Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Baltimore @ Miami (+7½)
The Ravens erased a 24-10 third quarter deficit to the Vikings and stormed back to take a 34-31 overtime win. Lamar Jackson passed for 3 touchdowns and added 120 yards on the ground.
"Lamar posted his 12th 100-yard rushing game," John Harbaugh said. "He passed Michael Vick for the most all-time among quarterbacks. And if that's the last comparison to Vick that Lamar has in his career, then that is as far from 'Bad Newz' as possible.
"You can best believe Ray Lewis will be in Miami on Thursday night. Ray never misses a chance to visit 'The U.' And good news for Ray, Atlanta is on the way, and makes the perfect place to stop for a change of clothes."
The Dolphins beat the visiting Texans 17-9 to snap a seven-game losing streak. Miami forced 4 turnovers, and overcame 5 of their own turnovers.
"That game set offensive football back 30 years," Brain Flores said. "And pretty much kept Dolphins football where it's been all year."
Ravens win, 31-13.
Atlanta @ Dallas (-8½)
The Broncos shocked the Cowboys 30-16 at AT&T Stadium. The Cowboys were down 30-0 before two late garbage time touchdowns accounted for the final score.
"I'm not sure what happened with our defense," Mike McCarthy said. "Apparently, a defense is only as good as the offense that scores 30 points for it.
"We had been anointed one of the best teams in the NFC. This was a case of being overconfident. I think we were guilty of reading our own names in the headlines. That's pretty common in Dallas. Back in the 1980s and '90s, players were often guilty of reading their own names in the police news. They were often guilty of that, and many other things."
The Falcons upset Trevor Siemian and the Saints 27-25 in the Caesars Superdom, winning on Younghoe Koo's 29-yard field goal as time expired.
"I think this shows we can beat any team in the NFL," Matt Ryan said, "when they start a backup quarterback.
"This game features two of the NFL's most iconic billionaire owners, Jerry Jones and Arthur Blank. Some may know Arthur as the founder of The Home Depot. Some may know him for his pencil-thin mustache. Others may know him from that time he told Scarlet he frankly didn't give a damn."
Former Falcons head coach and current Dallas defensive coordinator Dan Quinn gets his revenge on the team that justly and deservedly fired him. Dallas' defense bounces back, with a four-sacks, three-turnover game.
Cowboys win, 34-17.
New Orleans @ Tennessee (-3½)
The Titans whipped the Rams 28-16 on Sunday night at SoFi Stadium. With Derrick Henry out for the season, the Tennessee defense carried the load, with 5 sacks and 2 interceptions, including a pick-six by Kevin Byard.
"With King Henry out," Mike Vrabel said, "we have plenty of other guys ready and willing to assume the throne. Here in the great state of Tennessee, when you say 'assume the throne,' people think of that other King, Elvis Pressley. He assumed the throne, and died for it, and on it. I think my guys are just as dedicated."
The Saints lost 27-25 to the visiting Falcons, as the New Orleans defense struggled to contain Matt Ryan. Ryan passed for 343 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"I would kill for a quarterback that could pass for 343 yards," Sean Payton said. "There was a time when I would pay my players to kill a quarterback that could pass for 343 yards.
"Philip Rivers expressed interest in joining our team. We asked him, 'In what capacity? As a family planning counselor?' He is definitely not qualified for that."
Titans win, 27-24.
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-9½)
The Jaguars shocked the Bills 9-6 in a defensive struggle at TIAA Bank Field. Buffalo's Josh Allen had three turnovers, two of which were forced by Jacksonville linebacker Josh Allen.
"What a huge win for this franchise," Urban Meyer said,"and for me. I'm gonna party like it's September 30th, 2021 in Cincinnati, Ohio. This is how I do it: I place a lady friend in front of me, then I pretend to call the police and say, 'I think I'm gonna need 'backup.'' Then she does. And I would appreciate it greatly if people would respect my privacy in this moment of joy.
The Colts savaged the visiting Jets 45-30 on Thursday night. Jonathan Taylor had 200 total yards and 2 touchdowns, while Carson Wentz tossed 3 TD passes.
"Jonathan went through, around, and by the Jets defense," Frank Reich said. 'Carson went over it. Often, when Carson throws, I tell myself, 'It's over.'"
Colts win, 28-24.
Cleveland @ New England (-2½)
The Browns manhandled the Bengals 41-16 in Cincinnati, as Baker Mayfield passed for 2 scores and Joe Mixon rushed for 2 TDs.
"I think we're gonna be okay with no Odell Beckham, Jr.," Mayfield said. "And he'll be okay without us. Actually, he'll just be 'okay' wherever he goes.
"Odell is no longer a Brown. He's officially a free agent. Well, I guess Odell was finally 'open,' but only for business."
The Patriots hammered the Panthers 24-6 in Charlotte as the New England defense intercepted Sam Darnold 3 times.
"We're very familiar with Darnold from his days as a New York Jet," Bill Belichick said, "so we certainly knew his weaknesses. In other words, much like the Panthers, we've 'seen enough' of Darnold to know that he sucks.
"We'd love to have Odell on our team. Heck, I think I could even find a role for his father, Odell Beckham, Sr. I hear his hashtag game is tight. I don't know what I just said, but my people tell me Senior has quite a future as a 'bad influencer.'"
Patriots win, 23-20.
Buffalo @ NY Jets (+12½)
The Jets gave up 532 yards of total offense in an ugly 45-30 loss to the Colts on Thursday night. Quarterback Mike White left the game early with a hand injury.
"The Colts challenged our manhood," Robert Saleh said. "The challenge was to locate it. And we lost that challenge.
"532 yards is inexcusable. That was easily the highest total surrendered by a defense in Week 9. As I told my defense, 'You got most.'
"Mike will definitely play against the Bills. He hurt his forearm and experienced some numbness in his fingers. But he's better now. Zach Wilson's injury isn't healing as fast. In fact, it's a chronic condition, and similar to numb fingers. It's called 'numb nuts.'"
The Bills stumbled mightily in Jacksonville, losing 9-6 to the Jaguars, who forced 3 turnovers by Josh Allen, two of those by Jags linebacker Josh Allen.
"Josh Allen had my number," Josh Allen said, "and my name.' Luckily, I don't have his head coach.
"We've got to be better if we think we have any chance of representing the AFC in the Super Bowl. Actually, this being Buffalo, I should say that we want to do more than just represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, because this franchise has done this plenty."
Buffalo wins, 29-21.
Detroit @ Pittsburgh (-8½)
The winless Lions face a tall task, trying to get their first win against a tough Steelers team on the road at Heinz Field.
"We had a bye week," Dan Campbell said, "so we've had two weeks to figure out what's been going wrong. And what we discovered was that two weeks wasn't nearly enough time to complete that task.
"You've got to feel for Jared. He got placed in a difficult position, which is that of a quarterback simultaneously unwanted in two different cities."
The Steelers beat the Bears 29-27 on Monday night at Heinz Field.
"The Bears gave us all we could handle," Mike Tomlin said. "The officials gave us the rest. They didn't know it, but we replaced the officiating team's yellow flags with Terrible Towels. Apparently, the refs 'point' of emphasis on Monday was making sure we got the winning one."
Steelers win, 27-20.
Tampa Bay @ Washington (+9½)
The Bucs return from a Week 9 bye with a 6-2 record, a game up on New Orleans in the NFC South.
"We've had time to address the mistakes we made in our loss to the Saints," Tom Brady said. "Most of them have been addressed to me.
"When I likened defenders to 'dogs chasing cars' while on the 'Manning Cast,' I didn't mean to insinuate that guys who play defense have the intellect of dogs. Some tight ends do, however."
Washington is 2-6 and in last place in the NFC East.
"We could arguably be the worst team in the NFL," Ron Rivera said. "I think the argument would be in favor of that."
Buccaneers win, 33-20.
Carolina @ Arizona (-9½)
Sam Darnold threw 3 interceptions as the visiting Patriots overwhelmed the Panthers 24-6. Darnold has 11 interceptions on the year, and two games with 3 interceptions.
"'Where you throwing that to me?'" Matt Rhule said, "is a common question asked of Sam, both by offenses and defenses.
"But with Christian McCaffrey healthy, it makes it easier to simplify the play book for Sam. We call that 'doctoring' the play book. Dr. Seuss in this case."
The Cardinals whipped the 49ers 31-14 at Levi's Stadium, despite playing without Kyler Murray and DeAndre Hopkins.
"This team is more than just those two guys," Kliff Kingsbury said. "We have other playmakers, on offense and defense, great special teams, and a head coach whose only job is to stay out of their way."
Cardinals win, 34-17.
Minnesota @ L.A. Chargers (-2½)
The Chargers beat the pesky Eagles 27-24 in Philadelphia. Justin Herbert bounced back from two bad games with a strong outing, with 356 yards passing, 2 touchdowns, and a rushing score.
"The Patriots really made me look bad in Week 8," Herbert said. "I wanted to rectify that. It wasn't easy. Bill Belichick really left an impression on me. Heck, I have nightmares about him, and the worst part is, he's in a G-string."
The Vikings lost 34-31 in overtime to the Ravens at M&T Bank Stadium. Minnesota couldn't hold a 24-10 third quarter lead, and fell to 3-5, 3½ games behind the Packers.
"Our five losses have come by a total of 18 points," Mike Zimmer said. "If you would have told me at the start of the season that five of our first eight games would be decided by basically a field goal, I would have said, 'Well, there's five losses right there.' Then my blood pressure would rise to an unhealthy level until I completed my prescribed breathing exercises and purged all thoughts of Blair Walsh from my mind."
Vikings win, 28-27.
Philadelphia @ Denver (-2½)
The Eagles lost 27-24 to the Chargers at SoFi Stadium.
"We're 3-6," Nick Sirianni said. "Worse, we're 0-4 at home. Philly fans are irate. Some are even using weird botanical references like I do, and saying I'm like a plant that is an 'annual,' in that I'll be gone after one season."
The Broncos shocked the Cowboys 30-16 in Dallas, silencing a surprised crowd at AT&T Stadium. Denver rolled to 249 yards on the ground, which served to keep the Dallas offense off the field.
"They say everything is bigger in Texas," Vic Fangio said. "But apparently not britches, because the Cowboys got too big for theirs.
"But definitely running lanes, because those 249 yards came on just 19 carries. Our offensive line opened holes big enough to drive John Elway's teeth through."
Broncos win, 24-20.
Seattle @ Green Bay (-4½)
Without Aaron Rodgers, the Packers offense stagnated at Arrowhead Stadium in a 13-7 loss to the Chiefs. The unvaccinated Rodgers missed the game after testing positive for COVID on November 3rd. Jordan Love passed for only 190 yards and threw one interception and one touchdown.
"Aaron once famously said, 'R-E-L-A-X,'" Matt Lefleur said. "He now has infamously said, 'N-O-V-A-X.'
"Jordan was put in a tough position. Not only did he have to live up to his expectations, he had to live up to those of Aaron Rodgers. So, like Aaron, he had his own 'double standard.'"
The Seahawks return from their bye week with Russell Wilson back in the lineup. Wilson missed three games with a finger injury suffered on October 7th against the Rams.
"I've spent the last month vigorously rehabbing my finger," Wilson said. "I've been plucking guitars, playing with finger puppets, flicking marbles, playing the piano, and just generally fingering everything in sight.
"It's too bad this game's not being played in Seattle. If it was, the '12th Man' would show Rodgers what a real 'woke mob' is."
Seahawks win, 31-27.
Kansas City @ Las Vegas (+2½)
The Chiefs beat the visiting Packers, minus Aaron Rodgers, 13-7 at Arrowhead Stadium. K.C.'s defense blitzed Jordan Love often, and the Packers backup never found comfort in the pocket.
"We knew if we brought pressure," Andy Reid said, "Love would be forced to make quick, rational decisions, without the benefit of doing his own research, because we know he's a critical thinker. We also disguised our coverages, because we know Green Bay quarterbacks are often susceptible to 'misinformation.'
"In any case, 'The Future is Love' is a slogan that made more sense at Woodstock in 1969 than Green Bay in 2022."
The Raiders wilted on the road in a 23-16 loss to the Giants at MetLife Stadium. Derek Carr had 3 turnovers as Las Vegas fell into a tie with the Chargers atop the AFC West.
"This defeat falls squarely on my shoulders," Carr said. "This is me taking responsibility for my actions right now, and not seven years later."
Raiders win, 30-29.
L.A. Rams @ San Francisco (+4½)
The Rams offense struggled against the inspired Titans in a 28-16 loss at SoFi Stadium on Sunday night. Matthew Stafford was sacked 5 times and threw 2 interceptions.
"The Titans were simply more physical than we were," Sean McVay said. "That could possibly be a reflection of the respective head coaches. Mike Vrabel's been in wars in the NFL trenches. Me? I once spent a grueling 16-hour day shooting a 15-second Chunky Soup commercial.
"Von Miller will make his debut as a Ram against the 49ers. We're hoping Von can regain the dominating form he showed in Super Bowl 50. We welcomed him here by placing a cardboard cutout of Cam Newton at his locker along with a loose football at its feet. Just like in the Super Bowl, Cam didn't even move to try to get that ball."
The 49ers lost 31-17 at home to the Cardinals, who were without Kyler Murray and DeAndre Hopkins.
"Those are the Cardinals two best players," Kyle Shanahan said. "So, we lost at home, to a team missing its two best players, while my team was basically at full strength. In other words, I got out-coached by Kliff Kingsbury. That statement should always be followed by a resignation letter."
Rams win, 27-24.
Leave a Comment