Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Austin Cindric — Cindric held off Bubba Wallace and teammate Ryan Blaney to win the Daytona 500 in his first Daytona start as a full-time Cup driver.
"I'm only 23-years-old," Cindric said. "To achieve the greatest accomplishment of one's life at that age is simply amazing. If that's still the case 32 years from now, then I'll officially change my name to 'Derrick Cope.'
"Historically, the Daytona 500 is known as the 'Great American Race.' Currently, it's known as the 'Greatest Collection of 'Let's Go Brandon' Merchandise in the World.'"
2. Bubba Wallace — Wallace finished second at Daytona, matching his career-best 500 finish.
"'Second' is a word that's rarely used by Michael Jordan," Wallace said, 'unless it's used in the following context: 'Give me one second, while I place another bet.'
"My crew chief is Bootie Barber. So, any communication between him and I is technically a 'Bootie call.' No matter what happens this season, I'll still never have more 'bootie calls' than Tim Richmond.
3. Ryan Blaney — Blaney came home 4th at Daytona as Penske Racing teammate Austin Cindric took the win.
"Congratulations to Austin," Blaney said. "And congratulations to Roger Penske. Roger's 85th birthday was Sunday. Roger's a legend in auto racing across many series, and is the greatest car owner in auto racing. No other car owner can hold a candle to Roger, much less 85."
4. Aric Almirola — Almirola finished 5th at Daytona.
"NASCAR started the season with the Busch Clash in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum," Almirola said. "That track was tiny. I've seen bigger circles in a pack of Lifesavers, or under the eyes of anyone who's awoken in the Daytona infield after a day and/or night of drinking with Clint Bowyer."
5. Brad Keselowski — Keselowski led a race-high 67 laps and finished 9th at Daytona in his first points race as driver/owner for Roush Fenway Keselowski Racing.
"I feel great being a part of re-igniting Roush Fenway," Keselowski said. "It may sound difficult, but it's really not, because re-igniting something that's already on fire is easy, and Roush Fenway was a dumpster fire."
6. Michael McDowell — McDowell started 6th and finished 7th at Daytona in the No. 34 Front Row Motorsports Mustang.
"FOX Corporation CEO Lachlan Murdoch waved the green flag to start the race," McDowell said. "As you would expect in a race green-flagged by him, there was a lot of 'spin.'"
7. Chase Briscoe — Briscoe finished 4th in the Daytona 500 in the No. 14 Stewart-Haas Racing Ford Mustang.
"I hope I made Tony Stewart proud," Briscoe said. "Tony was in the booth with Mike Joy and Clint Bowyer calling the race for FOX. I think Tony's a natural in front of the camera. They say 'the camera adds 10 pounds.' Tony absolutely agrees with that. That way, he doesn't have to blame it on his diet."
8. Kyle Busch — Busch finished 6th at Daytona and remained winless in Daytona 500s.
"I'm now 0-17 in Daytona 500 races," Busch said. "Personally, I'm looking forward to the 'Next Generation,' because I've already gone through one without winning the 500."
9. Chase Elliott — Elliott finished 10th at Daytona and was the only Chevrolet driver in the top 10.
"I'm just happy the No. 9 NAPA Chevy finished the race in one piece," Elliott said. "Obviously, I was able to steer clear of Brad Keselowski. How many cars did he wreck? Now that Brad is an owner and a driver, it's clear he's the 'total' package."
10. David Ragan — Ragan finished 8th at Daytona after avoiding several accidents until being caught up in a final lap crash after crossing the finish line.
"I," Ragan said, "like 38 other drivers, was just happy to survive ... a race that Brad Keselowski was in.
"Floyd Mayweather, Jr. is a new NASCAR owner. Kaz Grala drives the No. 50 car for The Money Team Racing. I don't know much about Kaz Grala, but I can tell you this: any car associated with Mayweather will never knock anyone out, and can only win on points. And should also have its financials reviewed by a competent accountant."
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