Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Chicago @ Washington (-7)
The Bears played by far their best game of the season, but came up short, losing 31-28 to the Broncos at Soldier Field. Justin Fields passed for 335 yards and 4 touchdowns in a losing effort.
"Should we have kicked a field goal instead of going for it on 4th-and-1?" Matt Eberflus said. "In hindsight, yes. In this organization, when a decision is analyzed in hindsight, it's always determined to be the wrong one. And bad coaching decisions are the result of bad hiring decisions. If this sounds like a farewell speech, it probably is, and either a week too early, or more likely, a week too late.
"I think Justin just needed a boost of confidence. It came in the form of a boot of confidence, which was merely a firm kick in the ass."
The Eagles edged the Commanders 34-31 in overtime, after Washington sent the game into overtime with a TD on the final play in regulation. The Commanders are 2-2, third in the NFC East.
"I'll tell you what I'm 'tired' of," Ron Rivera said. "Questions about me saying my team was tired. Should I have chosen to go for two points at the end of regulation? Yes. See, I can be 100% confident in a decision.
"Anyway, we have to be better on defense. We gave up over 400 yards of offense. I was a member of the 1985 Bears, so I know the importance of defense. And I happened to miss being part of the 'Super Bowl Shuffle,' so I know the importance of not embarrassing yourself.
Washington wins, 24-17.
Jacksonville @ Buffalo (-5½)
The Jaguars easily beat the Falcons 23-7 at Wembley Stadium, led by a defense that forced three Desmond Ridder touchdowns and sacked him 4 times.
"I hear Arthur Smith might revoke Ridder's starting job," Doug Pederson said, "and possibly his passport.
"It was a 'revenge' game for Calvin Ridley. The Falcons traded him away to us after he was suspended for gambling. But we welcomed him with open arms, and a closed betting window. And we were totally open to giving him everything he needed to succeed. Weirdly, Calvin asked for his own 'personal librarian.' I'm not sure what that's all about."
The Bills blasted the previously unbeaten Dolphins 48-20 at Highmark Stadium, where Josh Allen passed for 4 touchdowns, three to Stephon Diggs. Buffalo's defense bewildered Miami's offense, which scored 70 points the previous week.
"We put the brakes on the Dolphins offense," Doug McDermott said, "then beat those very brakes right off of them. It just goes to show that you can't anoint a team Super Bowl favorites after an impressive Week 4 win, just as you can't write off Josh Allen after he crapped the bed in Week 1. I think my point is this: please don't heap the praise on my team, lest you will regret it."
Bills win, 30-26.
Houston @ Atlanta (-1)
The Falcons lost 23-7 to the Jaguars at Wembley Stadium as Desmond Ridder struggled, suffering 3 turnovers and 4 sacks.
"I know a lot of people say my offensive philosophy is outdated," Arthur Smith said. "Those people are absolutely right. Why? Because I run the 'option' offense. Notice that 'option' is used in the singular form; that's because we have only one option. That being our run game.
"I'm not quite ready to give up on Desmond just yet. But to use a familiar idiom, 'He's skating on thin ice.' Adding to that, Desmond doesn't know how to skate."
The youthful Texans slammed the visiting Steelers, 30-6, led by the C.J. Stroud to Nico Collins connection, which accounted for 2 touchdowns. Houston is 2-2, along with every other AFC South team.
"C.J. has been impressive all season," Demeco Ryans said. "This may have been his coming out party. You could say he peeled back the 'curtain' on the Steelers defense."
Houston wins, 26-20.
Carolina @ Detroit (-9½)
The Lions overwhelmed the Packers 34-20 at Lambeau Field on Thursday night, led by David Montgomery, who rushed for 121 yards and 3 touchdowns on 31 carries. Detroit is 3-1 and alone at the top of the NFC North.
"David is such a tough guy," Dan Campbell said. "He runs hard. I think I deserve some of the credit for exactly why he runs so hard, because I always tell him 'Pretend you're running away from the Bears organizations.' Works every time.
"I think you saw that we have some pretty loyal fans, too. Among the Packers players and Lions fans, only one group showed up."
The Panthers lost a tight 21-13 contest to the Vikings at Bank of America Stadium. Bryce Young passed for 204 yards, but a third-quarter fumble, returned for a TD by the Vikes, helped seal Carolina's fate.
"We're 0-4," Frank Reich said. "But there's no need to panic. If anyone's qualified to say that, it's me. I quarterbacked the Bills back from a 35-3 deficit to beat the Oilers 41-38 back in 1993. I'm also qualified to say that if any team's gonna be down 32 points, it's us."
Lions win, 25-17.
Tennessee @ Indianapolis (-1½)
The Colts roared back from a 23-0 third quarter deficit against the visiting Rams to send the game into overtime. Anthony Richardson passed for 2 TDs and rushed for another, but Los Angeles scored a touchdown on the first possession of overtime to get the win, 29-23.
"I thought we showed a great deal of perseverance," Shane Steichen said. "I hesitate to use the word 'perseverance,' because it almost always means you lost.
"Anthony may be the most athletic quarterback in Colts history. He makes Peyton Manning look like his statue outside of Lucas Oil Stadium. He makes Matt Ryan look like a slower, less athletic version of that statue."
The Titans manhandled the visiting Bengals 27-3 in Nashville. Derrick Henry rushed for 122 yards and a touchdown, and also added a passing score.
"Derrick had 22 rushes," Mike Vrabel said, "and one pass attempt. That's 23 times in which he 'took the ball out of Ryan Tannehill's hands.' We want to continue to do that.
"All four teams in the AFC South are 2-2. The division is wide open. That's because the AFC South was recently voted by its peers as 'Most Likely to Have a 7-10 Division Winner.' It was also voted 'Least Likely Division to Have a Wild Card Team.'"
Colts win, 24-21.
NY Giants @ Miami (-9½)
Daniel Jones was sacked 10 times and turned the ball over three times in a deflating 24-3 loss to the Seahawks on Monday night at MetLife Stadium.
"Our showing set offenses back 10 years," Brian Daboll said, "and the Seattle defense back 10 years, as well, because we made them look like the Legion of Boom.
"We've got to figure out a way to slow this Miami offense. The easiest way to do that would be to have the Dolphins use our players, our coaching, and our schemes, and that offense comes to a screeching halt."
The Dolphins undefeated run came to a dramatic halt in Buffalo, where the Bills laid a 48-20 whipping on them. After a 14-14 first quarter, the Bills opened up a 31-14 halftime lead.
"We're not going to overreact to this loss," Mike McDaniel said. "I'm a pretty optimistic guy, so I choose to look at it this way: in the last two games, we lead the NFL in garbage time.
"Apparently, Vic Fangio's defensive game plan did not work. That's surprising, because Vic lives and breathes defense. Against the Bills, you could see clearly that Vic eats 'D's' as well."
Dolphins win, 31-13.
New Orleans @ New England (-1½)
The Cowboys walloped the Patriots 38-3 at AT&T Stadium, where Dallas forced 3 Mac Jones turnovers, 2 of which were returned for touchdowns.
"Tom Brady was the 'G.O.A.T.,'" Bill Belichick said. "Mac is making a pretty good case that he is also the 'G.O.A.T..' as in 'Grabber of a Testicle.' When you say a game will be won in the 'trenches,' Mac has a completely different idea about what that means.
"I benched Mac against the Cowboys, but he remains our starter. So, I would like to add 'a short leash' to the list of 'things around Mac's neck,' a list which also includes 'my two hands.'"
Derek Carr struggled in the Saints 26-9 home loss to the Buccaneers.
"Derek was severely limited by a sprained right throwing shoulder," Dennis Allen said. "Our offense was severely limited by Derek.
"I know people may question my coaching ability, but I worked under Sean Payton and Gregg Williams when they were in New Orleans. So, I learned how to do things both the right way, and especially the wrong way. Now, I'm not saying a bounty program is something I would organize to spark a fire under this team. I'm also not saying it isn't."
Patriots win, 20-15.
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (+4½)
The uninspired Steelers lost 30-6 to the upstart Texans at NRG Stadium. Houston lit up the Pittsburgh defense to the tune of 451 yards of total offense. Steelers quarterback Kenny Pickett was knocked out of the game in the third quarter with a knee injury.
"This was downright embarrassing," Mike Tomlin said. "After the game, I encouraged all my players to go home, look themselves in the mirror, and tell the person staring back at him that he's a piece of garbage.
"Kenny's gonna miss some time. In his absence, we'll look to Mitch Trubisky to lead us. Mitch has been here before, filling in for an injured quarterback. And the results speak for themselves."
The Ravens beat the Browns 28-3 to the Browns in Cleveland, who were without Deshaun Watson, who missed the game with a shoulder injury. Lamar Jackson powered the Ravens, with 3 total touchdowns.
"Dorian Thompson-Robinson didn't have much time to prepare for us," John Harbaugh said. "And neither did we for him. But that was plenty.
"Obviously, the Browns are a completely different team without Watson. For one thing, they are less perverted. And also, without Deshaun around, it's totally okay to play MC Hammer's 'U Can't Touch This,' over the PA system."
Ravens win, 22-19.
Philadelphia @ LA Rams (+4½)
The visiting Commanders pushed the Eagles to the limit before succumbing 34-31 in overtime. Jalen Hurts and A.J. Brown powered the Eagles attack with 2 long touchdown connections, as Philly remained undefeated.
"I like what our offense is doing," Nick Sirianni. "We're basically unstoppable. We're like the 'Lucy' to opposing defenses' 'Charlie Brown,' because we're gonna 'move the ball' on you every time.
"I think A.J. should be happy with the amount of action he's getting. Thank god, because the world doesn't need another 'Just Give Me the Damn Ball!' book. One was far too many. One Keyshawn Johnson is far too many."
Eagles win, 27-26.
Cincinnati @ Arizona (+4½)
The Titans manhandled the Bengals at Nissan Stadium, shutting down Cincy's offense in a 27-3 Tennessee win. Cincinnati is 1-3, last in the AFC North.
"This team has to do some serious soul searching," Zac Taylor said. "And when and if we find souls, we should immediately cash them in to Satan for a new leg for Joe Burrow.
"Joe is obviously bothered by his calf injury. He may not be playing like a champ, but at least he's dealing with this injury like one."
The Cardinals lost 35-16 to the 49ers at Levi's Stadium. Christian McCaffrey scored 4 times for San Fran as Arizona dropped to 1-3.
"The game was closer than the score indicated," Jonathan Gannon said. "If just a few plays would have gone our way, like four of them, then you're looking at a totally different score.
"Joshua Dobbs has been really impressive for us. Not only with his play on the field, but also with his work ethic. 'Work' and 'ethic' are two words Kyler Murray couldn't define, much less embody."
Arizona wins, 23-21.
NY Jets @ Denver (-2)
The Jets lost 23-20 to the visiting Chiefs, who benefitted from a questionable late pass interference call on Sauce Gardner to seal the win. Zach Wilson played well for the Jets, with 245 yards passing and 2 touchdowns.
"I think Zach is growing up right before our very eyes," Robert Saleh said. "At this rate of maturity, he may be dating an 80-year-old by the end of the season.
"As for that call, I think it's obvious the NFL wants the Chiefs in the Super Bowl. That call was total 'BS.' It was also total 'BiaS.'"
The Broncos overcame a 28-7 deficit in Chicago to beat the Bears 31-28 for their first win of the year. Russell Wilson passed for 3 touchdowns as Sean Payton picked up his first win as Denver's head coach.
"This is a good way to start the process of erasing a 70-20 defeat from our minds," Sean Payton said. "Recently, I've developed a certain distaste for marine mammals. And nothing makes me angrier than seeing a dolphin wearing a bucket hat. Now, if we go undefeated for the remainder of the season and win the Super Bowl, then I might be able to forget it.
"I'm gonna find Nathaniel Hackett after the game, look him in the eye, shake his hand, and tell him last year was one of the second worst coaching jobs in the history of the NFL."
Jets win, 28-13.
Kansas City @ Minnesota (+5½)
The Chiefs beat the Jets 23-20 despite the struggles of Patrick Mahomes, who threw 2 interceptions. But Mahomes had 51 yards on the ground, including a late scramble to seal the win.
"Sometimes," Mahomes said, "you've got to take what the defense gives you. But more importantly, you've got to take what the officials give you. So much for home-field advantage at MetLife Stadium. Instead of calling interference, the officials run interference.
"We're now 1-1 in games this season decided by three points or less. And we're now 1-0 in games decided by the officials."
Chiefs win, 31-28.
Dallas @ San Francisco (-3½)
The 49ers beat the visiting Cardinals 35-16 to run their record to 4-0. Christian McCaffrey scored 4 touchdowns, and racked up 177 total yards.
"What a game by Christian," Kyle Shanahan said. "And with a Cowboys/49ers contest coming up, let's put that performance in this perspective: Christian had more touchdowns than Deion Sanders has toes on his left foot.
"We're right where we need to be at this point of the season. You know it's October in the NFL when the 49ers are in first place, and/or Deebo Samuel is banged up."
The Cowboys swamped the visiting Patriots 38-3, and the Dallas defense authored another dominating performance. The Cowboys are 3-1, one game behind the Eagles in the NFC East.
"Mac Jones not only grabs balls," Mike McCarthy said. "He also sucks balls.
"And that brings me to the 49ers. It's going to be epic. Well, let me clarify. It's going to be epic for one team, and an epic fail for another. I'll leave it to you to decide which is which. Here's a clue: I'm the head coach of the Cowboys."
Dallas wins, 24-23.
Green Bay @ Las Vegas (+2)
The Lions pounded the Packers 34-20 on Thursday night at Lambeau Field. Detroit built a 27-3 halftime lead and cruised the rest of the way. Green Bay fell to 2-2.
"That first half was a total disaster," Matt LaFleur said. "It was the equivalent outcome had I ran into Dan Campbell in a back alley in Flint, Michigan. Then, to add insult to injury, he would have made me drink the water."
The Raiders, without Jimmy Garoppolo, lost 24-17 to the Chargers at SoFo Stadium. Rookie Aidan O'Connell started at quarterback for Las Vegas, and kept the Raiders in the game.
"It wasn't pretty," Josh McDaniels said, "but when compared to Jimmy G, it never is."
Raiders win, 27-24.
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