Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Ryan Blaney — Blaney charged from 25th on the starting grid to post a 5th at Bristol, his fourth top-five finish of the year.
"Ty Dillon's car was sponsored by 'Gain,'" Blaney said. "Erik Jones had 'Tide' on his car, and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.'s car sported the 'Irish Spring' logo. I'm not sure what race teams charge for sponsorship at a dirt race, but you can bet those got 'taken to the cleaners.'"
2. Joey Logano — Despite not leading a single lap, Logano was a fixture up front all night at Bristol and finished 3rd.
"Drivers one and all love racing on the dirt at Bristol," Logano said. "I think NASCAR should consider some other surfaces to race on, like linoleum, vinyl, tile, or carpet. Just call the event the 'Floor It 500.'"
3. Chase Elliott — Elliott started 9th and finished 9th at Bristol, and remains atop the points standings, three points up on Ryan Blaney.
"I had an incident with Cody Ware in Stage 3," Elliott said. "He retaliated and gave me a pretty hard bump. Somebody needs to tell that kid who I am, because I am a 'somebody.' Somebody also needs to tell him who he is, because he's a 'nobody.'"
4. Kyle Busch — Busch ran up front all night at Bristol and stole the win when Chase Briscoe and Tyler Reddick wrecked battling for the win.
"I don't have a background in dirt racing," Busch said. "I grew up on the clean streets of Las Vegas, which are hard, smooth, and paid for with the life savings and crushed hopes of many a failed and addicted gambler.
"You could say I 'backed' into the win at Bristol. You could also say Chase Briscoe 'backed' into Tyler Reddick, thus backing me into the win. Either way, I'm back in Victory Lane."
5. Chase Briscoe — Briscoe suffered an early flat tire at Bristol but recovered to put himself in position to win on the final lap. But his kamikaze move on race-leader Tyler Reddick backfired, as Briscoe spun himself and Reddick, which allowed Kyle Busch to steal the win.
"I made it a point to apologize to Tyler," Briscoe said. "I offered him a handshake, and he graciously accepted. If you ask some of the old school drivers, they'll tell you that's the closest us youngsters will come to 'throwing hands.'"
6. Alex Bowman — Bowman finished 6th at Bristol.
"It's really special racing on Easter," Bowman said. "Probably more so for Kyle Busch. I'm sure Kyle and his team were resigned to finishing 3rd. But then, all of a sudden, he was in first. And all his stunned followers could say was, 'Look! He is risen!'
"And let me apologize for even remotely comparing Jesus to Kyle Busch. As Brad Keselowski might say, 'You just put the 'a$$' in 'blasphemy.'"
7. Tyler Reddick — While seemingly headed for his first win, Reddick was wrecked by Chase Briscoe, who spun Reddick while attempting a daring, potential race-winning pass in the final corner. Reddick recovered to finish second, while Briscoe dropped to 22nd as Kyle Busch won.
"My No. 8 Chevy was great," Reddick said. "I'd like to thank everyone associated with Richard Childress Racing and 3CHI. RCR brings the speed, and 3CHI brings the weed.
"I could have tried to be a tough guy and take a swing at Briscoe for wrecking me. But I tried to be the 'bigger man,' which is hard, because it ain't easy being the 'bigger man' when you're 5' 5" and Briscoe is 6' 1" and looks like he's hiding Tony Stewart under his driver's suit."
8. Kyle Larson — Larson won Stage 1 and came home 4th in the Bristol Dirt Race.
"I'm totally at home racing on dirt," Larson said. "In fact, I love it, even though the end result is often a mouthful of dirt. And, it gives me an opportunity to literally 'wash my mouth out with soap,' something I've done before figuratively."
9. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex experienced engine issues at Bristol and struggled to a disappointing 21st.
"Luck just wasn't on our side," Truex said. "It was, however, on the side of my JGR teammate Kyle Busch. Seeing the discrepancy in luck between a good guy like me and a punk like Kyle brings tears of pain to me, and tears of joy to him. That's why Kyle is considered by many to be a 'lucky SOB.'
"That being said, I'd rather be unlucky than be Kyle Busch."
10. William Byron — Byron finished 18th in the dirt at Bristol while his three Hendrick Motorsports teammates all placed in the top 10.
"Racing on dirt is the closest we come to 'drifting,'" Byron said. "It may not be 'The Fast and the Furious,' but I'll put my driving up against any street racer any day, and I'll put my acting up against Vin Diesel's every day."
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