Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Detroit @ Green Bay (+1)
The Lions beat the Falcons 20-6 at Ford Field, rebounding from their Week 2 loss to the Seahawks. Detroit's defense limited Atlanta's vaunted rush attack to just 44 yards, while Jared Goff had 2 total touchdowns.
"We won the game in the trenches," Dan Campbell said. "This team is built in a lot of ways in my image. I'm not afraid to get down and dirty, and neither is my team. If need be, my guys are prepared to kick you in the teeth, or, if they want to kick it old school, right in the nuts."
The Packers overcame a 17-0 fourth quarter deficit to the visiting Saints, and stormed back to take an 18-17 win at Lambeau Field. Jordan Love had a passing TD and a rushing TD to lead the comeback.
"Jordan is playing out of this world," Matt LaFleur. "I think you can possibly make the case that maybe he is arguably the third best Packers quarterback in the last 30 years. And that's saying something."
Packers win, 25-22.
Atlanta @ Jacksonville (-3)
The struggling Jaguars were overwhelmed 37-17 by the Texans at NRG Stadium. Jacksonville is 1-2, tied with the Texans and Titans, one game behind the division-leading Colts.
"We just played terribly," Doug Pederson said. "Missed assignments, mistakes, dropped balls, etc. I'm not sure what happened to Calvin Ridley, but he had three drops. We keep track of that, you know. And to put in terms easily understood by Calvin, his drop measurement was +3.
"This franchise has played its share of games in London. So, for us, it will be essentially like a home game, because those rotten-toothed smiles of those British folk are pretty much the same as those of the meth-infested grins of our home fans."
The Falcons lost 20-6 to the Lions, who shut down the Atlanta rushing attack.
"When you take away our running game," Arthur Smith said, "you make our offense one dimensional. You know what else is one dimensional? My body.
"But really, can you even consider our passing game under Desmond Ridder as having a dimension? It's certainly not 3D. It's definitely not multi-dimensional. Ironically, though, it does suck multiple 'Ds."
Jaguars win, 24-23.
Miami @ Buffalo (-2½)
Tua Tagovailoa passed for 309 yards and 4 touchdowns, as the Dolphins demolished Russell Wilson and the Broncos, 70-20. Miami also piled up 350 yards on the ground with 5 rushing scores.
"Tua is seeing the field really well," Mike McDaniel said. "With the Broncos defense on the field, you can see all of it. Tua even threw a no-look shovel pass for one of his scores. The no-look theme was contagious, because by the end of the first half, Broncos fans had stopped watching.
"I hope the Broncos don't think we were running up the score. We weren't. And that shouldn't make Denver feel any better. In any case, it seems like Sean Payton was really upset with it all. Can Payton even do the job as head coach? I doubt it. I guess, as Denver's current head coach, Payton can't 'Hackett.'"
The Bills smashed the Commanders 37-3 at FedEx Field in D.C. Josh Allen had a passing score and a rushing TD, and the Buffalo defense forced 5 turnovers.
"Josh is at his best when he's out there playing like a gunslinger," Sean McDermott said. "Tua might be the latest QB to toss a no-look pass, but Josh has no interest in throwing no-look passes. Sometimes, he makes throws that afterwards, you'd swear he wasn't looking.
"I think we're going to find out a lot about the Dolphins. Let's see how special they are in Buffalo in late September. Or, better yet, let's see what they can do in Kansas City in late January."
Miami wins, 30-28.
Denver @ Chicago (+3½)
The Chiefs crushed the lowly Bears, 41-10, as Chicago's offense continued to sputter. Justin Fields was erratic as a passer, completing just 11-of-22 passes, but did rush for 47 yards.
"The last thing you want to do as a head coach is turn your quarterback into a robot," Matt Eberflus said. "That being said, if a robot had been available in the 2017 NFL draft, our front office would have selected that robot ahead of Patrick Mahomes."
The Broncos fell to 0-3 after an embarrassing 70-20 loss to the Dolphins at Hard Rock Stadium.
"If you're on the short end of a 70-20 score," Sean Payton said, "all you can say is 'Have mercy.' As I said, the game film was hard to watch. It was obscene. You could say it was LXX-rated.
"But frankly, I am embarrassed. And I should be. I know the criticism is coming, and it is deserved. So the best course of action for me at this point is to 'accept something that is undesirable but inevitable.' In other words, I'm offering my 'resignation.'
"Sure, it's a tough start to the season, and not the one I envisioned. But I told my team to keep fighting, because even though we're 0-3, we can still make the playoffs. Now, I would never say that in a court of law."
Broncos win, 25-22.
Baltimore @ Cleveland (-2½)
The Browns manhandled the Titans 27-3 in the Dawg Pound, led by their defense, which held Derrick Henry to just 20 yards on the ground. Deshaun Watson had his best game as a Brown, with 289 yards passing and 2 touchdowns.
"We definitely needed that from Deshaun," Kevin Stefanski said. "We're paying him $230 million. I think it's totally within my rights to ask Deshaun to do more. I mean, he seems to be perfectly okay asking people to do more."
The Colts stunned the Ravens 22-19 in overtime. Lamar Jackson rushed for 101 yards and 2 touchdowns in a losing effort.
"If we want to consider ourselves Super Bowl contenders," John Habaugh said, "we can't lose games to teams quarterbacked by Gardner Minshew II. Luckily for us, there's only one team quarterbacked by Minshew. But Minshew doesn't look like a quarterback. He looks like one half of a high-flying, baby face wrestling tag team from the 1980s."
Browns win, 27-24.
Cincinnati @ Tennessee (+2½)
The Bengals beat the visiting Rams 19-16 on Monday night in Cincinnati. Ja'Marr Chase had 12 catches for 141 yards, while the Cincy defense roughed up Matthew Stafford.
"Joe Burrow is still battling his nagging calf injury," Zac Taylor said. "And it appears it's going to be an ongoing injury. So Joe's gonna have to be careful. Team doctor's have suggested he tend to it as Andy Dalton would, and walk on it 'ginger-ly.'"
The Titans could get nothing going against the Cleveland defense in a 27-3 loss to the Browns in Cleveland. Tennessee fell to 1-2.
"My philosophy runs totally opposite to that of opposing defensive coordinators," Mike Vabel said, "because they're perfectly fine putting the game in the hands of Ryan Tannehill.
"Have I thought about replacing Ryan with Malik Willis? I've considered it. I'm gonna echo the words of Robert Saleh and say that Ryan gives us the best chance of winning ... a pretty darn high pick in the 2024 NFL draft."
Titans win, 21-19.
L.A. Rams @ Indianapolis (-1)
The Rams lost 19-16 to the Bengals on Monday night.
"Our game with the Colts is one that former Rams and Colts legend Marshall Faulk will be paying close attention to," Sean McVay said. "Probably because, like me, he's got money on the game. I kid. I don't bet on games. I mean, what coach wouldn't kick a field goal on the last play of the game, down 10, as 7½-point underdogs? All of them, except for Pete Rose, you say?"
The Colts stunned the Ravens 22-19 in overtime, winning on Matt Gay's 53-yard field goal with 1:09 left in overtime.
"That was one of four field goals of 50 yards or longer for Matt," Shane Steichen said. "His leg strength is phenomenal. I think he's earned the nickname 'Super Gay.'
"Gardner Minshew put our offense in position for those kicks. He's a gunslinger. There may not be another quarterback in the NFL like Gardner. In fact, I'm sure of that, because he's the only one I know that drives a souped-up riding lawn mower to work everyday."
Rams win, 27-24.
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans (-3)
The Eagles hammered the Bucs 25-11 on Monday night in Tampa. Baker Mayfield struggled against the aggressive Philly defense.
"Baker played above his pay grade in our first two games," Todd Bowles said. "But on Monday, that was not the case, so we're compensating him not in cash, but with a reality check.
"Now, it's not a Bucs-Saints battle until Mike Evans and Marcus Lattimore throw hands. The question is, will it happen before or after the coin flip?"
The Saints blew a 17-0 lead over the Packers, surrendering 18 points in the final 11:00 to lose 18-17 at Lambeau Field. New Orleans also lost Derek Carr to a shoulder injury suffered in the third quarter.
"If Derek can't play against the Bucs," Dennis Allen said, "we're confident in Jameis Winston's ability. Ability to do what, we're not sure."
Saints win, 20-18.
Washington @ Philadelphia (-8)
The Eagles beat the Buccaneers 25-11 on Monday night at Raymond James Stadium. Philly piled up 201 yards on the ground, and Jalen Hurts had a passing and a rushing score.
"Our offensive line really controlled the line of scrimmage," Nick Sirianni said. "Just as our defense looked across the line, saw Baker Mayfield, and felt very confident, our offensive line looked across the line and saw five Baker Mayfield's. Thus, their confidence flew through the roof."
The Bills demolished the Commanders 37-3 at FedEx Field. Sam Howell was picked off four times by the Bills defense, who also added a fumble recovery.
"Sam was also sacked nine times," Ron Rivera said. "That's more than I had in my career with the Bears. I think the lesson to learn here for Sam is that I was a mediocre linebacker. And also, get rid of the ball sooner."
Eagles win, 31-17.
Minnesota @ Carolina (+3½)
The Panthers, without rookie quarterback Bryce Young, lost 37-27 at Seattle, who pulled away in the second half to break open a close game. Carolina is 0-3, last in the NFC South.
"It's never too late to turn a season around," Frank Reich said. "The fact that I'm saying that in September makes me question the validity of what I just said."
The Vikings lost 28-24 to the visiting Chargers in a battle of 0-2 teams. Kirk Cousins passed for 367 yards and 3 TDs, but was intercepted in the Chargers end zone on a tipped pass with 12 seconds left in the game.
"Kirk has really been lighting up opposing defenses," Kevin O'Connell said. "If not the Vikings, then some other team's gonna pay him big bucks to win about 60% of regular season games for them."
Vikings win, 27-26.
Pittsburgh @ Houston (+3)
C.J. Stroud passed for 280 yards and 2 touchdowns to lead the Texans to a 37-17 upset of the visiting Jaguars.
"C.J. is a star in the making.," Demeco Ryans said. "He's an Ohio State alum. He's kind of like Justin Fields, just with good coaching, accuracy, an offensive line, confidence, a pro-active front office, people that care about his well-being, and a defense."
The Steelers knocked off the Raiders 23-15 on Sunday night at Allegiant Stadium. Pittsburgh sacked Jimmy Garoppolo 5 times and intercepted him 5 times.
"Our defense has been outstanding this season," Mike Tomlin said. "And T.J. Watt has been carrying this team. I wish he could pick up our offense and carry it to the end zone."
Steelers win, 24-20.
Las Vegas @ L.A. Chargers (-5½)
Keenan Allen had 18 receptions for 215 yards and tossed a 49-yard TD pass to Mike Williams, as the Chargers knocked off the Vikings 28-24 at U.S. Bank Stadium. Justin Herbert passed for 405 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Keenan and Justin Herbert were outstanding," Brandon Staley said. "But the real star was our defense. They saved the game with an interception in the end zone. More importantly, they saved me from having to answer for a failed fourth down conversion attempt in our own territory. But I'm happy to answer questions. Everyone knows I'm known for attempting bold fourth down attempts. I'm known even more for not converting them.
"I'm sure SoFi Stadium will be overrun by thousands of Raiders fans and their associated stenches. That may be why you'll see our hoity-toity fans with their noses in the air."
The Raiders lost 23-18 to the visiting Steelers, as a late comeback came up short due in part to some questionable decisions by head coach Josh McDaniels.
"What kind of head coach kicks a field goal, down eight points, with under three minutes left in the game?" McDaniels said. "Me, that's who. In hindsight, maybe it was an unwise decision. But didn't I look sure about it at the time? One thing you can't say about me is that I'm not decisive. Just ask the Indianapolis Colts.
"But let's not let my dumb decision making distract us from the real issue: what is on Hunter Renfro's laptop? Am I doing this right?"
Chargers win, 27-24.
New England @ Dallas (-7)
The Patriots vanquished the Jets 15-10 in a dogfight at MetLife Stadium, as New England triumphed for the 15th-straight time over their AFC East rivals.
"The intensity was palpable," Bill Belichick said, "as well as the offensive ineptitude. If this game could be described in clothing, it would be my wardrobe.
"Jerry Jones and Robert Kraft and two of the wealthiest owners in the NFL. They can buy pretty much anything they want, like silence, or favors, or innocence, or political favors, or security video footage. Do they sell anything? Just their souls."
The Cardinals stunned the Cowboys 28-16 at State Farm Stadium, sending Dallas home with its first defeat. Arizona ran right at Dallas, piling up 222 yards and 2 rush scores on the ground.
"That game wasn't as close as the score indicated," Mike McCarthy said. "And we're not as close to being a Super Bowl contender as our first two games indicated.
"Luckily, we can't dwell on this loss. We don't have time to. That's not always the case. Usually, when we lose to a team we're not supposed to, we have a full off-season to get over it."
Dallas wins, 23-20.
Arizona @ San Francisco (-14)
The Cardinals upset the visiting Cowboys, 28-16, spurred by a strong run game and a defense that frustrated Dak Prescott.
"Let's not discount what Joshua Dobbs is doing," Jonathan Gannon said. "He's doing things just as well as Kyler Murray. One of the things that Joshua and Kyler do equally well is make Kyler irrelevant.
"Kyler is pretty close to making his way back in the lineup. So, I guess he's ready to shed that sports bra for some shoulder pads. To be clear, that would be football shoulder pads, and not the ones you'd find in the blouse of a lady's pants suit. Kyler is a fashion icon. And also a fashion i-sore."
San Fran wins, 32-20.
Kansas City @ NY Jets (+9)
The Chiefs rode Patrick Mahomes' arm to a commanding 41-10 win over the visiting Bears. Mahomes passed for 272 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"I don't think the Bears defense was very motivated," Mahomes said. "If you're looking for resistance from anything Bears related, it would be the organizations resistance to change.
"New York's gonna be in for a treat. Finally, a Super Bowl caliber team will appear in MetLife Stadium."
The Jets fell to 1-2, losing 15-10 to the Patriots at MetLife Stadium. Zach Wilson continued to struggle.
"Are we still in the market for a quarterback?" Robert Saleh. "With respect to Zach, I'll answer like this: currently, the real 'Hard Knocks' are from us, on the doors of veteran free agent quarterbacks. And what do you know, we just signed Trevor Siemian. The sad part is, the mere addition of Trevor vastly improves our quarterback situation."
Chiefs win, 26-12.
Seattle @ NY Giants (-1)
The Giants lost 30-12 to the 49ers at Levi's Stadium on Thursday night. New York's offense was shut down by the 49ers defense, which held them to just 166 yards of total offense.
"That was an anemic performance by our offense," Brian Daboll said. "That may explain why the 49ers' defense was so bloodthirsty."
The Seahawks beat the Panthers 37-27, led by a rushing attack that generated 146 yards and 2 scores.
"This matchup with the Giants," said Pete Carroll, "should be the poster child for why Week 4 Monday night games should be flexed."
Seattle wins, 27-23.
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