Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Baltimore @ Kansas City (-3)
The Chiefs are looking for the unprecedented three-peat in 2024 after knocking off the 49ers in the Super Bowl. Once again, the Patrick Mahomes-led offense will pair with Steve Spagnola's strong defense to put the Chiefs over the top.
"There are 10 quarterbacks that are higher paid than me," Patrick Mahomes said. "I think I might just hold out; not for more money, but more sanity.
"More importantly, we made Harrison Butker the highest-paid kicker in the league. I know Harrison says some controversial things, but he really has a huge number of fans. They call themselves the 'Stay at Home Mob.'"
The Ravens lost 17-10 to the Chiefs in the AFC championship game as Lamar Jackson was again denied the elusive Super Bowl appearance. Former Titan Derrick Henry joined Baltimore in free agency, and John Harbaugh thinks Henry's contributions can put the Ravens over the top.
"Finally," Harbaugh said, "a 'stiff arm' in Baltimore that's not the result of counting our many playoff failures.
"But Derrick will take some of the pressure off of Lamar Jackson. First of all, Derrick is arguably the best goal line back in the league. Secondly, he's an underrated pass catcher. So, if Lamar needs to take a dump, Derrick will be there to catch it."
Chiefs win, 28-23.
Green Bay @ Philadelphia (-1½)
The Packers and Jordan Love came to terms on a $220 million contract extension on July 26th, making Love the highest paid quarterback in the NFL.
"Sure, it seems outrageous," Matt Lafleur said, "and there are a lot of people that say we're going to pay for this. Jordan is one of those people.
"With his massive salary, it's important that Love remains humble. He can validate that money by having another great season in 2024. Until he does that, we're just going to assume he's an average quarterback. That's why his nickname will be 'Fair Jordan' until he proves otherwise."
The Eagles started 10-1 last season, but struggled down the stretch and lost big to the Buccaneers in the wild card round. Free agent acquisition Saquon Barkley will lead Philly's backfield as they face the Packers in Sao Paulo, Brazil.
"I'm just curious," Nick Sirianni said. "If a game in such a locale ends with a shutout, would it be called a 'Brazilian wax?'
"And speaking of 'smooth and bald,' Lane Johnson is anchoring our offensive line in the wake of Jason Kelce's retirement. Jason is now living his best life, traveling the globe, wearing a beret, and working on an offshoot podcast of 'The Heights.' It's called 'The Highest,' and the subject is Jason's brother Travis discussing his college playing days. Or more specifically, the reasons why, while in college, he wasn't able to play, for certain reasons."
Packers win, 24-21.
Pittsburgh @ Atlanta (-2½)
Arthur Smith is out, and Kirk Cousins is in, as the Falcons, under new head coach Raheem Morris, look to turn things around after a 7-10 season.
"Do not despair in Arthur's exit," Morris said. "The Falcons still have a fair share of sloppy oafs on the team; they just happen to be the offensive linemen and not the coach.
"Kirk is fully recovered from his Achilles injury. And he's ready to start a new chapter in his NFL career. That chapter happens to have the exact same name as the previous one: 'How to Not Lead a Team to the Super Bowl.'"
The Steelers signed Russell Wilson in free agency and traded for Justin Fields, giving the team a dynamic pair of play-making quarterbacks who hope to catapult the team into the playoffs.
"And speaking of 'catapult," Mike Tomlin said, "that's what we did to Kenny Pickett. He landed all the way in Philadelphia, and now goes by the name 'Trey Boucher.' No relation to Bobby."
Falcons win, 27-20.
Arizona @ Buffalo (-7)
The Bills fell in the divisional round to the Chiefs, adding another chapter to the franchise's disappointing end to seasons. The Bills later traded Stefon Diggs to the Texans and let Gabe Davis leave in free agency to the Jaguars. That left Buffalo with Khalil Shakur, Keon Coleman, and Curtis Samuel as their starting wide receivers corps.
"Much like I did when he ran routes last season," Josh Allen said, "I'm going to miss Stefon."
Kyler Murray is healthy, and the Cardinals drafted Ohio State's Marvin Harrison, Jr. with the fourth pick in the draft.
"Marvin has talent," Jonathan Gannon said, "and the pedigree. His father was Colts legend Marvin Harrison. Marvin, Jr. is one weapon Marvin, Sr. actually claims. Much like his father, Marvin, Jr. has all the tools, as well as the ability to deny that he was in any way involved in a shooting at a car wash.
"Kyler is totally prepared to get the ball to Marvin as much as possible. I want Kyler to play fast, free, and loose. Much like his study habits with the playbook, I just want him to wing it."
Cardinals win, 27-24.
Tennessee @ Chicago (-4½)
The Bears selected USC's Caleb Williams with the overall No. 1 pick in April's draft, and the team hopes the rookie becomes the cornerstone of a Chicago resurgence.
"Caleb has 'superstar' written all over him," Matt Eberflus said. "Or at least spelled out on his fingernails."
It's the beginning of a new era in Nashville, with Mike Vrabel gone as head coach and Derrick Henry now a Raven. Brian Callahan, former Bengals offensive coordinator, was hired in January to helm the Titans.
"I'm the son of Bill Callahan," Brian Callahan said. "If that doesn't impress you, then you have reacted in the correct manner."
Bears win, 25-22.
New England @ Cincinnati (-9½)
Joe Burrow returns from an injury-plagued 2023 season with a healthy throwing arm and a bleached-blonde hairdo.
"I've regained the full range of motion in my right wrist," Burrow said. "And we plan to make a limp-wristed attempt to win the Super Bowl."
A new era begins in Foxboro with Bill Belichick out as head coach, replaced by Jerod Mayo, who served as New England's inside linebackers coach since 2019.
"Coach Belichick knows better than anyone," Mayo said, "that you can't replace a legend. But you can roast said legend in a Netflix comedy special. But God forbid you say anything about the man who bought his way out of a clear-cut charge of getting an HJ in a massage parlor.
"We've got a rookie quarterback in Drake May that has really impressed. He's fearless, which is good considering the offensive line he'll be playing behind. But he's not our starter to begin the season. That honor goes to Jacoby Brisett. So, if Drake is the next Tom Brady, Jacoby will be playing the part of Drew Bledsoe."
Bengals win, 27-13.
Houston @ Indianapolis (+1½)
The Texans, led by Offensive Rookie of the Year CJ Stroud, advanced to the divisional round of the playoffs before bowing out to the Ravens. Houston is looking for more in 2024, with free agents Stefon Diggs and Joe Mixon added to the mix.
"Stefon and Joe bring a lot to the table," DeMeco Ryans said. "Like veteran leadership, the ability to find the end zone, and a history of being a disgruntled teammate or of disturbing assault and menacing incidents against women. But the past is the past, no matter how recent it was."
The Colts hope that second-year quarterback Antony Richardson can remain healthy for an entire season. Last year, Richardson played only four games before a shoulder injury sidelined him for the rest of the season.
"For a QB like Anthony that likes to run the ball," Shane Steichen said, "some injuries are going to happen. When they do, it's all about pain management. So, it's a good thing Anthony plays for the Colts, the only team in the league whose front office features none other than owner/pharmacist Jim Irsay. Everywhere Jim goes is a 'drug-free zone' because he'll just give 'em to you."
Texans win, 30-19.
Jacksonville @ Miami (-3½)
Miami's 2023 season ended in a 26-7 loss to the Chiefs in frigid Kansas City. But the Dolphins are still riding with Tua Tagovailoa, and signed the quarterback to a four-year, $212.4 million contract extension in late July.
"I think it was important that we extended Tua when we did," Mike McDaniel said. "He deserves it. I don't think anyone in this organization has a problem paying Tua cold, hard, cash, as long as he's not playing on a cold, hard field.
"But let's talk about Tyreek Hill. Tyreek challenged the Olympics 100 meter gold medalist, Noah Lyles, to a race. That would be like Tyreek challenging just any father to a fatherhood contest — Tyreek's gonna lose."
The Jaguars missed the playoffs last season with a 9-8 record after losing five of the last six games. Jacksonville boosted its offense by adding former Bill Gabe Davis at wide receiver.
"Gabe can take the top off a defense," Trevor Lawrence said, "almost as well as Urban Meyer can take the top off a beer bottle."
Jaguars win, 33-30.
Carolina @ New Orleans (-4½)
The Saints finished 9-8 in the NFC South and missed the playoffs, but the team's nucleus remains relatively intact, with Dennis Allen as head coach and Derek Carr as quarterback.
"That's called a 'recipe for mediocrity,'" Chris Olave said. "And mediocrity is more than enough to win the NFC South. Little known fact: the NFL went to the 17-game schedule so no team in the South could ever again win the division with a 7-9 record."
The Panthers hired former Buccaneers offensive coordinator Dave Canales in January, and Canales hopes to break the cycle of six consecutive losing seasons.
"I also hope to break the cycle that's afflicted nearly every recent Panthers coach," Canales said, "and that's being followed by an interim coach."
Saints win, 20-17.
Minnesota @ NY Giants (+1)
The Giants hope to rebound from a poor 6-11 finish in 2023, and will have to do so with Daniel Jones at quarterback, with Drew Lock and Tommy DeVito waiting in the wings if Jones should falter.
"Our quarterback depth chart is certain to strike fear into people," Brian Daboll said, "especially our coaching staff.
"We've drafted Malik Nabors, which gives us a rookie wide receiver out of LSU. The last time a rookie wide receiver from LSU showed up in New York, Odell Beckham, Jr. took the league by storm. There's a big difference, though. Odell had Eli Manning throwing to him; Malik has Daniel throwing near him."
Rookie J.J. McCarthy suffered a torn meniscus in early August, leaving him out for the season. And leaving journeyman Sam Darnold a wide open path to the starting job.
"Sam's got loads of experience," Kevin O'Connell said. "This is his fourth team in the NFL. You could say he's seen it all, and that includes ghosts."
Giants win, 27-14.
Las Vegas @ L.A. Chargers (-3½)
The Raiders named Gardner Minshew III starting quarterback in mid-August.
"Gardner is one of a kind," Antonio Pierce said. "Apparently, though, there are two other Gardner Minshew's. In a perfect world for this team, that 'III' after his name would refer to his position in our QB depth chart.
"We certainly want to get the ball to Davante. And it's imperative that Gardner be on the same page as Davante. It's also imperative that Gardner be in the same restaurant as Davante. That's why Gardner now has a second job working the counter at the Taco Bell in Davante's house."
The Chargers hired Jim Harbaugh in January to replace the disaster artist known as Brandon Staley. Harbaugh will look to lead the Chargers back to prominence after a 5-12 season in 2023.
"I'm confident you'll see one of the biggest turnarounds in NFL history," Harbaugh said. "And speaking of 'turnaround,' if you would kindly just turn around, you won't be able to see me cheating. I'm pretty sure I'm the favorite to win Coach of the Year, or at the very least, an ESPY for 'ESPY-onage.'"
Chargers win, 21-20.
Denver @ Seattle (-4½)
Year two begins for Sean Payton in Denver, where he continues to build his resume as one of the most overrated coaches in the NFL. Payton will trot out rookie Bo Nix as starting quarterback as the team looks for ways to challenge the Chiefs in the AFC West.
"Bo has been very impressive," Payton said. "I foresee him being a very marketable commodity. Advertisers will flock to him. I would say 'There's a bounty on his head,' but I've been advised against that.
"Anyway, I already have an idea for a 'Bo Knows' campaign. As in, 'Bo knows ... that if he F's up, I'll yank him faster than you can say 'Sean Payton is a liar.'"
Pete Carroll was fired as Seahawks head coach in January, ending his 14-year run as head coach in Seattle. Former Ravens defensive coordinator Mike Macdonald was hired as Carroll's successor a few weeks later.
"I'm honored to follow in Pete's footsteps," Macdonald said. "He was the ultimate model in consistency, mostly because he chewed the same piece of gum for all 14 of those years."
Seattle wins, 24-16.
Dallas @ Cleveland (-1½)
The Cowboys enter 2024 without a Super Bowl win in the last 19 seasons. And a lengthy contract dispute with CeeDee Lamb just ended on August 26th, with Lamb signing a four-year, $136 million deal.
"That's the new Cowboys tradition," Dak Prescott said. "Not winning. One thing even Jerry Jones can verify the paternity of is that this franchise is the 'father of all disappointing ends to seasons.'"
The Browns made the playoffs as a wild card last year, but were dispatched handily by the Texans 45-14.
"We know we have work to do," Kevin Stefanski. "That was a humiliating defeat. Usually for this franchise, the humiliation comes not on the field of play, but in the front office when choosing quarterbacks.
"And lookie here. We've got Deshaun Watson and Jameis Winston in our quarterback room. I guess we're going to call that room the 'Civil Suit(e).'"
Browns win, 24-20.
Washington @ Tampa Bay (-4)
After a successful 2023 season, the Bucs awarded Baker Mayfield with a contract extension worth up to $115 million.
"Baker just keeps reinventing himself," Dave Canales said. "In fact, he finally became the version of himself that is actually playing and getting paid like a No. 1 pick."
The Commanders hired Dan Quinn to replace Ron Rivera
"I like to call myself a 'players coach,'" Quinn said, "but only because I wear my cap backwards.
"It's always interesting playing in Raymond James Stadium. It's the only stadium in the NFL with its own pirate ship, as well as the only stadium with its own dollar store."
Tampa wins, 27-21.
L.A. Rams @ Detroit (-3½)
The Lions advanced to the NFC championship game before falling to the 49ers at Levi's Stadium.
"I think we proved to ourselves and our fans that we're good enough to win it all," Dan Campbell said. "And that means we've gone from being the 'kneecap biter' to being the 'kneecap bitee.' That's okay with me. Heck, I'm always looking for a reason to tell someone to 'eat me.'"
The Rams 2023 season ended with a loss to the Lions in the Wild Card round. L.A. will look for a measure of revenge at Ford Field, led by veterans Matthew Stafford and Cooper Kupp, talented youngsters Kyren Williams and Puka Nacua, and big-brained head coach Sean McVay.
"This is really about me versus Dan Campbell," McVay said. "I'll gladly put my brain up against his ... as long as it's not in the form of a head butt."
Lions win, 29-24.
NY Jets @ San Francisco (-3½)
Aaron Rodgers is back, probably from some ayahuasca retreat, where he likely cleared his mind of rational reasoning, but most notably from a torn Achilles suffered just four plays into the Jets 2023 opener.
"When that happened," Rodgers said, "I sure wished I had got the COVID vaccination, just so I could blame my Achilles injury on it."
The 49ers are seeking their second consecutive Super Bowl appearance. Last season ended with a painful 25-22 overtime loss to the Chiefs, San Fran's second loss at the hands of Kansas City.
"'We can't worry about what happened in the Super Bowl,'" Kyle Shanahan said, "is something I've said often in my career."
Jets win, 24-23.
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