyball court built somewhere."
The Colts wasted a big day from Anthony Richardson, who accounted for 3 touchdowns in a 29-27 loss to the visiting Texans. Indy's defense gave up 213 yards on the ground and only forced one Houston punt.
"Anthony even threw one pass that traveled 65 yards in the air," Shane Steichen said. "The only thing Peyton Manning ever threw that far was Mike Vanderjagt's dignity."
Packers win, 24-23.
Cleveland @ Jacksonville (-3½)
The Browns were smoked 33-17 by the visiting Cowboys, who roughed up Deshaun Watson, sacking him 6 times and intercepting him twice.
"Deshaun really struggled," Kevin Stefanski said. "I hate to say it, but if he doesn't pick things up, we might have to make a change. Look, if there's one thing that needs to be jerked off, it's still Deshaun, but off the field, and not by someone.
"But Deshaun is still the leader of this team. We're hoping he leads by example, as opposed to leading by his penis. And he is one of the highest-paid quarterbacks in the league. A lot of that money is guaranteed, as in guaranteed to go to his many lawyers."
Jaguars win, 23-16.
San Francisco @ Minnesota (+6½)
Sam Darnold passed for 2 scores and the Vikings defense dominated in a 28-6 win over the Giants at MetLife Stadium.
"Sam has always had the talent," Kevin O'Connell said. "He just needed the right scheme, the right environment, the right coaches, the right playbook, and the right shitty Giants defense to make it all come together."
With Christian McCaffrey ruled out, Jordan Mason took advantage of the opportunity with 147 yards on the ground and a touchdown as the 49ers whipped the visiting Jets 32-19 on Monday night.
"Jordan came prepared," Kyle Shanahan said. "And that's impressive on his part since he only had between 90 minutes and 72 hours to get himself in the right frame of mind."
San Fran wins, 28-15.
Seattle @ New England (+3½)
The Patriots shocked the Bengals 16-10 in Cincinnati in Jerod Mayo's first regular-season game as Patriots head coach.
"Look," Jerod Mayo said, "I know it wasn't pretty. But that was the plan — to let our defense set the tempo. Offensively, we purposefully played it safe. If something lacks any semblance of creativity or imagination, and is considered boring, or vanilla, then that something may be our offense, or Tom Brady's color commentary."
Patriots win, 17-14.
NY Jets @ Tennessee (+6)
The 49ers muscled past the visiting Jets 32-19 on Monday night. Aaron Rodgers looked sharp, but the New York defense struggled to stop the 49ers attack.
"We just couldn't keep up with the 49ers," Robert Saleh said. "Something else we might have trouble keeping up with? The hype train."
Will Levis had 3 second half turnovers and the Titans blew a 17-3 halftime lead, eventually losing 24-17 to the Bears at Soldier Field.
"Will has a cannon for an arm," Brian Callahan said, "and also an arm with the accuracy of a cannon. And he also has the intellect of a cannon."
Jets win, 26-10.
NY Giants @ Washington (-2½)
The Giants looked terrible in a 28-6 home loss to the Vikings, who sacked Daniel Jones 5 times and intercepted him twice.
"I guess I have a decision to make at quarterback," Brian Daboll said. "And that decision is this: Do I take Daniel's job, or do I let him take mine?"
The Commanders had no answer for Baker Mayfield and the Buccaneers in a lopsided 37-20 loss to Tampa. The loss spoiled the debut of rookie quarterback Jayden Daniels, who passed for 184 yards and had 2 rushing touchdowns.
"Defensively," Dan Quinn said, "we've got a lot of questions to answer. I think the answer to all of those questions would be 'no.'"
Commanders win, 28-24.
L.A. Rams @ Arizona (-1)
The Rams lost 26-20 to the Lions on Sunday night in a rematch of last season's divisional playoff matchup. Puka Nacua was injured early in the game and was later placed on injured reserve.
"I have no doubt that Puca will recover and be back soon," Sean McVay said. "He attended Brigham Young University, so you could say he's on a 'mission' to get healthy.
"We really need to shore up our offensive line. Matthew Stafford really took a beating. But I'm an offensive genius. So I figure while I'm having my avocado toast and my half-decaf soy milk cappuccino, I can set my mind to finding a solution."
The Cardinals started strong, but couldn't hold off Josh Allen and the Bills in a 34-28 loss at Highmark Stadium. First-round pick Marvin Harrison, Jr. had only 1 catch for 4 yards.
"That's unacceptable," Jonathan Gannon said. "Marvin definitely needs more targets. Now, that is a statement you definitely don't want to say to his father."
Rams win, 27-24.
Pittsburgh @ Denver (+3)
The Steelers used a dominant defense, and six Chris Bowell field goals, to beat the home-standing Falcons 18-10. Justin Fields started at quarterback after Russell Wilson was ruled out before the game with a calf injury.
"We're blessed to have two good quarterbacks," Mike Tomlin said. "And this team operates best when those two quarterbacks do as little as possible. And they're good at that."
The Broncos fell apart in the second half, which resulted in a 26-20 loss to the Seahawks. Rookie quarterback Bo Nix showed some flashes of decency, but threw 2 interceptions.
"Bo showed some promise," Sean Payton said. "I also showed some promise, as in, I promised I'd bench him if he throws more stupid interceptions."
Steelers win, 19-13.
Cincinnati @ Kansas City (-5½)
The Chiefs held on to beat the Ravens 27-20 on Thursday in the NFL's season-opener at GEHA Field at Arrowhead Stadium. Rookie Xavier Worthy had a rushing score and a receiving score, as Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs vanquished Baltimore once again.
"If you watched AFC West football on Sunday last week," Mahomes said, "you probably came to the same conclusion that I did, and that is we just clinched the division.
"The Tyreek Hill situation in Miami was disturbing. Of course, Tyreek was mistreated. But I think he needs to reflect on the situation and consider ways to prevent it from happening again. Tyreek needs to ask himself: 'Would he want his children treated this way?' Okay, that's a bad example."
Joe Burrow managed only 164 yards through the air, as the Patriots stymied the Bengals, beating Cincy 16-10 at Paul Brown Stadium.
"I think we've just been distracted," Zac Taylor said. "What with Joe's wrist injury, Ja'Marr Chase's holdout, and my big mouth."
Chiefs win, 27-24.
Chicago @ Houston (-6½)
With No. 1 overall pick Caleb Williams struggled for the Bears at quarterback, but the Chicago defense and special teams picked up the slack, scoring TDs on an interception return and blocked punt return.
"Caleb struggled," Matt Eberflus said. "Obviously, the college game is much different than the NFL. Conversely, 'USC' is just a 'U' and a 'K' from 'U Suck.'"
The Texans began defense of the AFC South crown with a 29-27 win over the Colts in Indianapolis. Offseason additions Stefon Diggs and Joe Mixon impressed, as Diggs had 2 receiving scores and Mixon rushed for 159 yards and a TD.
"I think Stefon shut up his detractors," C.J. Stroud. "Now, it's my job to keep him happy. Luckily, I have experience doing the impossible."
Texans win, 30-14.
Atlanta @ Philadelphia (-6½)
Saquon Barkley scored 3 times in his Eagles debut, as Philly outgunned the Packers 34-29 in Brazil on Friday night.
"Saquon is a true impact player," Nick Sirianni said. "Case in point: he left the Giants, and they went from sucking, to sucking more. Instant impact."
The Falcons were sloppy in an 18-10 loss to the visiting Steelers. Kirk Cousins looked uncomfortable, completing only 16-of-26 points for 155 yards, 1 touchdown, and 2 interceptions.
"Is Kirk fully healthy?" Raheem Morris said. "I don't know, but it felt like he really held this offense back. Ironically, he was our Achilles heel."
Eagles win, 28-24.
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