Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Cincinnati @ Tennessee (-3½)
The Bengals beat the visiting Raiders 26-19 for the franchise's first playoff victory in 31 years. Joe Burrow passed for 2 touchdowns and Cincy's defense forced 2 Derek Carr turnovers.
"It was a great win for this team," Zac Taylor said, "and this city. Legendary Bengals coach Marvin Lewis called me to offer congratulations. I offered him my thanks, and told him we couldn't have done it without his contributions, which mostly consisted of 16 of the 31 non-playoff win years.
"We may be underdogs, but with our players, we can beat anyone. We've got loads of playmakers on offense, and none on defense. In other words, we're gonna need to score a lot of points if we expect to win. If we can't, then, in the words of Bengals legend and firecracker Adam Jones, it will be time to 'Pack, man.'"
The Titans host their first divisional playoff game since 2008, and are rested after earning the bye week as the No. 1 seed.
"That's right," Mike Vrabel said. "We're the top seed, yet we're still considered an afterthought on the list of Super Bowl favorites. People forget we beat the Bills and the Chiefs. Those same people must have remembered that we lost to the Jets and Texans.
"We hope to have Derrick Henry back for this game. With Derrick in the lineup, our offense runs as smooth as Tennessee whiskey. Without him, this offense suffers a case of 'whiskey dick.' And while the theme is on alcohol, let's give our defense a name reflective of this state's rich history in the moonshine business. Let's call our defense the 'Still Curtain.'"
The Titans race to an early lead thanks not to Henry's, but to Ryan Tannehill's running ability. Cincy can't keep Tannehill in the pocket, except when he's connecting with A.J. Brown. Henry closes the deal in the fourth with a long TD run.
Tennessee wins, 31-21.
San Francisco @ Green Bay (-5½)
The 49ers raced to a 13-0 lead at Dallas and survived a shaky second half to upset the Cowboys, 23-17. San Fran controlled the game on the ground, rushing for 172 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"How 'bout them apples?" Kyle Shanahan said. "And 'How 'bout them Cowboys?' Let's give the Cowboys credit, for having the gall to run the league's first 'Hail Mary' running play, as well having the league's best prevent offense.
"If you would have told any Cowboys fans before the season that their beloved would win 12 games, win the NFC East, and host a playoff game, they would have replied, 'That sounds great. But what's the catch?' 'The Catch' is that your team is losing to the 49ers, again.
"Obviously, beating the Packers presents a huge challenge. Aaron Rodgers is the likely MVP. If there was a Mt. Rushmore of the NFL's greatest quarterbacks, he'd be on it. If there was a Mt. Rushmore of star athletes with asinine views on vaccinations, he'd be on that too, with Novak Djokovic, Kyrie Irving, and Cole Beasley. Now, if you're carving heads into a granite mountainside, you're bound to get thick skulls."
The top-seeded Packers are rested and ready, intent on making the franchise's 10th trip to the NFC championship game.
"We're excited," Aaron Rodgers said. "But it's important to manage our emotions and not lose control. As football players, we know the importance of not breaking contain in the battle to contain yourself.
"Our biggest advantage, besides me, is the 'Lambeau Mystique.' In this case, the 'Lambeau Mystique' is the weather. The forecasted low for Saturday night is 2 degrees. It's going to be colder than a witch's titty or a well digger's ass. Incidentally, if Brett Favre was a witch or a well digger, he would have exposed his titty or his ass to an unlucky woman at some point.
"But let's be honest, our biggest advantage over the 49ers may not even be the weather, or my superiority over Jimmy Garoppolo. What's really going to prevent San Fran from doing what they did last week is the fact that Mike McCarthy is not on our sideline."
Shanahan does not want to force Garoppolo to do too much; conversely, Matt Lafleur and the Packers defense do want to force Garoppolo to do too much. And he's not capable.
Packers win, 28-17.
L.A. Rams @ Tampa Bay (-4)
The Buccaneers put away the visiting Eagles early, jumping to a 17-0 halftime lead on their way to a 31-15 win. Tom Brady passed for 271 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"It was 31-0 in the third quarter," Tom Brady said. "At that point, it was a race between happy Bucs fans and frustrated and cursing Eagles fans to see who could get '#BlankTheEagles' trending on Twitter. Obviously, Bucs fans won that race, but only because Eagles fans refuse to censor themselves under any circumstances.
"I was kind of pulling for the Cardinals to beat the Rams. If for no other reason than it would have been a matchup of me against a quarterback 20 years my junior. I definitely have the edge in experience over Kyler Murray, and everyone, for that matter. Heck, I've got polyps older than Kyler, and also for sale on eBay.
"But I look forward to facing Matthew Stafford. He's closer to my age, which makes him more my 'speed,' which is extremely slow. I do have a huge edge in experience, though. For example, I've lost four times as many Super Bowls as playoff games Stafford has won.
"The bottom line is this: all the pressure is on the Rams, because they sold their souls, in the form of first-round draft picks traded, to get to this point. Can they reach their ultimate goal? Ironically, for the Rams, there's a 'goat' standing in their way."
The home-standing Rams rolled to a 34-11 win over the Rams to earn a date at Tampa in the divisional round. Matthew Stafford passed for 202 yards and 2 touchdowns and also added a rushing score.
"Matthew finally won his first playoff game," Sean McVay said. "So, the proverbial 'monkey' is off his back. Kyler Murray was throwing proverbial feces, but probably not as accurately as most monkeys.
"The secret to beating the Bucs is getting pressure on Tom Brady. I guess it's really not a secret, because the Saints do it all the time."
Rams win, 27-25.
Buffalo @ Kansas City (-2½)
Josh Allen passed for 5 touchdowns as the Bills cruised to a 47-17 win over the Patriots at Highmark Stadium on Saturday night. Buffalo scored on it's first 7 possessions that didn't end in a kneel down.
"I'll tell you what should have ended in a kneel down," Allen said. "The game, when the Patriots bent the knee and bowed down to their conquerors.
"We knew the Pats couldn't keep us with our fast-paced offense. So we wore them out until they were blue in the face from exhaustion, and red in the face from embarrassment.
"Just to be clear, I did not use Viagra to keep warm in the frigid Buffalo air. But I'll never say never, because as you advance in the playoffs, it gets harder and harder to win. And you never know what will or will not arise in the playoffs."
After a slow start, the Chiefs poured it on in a 42-21 blowout of the visiting Steelers. Patrick Mahomes passed for 404 yards and 5 touchdowns.
"Obviously," Mahomes said, "the Steelers were limited in what they could do. They're not gonna go deep in anything, whether that be on the field, in the playoffs, in the playbook, or down their roster for their next quarterback.
"Obviously, the Bills are not the Steelers. Josh Allen has everything Ben Roethlisberger doesn't: a strong arm, elite running ability, youth, and bathroom privileges. We know the Bills are coming with a strong offense and the league's top-ranked defense. And we're prepared for everything they're bringing from Buffalo, including flying dildos."
Bills win, 34-31 in overtime.
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