Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Seattle @ Dallas (-8½)
The Cowboys pulled away in the second half to complete a 45-10 blowout of the Commanders at AT&T Stadium. Dak Prescott passed for 331 yards and 4 touchdowns, and DaRon Bland returned an interception for a touchdown, his NFL record fifth of the season.
"Dak is playing like an MVP candidate," Mike McCarthy said. "Let's just hope 'MVP' doesn't come to stand for 'Missed Victory (in the) Playoffs.' But really, who am I to criticize someone's playoff record? Take away the year I carried Aaron Rodgers' jock strap all the way to the Super Bowl, and I'm 7-10 in the playoffs.
"We're in great position to make the playoffs. Who cares about winning the NFC East; we'll happily take the No. 5 seed and a trip to New Orleans, or Tampa, or Atlanta. That's just like a first round bye, because if we play either one of those teams, it will be 'First round? Bye' for them."
The Seahawks offense struggled in a 31-13 home loss to the 49ers on Thanksgiving night. Seattle's offense didn't produce a single touchdown, and Geno Smith was sacked 6 times.
"It was like the 49ers had a '12th Man' out there," Pete Carroll said. "Which made it seem like they had three more than us."
Cowboys win, 26-20.
Indianapolis @ Tennessee (+2½)
Jonathan Taylor rushed for two touchdowns, and Gardner Minshew passed for 251 yards, as the Colts beat the visiting Buccaneers, 27-20. Indy is 6-5, two games behind the 8-3 Jaguars in the AFC South.
"Jonathan is awesome," Shane Steichen said. "And to think, Jim Irsay didn't want to pay him. I can totally understand where Irsay is coming from, because if Jim wasn't a white billionaire, Jonathan wouldn't be asking him for all that money. Let's face it, Jim understands discrimination more than anyone on earth. I mean, if you really think about it, white billionaires are technically a minority, and also some of the biggest assholes in the world. Jim was born with a silver spoon in his mouth; now he cooks heroin with it.
"Gardner is a trailer park icon, so playing in Tennessee is like a homecoming of sorts for him. To him, being called 'white trash' is not an insult; it's an inalienable right."
The Titans snapped a three-game losing streak with a tough 17-10 win over the visiting one-win Panthers.
"We're 4-1 at home," Mike Vrabel said, "but 0-6 on the road. We're an aberration, because normally the state of Tennessee doesn't offer much of a home-field advantage, especially if you live here.
"We're underdogs, at home, to the Colts, of all teams. That's insulting, but entirely understandable given our record, our talent, our quarterback, and the benefits of tanking."
Colts win, 23-20.
L.A. Chargers @ New England (+6)
The Patriots couldn't get the job done against the Giants, losing at MetLife Stadium. Mac Jones was benched for the second half after throwing 2 picks in the first half, and Chad Ryland's 35-yard field goal with six seconds left was wide left, failing to send the game into overtime.
"Of course," Bill Belichick said. "Wide left. See, this team can't get anything 'right.' As for Mac, he's a fighter and I expect him to bounce back. He still has a lot to prove. One thing he has proven is that he is qualified to play for the Jets.
"Talk about coaches on the hot seat. This game has two of them. If a pair of warm male butt cheeks is your thing, then this is the game for you. And your fetish may be weirder than that of Rex Ryan.
"Our defense will have to be at its best against Herbert. He has all the attributes you would want in a quarterback. I would be happy to have just one attribute you would want in a quarterback."
The Chargers lost 20-10 at SoFi Stadium to the Ravens and their stifling defense, which forced four turnovers and roughed up Justin Herbert. Los Angeles dropped to 4-7, in last place in the AFC West.
"Sure," Brandon Staley said, "our playoff hopes look bleak. But we're gonna keep fighting. It's like what Yogi Berra once said. He said, 'Please fire Brandon Staley.' You thought I was talking about the Yogi Berra? No, I'm talking about Chargers' superfan Yogi Berra from Chula Vista, California.
"I wouldn't be surprised if my team has a players only meeting soon. I also wouldn't be surprised if our owner has a 'Brandon Staley only' meeting soon."
Chargers win, 24-14.
Detroit @ New Orleans (+4½)
The Lions came out flat against the Packers at Ford Field and never recovered in a 29-22 loss to Green Bay. Jared Goff had 3 fumbles, two in the first half, one of which was returned for a touchdown.
"Jared has to be better about protecting the ball," Dan Campbell said. "I don't like using the word 'sloppy,' unless it's followed by 'Joe's,' but Jared has been sloppy in the last two games. That's the kind of play that would get some quarterbacks benched, or possibly traded away for a better quarterback who then leads his team to the Super Bowl."
The Saints lost 24-15 to the Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Red zone efficiency was again an issue for the Saints, as they went 0-5 in the red zone.
"I'd be lying to you if I said that wasn't bad," Dennis Allen said. "And since I'm a Saints head coach, I'm probably lying, so 0-5 in the red zone is not that bad. It's terrible.
"I can't blame our red zone issues totally on Derek Carr. Derek has a lot of great qualities. Like, for example, Derek has great situational awareness, because he knows he sucks."
Lions win, 27-21.
Atlanta @ NY Jets (+3)
The Jets lost their fourth straight, falling 34-13 to the Dolphins at MetLife Stadium on Friday. Tim Boyle threw 2 interceptions and was sacked 7 times.
"I hate to use the Lord's name in vain," Robert Saleh said, "which I've done thousands of times this season, but Tim was God awful. Just a little advice to any team that may sign Aaron Rodgers in the future: make sure you tell him to leave his entourage at home. That includes Boyle, Nathaniel Hackett, Randall Cobb, and Allen Lazard. We call them the 'Four Stooges of the Apocalypse.'
"That being said, Boyle will be the starter against the Falcons. He gives us the best chance to win. Win what, I'm not sure. Certainly not games. Maybe a better draft pick. More than likely, sympathy."
The Falcons beat the Saints as Desmond Ridder returned to the starting lineup at quarterback. Ridder offset 2 nterceptions with a TD pass to Bijan Robinson in the fourth quarter that extended Atlanta's lead to 9 points.
"That's just part of the give and take that is NFL football," Arthur Smith said. "Desmond often gives to the other team, and I can't take it. I'm determined to make Desmond a viable NFL quarterback. In turn, he's determined to make me a former NFL head coach."
Falcons win, 19-14.
Arizona @ Pittsburgh (-5½)
The Steelers did just enough to beat the Bengals 16-10 in Cincinnati. Kenny Pickett passed for 278 yards, and the Steelers eclipsed 400 yards of total offense for the first time this season.
"We turned 400 yards into 16 points," Mike Tomlin said. "That's pathetic, but for us, it's progress. But barriers were made to be broken. We crashed through that 400 yard barrier, so now the sky's the limit. We had 421 against the Bengals; now, we're thinking big. We're shooting for 430.
"You may have heard about a locker room dustup between Diontae Johnson and Minkah Fitzpatrick. Sure it got a lot of attention, but I'm gonna put a Mike Tomlin spin on it and say 'We're gonna treat it like a suppository, and handle it internally.'"
The Rams walloped the Cardinals 37-14 at State Farm Stadium. Los Angeles piled up 457 total yards, including 228 on the ground, while the Rams defense sacked Kyler Murray four times and continually pressured him.
"The Rams had Kyler running for his life," Jonathan Gannon said. "In the past, if Kyler was running for his life, it was from the playbook.
"But Kyler is still one of the most exciting players in the league. I think a team like the Jets would kill for a QB like Kyler. I mean, literally, they would actually murder someone if it would mean Kyler would be their quarterback. I'm not sure who they would murder, but their names rhyme with Wack Zilson and Bim Toyle."
Steelers win, 23-14.
Carolina @ Tampa Bay (-5)
The Panthers lost 17-10 to the Titans in Nashville and fell to 1-9. Both teams struggled to score, and a late Bryce Young fumble in Carolina territory sealed the Panthers fate. On Monday, head coach Frank Reich was fired.
"It's not like I didn't see this coming," Reich said. "I walked into my office after the game and there was a pink slip attached to a chopping block with an ax.
"I like stating the obvious. That's why I start most of my sentences with 'Let me be Frank.' So, 'Let me be Frank.' The Panthers head coach next season will not be Frank."
The Buccaneers lost 27-20 to the Colts in Indianapolis. Baker Mayfield threw two touchdowns passes, but had two turnovers and was sacked six times.
"I feel for Frank Reich," Todd Bowles said. "He probably didn't deserve to be fired any more than he deserved to be hired. I don't think the Panthers' issues are because of the coach; I think they're problem is the owner, David Tepper. What's the solution? Former Panthers wide receiver legend Steve Smith, of course. As the head coach? Lord no. To punch Tepper right in the face? Definitely."
Buccaneers win, 23-20.
Miami @ Washington (+9½)
The Dolphins beat Tim Boyle and the hapless Jets 34-13 at MetLife Stadium in the NFL's first Black Friday game.
Let's be clear," Mike McDaniel said, "Tim Boyle is also hapless. If 'hap' is a trait you want in a quarterback, then the Jets' quarterback depth chart is totally devoid of 'hap.' Hence, hapless.
"Our quarterback, on the other hand, is not hapless, and now has cornrows. Does it make Tua Tagovailoa look tougher? Heck yeah. I can see Tua in prison ... as a fellow inmate's bitch."
The Cowboys smashed the Commanders 45-10 at AT&T Stadium on Thanksgiving. Washington surrendered 4 touchdown passes to Dak Prescott, and mustered only 1 touchdown, a Sam Howell rushing score. On Friday, defensive coordinator Jack Del Rio was fired.
"Let's face it," Ron Rivera said. "Our defense is terrible. If you don't believe that, then you don't know Jack.
"But seriously, what was Jack supposed to do? We traded away our two best defensive players; did I really expect our defense to get better? Now, I've got five games to turn this season around, and the same amount of time to pack my things."
Miami wins, 31-20.
Denver @ Houston (-3½)
The Broncos overwhelmed the visiting Browns 29-12. Denver dominated on the ground, rushing for 169 yards and 2 touchdowns as a team. The Broncos are 6-5 and now sit ninth in the conference standings.
"I think my low-risk offensive philosophy is working," Sean Payton said. "I'm not gonna let Russ cook, but I will let him make, say, a bowl of cereal.
"We still have some work to do if we're going to make the playoffs. And if we make the playoffs, look out, because we're capable of doing some damage ... to our own egos, when we get blown out by a division-winning playoff team."
The Texans lost 24-21 at home to the Jaguars. Matt Ammendola's 58-yard field goal attempt to send the game into overtime bounced off the crossbar and back onto the field, preserving Jacksonville's win.
"'Doink' was the sound you heard when the ball hit the crossbar," DeMeco Ryans said. "It was also the sound you heard when the Panthers made their first-round pick in 2023."
Texans win, 24-23.
Cleveland @ L.A. Rams (-4)
The Browns lost 29-12 to the Broncos in Denver, as 3 turnovers doomed the Browns. Cleveland also suffered a rash of injuries, with Myles Garrett, Dorian Thompson-Robinson, Amari Cooper, and Jordan Elliott all suffering injuries.
"This is a league of attrition," Kevin Stefanski said. "And that's why it was wise for us to sign Joe Flacco to the practice squad. At this point in his career, Joe's 40-time is about two years. That could be because he's 38-years-old, or it could be because he's really that slow."
The Rams blasted the Cardinals 37-14 at State Farm Stadium. Matthew Stafford passed for 4 touchdowns, and Kyren Williams, in his first game back from injury, had 204 total yards and 2 touchdowns.
"Matthew has the heart of the lion," Sean McVay said, "the tenacity of a badger, and the back of an invertebrate. I'm not at all saying Matthew is 'spineless'; his back is essentially made of dust at this point."
Rams win, 20-17.
San Francisco @ Philadelphia (+2½)
The 49ers routed the Seahawks 31-13 in Seattle led by Christian McCaffrey's 114 yards rushing and 2 rush TDs. San Fran improved to 8-3 and leads the Seahawks by two games in the NFC West.
"We're glad we have McCaffrey on our team," Kyle Shanahan said. "Of all the other teams in the NFL, and they're all heathens, only we can say we've got a 'good Christian' on our team."
The Eagles overcame a slow start and beat the visiting Bills 37-34 in overtime. Jalen Hurts' 12-yard TD run with 2:37 left in overtime won it for Philly. Hurts had 5 total touchdowns in the game.
"Jalen is a beast," Nick Sirianni said. "As I'm sure you've heard, he can squat over 600 pounds. As the Bills found out, he can also squat and take a big dump on opposing teams' hopes with just one play.
"This could very well be a preview of the NFC championship game. That is, unless Dallas crashes the party. But we all know the Cowboys don't crash parties, they just crash."
49ers win, 28-24.
Kansas City @ Green Bay (+6½)
The Chiefs bounced back from their loss to the Eagles with a 31-17 win over the Raiders at Allegiant Stadium. Patrick Mahomes passed for 298 yards and 2 touchdowns, as K.C. improved to 8-3.
"I'm ready to see what this 'Lambeau Mystique' is all about," Mahomes said. "I hear there's going to be a dusting of snow on Sunday night. Andy Reid's excited, as well. When he hears the word 'dusting,' he doesn't think 'snow' ... he thinks 'powdered donuts.'"
The Packers stunned the Lions 29-22 at Ford Field on Thanksgiving. Jordan Love passed for 3 touchdowns to put the Packers back in the playoff picture.
"Maybe Jordan won't be a four-time NFL MVP," Matt Lafleur said, "or win a Super Bowl, or spend way too much time in a sweat lodge doing hallucinogens, or allow doctors to perform radical Achilles surgery, yet have a big problem with a simple vaccination, but other than that, he's practically Aaron Rodgers.
"The Packers and Chiefs played in the very first Super Bowl. The game has really changed since then. Jordan, and Patrick Mahomes for that matter, have more athleticism in their taints than Len Dawson and Bart Starr had combined."
Chiefs win, 27-23.
Cincinnati @ Jacksonville (-5½)
Jacksonville beat the Texans 24-21 in Houston in a huge AFC South showdown. Trevor Lawrence passed for 364 yards, with 1 passing TD and 1 rush TD.
"Trevor made the transition from college football to pro football very well," Doug Pederson said. "He also made the transition from playing in 'Death Valley' to playing in 'Meth Valley' very well also."
The Bengals offense sputtered under the guidance of Jake Browning in a 16-10 loss at home to the Steelers.
"For now," Zac Taylor said, "Jake is our quarterback. And we're going to 'rally around' him. That pretty much means we're stuck with Jake in our huddle."
Jags win, 26-17.
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