Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Washington @ Chicago (-1)
Washington lost 21-17 at home to the Titans, after the Commanders failed to score on three tries from the Tennessee 2-yard line on their final possession. Carson Wentz threw an interception on 3rd-and-goal to seal Washington's fate.
"On the bright side," Ron Rivera said, "Carson is uncommonly experienced in situations like this. When you say he's 'been there before,' it's true, because whenever there's a game-clinching turnover, Carson is there.
"I apologized for saying 'quarterback' was the reason we're 1-4 and the other three teams in the NFC East are 4-1 or better. Carson is under a lot of pressure. He's also under many other things, like 'the gun,' 'the bus,' and 'performing,' to name a few. Me? I'm not under anything, but I am on some, like 'the hot seat,' 'my last leg,' and 'the way out.'"
The Bears lost 29-22 to the Vikings in Minneapolis.
"We're 0-3 on the road," Matt Eberflus said, "but 2-0 at home. So Bears fans can be hopeful. Chicago has some of the most loyal fans in all of football. Their hearts bleed burnt orange and navy blue. But after watching this game against Washington, their eyes might just bleed.
"Don't be surprised if Bears superfan Bill Swerski makes an appearance on Thursday night's broadcast. You've heard of the 'Manning-Cast?' Well, enjoy the 'Swerski-Cast,' and his three special guests, beer, bratwurst, and congenital heart disease."
Compared to last Thursday's Colts/Broncos game, this should be a real barn burner. But barns won't burn, televisions will.
Bears win, 27-20.
San Francisco @ Atlanta (+5½)
The 49ers manhandled the Panthers 37-15 in Charlotte, led by Jimmy Garappolo's 2 touchdown passes and a defense that stymied Baker Mayfield and Carolina's offense.
"Jimmy played great," Kyle Shanahan said. "He threw well and had no turnovers. This team is nearly unstoppable, as long as Jimmy keeps his head in the game and his feet out of the back of the end zone. I sincerely hope Jimmy has no plans to walk on a 10-story ledge anytime soon, out of concern for his own 'safety.'
"We've got some concerning injuries on defense. Nick Bosa has a groin injury, cornerback Emmanuel Moseley is out for the season with a torn ACL, and here's the kicker: Robbie Gould has a bad knee."
The Falcons late comeback attempt fell short in a 21-15 loss to the visiting Buccaneers. Atlanta was shut out for three quarters until two touchdowns made it interesting.
"It would have been more interesting if not for that bogus roughing the passer call on Grady Jarrett," Arthur Smith said. "Jerome Boger is a Tom Brady simp. How exactly are defenders supposed to tackle Tom Brady? We should be able to challenge that. I suggest that instead of a red challenge flag, we have a brown challenge flag, because that was 'B.S.'"
49ers win, 22-19.
New England @ Cleveland (-3)
The Patriots overwhelmed the visiting Lions 29-0, as New England rushed for 176 yards, including 161 from Rhamondre Stevenson.
"We knew we could score on the Lions," Bill Belichick said, "because we were playing them.
"Bailey Zappe is holding his own at quarterback while Mac Jones recovers. It's all about accountability. If you can 'hold your own,' you'll never need to ask anyone else to hold 'your own' for you. In other words, Robert Kraft does not lead by example."
Cade York's 54-yard field goal sailed wide left with 16 seconds left, leaving the Browns with a heartbreaking 30-28 home loss to the Chargers. The Browns are 2-3, with their three losses coming by a total of 6 points.
"We could be 5-0," Kevin Stefanski said. "That's like saying Deshaun Watson could be innocent. And speaking of Deshaun, he's back in the team facility. He can participate in meetings, meet with coaches, and work out, but he has to wear that red 'no contact' jersey signifying no one should touch him no matter how much he begs.
"I look forward to matching wits with Bill Belichick. Heck, I signed a serial sexual predator to a massive contract, so what's another case of me looking stupid?"
Patriots win, 26-21.
NY Jets @ Green Bay (-7)
The Packers lost 27-20 to the Giants in London on Sunday morning. Green Bay took a 20-10 lead into halftime, but went scoreless in the second half, save for an intentional safety by New York.
"We've got some soul searching to do," Aaron Rodgers said. "I'm talking about the kind you do when you're not on hallucinogenic drugs.
"And speaking of seeing things that aren't there, both our offense and defense were nonexistent in the second half."
The Jets blasted the visiting Dolphins 40-17, led by rookie Breece Hall, who totaled 197 yards and a touchdown. With the win, the Jets snapped a 12-game losing streak against the AFC East.
"I think this team has turned the corner," Robert Saleh said. "In the past, when we've 'turned the corner,' we subsequently turned the corner two more times, which puts us right back where we started.
"We're excited to play at Lambeau Field, where some of the all-time greats have played. And much like Brett Favre, we plan to tarnish that legacy."
Rodgers scrambles for a late touchdown to give the Packers a 26-23 win.
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-3)
The Colts beat the Broncos 12-9 in overtime in a sloppy contest in Denver on Thursday night. Chase McLaughlin booted 4 field goals, including the game-winning 48-yarder with 5:50 left in overtime.
"Sometimes," Frank Reich said, "you've gotta just find a way to win. Other times, you just gotta let the other team do it for you.
"Matt Ryan threw 2 interceptions and was sacked 6 times. I wouldn't say Matt's showing his age. However, I would say he's showing Tom Brady's age.
"Some say you could find more 'offense' in the console of Jim Irsay's car. To say our offense has been 'anemic' is an insult to blood."
The Jaguars lost their second straight, failing 13-6 at home to the Texans. Trevor Lawrence threw 2 interceptions, including a crucial pick in the end zone.
"The Jaguars organization is paying me a lot of money," Lawrence said. "Another way of saying that is, 'I'm costing them a lot.'"
Colts win, 20-14.
Minnesota @ Miami (+3)
The Vikings beat the visiting Bears 29-22 at U.S. Bank Stadium, holding on after building an early 21-3 lead. Minnesota is 4-1, first in the NFC North.
"Justin Jefferson caught a whopping 12 passes from me," Kirk Cousins said. "He is clearly one of the most talented receivers in the game. Our former coach Mike Zimmer was a defensive wizard, and I'm sure he would have had no problem neutralizing Justin."
The Jets blew out the visiting Dolphins 40-17, handing Miami its second straight loss. Miami lost Teddy Bridgewater to a head injury early, leaving third-string QB Skylar Thompson to finish the game.
"Let's face it," Mike McDaniel said, "Skylar's not the first Dolphins quarterback to be thrust into action before he was ready.
"Suddenly, I'm not looking like a genius head football coach. I'm looking more like what I actually look like, which is a middle school science teacher.
"My job now is to pick up the pieces of what was such a promising season. Luckily, there's room to put those pieces in the wheelbarrow that used to hold my monster balls."
Vikings win, 29-23.
Cincinnati @ New Orleans (+1½)
The Bengals lost 19-17 to the Ravens in Baltimore on Sunday night. Cincinnati fell to 2-3, with each of their three losses coming on field goals on the game's final play.
"That's the story of our season so far," Joe Burrow said. "Close, but no cigar."
The Saints beat the Seahawks 39-32 in the much-anticipated Geno Smith vs. Andy Dalton showdown, once prophesied by Nostrodamus in the 16th century. It was, however, Taysom Hill who was the story, as he ran for 3 touchdowns and passed for another.
"It's hard to categorize Taysom," Dennis Allen said. "Is he a quarterback? Is he a running back? Is he a receiver? Would he be willing to participate in a bounty program? These are the questions we asked ourselves back in 2017 before we claimed him off waivers."
Bengals win, 27-24.
Baltimore @ NY Giants (+5½)
The Ravens edged the Bengals 19-17 in a crucial AFC North battle. Justin Tucker's 43-yard field goal as time expired won it for Baltimore. Tucker also kicked three other field goals, including a 58-yarder in the third quarter.
"Justin is money from anywhere," John Harbaugh said. "When this organization finally signs Lamar Jackson to a contract extension, they're going to need money from everywhere.
"Lamar watched Super Bowl XXXV, which Baltimore won 34-7 over the Giants. He was inspired by the quarterbacks in that game, Trent Dilfer and Kerry Collins. Not inspired by their performances, per se, because they both sucked, but inspired by the fact that they even played in a Super Bowl. If that's not motivation for him to get there, I don't know what is."
The Giants stunned the Packers 27-22 at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium in London. New York overcame a 20-10 halftime deficit, holding the Packers offense scoreless in the second half.
"What a job by our defense," Brian Daboll said. "With the game being played on the field of the Premier League's Hotspurs, you could say we 'pitched' a shutout.
"We've already matched our win total from 2021. And if you can match your win total from the previous year in just 5 games, you know Joe Judge was your coach last year."
Ravens win, 27-24.
Tampa Bay @ Pittsburgh (+8)
The Bills blew out the Steelers 38-3 in rookie Kenny Pickett's first start at quarterback. Pickett passed for 327 yards and had 1 interception, while Josh Allen passed for 424 yards and 4 touchdowns.
"Our defense was garbage," Mike Tomlin said, "so both of those quarterbacks accumulated those stats in 'garbage time.'
"You might think, with this being a Buccaneers versus Steelers game, that we have to talk about Antonio Brown. I'll get to him in a minute, so keep your pants on. Or should I say, 'Put your pants back on.'"
The Bucs beat the Falcons 21-15 at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, led by Tom Brady's 351 yards and 1 touchdown.
"I was confident going in that we could beat the Falcons handily," Brady said. "So, I was betting on my own team, which is a real no-no in Atlanta.
"Did you know you can place bets on the future of my marriage? If you do, I suggest you take the 'over.' Keep in mind, I'm going through a very sensitive time in my life, so please handle me very delicately. You know, like Grady Jarrett did when he sacked me last week."
Buccaneers win 21-18.
Carolina @ L.A. Rams (-11)
The Panthers were smothered 37-15 by the visiting 49ers, who sacked Baker Mayfield 4 times and returned an interception for a touchdown. Mayfield left the game late after injuring his ankle. On Monday, head coach Matt Rhule was fired.
"I showed up to the post-game press conference in a walking boot," Mayfield said. "To most Panthers fans, that was good news, and was only topped when Rhule showed up to a press conference with his walking papers.
"We all wish Matt nothing but the best wherever he ends up, just so long as it's far, far, far away from here. I suggest he pursue a rap career as 'Fat Rhule,' Ja Rule's doughy white hype man."
Matthew Stafford was sacked 5 times as the visiting Cowboys dominated in a 22-10 win. The Rams are 2-3, one game behind the 49ers in the NFC West.
"We've got to do better by Matthew," Sean McVay said. "When the game's over, I want Matt to leave the field knowing we've got his best interests in mind. I also want him to leave the field under his own power.
"Cooper Kupp has proven that he can't be stopped. He's been the lone bright spot on this team. Our 2022 season highlight video may be two hours of Cooper Kupp highlights sandwiched around Bobby Wagner's spinebuster on a fan."
Rams win, 25-17.
Arizona @ Seattle (+2½)
The Seahawks lost 39-32 to the Saints in New Orleans. Seattle's defense was battered by the Saints on the ground, but Geno Smith kept the Seahawks in the game with 268 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Statistically," Pete Carroll said, "our defense is the worst in the league. Heck, you might as well call them the 'Legion of We're Doomed.'
"Geno is playing lights out. Obviously, we knew what we were doing when we traded Russell Wilson to the Broncos. Russell is destined for the Hall of Fame. We're destined for a haul of draft picks."
Arizona lost 20-17 to the Eagles at State Farm Stadium, as Matt Ammendola missed the potential game-tying field goal wide right.
"'Potential' is a word you hear a lot in Arizona," Kliff Kingsbury said. "And it's often, if not always, preceded by 'unfulfilled.'
"Say what you will about Kyler Murray, but for what he lacks in dedication to preparatory film study, he makes up for in absolutely slaying it in a lime green women's pants suit."
Seahawks win, 28-24.
Buffalo @ Kansas City (-2½)
The Bills hammered the Steelers 38-3, as Josh Allen passed for 424 yards and 4 touchdowns.
"It appears that history is repeating itself," Allen said, "because the Pittsburgh's 'Steel Curtain' defense of the 1970s was also 'brutal.'"
The Chiefs overcame a slow start and surged in the second half to beat the Raiders 30-29 on Monday night. Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce connected for 4 touchdowns.
"I think we've proven we can thrive without Tyreek Hill," Andy Reid said. "In fact, we're a lot like some of Tyreek's quarterbacks in Miami, because we've altogether forgotten about him. In our case, though, it has nothing to do with the effects from concussions."
Chiefs win, 37-34 in overtime.
Dallas @ Philadelphia (-5½)
The Dallas defense swarmed in a 22-10 Cowboys win over the Rams at SoFi Stadium. The Cowboys pounded the ball on the ground and unleashed their pass rush on a helpless Matthew Stafford.
"I'm now 5-0 as a starter," Cooper Rush said. "Cowboys fans are in a frenzy. They're saying crazy things, like 'We can win the Super Bowl,' or 'Mike McCarthy is a good coach,' or 'Jerry Jones' erectile difficulties are over.'
"Jerry's acutely aware of all the buzz surrounding Dak's return. Of course, that 'buzz' could just be his malfunctioning hearing aid."
The Eagles remained undefeated with a 20-17 win over the Cardinals at State Farm Stadium. Jalen Hurts rushed for 61 yards and 2 short scores.
"Jalen's put this team on his back," Nick Sirianni said, "as well as the unreasonable and lofty expectations of this great city. Just picture Jalen as the Greek god Atlas, but instead of heaven and earth on his shoulders, it's a big cheese steak."
Eagles win, 27-17.
Denver @ L.A. Chargers (-6½)
Missed opportunities and red zone failures resulted in a painful 12-9 overtime loss to the visiting Colts on Thursday night. Russell Wilson threw 2 interceptions, one in the end zone late in the fourth quarter.
"Russell's cooking is atrocious," Nathaniel Hackett said. "But then again, so are my recipes. There are a lot of people in Denver demanding a refund. For example, the fans, the front office, and our receivers. Someone who's not demanding a refund: the Seahawks.
"On the plus side, our defense looks good, especially when they face our offense in practice.
"There should be an interesting crowd at SoFi Stadium. I'm sure the majority of fans will be ours, and they'll be in the unique position of being able to boo both teams at once."
The Chargers survived a late Browns field goal miss that preserved a 30-28 win in Cleveland. Austin Ekeler posted 199 total yards and 2 touchdowns to power the Chargers to their third win.
"Austin outdid himself," Brandon Staley said. "And so did I, because I called what was likely the dumbest fourth down call in my well-documented history of dumb fourth-down calls.
"I'm aware that we lead the league in fourth down attempts. I'm also aware our analytics department leads the league in the number of times 'wait, I said you shouldn't go for it' has been said."
Chargers win, 28-24.
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