Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Tennessee @ Green Bay (-3½)
The Titans beat the visiting Broncos 17-10 as Ryan Tannehill passed for 2 touchdowns. Tennessee improved to 6-3 and leads the AFC South by 2 games on the Colts.
"Ryan brings something that Malik Willis doesn't," Mike Vrabel said, "and that's completions.
"The Broncos made sure that Derrick Henry didn't beat them. But this isn't a one-man team; we have other players that can beat you. Or maybe just one. Anyway, not everyone can be 'King;' but at least someone other than Derrick can be 'king for a day.'"
The Packers upset the Cowboys 31-28 in overtime at Lambeau Field. Aaron Rodgers connected with Christian Watson for 3 touchdowns, and Mason Crosby's 28-yard field goal won it in overtime.
"Christian was apparently on a crusade," Rodgers said. "And he certainly found all the 'hole-y' sites in the Cowboys defense.
"Maybe this will be the win that turns our season around. I know that's an extremely optimistic outlook, because when you're 4-6, it's definitely gonna take more than one win to turn our season around."
Packers win, 20-17.
Chicago @ Atlanta (-3½)
The Falcons lost 25-15 to the Panthers on Thursday night at Bank of America Stadium. Carolina rushed for 232 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"The Panthers rushed 47 times for 232 yards," Arthur Smith said. "They beat us at our own game, which is taking our quarterback, and our opponent's, out of the game.
"I've been told I have a tight end named Kyle Pitts who is a freak of nature. They tell me his catch radius is huge. But I think he needs to expand it even further. You know, outside of Atlanta, where quarterbacks exist who can actually throw him accurate passes."
The Bears blew a 24-10 third quarter lead and eventually lost 31-30 to the visiting Lions. Justin Fields accounted for 314 total yards and 4 touchdowns.
"Justin is a defense's worst nightmare," Matt Eberflus said. "Our defense? It's something a defensive coordinator wouldn't dream of having.
"Justin is playing like 'Superman.' So, while Justin has an 'S' on his chest, our defense just needs to find their 'S,' and get it together."
Falcons win, 28-22.
Cleveland @ Buffalo (-9½)
The Vikings stunned the Bills 33-30 in overtime in Buffalo in an instant classic at Highmark Stadium. Josh Allen threw for 330 yards and a score, but had 3 crucial turnovers.
"That was such a huge game for both teams," Doug McDermott said. "The Vikes wanted to come here and prove themselves against the AFC's best. It was like their Super Bowl, and ours apparently, because we lost.
"I think you'll see the Bills Mafia busting through tables as per usual, but with the Browns coming to town, they'll just substitute their usual tables with massage tables."
The Browns gave up nearly 500 yards of offense to the Dolphins, who smoked Cleveland 39-17 at Hard Rock Stadium. The Browns are 3-6, tied with the Steelers for last in the AFC North.
"Despite the name of Miami's home field," Kevin Stefanski said, "I think it's easy to see that it's not 'hard' to 'rock' our defense.
"But Deshaun Watson's debut for the Browns is fast approaching. That means certain members of our training staff are fast retreating.
"Deshaun is eligible to play on December 4th. That's when we play his former team, the Texans, in Houston. Ironically, that very day is 'National Positive Role Model Day.' Hopefully, Texans fans will be respectful and not boo their former franchise quarterback. If they do it anyway, Deshaun is perfectly willing and capable of buying their silence."
Bills win, 31-17.
Philadelphia @ Indianapolis (+7½)
After only 3 turnovers in their first 8 games, the Eagles committed 4 in a 32-21 loss to the visiting Commanders on Monday night. The loss was the first for the Eagles of the season, and they lead the NFC East by one game over the 7-2 Giants.
"The Commanders certainly were the more physical team," Nick Sirianni said. "They came to our home with an attitude, and forcefully took our will, our unbeaten record, and Dallas Goedert's face-mask.
"Losing a game like this shows you just how quickly you can go from unbeaten to beaten. It's here one minute, and gone the next. Kind of like A.J. Brown."
Jonathan Taylor rushed for 147 yards and a touchdown as the Colts beat the Raiders 25-20 in Jeff Saturday's debut as head coach.
"I think you saw some of my first executive decisions were reinstating Matt Ryan as quarterback and sending Sam Ehlinger to Siberia," Saturday said. "That probably was a surprise to Jim Irsay, but he needs to understand that I refuse to toe the company line. But don't worry, I'll have Jim seeing things my way soon. If I can get Jim to drink the Kool-Aid, then his pills will go down so much more smoothly.
"Matt responded with one of his best games, and even rushed for 39 yards. Matt's been accused of suffering from the affliction known as 'rigor mortis.' I think he proved that it's actually 'functional rigor mortis.'"
Eagles win, 27-23.
NY Jets @ New England (-2½)
The Patriots had a Week 10 bye and are 5-4 in the AFC East, in last place but only 1½ games out of first place.
"If you happen to hear an 'Offense' chant in Gillette Stadium," Bill Belichick said, "it could be coming from two sources: our fans, and/or our defense.
"But the bye week gave us extra time to work on offensive execution. And I think you'll see that work come to fruition when we kick another 28-yard field goal."
The Jets also emerge from a bye week looking to build on their Week 8 win over the Bills. New York is 6-3, tied with Buffalo in the AFC East.
"With our win over the Bills in Week 8," Robert Saleh said, "we actually lead the East. And it's a good feeling. 'I like it on top' ... is a phrase I sometimes hear when I eavesdrop on Zach Wilson's phone conversations."
Patriots win, 22-14.
L.A. Rams @ New Orleans (-3½)
The Rams fell to 3-6 after losing 27-17 to the visiting Cardinals at SoFi Stadium. Los Angeles was without Matthew Stafford, who was out with a concussion.
"This team went from offensive juggernaut in 2021," Sean McVay said, "to offensive 'jugger-naught' in 2022. But I feel confident we can turn our season around. But I want my guys to focus on just this game, and not worry about the playoffs. To drive that point home, I brought in Jim Mora, Sr. to present his viewpoint on our playoff chances.
"As if things couldn't get any worse, Cooper Kupp further injured his right ankle, and is now on injured reserve after having surgery. That means I'm gonna have to coach my tail off, as well as work up the nerve to go and ask our defense if they can do even more."
The Saints lost 20-10 to the Steelers in Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh held the Saints to just 186 total yards, and New Orleans fell to 3-7.
"I think the Steelers are very familiar with Andy Dalton," Dennis Allen said. "Unfortunately, so are we."
The Rams defense forces 4 turnovers, and L.A. cruises to a 24-14 win.
Detroit @ NY Giants (-3½)
Daniel Jones passed for 2 scores, and Saquon Barkley rushed for 152 and a score, as the Giants beat the visiting Texans, 24-16.
"We gave Saquon the 'Deshaun Watson treatment,'" Brian Daboll said, "because he had 36 touches.
"Daniel played very well. He may be playing the best ball of his career. Not only does Daniel possess the same athleticism, he also possesses the looks of the mythical Chad Powers."
The Lions beat the Bears 31-30 at Soldier Field despite a huge day from Justin Fields. Detroit scored 21 points in the fourth quarter to erase a 24-10 deficit, and the Lions have won two in a row.
"I know a franchise quarterback when I see one," Dan Campbell said, "and when I don't. I'm very used to not seeing one."
Giants win, 27-24.
Carolina @ Baltimore (-12½)
The Panthers avenged their Week 8 loss to the Falcons with a 25-15 win over Atlanta on Thursday night in Charlotte. D'onta Foreman rushed for 130 yards and a touchdown, as the Panthers controlled the game and clock on the ground.
"We wore our all-black uniforms against the Falcons," Steve Wilkes said. "I'm guessing the next 'Black Out' happens when the Panthers don't hire me for the head coaching job, and instead hire a less-qualified white person.
"Baker Mayfield will be starting at Baltimore. Baker's very familiar with the Ravens defense from his years in Cleveland. So familiar, the Ravens defense might even call Baker a friend. Heck, Baker sometimes goes so far as to gift wrap interceptions."
Baltimore wins, 23-14.
Washington @ Houston (+2½)
The Texans lost 24-16 to the Giants at MetLife Stadium and dropped to 1-7-1.
"We have loads of draft picks coming in the next two drafts," Lovie Smith said. "I just hope I'm still around to see them. I spent 2016-2019 coaching the University Of Illinois, so I feel quite qualified in evaluating college-level talent. And let me tell you, we have it right now.
"Now, anytime you have the league's worst record, the question of 'tanking' comes into play. Let me assure you, we have no intention of losing on purpose. Why would we, when we're so damn good at doing it by accident."
The Commanders shocked the undefeated Eagles 32-21 on Monday night in Philadelphia. Washington rushed for 152 yards and 2 TDs and forced four Philly turnovers.
"I think we won the battle in the trenches," Ron Rivera said. "Much like Daniel Snyder's not afraid to get dirt on other owners, we weren't afraid to get dirt on our uniforms."
Houston wins, 23-21.
Las Vegas @ Denver (-2½)
Denver's offense managed only 10 points in a 17-10 loss to the Titans in Nashville. The Broncos have lost five of their last six and are 3-6.
"There's a popular old saying," Nathaniel Hackett said. "'Defense wins championships.' There's a new saying here in Denver, and that's "our offense loses games.'
"But I love our chances against the Raiders. They're in a big time slump, and the altitude here in Denver gives us even more of a home-field advantage. So, you can add 'wind' to the long list of things the Raiders 'suck' at."
The Raiders lost their third straight game, falling 25-20 to the visiting Colts. It was Las Vegas' third straight loss, prompting fans at Allegiant Stadium to boo them off the field.
"What's worse," Derek Carr said, "they also booed us on the field.
"I think we're all tired of losing. If you saw my post-game press conference, then you saw how emotional I was talking about it. I was even more emotional crying about it."
Broncos win, 23-20.
Dallas @ Minnesota (+½)
The Cowboys squandered a 28-14 lead in the fourth quarter and lost 31-28 to the Packers in overtime at Lambeau Field. It was Mike McCarthy's first game in Green Bay since he was fired as Packers head coach in 2018.
"I showed up to Lambeau Field in a vintage Vince Lombardi overcoat," McCarthy said. "And it's a good thing I did, because I 'lost my pants' when I decided not to kick a field goal in overtime.
"You can't have a Dallas/Minnesota game without talking about Herschel Walker. You can't talk about Herschel Walker without laughing. And you can't talk to Herschel Walker without a translator."
The Vikings shocked the Bills 33-30 in Buffalo in overtime in a wild, back-and-forth contest. Justin Jefferson had 10 catches for 193 yards and a touchdown, and the Minnesota defense scored a crucial TD on a Josh Allen fumble.
"I wouldn't be able to do what I do If I didn't have Kirk Cousins throwing to me," Jefferson said. "I'd be able to do more.
Cowboys win, 31-28.
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh (+4½)
The Steelers defense held the Saints to 186 yards of total offense in a 20-10 Pittsburgh win at Acrisure Stadium. The effort marked the return of defensive end T.J. Watt, who missed the last 7 games with a pectoral injury.
"Bengals/Steelers is one of the most heated rivalries in all of the NFL," Mike Tomlin said. "We all remember the days when Vontaze Burfict was trying to take Antonio Brown's head off. But where are those fools now? Nobody's seen anything of Burfict; we've all seen too much of Brown."
Bengals win, 27-23.
Kansas City @ L.A. Chargers (+6½)
The Chiefs beat the visiting Jaguars 27-17 as Patrick Mahomes passed for 331 yards and 4 touchdowns to four different receivers.
"I feel fortunate," Mahomes said. "Unlike Aaron Rodgers, I actually have four different receivers to throw to."
The Chargers lost 22-16 at San Francisco on Sunday night, as Los Angeles went scoreless in the second half after holding a 16-10 lead at halftime.
"If you want to talk about showing up for half a game," Justin Herbert said, "then you should take a look at our fans at SoFi Stadium."
Chiefs win, 31-30.San Francisco vs Arizona (+7½)
The 49ers beat the Chargers 22-16 on Sunday night as the San Fran defense pitched a second half shutout to secure the win. The 49ers are 5-4, behind the 6-4 Seahawks, who lead the NFC West.
"Our defense is dominant," Kyle Shanahan. "They're like a safety net both for our offense, which can't score TD's in the red zone, and for me, the coach who can't figure out a solution for that problem.
"Now, on offense, we have some questions that need addressing. The most glaring is this: 'who is the worst game manager? Jimmy Garoppolo, or me?'"
The Cardinals, without Kyler Murray, beat the Rams 27-17 in Los Angeles. Colt McCoy passed for a touchdown in place of Murray, and James Conner rushed for 2 scores.
"Colt is a great backup," Kliff Kingsbury said. "I know he can be ready at a moment's notice. Colt always puts in the time to make sure he's prepared. Heck, he does more before 6:00 AM than Kyler Murray does after 6:00 AM."
49ers win, 23-17.
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