Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Carolina @ Chicago (-3½)
The Bears lost 24-17 to the Saints at the Superdome. Tyson Bagent had 2 touchdownpasses, but had 4 turnovers.
"After some pretty good games," Matt Eberflus said, "Tyson really put the '2' in 'Division 2,' because he played like 'S.'
"We're extra motivated to beat the Panthers. We get their first round draft pick in 2024, so it behooves us to win this game. After that, it's back to business as usual, which in our case, is tanking."
The Colts manhandled the Panthers, 27-13, at Bank of America Stadium, as head coach Frank Reich faced his former team. Bryce Young struggled against the Colts defense, and threw 3 picks and was sacked 4 times.
"If I keep this up," Reich said, "the Panthers will also be my former team. Heck, if I keep this up, the NFL might be my former league.
"Bryce hopes to be just half the quarterback Cam Newton was. Bryce should start by putting on about 70 pounds, and expanding his wardrobe to include clown clothes."
Bears win, 26-15.
Indianapolis @ New England (+1)
The Patriots lost 20-17 to the visiting Commanders, as Washington scored the final 10 points of the game.
"Sam Howell outplayed Mac Jones," Bill Belichick said. "So, neither quarterback was impressive. We're now 2-7, last in the AFC East. It's not even winter in Foxboro, but we've already hit a 'new low.'
"I'm not sure who our quarterback will be in 2024. It could be Mac. There's a chance it won't be Mac. It could be Ryan Tannehill. It could be another free agent acquisition. Heck, there's a chance it could be your cousin from Boston. Whomever it is, one thing's for sure: I won't win a Super Bowl with him.
"Washington had just traded two big names from their defensive line. It looks like they're in rebuilding mode. So, what they're doing to their team is the opposite of what we do with a football against the Colts — blowing it up."
The Colts beat the Panthers 27-13 in Charlotte. Indy's defense dominated, intercepting Bryce Young 3 times and returning one for a touchdown.
"It was a great day for us," Shane Steichen said. "But the highlight of the day was afterwards, when Jim Irsay danced to a Meek Mill song in the locker room. Jim is a 13-year-old kid in a 64-year-old man's body that's been ravaged by decades of drug abuse. But he knows how to have fun. I think Rick James said it best in the song 'Superfreak' and in the quote 'Cocaine is a hell of a drug.'
"Luckily for us, this game is in Frankfurt, Germany and not Foxboro, Massachusetts, where New England's home-field advantage, especially against the Colts, is 'inflated.'"
Colts win, 21-17.
Houston @ Cincinnati (-7)
C.J. Stroud exploded for 470 yards passing and 5 touchdowns, as the Texans won a 39-37 shootout in Houston. Stroud's 470 yards are the most by a rookie in NFL history.
"C.J. has all the tools to be a Hall Of Fame quarterback," Demeco Ryans said. "He may not be Big Poppa Pump, but he is a genetic freak. And against the Bucs pathetic defense, he let his freak flag fly. They let their white flag fly."
The Bengals started strong and held on to beat the visiting Bills 24-18 on Sunday night. Joe Burrow passed for 348 yards and 2 touchdowns, as Cincy won their fourth consecutive game.
"We were 1-3 in our first four games," Burrow said. "During that period, our offense was as non-imaginative as the Bengals original helmets, which just had 'BENGALS' in plain block lettering on it. The creativity in those helmets can only be matched by the creativity in calling the Houston football team the 'Texans.'"
Bengals win, 30-20.
New Orleans @ Minnesota (+2½)
The Saints beat the Bears 24-17 at the Superdome, led by Taysom Hill, who had a passing TD, a receiving TD, and rushed for 52 yards.
"I'd like to say Taysom is like the Swiss Army Knife of the NFL," Dennis Allen said. "But Taysom doesn't have nearly as many tools, and none can open a bottle of wine, unless one of his tools is unlike anything I've ever seen.
"We're 5-4 and leading the NFC South, or, as it's commonly known, 'The Division That Will Definitely Have Only One Playoff Representative.'
"It feels like Derek and our receiving corps are finally on the same page. I talked to Chris Olave; he said you never want to be on a different page with your quarterback. Chris did, however, say he'd like to be on a different team than his quarterback."
The Vikings stunned the Falcons 31-28 at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, as new addition Joshua Dobbs was forced into early duty after starting QB Jaren Hall was knocked out of the game with a concussion in the first quarter. Dobbs responded with three total touchdowns, including the game-winning TD pass to Brandon Powell with 22 seconds left.
"If this is what Joshua does when thrust into a game unprepared," Kevin O'Connell said, "I can only imagine what he can do if he's mastered the entire playbook. It's the same thing the coaching staff in Arizona must wonder about Kyler Murray."
Vikings win, 24-22.
Green Bay @ Pittsburgh (-3)
The Steelers beat the Titans 20-16 on Thursday night in Pittsburgh. Kenny Pickett's 3-yard touchdown pass to Diontae Johnson with 4:02 left in the fourth quarter was the winning score. It was Johnson's first TD catch since 2021.
"It wasn't quite a 'walk-off' touchdown," Mike Tomlin said. "Actually, it was for George Dickens. If he's not careful, George is gonna get benched. Given George's maturity, that will be called 'baby-sitting.'
"Both of these teams are trying to find the replacements for two legends, Aaron Rodgers and Ben Roethlisberger. Those two will be in the Hall of Fame one day, where they'll headline the 'Hero on the Field, Douchebag Off It' wing in Canton."
The Packers beat the short-handed Rams 20-3 as Green Bay relied on its rushing game and defense to take the convincing win. The Packer ran the ball 38 times for 184 yards and 1 touchdown.
"Running the ball like that serves many purposes," Matt Lafleur said. "It controls the clock, and it helps protect your quarterback. I'm very concerned about the welfare of my quarterback, just as much as Brett Favre is about the welfare of the state of Mississippi.
"I still have confidence in Jordan Love. I've said it before and I'll say it again: 'Love is the Answer,' is my favorite song by American soft rock duo England Dan and John Ford Coley."
Steelers win, 23-17.
Tennessee @ Tampa Bay (-1)
The Titans lost 20-16 to the Steelers on Thursday night in Will Levis' first start at quarterback for Tennessee.
"Will looked solid," Mike Vrabel said. "Of course, you're not going to throw 4 touchdowns every game, or every three games, if you're Ryan Tannehill. This was certainly Will's coming out party, and definitely Ryan's going away party.
"To the surprise of no one, I named Will the starter going forward. If I had the capability, I would name him the starter going backward, and we might not be in last place in the AFC South."
The Bucs lost a 39-37 shootout to the Texans in Houston. Tampa was outgained 496 to 332, and surrendered 5 touchdown passes to CJ Stroud.
"After a 2-0 start," Baker Mayfield said, "we're 1-5 in our last six games. The pirate ship in the end zone at Raymond James Stadium is figuratively on its side. It's time to right that ship. And clean up the poop deck, because it's full."
Titans win, 20-17.
San Francisco @ Jacksonville (+3)
The 49ers return from a Week 9 bye hoping to end a three-game skid. San Fran boosted their pash rush by acquiring Chase Young in a trade with the Commanders.
"This isn't quite 'Robin Hood,'" Kyle Shanahan said. "It's actually 'Robbin' the Hood,' because the rich stole from that poor team based in that crime-riddled hellscape of the District of Columbia.
"Chase and Nick Bosa will team up to give us two very talented bookend defensive ends. As Ohio State student-athletes, 'bookend' is something they'd be quite unfamiliar with, because they never had to read a whole book."
The Jaguars had a Week 9 bye and have a two-game lead over the Texans in the AFC South.
"I think we play the game like Doug Pederson coaches," Trevor Lawrence said. "Always calm, cool, and collected. I don't think there's anything that can get Doug out of sorts, not even a call from Tyler from Spartanburg.
"If you haven't heard the story, my former college coach and professional windbag Dabo Swinney got his orange, purple, and white panties in a wad when a fan, Tyler from Spartanburg, called into a radio show and questioned Dabo's recent performance. Dabo has thin skin, a thick skull, and a huge ego inversely proportional to his tiny unit."
49ers win, 30-24.
Cleveland @ Baltimore (-6)
The Browns dominated the visiting Cardinals 27-0 at Cleveland Brown Stadium, as Cleveland's defense harassed rookie quarterback Claytone Tune into 3 turnovers, and sacked him 7 times. Deshaun Watson passed for 2 TDs for the Browns, who improved to 5-3.
"Deshaun showed a lot of toughness and grit just to be able to start," Kevin Stefanski said. "I guess you could say it was time for him to 'man up.' 'Man up' is a phrase Deshaun's been legally banned from using in any place where there may be a masseuse.
"Lamar Jackson presents an entirely different challenge than Clayton Tune did. The only thing Tune challenged was the absolute minimum quarterback rating."
The Ravens smashed the visiting Seahawks 37-3, led by a dominant rush game that piled up 298 yards and 3 touchdowns on the ground.
"Lamar has pretty much owned NFC teams," John Harbaugh said. "He's 17-1 in his career. Unfortunately, Lamar wouldn't be able to play an NFC team in the playoffs until the Super Bowl.
"We've won 4 in a row. I feel like we're unstoppable. I don't know if anything can stop our run, except the playoffs.
"Here's a quick public service announcement. I think it's important to know what's going on on your own sideline. I know my brother Jim may feign ignorance, but he's not feigning. He is ignorant."
Ravens win, 20-16.
Atlanta @ Arizona (even)
The Cardinals lost 27-0 in Cleveland in rookie Clayton Tune's first NFL start. Tune had 3 turnovers and was sacked 7 times.
"That's what you would call 'throwing a sacrificial lamb to the wolves, then giving said lamb a baptism by fire,'" Jonathan Gannon said. "If it would have been a baptism by water, Clayton would have been 'in over his head.'
"Luckily, Kyler Murray is ready to make his season debut. I'm excited. It's gonna be 'must-see TV,' which is kind of similar to 'mandatory film study.'"
The Falcons and double-talking head coach Arthur Smith lost 31-28 at Mercedes-Benz Superdome. Atlanta couldn't stop brand new Vikings quarterback Joshua Dobbs, who posted 3 TDs after taking over for Jaren Hall in the first quarter.
"Many people were wondering what took me so long to bench Desmond Ridder and start Taylor Heinicke," Arthur Smith said. "I attribute it to watching the Chiefs lay an egg in Denver in Week 8. That was all I needed to see before telling myself, 'Get me Taylor, swift!'
"I recently used the term 'toxic group think' to shift blame to the media for my invalid excuses on quarterback decisions. I say a lot of stupid things, so much that many call my mouth a 'toxic poop tank.' Ask me any question and I'll give you a short, flustered, smart-ass answer. And you can call it 'King Arthur's Curt.'"
Falcons win, 23-20.
Detroit @ L.A. Chargers (+1½)
The Lions return from their bye week at 6-2 and with a 2½-game lead over the Vikings in the NFC North.
"I like where we're at," Dan Campbell said. "We just had a bye week, we're headed to warm, sunny Los Angeles, and we'll have home-field advantage. Everybody knows Lions fans travel well. I'm not sure it has anything to do with us; I just think they want to get the hell out of Detroit."
The Chargers beat the Jets 27-6 at MetLife Stadium on Monday night. Austin Ekeler scored 2 TDs, and the L.A. defense sacked Zach Wilson 8 times and forced 3 Jet turnovers.
"I thought our defense looked great," Brandon Staley said. "Now, people may say 'Any defense looks great against the Jets offense.'
"The Lions will present quite a challenge. I don't think I've ever faced a head coach quite like Dan Campbell. By that, I mean I've never faced a head coach whose forearm has more girth than my neck."
Lions win, 31-24.
NY Giants @ Dallas (-16)
The Giants looked terrible in a 30-6 loss to the Raiders in Las Vegas. Daniel Jones, back from a neck injury, left the game early in the second quarter with a knee injury. The injury was later confirmed to be a season-ending torn ACL. Backup Tommy Devito was no match for the Vegas defense, which sacked him 6 times and intercepted him twice.
"Tommy is born and bred in New Jersey," Brian Daboll said. "And apparently, this 'Jersey Boy' is better suited to the Broadway stage than the NFL football field.
"I think our goal is to make this game closer than the last time we faced the Cowboys. It's an easily attainable goal, because even if we lose 35-0, we've still accomplished our goal."
The Cowboys lost 28-23 to the Eagles at Lincoln Financial Field, despite 374 yards passing and 3 touchdowns from Dak Prescott.
"This was a big game," Mike McCarthy said. "And we all know what the Cowboys do with the 'big one.' They either lose it, or suck it. Often both.
"I'm sure the Giants will be highly motivated to beat us. I mean, it's the Cowboys, in Dallas; it shouldn't be hard at all to get up for this. And I'm sure the G-Men will get up, with 'Big Deez' nuts."
Dallas wins, 29-7.
Washington @ Seattle (-6)
Washington beat the Patriots 20-17 at Gillette Stadium, as Sam Howell passed for 325 yards and 1 touchdown, while the Commanders defense preserved the lead with a late interception.
"We just traded Chase Young and Montez Sweat," Ron Rivera said. "People may ask, 'Why would you unload half of your defensive line?' That's an easy answer — to make it easier on our crappy offensive line in practice.
"In any case, I've lost arguably our two best players. But it doesn't stop there. From what I hear behind my back, I've lost the locker room."
The Seahawks were humbled 37-3 by the Ravens at M&T Bank Stadium. Seattle could only muster 151 yards of total offense, while the Ravens rumbled for 298 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"In the 'Battle of the Birds,'" Pete Carroll said, "we left Baltimore with our tailfeathers between our legs.
"We're going to go home, review the film, and determine exactly what we need to do differently. Or, we may just skip the film, assume we need to do everything differently, and get back to work."
Seahawks win, 30-17.
NY Jets @ Las Vegas (+2½)
With interim head coach Antonio Pierce calling the shots, the Raiders beat the Giants 30-3 at Allegiant Stadium.
"We easily controlled every facet of that game," Pierce said. "I think our fans set the tone for our performance. Just look what the crazy Raiders fans in the stands wore to the game. Those people are clearly insane, but their outfits? That's what you call 'dominating fashion.'
"I think if there's anything we've learned in the last two weeks, it's that when Davante Adams snaps his finger, things happen. He's like the Thanos of the NFL. We also learned that Josh McDaniels was fired just in time, right before a professional hit was called on him, funded by a pass-the-hat collection that probably took place while McDaniels was addressing the team at halftime of the loss to Detroit."
The Jets offense was practically non-existent in an embarrassing 27-6 home loss to the Chargers on Monday night. New York's offense moved the ball at times, but turnovers and penalties stifled their effectiveness.
"I'd rather talk about our defense," Robert Saleh said. "They kept us in the game in the face of insurmountable odds. 'Insurmountable odds' is what we call our offense.
"Aaron Rodgers' rehab is progressing very well. Aaron is actually throwing on the field before games. Here's the weird thing: watching our offense makes me sick. It has the opposite effect on Aaron-he watches our offense, and his health improves.
"I think Aaron may actually be able to return this year. That would simply be amazing. It would be amazingly funny if Aaron had to miss the game with COVID."
Jets win, 21-15.
Denver @ Buffalo (-6½)
The Broncos return from a Week 9 riding a 2-game winning streak and are 3-5, last in the AFC West.
"It may be a tiny one," Sean Payton said, "but it is a 'wave' of momentum nonetheless. And we're going to ride it for all it's worth, which will probably be an opening drive field goal in Buffalo on our way to a 31-13 loss."
The Bills lost 24-18 to the Bengals in Cincinnati on Sunday night. Buffalo dug themselves a 21-7 halftime hole, but couldn't escape despite the best efforts of Josh Allen.
"We can't expect Josh to carry this team all by himself," Sean McDermott said. "Or can we? I mean, he did play college ball in the state of Wyoming, where Buffalo carrying is a competitive sport.
"This is as close to a must-win game for us. We're currently out of the playoffs if the season were to end today. A loss to the 3-5 Broncos, at home no less, would be devastating. It would be a low mark at Highmark Stadium."
Buffalo wins, 31-13.
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