Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Christopher Bell — Bell led 14 laps, but suffered an accident three laps from the end and finished 37th in the Grant Park 165.
"I don't think I'm speaking out of turn," Bell said, "when I say that Chase Briscoe helped Alex Bowman to the win by taking out Shane van Gisbergen on lap 26. I guess you could say Chase ran out of talent. One thing Chase will never run out of is forehead."
2. Tyler Reddick — Reddick, always strong on road courses, finished second in the Grant Park 165.
"I've won road course races before," Reddick said, "so I was confident I could win at Chicago. I'm not a betting man, but I know someone who is, so he put his money where my mouth was."
3. Ryan Blaney — Blaney finished 10th in a wet and wild Grant Park 165 on Chicago's street course.
"The Chicago Street Race is certainly unique," Blaney said. "It's an endurance race and doesn't even know it."
4. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin finished 30th in the Grant Park 165.
"I made contact with Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.'s No. 47 car on lap 30," Hamlin said. "It was totally my fault. I locked up the brakes and ran right into Ricky. I hate it for Ricky. But I say chin up, Ricky. Things could be worse. You could still be dating Danica Patrick."
5. Kyle Larson — Larson was running third on lap 34 when he locked up his breaks into turn six and went hard into the tire barrier. His car was too damaged to continue and he finished 39th.
"In a race defined by choosing between slick tires and wet weather tires," Larson said, "my wet weather tires were too slick. Ironically, it was tires that stopped me. Just not the ones on my car."
6. Chase Elliott — Elliott came home 21st in the Grant Park 165.
"The No. 9 car lost Hooter's sponsorship," Elliott said. "They've been with us for so long, it really hurts to have to break that news. But I'm just glad I got it off my chest."
7. Alex Bowman — Bowman snapped an 80-race winless drought with a win in the Grant Park 165, clinching a spot in the playoffs.
"As I said after the race," Bowman said, "I'm gonna drink so much bourbon to celebrate. And I really mean so much. So much that I'll pass out and maybe wake up 80-races later, just in time for my next win."
8. Ty Gibbs — Gibbs started second and finished third in the Chicago Street Race.
"It was a crazy race," Gibbs said. "You know it's a crazy race when a guy named 'Joey Hand' wins a stage. No one fears Joey Hand. Now, if it was 'Joey Hands,' and he was Italian, and in the mafia, then I would fear him."
9. Ross Chastain — Chastain finished 22nd in the Chicago Street Race, his run for a top-10 finish derailed by a late slide into the tire barrier.
"I think NASCAR should definitely keep the Chicago Street Racing on the schedule," Chastain said. "I think 99.9% of fans like it because the racing is exciting. And the other 0.01% just have a weird fetish in which they are excited by hearing 'Lake Shore Drive' mentioned 200 times in the span of two hours."
10. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex was snagged in a late accident on the Chicago street course and finished 33rd in the Grant Park 165.
"Shane van Gisbergen was the favorite going into the race," Truex said. "But he got taken out by the ineptitude of Chase Briscoe. I'm guessing Briscoe is no longer welcome in the country of New Zealand. That shouldn't be a problem, because I doubt Chase even knows where New Zealand is, much less that it's a country."
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