Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Larson — Larson, sidetracked early in the race by a loose wheel, mounted a late charge at Indianapolis to win the Brickyard 400, his fourth win of the year.
"I heard the Formula 1 driver Max Verstappen stayed up until 3:00 AM sim racing on race day before the Hungarian Grand Prix," Larson said. "I think I can safely say that's the second dumbest thing a driver has done while sim racing."
2. Ryan Blaney — Blaney ran a query Brickyard 400 on his way to a third-place finish.
"I got turned sideways by contact on a lap 110 restart," Blaney said. "But I was able to save it and continue. That put me in a truly unique situation, because I was able to look sideways at the driver that nearly wrecked me without having to move my eyes."
3. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin won Stage 1 at Indianapolis and finished 32nd after being caught up in an accident on the first overtime restart.
"Fuel mileage always plays a huge part at Indianapolis," Hamlin said. "So, you don't necessarily have to save the best for last, but you do have to save something for last."
4. Tyler Reddick — Reddick started on the pole at Indianapolis and finished second in the Brickyard 400.
"Every driver dreams of kissing the bricks at Indianapolis," Reddick said. "Heck, for all I know, some drivers may dream of kissing bricks in general. I commend them for their fine taste in masonry."
5. Christopher Bell — Bell finished fourth in the Brickyard 400, posting his seventh top-five of the season.
"I don't think the Kyle Busch/Corey LaJoie feud carried over to Indianapolis," Bell said. "One thing's for sure — those two aren't fighting for wins. If anything, they're fighting for relevance."
6. Chase Elliott — Elliott overcame an early penalty to salvage a 10th-place finish.
"I certainly didn't agree with NASCAR's reasoning for the penalty," Elliott said. "You could tell by the number of 'F' words I used when reacting to it over the team radio. I thought it was a pretty good English lesson for all the kids watching, because I used the 'F' word as a noun, a verb, an adjective, an adverb, and as the name I use to refer to NASCAR officials."
7. Alex Bowman — Bowman's race ended on lap 162 during an overtime start when he was collected in a big pileup behind the leaders. He finished 31st, six laps down.
"Jimmie Johnson was racing at Indy in the No. 84 car," Bowman said. "I feel honored to drive the No. 48 Hendrick that Jimmie made famous. He's not making that No. 84 car famous, but he is making it winless."
8. Brad Keselowski — Keselowski was leading and in fuel-saving mode when Kyle Busch spun to bring out a caution, a caution which possibly cost Keselowski the win. On the subsequent restart, Keselowski ran out of gas and settled for 21st.
"It's certainly not the first time Kyle Busch has ruined my day," Keselowski said. "How many days of mine has Kyle ruined? It would be the number of days I've known Kyle Busch."
9. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex made contact with Kyle Larson on lap 106, and Truex slid up the track and hard into the wall. Truex was running fifth at the time of the accident and dropped all the way down to 32nd after a lengthy pit stop. He eventually finished 27th.
"I don't know who to blame," Truex said. "But Ross Chastain was nearby, so I guess I'll blame him. And who on earth would dispute a claim that Chastain caused an accident?"
10. William Byron — Byron was collected in a lap 75 incident when Ryan Preece made contact with Byron's No. 24 Chevrolet, sending Byron hard into the inside wall. Byron was done for the day and finished 38th.
"I don't really know what happened," Byron said. "All I know is that I was an innocent participant. And it's a good thing 'Liberty University' wasn't on my car, because that would have opened the door to a lot of 'Jerry Falwell, Jr. claimed he was an innocent participant' jokes."
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