Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
New England @ Pittsburgh (-6)
The Patriots were shut out in a demoralizing 6-0 loss to the visiting Chargers at Gillette Stadium. It was New England's fifth straight loss, leaving them at 2-10, the worst record in the AFC.
"We may be losing games," Bill Belichick said, "but we're winning the 'Limbo' contest, because we keep going lower. I'm running out of hope, and quarterbacks to bench.
"Sure we've struggled mightily this season, but there have been small successes. Just ask our team pro shop. Sales of 'You Lucky We Ass' merchandise are through the roof. 'YLWA' is the new 'YOLO.'
"If the NFL ever decides to flex Thursday games, history will look back on this game as the precedent. What's worse than watching paint dry? Watching garbage trying to out-garbage other garbage."
The Steelers' offensive struggles reared its ugly head again in a 24-7 loss to the visiting Cardinals. Pittsburgh didn't score a touchdown until a meaningless Diontae Johnson TD reception late in the fourth. Kenny Pickett left the game in the second quarter with an ankle injury.
"And speaking of 'rearing its head," Mike Tomlin said, "our offense is back to having its head up its ass.
"Our offense is certainly not 'The Greatest Show on Earth,' Turf, or any surface, for that matter. I can confidently say, however, that our offense is, in fact, 'on Earth.' And apparently seems to be stuck there.
"Pickett had surgery on his ankle and will miss Thursday's game. But Mitch Trubisky is ready to take over as leader of this offense. And if Mitch is, in fact, the leader of our offense, then we are doomed.
"Gone are the days when Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger faced off in Patriots/Steelers clashes. A Bailey Zappe/Mitch Trubisky matchup just doesn't induce the same appeal, or any appeal for that matter."
Steelers win, 16-12.
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-2½)
The Buccaneers edged the Panthers 21-18 at Raymond James Stadium to stay firmly in the hunt for first in the NFC South. Tampa is 5-7, one game behind the Falcons along with the Saints. Mike Evans had 7 receptions for 162 yards, including a 75-yard TD catch in the third quarter.
"Baker Mayfield played on one good leg," Todd Bowles said, "and made one good throw.
"Baker hasn't quite lived up to what you would expect from the Heisman Trophy winner and overall No. 1 pick. I guess you could call it 'Heisman Atrophy.'"
The Falcons beat the lowly Jets 13-8 and took sole possession of the NFC South lead. At 6-6, Atlanta leads the 5-7 Saints by one game.
"I feel like Robeert Saleh and myself have a lot in common," Arthur Smith said. "For one, we're both devastatingly handsome. And two, we both have at least two quarterbacks that we are never thrilled to choose as our starter.
"I think we would make a great representative for the NFC South in the playoffs. And so would the other six NFC teams that make the playoffs."
Falcons win, 23-20.
Detroit @ Chicago (+3)
The Lions jumped on the Saints early, holding a 21-0 lead in the first quarter, and held on to win 33-28 at the Superdome. Jared Goff passed for 2 touchdowns, and Sam LaPorta had 9 receptions for 140 yards and a touchdown.
"Most importantly," Dan Campbell said, "Jared had zero turnovers. That's something we worked on diligently in practice all week leading up to the game. And Jared took it to heart. The lesson: never underestimate the importance of a threat to staple to football to your quarterback's throwing hand."
The Bears had a Week 13 bye and are 4-8, last in the NFC North, and five games behind the 9-3 Lions.
"We're not giving up on anything," Matt Eberflus said. "We've got a lot left in the tank, and we also have a lot left for which to tank.
"But we have our work cut out for us. Luckily, we have the Panthers doing most of it for us. If Carolina wants to trade with us in the future, I'm sure we can come up with another one-sided offer that benefits just us. And we, in turn, can use all those draft picks as the building blocks for subsequent 5-12 seasons."
Lions win, 27-22.
Indianapolis @ Cincinnati (+2½)
The Bengals stunned the Jaguars 34-31 in overtime on Monday night in Jacksonville. Jake Browning blitzed the Jags for 354 yards and a touchdown, and Joe Mixon had 2 short rush touchdowns.
"What a performance by Jake," Zac Taylor said. "And how about that Jaguars secondary? It was a bit more than a 'Browning;' it was a 'burning.' Am I right?
"Jake probably just made himself a lot of money. And he'll likely lose that money when he throws 3 interceptions against the Colts."
The Colts beat the Titans 31-28 in overtime in Nashville to remain two games behind the Jaguars in the AFC South race. Gardner Minshew's 4-yard pass to Michael Pittman with 2:31 left in overtime won it for the Colts. Indy is 7-5 and currently holds the No. 7 seed in the playoffs.
"If you wanted drama," Shane Steichen said, "you got it in that game. If you want more drama, spend a day with Jim Irsay. If you want even more drama, spend a night with him. Tom Brady has decried the league's 'mediocre product.' Obviously, he's never sampled the product that Jim sends up his nose.
"Jonathan Taylor will miss a few games after having thumb surgery. That's upsetting, because this team's had some really bad luck this year. What with injuries to Anthony Richardson and Jonathan, and the sad fate of Irsay, who's still dealing with the handicaps of being rich, white, and a billionaire, it's been tough for everyone. Jim's shown great courage in overcoming three major shortcomings to still become a drug-addled, racist NFL owner.
"As for our standing in the conference standings, I've instructed my players that looking too far ahead is not smart. And if they don't understand that, I've instructed them to direct all questions about the playoffs to Jim Mora, Sr."
Bengals win, 24-22.
Jacksonville @ Cleveland (+3)
The Browns, with Joe Flacco under center, hung tough at SoFi Stadium against the Rams before falling 36-19. Flacco passed for 254 yards and 2 touchdowns, but tossed a crucial interception in the fourth quarter.
"The game was closer than the score indicated," Kevin Stefanski said. "It was a one-point game late in the fourth quarter. Then Joe took over. In fairness, it was getting close to his bedtime."
The Jaguars fell 34-31 in overtime to the visiting Bengals and backup quarterback Jake Browning. Trevor Lawrence left the game in the fourth quarter after suffering a high right ankle sprain.
"Losing to the Bengals on Monday night was a lot like losing to them back in 2021," Doug Pederson said, "because in both cases, Urban Meyer could be found afterwards in a bar straddling a young lady half his age. To be honest, that's where Urban is pretty much every night.
"Trevor may or may not miss some time. That is coach speak for 'game-time decision.' Which is code for 'he can't walk.' In any case, for the time being, our offense is going to operate with a limp ... armed quarterback named C.J. Beathard."
Browns win, 25-23.
Carolina @ New Orleans (-5½)
The Panthers fell to 1-11, and 0-7 on the road, with a 21-18 loss to the Bucs in Chris Tabor's first game as interim Carolina coach. Bryce Young continued to struggle, completing only 15-of-31 passes for 178 yards and 1 interception.
"We're committed to put Bryce in positions to win," Tabor said. "He seems to be committed to just the opposite.
"We've got an owner in David Tepper who himself is committed to winning ... the award for most incompetent NFL owner. David's quite the paradox, because he's worth $20 billion while simultaneously not being worth a shit."
The Saints dug themselves an early 21-0 hole against the Lions at the Superdome, and couldn't quite recover in a 33-28 loss. Derek Carr left the game in the fourth quarter with shoulder and back injuries after taking a big hit.
"Derek's taken a beating this year," Dennis Allen said. "The only thing that's been driven into the ground more than Derek this season is our offense under Derek. Derek has given his heart and soul to this team. But really, not much else."
Saints win, 23-13.
Houston @ NY Jets (+6½)
The Jets offense was nonexistent in a 13-8 loss to the visiting Falcons at rainy MetLife Stadium. Tim Boyle was ineffective as starting quarterback, and Trevor Siemian was even worse after entering the game in the fourth quarter.
"Our quarterback situation is the very definition of things going from bad to worse," Robert Saleh said. "How bad is it? It's so bad, I'm thinking about going back to Zach Wilson. It's so bad, we added Brett Rypien to our roster.
"On the bright side, Aaron Rodgers has given up the crazy idea of coming back this year. I never thought it would be wise for Aaron to come back this year. If Aaron was a dog, I would tell him to 'heel.'"
The Texans beat Russell Wilson and the Broncos 22-17 at NRG Stadium. Jimmie Ward's interception in the end zone with 16 seconds left preserved the Houston win.
"I know the Jets are a lowly 4-8," DeMeco Ryans said, "but I consider them the greatest team in the NFL ... at making you appreciate the fact that you have a legitimate starting quarterback."
Texans win, 19-13.
L.A. Rams @ Baltimore (-7)
The Ravens had a Week 13 bye and currently hold the No. 3 seed in the AFC.
"It's great to see Joe Flacco back in the league," John Harbaugh said, "as a starter, no less. It's one thing to be 'old as dirt;' it's another to be 'old AF.' Joe is both of those."
The Rams beat the visiting Browns 36-19 to even their record at 6-6. Matthew Stafford passed for 279 yards and 3 touchdowns, including a 70-yard TD strike to Puka Nucua in the third quarter.
"We've won three in a row," Sean McVay said, "and placed ourselves right in the middle of the playoff conversation. Well, maybe not the middle of the playoff conversation; more like the right outside of the conversation, because we currently would not be in the playoffs.
"But there's nothing like a trip to play the mighty Ravens in Baltimore to serve as a measuring stick to gauge how really good you are. And since we're an NFC team, the Ravens are going to take that measuring stick and beat us with it."
Ravens win, 31-17.
Minnesota @ Las Vegas (+3)
The Raiders return from a Week 13 bye with their playoff hopes hanging by a thread.
"At the end of the day," Antonio Pierce said, "it's all about winning games. If the great Al Davis was alive today, I'm sure the first words out of his mouth would be 'Just win baby,' followed by 'What the 'F' is wrong with my son's head?'
"But with Maxx Crosby on this team, we have a chance to beat any team. Just look at Maxx's face. It tells you that he's coming after you, or going to a KISS concert."
The Vikings return from a Week 13 bye and currently hold the No. 6 seed in the NFC playoff race.
"We're going to start the quarterback who can best maximize Justin Jefferson," Kevin O'Connell said. "If it's to maximize Justin's frustration, then we definitely have that quarterback on our roster."
Raiders win, 24-21.
Seattle @ San Francisco (-8½)
The 49ers embarrassed the Eagles 42-19 in Philadelphia, scoring touchdowns on six consecutive drives. Brock Purdy passed for 4 touchdowns, and Deebo Samuel scored 3 total TDs. San Fran improved to 9-3, while the Eagles dropped to 10-2.
"I don't think we can play much better than that," Kyle Shanahan said. "And I don't think we really needed to."
49ers win, 31-18.
Buffalo @ Kansas City (-2½)
The Bills return from a Week 13 bye with a tough schedule ahead, and may possibly need to win all of their remaining five games to make the playoffs.
"I don't think it's a stretch to believe that we can go 5-0," Sean McDermott said. "And if we can make it into the playoffs, watch out, because I think we can go all the way and complete the circle, by losing in the Super Bowl for 0-5.
"I think this game will come down to who has the ball last. And considering our history, the last to have the ball will be the Chiefs ball boy behind the goal post who catches Harrison Butker's game-winning field goal."
The Chiefs struggled in the red zone, and couldn't stop Jordan Love, in a 27-19 loss to the Packers at Lambeau Field on Monday night.
"I guess the 'Lambeau Mystique' is a real phenomenon," Patrick Mahomes said. "The home team certainly feels it, the visiting team definitely feels it, and even the officials feel it ... in their wallets, apparently.
"Andy Reid is 2-0 against Sean McDermott in the postseason. In the playoffs, you could say Andy Reid eats Sean McDermott for lunch."
Chiefs win, 31-29.
Denver @ L.A. Chargers (-3)
The Chargers beat Bailey Zappe and the inept Patriots 6-0 in the rain at Gillette Stadium. L.A.'s special teams ruled the day, as punter JK Scott pinned the Pats inside their own 20 seven times, and Cameron Dicker kicked two field goals.
"Maybe the score doesn't necessarily indicate it," Brandon Staley said, "but we 'kicked' the shit out of the Patriots."
The Broncos five-game winning streak was snapped in a 22-17 loss to the Texans in Houston. Russell Wilson threw 3 interceptions, as Denver dropped to 6-6 and are currently the AFC's ninth seed.
"Sometimes," Sean Payton said, "when I let Russell 'cook,' I get stuck cleaning up the kitchen. Fittingly, it requires me to 'scrub.'
"This is the first of two games we have against the Chargers in the next four weeks. I like our chances in both. Brandon Staley can't win the big one, or the close one, or the one in which he had a 27-point lead."
Chargers win, 24-17.
Philadelphia @ Dallas (-3½)
Dak Prescott passed for 299 yards and 3 touchdowns to lead the Cowboys to a tough 41-35 win over the visiting Seahawks at AT&T Stadium on Thursday night.
"Dak has lifted his game to another level," Mike McCarthy said. "And I believe he can take it all the way to the highest level. I think the kids these days call that 'taking an upper decker,' or so I'm told."
The 49ers smashed the Eagles 42-19 at Lincoln Financial Field, quickly erasing a 6-0 deficit to turn a close game into a blowout. Philly gave up 446 yards of total offense and only rushed for 46 yards.
"It was truly a 'Tush Push,'" Nick Sirianni said, "because we got our butts run out of our own building.
"NFL Network talking head David Carr said we should bench Jalen Hurts and start Marcus Mariota. And rightly so, Carr has been skewered by anyone with a basic knowledge of football. I've been informed he's now in repercussion protocol.
"I know people are going to kick us while we're down, but I think we'll get the last laugh, or two laughs actually, because we get to play the Giants twice."
Eagles win, 31-30.
Tennessee @ Miami (-14)
The Dolphins whipped the Commanders 45-15 at FedEx Field. Tyreek Hill had 2 long touchdown catches, and De'Von Achane had 2 TD rushes.
"I have nothing but respect for Ron Rivera," Mike McDaniel said. "Had I not, we would have easily dropped 70 on the Commanders. In short, Sean Payton is a dick.
"Tyreek should definitely be in the running for MVP. To be clear, 'MVP' means 'Most Valuable Player,' not 'Most Valuable Parent.'
"HBO is featuring us in this year's 'Hard Knocks: In Season.' Noted former Dolphin great and weed fiend Ricky Williams often played with a buzz, but HBO blew it by not green-lighting the show 'Hot Box: In Season.'"
The Titans lost 31-28 in overtime to the visiting Colts at Nissan Stadium. Tennessee gave up two blocked punts, one of which was returned for a touchdown. On Monday, the team fired special teams coordinator Craig Aukerman.
"I had to do it," Mike Vrabel said. "And no one was going to block me from kicking Craig to the curb."
Miami wins, 38-17.
Green Bay @ NY Giants (+6½)
The Packers upset the visiting Chiefs 27-19 at Lambeau Field on Sunday night. Jordan Love outplayed Patrick Mahomes, throwing 3 TD passes to Mahomes' one as the Packers improved to 6-6 and put themselves into playoff position.
"If the playoffs started today," Matt Lafleur said, "we'd be the NFC's No. 6 seed. And Jordan could head to the playoffs and do something Aaron Rodgers could not, and that's lose a playoff game he was supposed to lose. Aaron was always too busy losing playoff games he was supposed to win."
The Giants had a Week 13 bye and are currently 4-8, third in the NFC East.
"Until someone tells me we're officially eliminated from playoff contention," Brian Daboll said, "I'm just gonna assume we already are."
Packers win, 20-17.
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