Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
New Orleans @ Arizona (-1½)
The Saints led for most of the game against the visiting Bengals, but faltered in the final quarter and lost, 30-26. New Orleans fell to 2-4.
"'We came up short,'" Dennis Allen said, "is something you could say about Kyler Murray when he slides, studies, or stands up straight.
"Jameis Winston is healthy and is scheduled to play on Thursday. We're hoping Jameis can give this team a boost. Let me rephrase that. We're hoping Jameis can give this team a lift. Well, let me try again with a word that's not synonymous with 'steal.'"
Kyler Murray struggled against the Seahawks defense in a 19-9 Cardinals loss in Seattle. Murray was sacked 6 times and had 2 turnovers and no touchdowns.
"Seattle was the lowest-ranked defense in the league coming into that game," Kliff Kingsbury said. "So, I'll leave it up to you to decide who did their homework.
"It's never easy preparing for a game on a short week, especially if you're Kyler. If you think it's difficult for him to find four hours in a full week, imagine Kyler doing that in a short week. I mean, they don't call Kyler the 'Human Joystick' for nothing."
Saints win, 25-23.
Atlanta @ Cincinnati (-6)
The Falcons upset the injury-plagued 49ers 28-14 as Marcus Mariota accounted for 3 touchdowns, 2 through the air. Atlanta is 3-3 and right in the thick of the race in the NFC South.
"I proved everyone wrong," Arthur Smith said. "I can let Marcus 'cook.' But as you can see by the number of passes I let him throw, he is a short order cook.
"In related Georgia news, former University of Georgia legend Herschel Walker is running for Senate. Walker may be the only NFL player who donated his brain for CTE study and had it returned to him."
Joe Burrow's 60-yard bomb to Ja'Marr Chase with 1:57 left in the game gave the Bengals a 30-26 win over the Saints in New Orleans.
"I think most people can agree that was a great call," Zac Taylor said. "And all people can agree I didn't make it."
Bengals win, 27-24.
Detroit @ Dallas (-7)
The Lions return from their Week 6 bye with a 1-4 record, last in the NFC North and the second-worst record in the NFL to the Panthers.
"Speaking of the Panthers," Dan Campbell said, "some have compared me to the recently-fired Matt Rhule. They say as coaching effectiveness goes, I'm basically Matt Rhule, but just with a lower BMI.
"But we're feeling refreshed after a much-needed bye week. And we're ready to pick up right where we left off, which was being shut out 29-0 by the Patriots.
"Sure, our 1-4 record says we're struggling, but I believe our future is bright. Lions management has assured me that they are committed to spending money to make this team better. They've also assured me that spending could be to buy out my contract."
The Cowboys fell behind 20-0 to the Eagles on Sunday night, but stormed back in the second half before eventually falling 26-17. Cooper Rush threw 3 interceptions.
"Up until this game," Mike McCarthy said, "Cooper had silenced his critics. With his performance in this game, he silenced Jerry Jones, which is something that heretofore had been impossible to do."
Indianapolis @ Tennessee (-2½)
The Titans had a Week 6 bye and lead the AFC South with a 3-2 record, a half-game ahead of the Colts at 3-2-1.
"After an early case of whiskey dick," Mike Vrabel said, "we've won three straight games. Our offense is clicking, and our defense has stiffened. Plus, we have a deal in place for a new $2.2 billion domed stadium. It's gonna look good when it's done, or should I say, it will be 'pretty erect.'"
Matt Ryan passed for 389 yards and 3 touchdowns as the Colts beat the Jaguars 34-27 at Lucas Oil Stadium. Ryan attempted 58 passes and completed 42.
"My right arm feels like it's about to fall off," Ryan said. "In our first 5 games, it only looked that way.
"We may be the best 3-2-1 team in the league. And also the worst. And also the only. And if there's another result besides a win, loss, or tie to be found, we are the team to do it."
Colts win, 24-21.
Green Bay @ Washington (+5½)
The Commanders beat the Bears 12-7 in Chicago on Thursday night, led by a defense that kept the Bears out of the end zone in three trips to the red zone. Washington improved to 2-4.
"Our defense makes me proud," Ron Rivera said. "When I watch them play, it inspires me ... to be more defensive in my interactions with the media.
"Carson Wentz had surgery on a fractured finger he suffered against the Bears. It's his right ring finger, and with the significant swelling due to the surgery, it's gonna be downright impossible to get any ring on that finger, much less a Super Bowl ring."
The Jets throttled the Packers 27-10 at Lambeau Field as Aaron Rodgers was sacked 4 times and lost a fumble that the Jets picked up and returned for a touchdown.
"I'm a quarterback who's not afraid to take accountability for his actions," Rodgers said. "If there's one thing I need to redirect, it's not welfare funds from the state of Mississippi, it's my focus. I need to improve my ball security. I may be guilty of 'greased palms,' but just my own."
Packers win, 26-16.
Tampa Bay @ Carolina (+10½)
The Panthers began the post-Matt Rhule era with a 24-10 to the Rams at SoFi Stadium. Carolina generated almost no offense, and the team's only touchdown came on an interception return.
"First of all," Steve Wilkes said, "let's have a moment of silence for Matt. That moment of silence was also the case when management said, 'If anyone has any objection to Rhule's firing, please speak now.'
"I had to kick Robbie Anderson out of the game against the Rams. If you think Jalen Hurts has leg strength, you haven't been paying attention, because I just kicked Robbie all the way to Glendale, Arizona."
The Steelers shocked the Buccaneers 20-18 in Pittsburgh as Tom Brady was harassed all day by the Steelers pass rush.
"My offensive line just had a bad day," Brady said. "They let me down. And, I'm Tom Brady; I expect my offensive linemen to 'let me down' just like I expect opposing defenders to let me down — easy.
"If you think my struggles are because of my age, you're wrong. I'm not showing my age, but my QBR is. Everybody experiences the well-known mid-life crisis. I'm also going through a 'rid-wife' crisis."
Buccaneers win, 27-12.
NY Giants @ Jacksonville (-3)
The Giants shocked the Ravens 24-20, rallying from a 10-point fourth quarter deficit to improve to 5-1 on the season.
"My predecessor was Joe Judge," Brian Daboll said. "Unfortunately, he was and is part of this team's storied past. So, you can say, 'Joe Judge is history.' But that statement became so much more meaningful when it was spoken by Giants management back on January 11, 2022 when they fired Judge.
"Tom Coughlin coached both of these teams to some of their finer moments. So, they might as well call this game the 'Tom Coughlin Bowl,' and no matter the outcome, both teams get chewed out."
The struggling Jaguars lost their third straight, as a disastrous defensive performance led to a 34-27 loss at Indianapolis. Jacksonville is 2-4.
"There's an old saying here is Jacksonville," Doug Pederson said. "It goes like this: 'When the going gets tough, some Jaguars head coaches go sit in a bar and let a strange woman grind their crotch.' But not me. I just skip the bar part."
Giants win, 24-21.
Cleveland @ Baltimore (-6½)
The Browns were overwhelmed at home 38-15 by New England, as the Pats shut down Nick Chubb and the Cleveland rushing attack. The Browns fell to 2-4, only one game behind the 3-3 Ravens and Bengals.
"That's why Bill Belichick is so great," Kevin Stefanski said. "He took a third-string quarterback, Bailey Zappe, and whipped us with him. So, I now know what it's like to be 'Zappe'd.' Deshaun Watson could have felt the same thing, but only if all those masseuses would have been equipped with cattle prods.
"Myles Garrett broke the Browns career sack mark on Sunday, passing Clay Matthews. Myles has always been motivated to achieve that mark. You could say 'he was driven,' mostly because his license has been revoked."
Lamar Jackson's late interception resulted in Saquan Barkley's short TD run, giving the Giants a 24-20 win over the Ravens at MetLife Stadium.
"We're letting too many fourth quarter leads slip away," John Harbaugh said. "By 'too many,' I mean all of them.
"With our defense struggling, we're gonna have to put up some points in Cleveland. Little-known fact: the Browns lead the league in 'defense,' but only because Deshaun Watson is there."
Ravens win, 27-24.
NY Jets @ Denver (-3)
Denver's offense again sputtered, and a late muffed punt in overtime led to a 19-16 loss to the Chargers at SoFi Stadium.
"In the meantime," Nathaniel Hackett said, "our defense is playing lights-out. They're big, fast, and they create a ton of pressure, mostly on themselves to score points because our offense can't.
"Russell Wilson now has a hamstring injury to go along with his torn lat. I'm sure Russ' faith will get him through the hard times. Or will it? Russell sure mentions the Lord a lot, but nothing about him changes. So he's guilty of using the Lord's name in vain."
The Jets rushed for 179 yards and 2 TDs and bulldozed the Packers 27-10 at Lambeau Field. The Jets are 4-2, tied with the Bills for first in the AFC East.
"We took a bite out of the 'Lambeau Mystique,'" Robert Saleh said, "and spit it out. It tastes like stale cheese, aka the Packers 2022 offense.
"I know he's young, but I'll take my 'Wilson,' Zach, over Denver's 'Wilson,' Russell. Despite their age difference, they actually have some things in common. Zach has a thing for mothers, while Russell has a thing for the 'Father.' Russell quotes the Bible; Zach quotes 'American Pie.' And they're both struggling quarterbacks."
Jets win, 19-17.
Houston @ Las Vegas (-7)
The Raiders had a Week 7 bye and return to action with a 1-4 record, last in the AFC West.
"It's been an extremely frustrating season," Derek Carr said. "Frustration is probably why Davante Adams pushed that photographer. That's really out of character for Davante, but totally in character for a Raiders player. Can you imagine if Davante would have played for the Raiders of the 1980s? Hell, back then, they pushed people off cliffs."
Raiders win, 28-16.
Seattle @ L.A. Chargers (-7)
The Seahawks dominated the Cardinals at Lumen Field, winning 19-9. Seattle controlled the game on the ground, while their defense sacked Kyler Murray 6 times and forced 2 Murray turnovers.
"I'm thrilled with where this team is," Pete Carroll said. "We're tied for first in the NFC West. Am I surprised? Nope. A lot of people thought this game had passed me by, that I was too ancient to still coach in this league. If you're one of the people stupid enough to believe that, then I've got some oceanfront property in Arizona I want to sell you, or a quarterback I'd like to trade you for too many draft picks and players to name."
The Chargers beat the Broncos 19-16 at SoFi Stadium on Monday night. Both offenses struggled, and the outcome turned on a Broncos muffed punt, which Los Angeles converted into Dustin Hopkins' fourth field goal of the game.
"That Denver defense is the real deal," Brandon Staley said. "That Denver quarterback was a bad deal."
Chargers win, 30-24.
Kansas City @ San Francisco (+3)
The Chiefs lost 24-20 to the visiting Bills as Josh Allen outdid Patrick Mahomes in the battle of the NFL's two best quarterbacks.
"I had two big turnovers," Mahomes said. "I'm used to being the 'G.O.A.T.' I'm not used to being the 'goat.' Maybe that's why Andy Reid drew a 'goat-ee' on my face with a black marker.
"I have no doubt we'll bounce back from this loss. We contend for the Super Bowl on a yearly basis, so when I say 'all the way,' six times out of 10, I'm talking about winning the Super Bowl. The other four times, I'm probably talking about Coach Reid's hot dog preference."
With several starters on defense out with injuries, the 49ers couldn't contain the Falcons offense and lost 28-14.
"The number of injuries we've suffered is unbelievable," Kyle Shanahan said. "Lawrence Taylor once famously said to go out there 'like a bunch of crazed dogs.' We must be going out there like 'crazed dogs in heat,' because injuries are 'mounting.'"
Chiefs win, 27-21.
Pittsburgh @ Miami (-7)
The Steelers stunned the visiting Buccaneers, 20-18, led by an undermanned defense that harassed Tom Brady for much of the game. Mitch Trubisky replaced a concussed Kenny Pickett and helped Pittsburgh snap a 4-game losing streak.
"We proved one thing," Mike Tomlin said. "You can rough Brady up as long as you don't rough him down.
"Mitch was great coming off the bench. He's even better on the bench. But we'll need him to be at his best in Miami. I know it won't be easy. There's gonna be a stadium full of South Beach hipsters in their designer clothes halfheartedly cheering for his demise. Hard Rock Stadium is not quite a hostile environment, but it is a hot style environment."
Miami's late rally came up short in a 24-16 home loss to the Vikings. The Dolphins have lost three in a row after starting the season 3-0.
"Losing our last three games has definitely taken the luster off of our 3-0 start," Mike McDaniel said. "I miss the good old days of September, when Tyreek Hill had nothing but kind words to say about my testicles."
Miami wins, 24-19.
Chicago @ New England (-7½)
The Bears lost 12-7 at home to the Commanders on Thursday night. Chicago couldn't cash in on their three trips to the end zone, including their final drive of the game.
"When you go 0-3 in the red zone," Matt Eberflus said, "the red zone becomes the '0-Zone.' And in this league, when you can't convert consistently in the red zone, the outcome becomes 'I know how this must end-zone.'"
The Patriots hammered the Browns, 38-15, as Bill Belichick picked up his 324th career win, tying George Halas for second all-time.
"I've only got one thing to say about 'Papa Bear' Halas," Belichick said, "and that's 'who's your daddy?'
"I've read the scouting report on Justin Fields and watched him on tape. And I've come to the following conclusion: Fields may be the least trigger-happy person in Chicago. Our plan is to force Fields to pass, which is pretty much saying you're going to force him to run."
Patriots win, 46-10.
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