Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Indianapolis @ Denver (-3½)
The Colts fell to 1-2-1 with a 24-17 home loss to the Titans, who rushed for 127 yards compared to Indy's 38.
"If you ask us how we're doing," Frank Reich said, "the answer is a definitive 'not good.' That answer is reflective of our mental state and our quality as a team.
"To compound issues, Jonathan Taylor suffered a high ankle sprain. There's a slim chance Jonathan plays on Thursday, but even if he does, it will be at half-speed. Incidentally, 'half-speed' is twice as fast as Matt Ryan.
"You can't talk about a Colts/Broncos game without mentioning Peyton Manning. Peyton won a Super Bowl with each of these teams. That's ancient history. You've heard of Arch Manning, right? It seems now the most important Manning 'family jewels are Cooper's.'"
Offensive struggles once again plagued the Broncos, who lost 32-23 to the Raiders in Las Vegas. A solid first half from Russell Wilson was wasted, as Denver scored on only one of its six second-half possessions.
"Maybe money can't buy championships," Wilson said. "But it seems it can 'bye championships,' because it doesn't look like we're going to win one.
"We lost Javonte Williams with a season-ending knee injury. That means Melvin Gordon III will have to pick up the slack, and hopefully we can pick up his fumbles before the Colts do."
Broncos win, 25-17.
NY Giants @ Green Bay (-7½)
The Packers edged the visiting Patriots, 27-24, at Lambeau Field in overtime. Aaron Rodgers overcame a subpar first half to throw 2 second-half TD passes, and engineered the overtime drive that set up Mason Crosby's game-winning overtime kick.
"I knew Bill Belichick would show me some things I'd never seen before," Rodgers said. "I guess that's why, before the game, he showed me his second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth Super Bowl rings.
"And just a word to the wise to my young receivers: my least favorite part of techno songs are the 'drops.' With that being said, I'm actively trying to get Odell Beckham, Jr. to join us in Green Bay. I'm also trying to get Antonio Brown to become a Packer. Not for his receiving skills, but only so Brett Favre can feel like the second-biggest POS to wear a Packers uniform."
The Giants dominated on the ground with 262 yards, including 149 from Saquon Barkley, in a 20-12 win over the Bears at MetLife Stadium. The Giants are 3-1.
"Saquon has reestablished himself as one of the best running backs in the league," Brian Daboll said. "We're waiting for Daniel Jones to just establish himself for the first time as a competent starter at quarterback."
Packers win, 27-17.
Pittsburgh @ Buffalo (-14½)
The visiting Jets upset the Steelers 24-20 at Heinz Field. Pittsburgh threw 4 interceptions, one by Mitch Trubisky and 3 by Kenny Pickett, who replaced Trubisky in the second half.
"As I like to say," Mike Tomlin said, "'The standard is the standard.' And, apparently, the word 'low' should have a place in that nonsensical sentence.
"I know we're at a low point, but it's important that we learn from our mistakes. If we can do that, then certain players on this team could possibly be considered geniuses."
The Bills beat the Ravens, 23-20, winning on Tyler Bass' 21-yard field goal as time expired, which came after Lamar Jackson was intercepted on fourth down from the Bill's 2-yard line.
"We got contributions from everyone," Sean McDermott said. "The offense, the defense, special teams, John Harbaugh, and Lamar Jackson.
"I know we're heavy favorites, but you can never underestimate the Steelers, especially their defense. Much like Antonio Brown, their 'D' stands out."
Bills win, 27-16.
L.A. Chargers @ Cleveland (+3½)
Austin Ekeler scored 3 touchdowns in the Chargers 34-24 win over the Texans in Houston.
"I think it says a lot about my team that they were able to get our season back on track," Brandon Staley said. "That sentiment is tempered by the fact that we did it against a winless team."
The Browns lost 23-20 to the Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. The Falcons controlled the clock with 35 rushes for 202 yards.
"Atlanta just killed us with long, slow, time-consuming drives," Kevin Stefanski said. "That's something Myles Garrett should surely appreciate in light of his recent troubles, and increased insurance premiums."
Browns win, 27-24.
Chicago @ Minnesota (-6½)
The Bears went without a touchdown in a 20-12 loss to the Giants at MetLife Stadium.
"That's right," Matt Eberflus said, "we didn't hit pay dirt. And speaking of 'pay dirt,' we have one of the lowest payrolls in the league. And that shows in our offensive line. They're paid to protect Justin Fields. I think Justin was speaking figuratively when he said, 'You couldn't pay me to play behind that line,' because we actually are paying him to do just that."
The Vikings beat the Saints 28-25 in London on Sunday morning. Justin Jefferson powered the Vikes with 147 yards receiving and added a rushing score.
"Hey," Kirk Cousins said, "nothing beats a trip 'across the pond' after a big win, although I hear a trip across a lake can be quite entertaining, assuming you have the right personnel on the boat.
"Justin makes everyone around him better. I make everyone around me say, 'They're paying you how much?'"
Vikings win, 26-13.
Detroit @ New England (-2½)
The Lions fell 48-45 in a shootout with visiting Seattle. Jared Goff passed for 4 touchdowns, but it wasn't enough to stop the Seahawks, who piled up 555 yards of total offense.
"If the Motor City made cars with no brakes," Dan Campbell said, "it would epitomize our defense, because we can't stop anyone.
"That being said, our offense is clicking on all cylinders. They're lighting up the scoreboard, or at least half of it, while our defense is lighting up the other half."
The Patriots lost 27-24 in overtime to the Packers in Green Bay. Brian Hoyer was knocked out of the game early with a head injury, and rookie Bailey Zappe nearly led the Pats to the win.
"Zappe is just the quarterback I've been looking for," Bill Belichick said. "One who hasn't been jaded by winning six Super Bowls, marriage to a supermodel, a weird obsession with a fitness and diet guru, and multiple NFL investigations.
"It's imperative that our defense keeps the Lions offense off the field. That means our defense will be going head-to-head with the Lions defense, who are great at keeping the Lions offense on the field."
Patriots pound the ball into the center of the Lions offense, then "Zappe" them with play-action passes.
New England wins, 27-21.
Seattle @ New Orleans (-5½)
The Saint lost 28-25 to the Vikings at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium in London. Andy Dalton, in for the injured Jameis Winston, passed for 227 yards and a touchdown, but the Saints were hurt by 2 costly turnovers.
"We're 1-3 so far this year," Dennis Allen said. "Honestly, I can't explain our poor play, but one thing I can explain is why Sean Payton left when he did. We were all sad to see Sean go, so we wanted to give him a going-away present. So we all took up a collection, or as we call it, a 'bounty,' to give to Sean as a farewell gift."
The Seahawks outgunned the Lions 48-45 at Ford Field as the two teams combined for 1,075 yards of total offense. Geno Smith passed for 320 yards and 2 TDs, while Rashaad Penny rushed for 151 yards and 2 scores.
"'I figured we can do this without Russell Wilson,'" Pete Carroll said, "is something they're probably also saying in Denver."
Saints win 29-24.
Miami @ NY Jets (+3½)
The Dolphins lost 27-15 to the Bengals on Thursday night. Tua Tagovailoa was knocked out of the game in the second quarter with head and neck injuries, just four days after an injury against the Bills in Miami.
"That's when a short week became a really long week," Mike McDaniel said. "Honestly, I think we all failed Tua. Is there a solution? I don't know. But we could start by having Will Smith reprise his role as Dr. Bennet Omalu and smack the 'S' out of a lot of people."
The Jets beat the Steelers 24-20 at Heinz Field in Zach Wilson's return to the lineup after a knee injury. Wilson threw 2 interceptions, but was solid in the game-winning drive, which culminated in Breece Hall's two-yard TD run with 16 seconds left.
"Zach looked a little rusty," Robert Saleh said. "But like some other notable instances involving Zach, a generous application of lube was just the right panacea.
"Zach also had a touchdown reception. It's not often you hear about a QB receiving targets. And speaking of 'targets,' the same women Zach targets to date are the same one's former Jet legend Joe Namath targets in his 'Medicare Coverage Hotline' commercials. That's super-hot."
Miami wins, 24-14.
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay (-7½)
The Chiefs rattled the Buccaneers 41-31 in Tampa on Sunday night. The Chiefs moved the ball at will, and K.C.'s defense held the Bucs to only 3 yards rushing.
"That could be why I passed for 385 yards and 3 touchdowns," Tom Brady said. "After some struggles, it appears me and my receivers are on the same page, which is quite unlike me and my wife, who are not even in the same house."
The Falcons rushed for 202 yards in a 23-20 win over the visiting Browns.
"We think we can run the ball on anyone," Arthur Smith said. "Actually, we have no choice but to think we can run the ball on anyone.
"I'm seriously considering introducing some new pass plays into our offense. I'm also seriously considering introducing Marcus Mariota to Kyle Pitts."
Tampa wins, 33-16.
Tennessee @ Washington (+2½)
Washington lost 25-10 to the Cowboys at AT&T Stadium. The Commanders were penalized 11 times for 136 yards, and Carson Wentz threw 2 costly interceptions.
"When you shoot yourself in the foot as much as we do," Ron Rivera said, "you can't help become part of the gun control conversation in Washington.
"Carson has to be better about protecting the ball. There was once a Washington quarterback who head-butted a concrete wall. There is currently a Washington quarterback who makes the coaches want to do that."
Washington wins, 24-21.
Houston @ Jacksonville (-7½)
The Jaguars raced to a 14-0 lead over the Eagles, but managed only 1 touchdown over the game's final 48 minutes in a 29-21 loss. Jacksonville fell to 2-2.
"Trevor Lawrence had 5 turnovers," Doug Pederson said. "Four of those were fumbles. I would call him the 'Matt Ryan of the AFC South, but we already have the 'Matt Ryan of the AFC South.'"
Jaguars win, 27-17.
San Francisco @ Carolina (+3½)
Baker Mayfield had 3 turnovers, and was bothered repeatedly by Arizona's pressure in a 26-16 loss to the Cardinals. Carolina dropped to 1-3, 1-2 at home.
"I can hear the boos clearly from the home crowd," Mayfield said. "Which, ironically, is encouraging to me, because at least I know my hearing, for one thing, is good."
The 49ers dominated on defense and beat up the Rams in a 23-9 win on Monday night at Levi's Stadium.
"Our defense is incredible," Jimmy Garappolo said. "And our offense is coming together and becoming dangerous in our own right. When Deebo Samuel is crossing the front of the goal line and I'm not crossing the back of it, then things are working as they should.
"I can relate to what Baker Mayfield is going through. Like him, I'm an outcast who still happens to be the starter. Honestly, I think Baker still has a future in Carolina, albeit as dead cap money."
Carolina's defense keeps them in it, until Mayfield takes them out of it.
49ers win, 24-16.
Dallas @ L.A. Rams (-5½)
The Cowboys beat the Commanders 25-10, powered by a strong defensive effort and the continued stellar play of Cooper Rush, who improved to 4-0 in his career as a starter.
"Cooper is the first quarterback in Cowboys history to start 4-0," Mike McCarthy said. "And frankly, I think Jerry Jones is getting a little too excited about it. Hence, Jerry's 'head Rush.'"
The Rams ran into the stout 49ers defense on Monday night and didn't find the end zone in a 24-9 loss. There is now a four-way tie in the NFC West, with all four teams at 2-2.
"The game was actually closer than the score indicated," Sean McVay said. "And it was actually closer than that before Matthew Stafford threw that terrible pick-six. That made me sick to my stomach. So sick that I lost my lunch, which just happened to be Chunky Soup. Or maybe it just looked like Chunky Soup."
Rams win, 27-24.
Philadelphia @ Arizona (+4½)
The Eagles stormed back from a 14-0 deficit to beat the Jaguars 29-21 at Lincoln Financial Field. Jalen Hurts struggled passing the ball, but Philly more than made up for it with 210 yards and 4 TDs on the ground.
"Our rushing success has been the key to our undefeated season," Nick Sirianni said. "Our personnel allows us to run anything, including the table."
Kyler Murray passed for 2 touchdowns and ran for another in Arizona's 26-16 win over Carolina in Charlotte.
"Baker Mayfield sometimes wakes up feeling dangerous," Murray said. "I think all I need to do to beat Baker is wake up.
"You may have seen me and Kliff Kingsbury yelling at each other during the game. Like Alonzo Harris said in 'Training Day,' we got 'mad squabbles.' We were probably arguing over who is least prepared for their job."
Eagles win, 34-31.
Cincinnati @ Baltimore (-3½)
The Bengals beat the Dolphins 27-15 at Paycor Stadium on Thursday night, behind 287 yards passing and 2 touchdowns from Joe Burrow.
"After being sacked 15 times in our previous three games," Zac Taylor said, "Joe was sacked only once against Miami. The solution to our offensive line issues was right in front of us: our running game. Unfortunately, it was our quarterback doing the running."
The Ravens' fourth-down gamble from the Bills' 2-yard line resulted in a Lamar Jackson interception in the end zone. Buffalo capitalized by driving for the game-winning field goal as time expired for a 23-20 win.
"Many have postulated that I went for it because I don't trust my defense," John Harbaugh said. "But we've got a whole team of analytics employees who feed me information in real time so I can make an informed, intelligent, and a data-backed decision. And yeah, I don't trust my defense."
Bengals win, 30-27.
Las Vegas @ Kansas City (-7½)
The Raiders won for the first time, vanquishing the visiting Broncos, 32-23. Las Vegas dominated on the ground, with 212 yards, including 144 and 2 touchdowns from Josh Jacobs.
"I haven't been happy with my coaching so far," Josh McDaniels said. "I look what that McDaniel kid is doing in Miami, and I think, 'I'm 'S.''
"Since Antonio Brown is in the news, I think it's a good time to remind everyone that Antonio was a Raider for a few months in 2019. Thank God we have Davante Adams, who is everything Antonio is not. Incidentally, if you put AB's brain in Davante's body, you'd get 'Deviant-e Adams.'"
The Chiefs jumped on the Bucs early, racing to a 21-3 lead behind an offense that appeared unstoppable. Patrick Mahomes passed for 249 yards and 3 touchdowns, and the Chiefs rushed for 189 yards and 2 scores.
"We basically did whatever we wanted against the Bucs defense," Andy Reid said. "We were like a kid in a candy store, which, if you've seen video of 13-year-old me at the 1971 Punt, Pass, and Kick competition, you know I know what that's like."
Chiefs win, 32-22.
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