Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
New England @ Atlanta (+6½)
The Cowboys destroyed the Falcons 43-3 at AT&T Stadium, as the Dallas defense totally shut down the Atlanta offense. Matt Ryan completed only 9-of-21 passes for 121 yards and threw 2 interceptions.
"As demoralizing losses go," Ryan said, "that one was up there. Not as bad as our Super Bowl 51 loss to the Patriots, but still painful. But as was the case with that one, many of our loyal fans came to the airport for our arrival home. Only this time, they were there to block the runway.
"And speaking of Super Bowl LI, we're facing the Patriots on Thursday, so I expect a plethora of '28-3' references, memes, jokes, and possibly tattoos on the backside of some of the more uneducated Patriots fans. I expect I'll never escape the specter of '28-3.' Heck, I'll probably die on March 28th."
The Patriots blasted the Browns 45-7 at Gillette Stadium. Mac Jones was an efficient 19-of-23 with 3 TD passes, and New England rushed for 184 yards.
"Mac reminds many of Tom Brady at the same stage of his career," Bill Belichick said. "Mac could very well be the piece this team's been lacking lately. I would call him the 'Missing Link,' but my son Steve already has that nickname."
Patriots win, 30-19.
Indianapolis @ Buffalo (-6½)
The Bills hammered the Jets, 45-17, as Stefon Diggs had 8 catches for 162 yards and a touchdown. Buffalo also got their rush attack going, with 139 yards on the ground and 4 touchdowns.
"We definitely needed to get the ball to Stefon more," Sean McDermott said. "The last thing we want is a disgruntled Stefon Diggs. We want him to be a playmaker, not a troublemaker.
"Forty-five points is more like it for our offense. We only scored 6 points against the Jaguars. Normally against the Jags, the statement of 'We only scored 6 points against the Jaguars' should be amended with 'on our first possession.' Then it makes more sense."
The Colts beat the visiting Jaguars 23-17 as Indy built a 17-0 lead and held on to improve to 5-5.
"I of all people know that no lead is safe," Frank Reich said. "In 1993, I led the Bills back from a 35-3 deficit to defeat the Houston Oilers 38-35 in the playoffs. How does that knowledge help my team against the Bills? Well, if I can lead the Bills back from a 32-point deficit, then, based on athletic ability alone, Josh Allen could lead the Bills back from twice that deficit. My point: we can't let the Bills get too far ahead, because Carson Wentz is not me, and he's definitely not Josh Allen."
Bills win, 27-23.
Baltimore @ Chicago (+6½)
The Ravens offense sputtered in a 22-10 loss to the Dolphins at Hard Rock Stadium on Thursday night. Lamat Jackson passed for 239 yards with a TD and 1 interception.
"If you're Lamar Jackson," Jim Harbaugh said, "that stat line is just not good enough. If you're Trent Dilfer, that stat line wins a Super Bowl.
"But I take full blame for not having my team prepared properly. It's called 'accountability,' which is something everyone has to answer to, except officials throwing taunting flags."
The Bears had a Week 10 bye, and Justin Fields hopes to continue to show the ability he did in their loss to Pittsburgh in Week 9.
"I think it's time to unleash Justin," Matt Nagy said. "Pretty much anyone who is a Bears fan thinks I should be unleashed as well, preferably from a bungee cord.
"How do you stop a talent like Lamar Jackson? If I was his head coach, the answer would be easy — don't let him play. As his opponent, I'm going to defer to my defensive coordinator and future Bears interim coach, Sean Desai. I'll let him figure it out, which, interestingly enough, is what everybody said I should do with Justin."
Ravens win, 28-21.
Detroit @ Cleveland (-9½)
The Lions tied the Steelers 16-16 in a sloppy battle at Heinz Field.
"I've been waiting all season for the words 'It's over' to be spoken," Dan Campbell said. "I'm not talking about our winless streak; I'm talking about that game.
"The quality of football in that game was negligible. If there was a picture in the dictionary to accompany the word 'futility,' it would have to be an awfully big dictionary to contain the team pictures of both the Lions and Steelers."
The Browns were embarrassed 45-7 by the Patriots at Gillette Stadium. New England racked up 452 yards of total offense, while an already injured Baker Mayfield left the game in the third quarter after injuring his knee.
"It's games like this that make me not want to show my face in public," Mayfield said. "It's games like this that make Progressive Insurance question their selection of a national spokesman. It's also games like this that make people wonder whether Flo from Progressive can play quarterback.
"I refuse to believe the Patriots are 38 points better than we are. But if we lose to the Lions, that will make a believer out of me."
Browns win, 31-19.
Houston @ Tennessee (-10½)
The Texans had a Week 10 bye and return to action with a 1-8 record, last in the AFC South.
"This is an interesting matchup," David Culley said. "The Titans are the former Houston Oilers. The Texans are the newest NFL franchise. Despite the Houston connection, the Texans are not affiliated with the Tennessee franchise. And I think the Titans wouldn't have it any other way."
The Titans beat the Saints 23-21 as Ryan Tannehill accounted for two touchdowns.
"Ryan is fully capable of putting this team on his shoulders," Mike Vrabel said. "Hopefully, our defense is capable of then putting Ryan on their shoulders and carrying him to our opponent's territory after a turnover.
"Derrick Henry could possibly be back in early January. So, should we make the playoffs, which I think we will, you will see 'The Return of the King.' And you will see Derrick make would-be playoff tacklers look like hobbits. And I have just reached my lifetime quota of J.R.R. Tolkien references. You're welcome."
Titans win, 30-13.
Green Bay @ Minnesota (+2½)
The Packers beat the visiting Seahawks 17-0 at chilly Green Bay.
"If you play in Green Bay," Aaron Rodgers said, "the temperature does not matter. Cold weather does not affect me. I literally have ice in my veins, which immunizes me against the cold. My medical team can confirm that. However, I cannot confirm the actual existence of my medical team.
"I'm sure I'll have to listen to Vikings fans ridicule me for the whole vaccination fiasco. It's a 'joke mob.' But I sweat jokes at my expense about as much as I do a $14,650 fine. It's a good thing I tuck my shirt in and keep my socks pulled up, because I would sweat those fines.
"With Aaron Jones out with a sprained MCL, the Vikes can expect a steady diet of A.J. Dillon. And 'steady diet' is basically the difference between A.J. and former Packer lard ass Eddie Lacy."
The Vikings beat the Chargers 27-20 at SoFi Stadium, led by solid games from Kirk Cousins, Justin Jefferson, and Dalvin Cook. Minnesota is 4-5, 3½ games behind the 8-2 Packers in the NFC North.
"You can call those guys our 'Big Three,'" Mike Zimmer said. "Unfortunately, in my time at Minnesota, I've never had a kicker that was able to make a 'Big Three.'
"Our focus is to slow Rodgers. He has arguably the most impressive set of physical tools of any quarterback in history. Talent-wise, he's from another world. In other aspects of his life, he lives in an alternate universe."
Packers win, 27-24.
Miami @ NY Jets (+3½)
The Dolphins stunned the visiting Ravens 22-10 on Thursday night, holding Lamar Jackson to just one touchdown. Miami improved to 3-7.
"We've beaten the Patriots and the Ravens this year," Brain Flores said. "So, we're 2-0 in games I care to talk about."
The Bills demolished the Jets 45-17 at MetLife Stadium as Mike White threw 4 interceptions.
"I've got a question to ask myself," Robert Saleh said. "That question is: who is the future QB of the Jets, Mike White or Zach Wilson? That question is extremely difficult, and made even more difficult by the fact there is no right answer. But starting Joe Flacco against the Dolphins will give me more time to think about it, or even better, something else to worry about.
"I really don't appreciate Rex Ryan's criticism of me. They say opinions are like assholes — everybody has one. Rex just has the most opinionated asshole of anyone. I would tell Rex to pick on someone his own size, but that may not be possible."
Jets win, 24-23.
New Orleans @ Philadelphia (-1½)
The Saints lost 23-21 to the Titans in Nashville as a late two-point conversion to tie the game failed.
"Our kicker missed two extra points," Sean Payton said, "and that pretty much cost us the game. I know it's controversial, but I'm thinking of signing him up for 'conversion' therapy. From what I hear from about half the nationwide population, it's 100% effective."
Philadelphia rushed for 214 yards, and Jalen Hurts hooked up with Devonta Smith for two TD passes as the Eagles rolled to a 30-13 win at Denver.
"When you rush for over 200 yards on the opponent's home turf," Nick Sirianni said, "you've basically 'sod-omized' them."
Washington @ Carolina (-2½)
The Panthers, buoyed by the return of Cam Newton, manhandled the Cardinals 34-10 at State Farm Stadium. Newton passed for a score and rushed for another and Carolina improved to 5-5.
"Cam brings to this team an energy that we were lacking," Matt Rhule said. "Actually, Cam brings a quarterback to this team that we were lacking.
"Cam will start against Washington. It all must be bittersweet for Panthers fans. The quarterback they wanted to return did indeed return, but the coach they feel the same about is stuck in Washington."
Washington upset the Buccaneers, 29-19, as the Washington defense forced Tom Brady into one of his worst performances of the season.
"Brady did not look like the quarterback who's thrown over 600 touchdown passes," Ron Rivera said. "It's hard to narrow it down to one quarterback that he looked like, but just take your pick between any Redskins QB from the last 30 years.
"Cam Newton is back in a Panthers uniform, and I think it's a great fit. Let's face it, the Panthers wouldn't be complete without Cam throwing, and a pass wouldn't be complete with Cam throwing."
Panthers win, 25-20.
San Francisco @ Jacksonville (+5½)
The 49ers ran through the Rams, 31-10, on Monday night at Levi's Stadium. San Fran rushed for 156 yards and Deebo Samuel scored 2 touchdowns.
"We heard so much about the Rams acquiring Odell Beckham, Jr. and Von Miller," Kyle Shanahan said. "If the Rams were going 'all in,' it certainly wasn't to stop the run. But kudos to Beckham — he made the best tackle of the night, so he wins this week's 'Not Teddy Bridgewater Supreme Effort and Desire on a Tackling Attempt' award."
The Jaguars comeback effort from a 17-0 deficit at Indianapolis fell short in a 23-17 loss.
"We got off to a terrible start," Urban Meyer said. "'You just can't keep putting yourself in positions like that' is something my wife, university presidents, athletic directors, and people with a modicum of ethics have said to me often over the years."
Jaguars win, 25-24.
Cincinnati @ Las Vegas (+1½)
The Bengals return from a Week 10 bye and are 5-4, one game behind the Ravens in the AFC South.
"I think when you hear that the Bengals are in Las Vegas," Zac Taylor said, "your first thought is probably 'Bad news.' But for who? The Raiders? Or law enforcement?
"I've urged my team to remain focused while in Las Vegas. That means, if you're gonna 'make it rain,' it better be in the shower of your hotel room."
The Chiefs crushed the Raiders 41-14 on Monday night at Allegiant Stadium as Vegas suffered its second consecutive loss.
"My older and dumber brother David is standing by his pick of the Raiders winning the Super Bowl," Derek Carr said. "I've tried to explain to him what 'hyperbole' is, but he still insists it's a serving of Froot Loops laced with amphetamines, which, I might add, is what helped David get through a career that saw him sacked 267 times.
"Jon Gruden is suing the NFL and Roger Goodell. Jon is throwing the ultimate challenge flag. I think I know how this ends — the courts say, 'After further review, we find that Jon Gruden was even more racist and misogynist than we previously knew. In fact, we found some more '-ist's' that Jon Gruden is.' Jon's is a no-win situation. Jon also wanted me to point out that he does not drink Sunkist."
Raiders win, 27-24.
Dallas @ Kansas City (-2½)
The Cowboys crushed the visiting Falcons 43-3, powered by Dak Prescott, who passed for 296 yards and 2 touchdowns, and added a rushing score.
"Our bad loss to the Broncos was an aberration," Mike McCarthy said. "If you're not quite sure what an 'aberration' is, just think of a coach like me winning a Super Bowl."
The Chiefs overwhelmed the Raiders 41-14 at Allegiant Stadium on Sunday night. Patrick Mahomes passed for 406 yards and 5 touchdowns, as Kansas City took sole possession of the lead in the AFC West.
"It may be just a half-game lead," Mahomes said, "but we feel like we're towering over the competition. We're feeling pretty good about ourselves, probably like Andy Reid did in the 1971 Punt, Pass, and Kick competition as a 200-pound 13-year-old. As you would expect, Andy ate those kids for lunch, and breakfast, and dinner."
Chiefs win, 28-27.
Arizona @ Seattle (+2½)
The Seahawks were blanked 17-0 at Lambeau Field in Russell Wilson's return from a finger injury suffered in October. Wilson passed for only 161 yards and tossed 2 interceptions.
"That was certainly not what you'd call 'DangerRuss,'" Pete Carroll said. "It was more like 'Danger — Rust.' Now how about a rim shot?
"Maybe Russell came back too soon. Unlike what happened in Super Bowl XLIX, this is a case in which we 'rushed' when we shouldn't have."
Seahawks win, 27-24.
Pittsburgh @ L.A. Chargers (-3½)
With Ben Roethlisberger on Covid Reserve designation, the Steelers couldn't get by the visiting Lions and settled for a 16-16 tie. Mason Rudolph passed for 242 yards, with a touchdown and an interception.
"If you had seats in the last row of the upper deck at Heinz Field," Mike Tomlin said, "you were lucky, because you couldn't see that mess on the field. In contrast to those 'nosebleed' seats, any other seats in the stadium were 'eye bleed' seats.
"We don't ask Mason Rudolph to do much. He just needs to stay within himself, and within his helmet."
The Chargers lost 27-20 to the Vikings at SoFi Stadium and have now lost three of their last four.
"Opponents have come to the realization that they can run the ball on us whenever they want," Brandon Staley said. "Our defense is as resistant to the run as our fans are to filling a stadium.
"But with Ben Roethlisberger still out, I feel confident Justin Herbert can out-duel Mason Rudolph. Rudolph threw the ball 50 times against the Lions. We would absolutely love for him to do the same against us. Fifty passes means that's 50 fewer times our defense is not facing a run."
Chargers win, 23-20.
NY Giants @ Tampa Bay (-11½)
The Giants had a Week 10 bye and could be as close to full strength as they have since starting the season. Saquon Barkley is expected to play after missing the last four games.
"Our injury report has been a who's who of players who are often injured," Joe Judge said. "I'm thrilled to get our guys back healthy. Fans will get to see what our team looks like when it's operating at full capacity, and they'll get to see my coaching when I have a team operating at full capacity. And that may ultimately be my downfall."
The Buccaneers sputtered at FedEx Field in a 29-19 loss to Washington. Tom Brady threw 2 first-half interceptions, and Tampa lost its second straight.
"Bruce Arians used the words 'very dumb' and 'stupidity' to describe our performance," Brady said. "In layman's terms, I think what he said was we played like the 'Jameis Winston as a Buccaneer of football teams.'"
Bucs win, 27-23.
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