Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Green Bay @ Arizona (-3½)
The Packers beat Washington 24-10 at Lambeau Field as Aaron Rodgers picked apart the Washington defense for 274 yards passing and 3 touchdowns, all to different receivers.
"I knew I could attack the Washington defense," Rodgers said. "You know, the 1972 Dolphins featured the 'No Name Defense,' and that reminded me of the Washington defense, and since the team has no name, you can remove the 'Name' from 'No Name Defense,' which gives you 'No Defense.' That fits Washington to a 't.'
"We'll be playing shorthanded on Thursday. Davante Adams and Allen Lazard are both on the Covid-19 list. That's called being on the receiving end of bad news.
"But I'm confident our guys will pick up the slack. By that, I mean they should 'pick up the slack' of my lengthy coattails, grab on for dear life, and ride it to wherever I take them. This could, in fact, be a three 'Hail Mary' game."
The Cardinals remained undefeated with a 31-5 win over the lowly Texans. Kyler Murray passed for 3 touchdowns, and the Texans managed just 160 yards of total offense.
"We did what we needed to do to win the game," Murray said. "Then we played the second half.
"We know it's a down year for the Texans. But brighter days are ahead for them, especially if they can trick another team into taking Deshaun Watson off their hands. Surprisingly, there appears to be three willing suitors, which is three more than Watson had."
Cardinals win, 38-28.
Carolina @ Atlanta (-2½)
The Panthers lost their fourth straight game, losing 25-3 to the Giants at MetLife Stadium. Sam Darnold was benched in the fourth quarter after connecting on just 16-of-25 passes for 111 yards and 1 interception.
"Maybe Sam is still seeing ghosts," Matt Rhule said. "Apparently a lot of them. And if you're seeing a multitude of ghosts, you're eventually gonna get 'boo'd' off the field.
"But Sam is still our starter. If you're curious as to my level of confidence saying that, look no further than our interest in acquiring Deshaun Watson from Houston. As far as quarterbacking skills go, Sam couldn't carry Deshaun's jock strap. Deshaun might ask him to, though, probably while he's still wearing it."
The Falcons beat the Dolphins 30-28 at Hard Rock Stadium. Matt Ryan passed for 336 yards and 2 scores, and Younghoe Koo kicked a 36-yard field goal as time expired as Atlanta improved to 3-3.
"We're happy to be 3-3," Arthur Smith said. "But should we be? Our three wins have come against teams with a 4-16 record. Two of our losses have come against teams with a combined 4-10 record. So, I guess what I'm saying is we should be either 1-5 or 5-1. Either way, it's not impressive."
Atlanta wins, 24-20.
Miami @ Buffalo (-13½)
The Dolphins lost 30-28 to the visiting Falcons, despite 4 touchdowns passes from Tua Tagovailoa.
"Let me just reiterate," Brain Flores said. "We have no interest in trading for Deshaun Watson. If you don't believe me, then check the reports that say Miami is the most likely destination in a Watson trade. On a side note, you should check out the parlor trick in which I speak out of both sides of my mouth. On another side note, you can't spell 'unwanted' without 'Tua.'
"As far as Watson goes, we're still doing our research to make sure he's right for this franchise. So, the jury's still out on that, among other things."
The Bills return from their Week 7 bye looking to extend their lead in the AFC East.
"We're rested," Josh Allen said, "and ready to conquer the AFC. First comes the AFC East. That's practically a done deal."
Bills win, 33-17.
San Francisco @ Chicago (+3½)
Jimmy Garoppolo had 3 turnovers in sloppy conditions as the Colts vanquished the 49ers 30-18 at Levi's Stadium. After the game, Kyle Shanahan was asked if Garappolo was still the starter. Shanahan replied, "I guess so."
"As ringing endorsements go," Shanahan said, "that one rang like Trey Lance's phone when I called him to say, 'You're the starter.'
"Sure, the weather was treacherous. They call it a 'bomb cyclone.' I'm talking about the weather system, but I could also be talking about our quarterback situation."
The Buccaneers stomped the visiting Bears 38-3 as Tom Brady passed for 4 touchdowns, while Justin Fields had 5 turnovers.
"This loss falls squarely on my shoulders," Matt Nagy said. "And my shoulders are akin to the slumped, defeated shoulders of a former NFL head coach who is now the offensive coordinator for a Division II college team.
"But until I'm told otherwise, I'm still the head coach, and I'm going to continue to do my very best, which, in essence, is exactly the problem.
"If Papa Bear Halas were alive today, he would no doubt team up with Bill Swerski to double-clothesline me off a pallet of Old Style onto a table of deep-dish pizza. Then Buddy Ryan would slap me in the face with 46 Ds. Finally, I'd be forced to watch all three seasons of 'Very Cavallari,' featuring Jay Cutler."
San Fran wins, 22-14.Pittsburgh @ Cleveland (-3½)
The injury-depleted Browns earned a tough 17-14 win over the visiting Broncos on Thursday night. D'Ernest Johnson rushed for 146 yards and a touchdown, and Case Keenum played turnover-free in place of the injured Baker Mayfield.
"Case played a heck of a game," Kevin Stefanski said. "He may be an even better game manager than Baker Mayfield, and Baker's one of the best in the business."
The Steelers had a Week 7 bye and are 3-3 in the AFC North.
"We may be last in the division," Mike Tomlin said, "but we're first on the list of '3-3 teams that could make the playoffs if the other three teams in their division 'S' the bed.'
"The key to our success is through our running game, and that means Najee Harris. Najee is what you call a 'North-South' runner. In other words, he's going the same direction as Ben Roethlisberger — downhill."
Steelers win, 24-21.
Philadelphia @ Detroit (+3½)
The Lions hung tough in a 28-19 loss to the Rams at SoFi Stadium in Jared Goff's return to Los Angeles. Goff was a pedestrian 22-of-36 for 268 yards, with a touchdown and 2 interceptions.
"It was quite the homecoming for Jared," Dan Campbell said. "He went home, and displayed the very reasons it's no longer his home. It must have felt like his Super Bowl year with them, because he made the game-clinching play for the Rams.
"But don't think for a minute we're giving up on the season. I think my guys would run through a brick wall for me. Me? I'd run through a brick wall just for the fun of it. I'd run through several for a new quarterback."
The Eagles fell 33-22 to the Raiders in Las Vegas. Philly couldn't stop Derek Carr, who was 31-of-34 for 323 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"Wow," Nick Sirianni said. "He only had three incompletions? Jalen Hurts can do that in one possession.
"I still think we can work with Jalen and make him a legitimate pocket passer. It may take time. Ideally, if he can learn it all by the time we find out we're not getting Deshaun Watson, that would be great."
Lions win, 28-27.
Tennessee @ Indianapolis (+½)
The Titans smashed the visiting Chiefs 27-3 at home to move to 5-2. Tennessee kept the Chiefs out of the end zone and scored on their first five possessions.
"We'd heard a lot about how bad the Chiefs defense was," Mike Vrabel said. "But until you see it up close, you can't truly appreciate it. And we truly appreciate it."
Colts win, 30-28.
Cincinnati @ NY Jets (+9½)
The Jets lost 54-13 to the Patriots at Gillette Stadium. The Pats piled up 451 yards of total offense and the Jets fell to 1-5.
"Zack Wilson was knocked out of the game early with a knee injury," Robert Saleh said. "It's a sprain, so he's going to miss 2 to 4 games. In his absence, Mike White will start, and we just acquired Joe Flacco from the Eagles. So we're in good hands; I'm just not sure the football is."
The Bengals overwhelmed the Ravens 41-17 in Baltimore, a result that solidified the Bengals as legitimate AFC contenders. Joe Burrow passed for 416 yards and 3 touchdowns, including an 82-yard strike to JaMarr Chase.
"That had to be a humbling defeat," Burrow said. "We took advantage of the Ravens while their fans watched helplessly. It's what you call 'home cucking.'
"We wanted to go into Baltimore and make a statement. We made that statement, had it notarized, and also left with a restraining order.
"But we can't get complacent. We haven't accomplished anything yet, and won't until we actually win a playoff game. Then, Marvin Lewis' soul can finally be at peace."
Bengals win, 27-11.
L.A. Rams @ Houston (+14½)
The Rams overcame an inspired effort from the visiting Lions in a 28-19 win at SoFi Stadium. Matthew Stafford passed for 334 yards and 3 touchdowns, two going to Cooper Kupp.
"It was good to see Jared Goff again," Sean McVay said. "I think we both needed closure, and nothing brings closure like an insincere farewell hug.
"In a situation like mine, there are no winners. In a situation like Jared's, there are also no winners, especially when he doesn't have me as head coach."
The Cardinals crushed Houston 31-5, sending the Texans to their sixth consecutive defeat.
"We actually had a 5-0 lead," David Culley said. "Jose Altuve jacked a hanging slider for a three-run shot, then Carlos Correa drilled a fastball for a two-run blast after an Alex Bregman walk. Then our pitching let us down.
"Deshaun Watson is definitely the subject of a lot of trade talk. But let me tell you, after the Arizona game, Deshaun Watson is not the only Texan 'on the table.' Keep in mind, Deshaun isn't allowed on any table."
Rams win, 38-17.
New England @ L.A. Chargers (-5½)
The 4-2 Chargers return from a Week 7 bye looking to erase the memory of a 38-6 loss to the Ravens in Week 6.
"I've already put that one behind me," Justin Herbert said. "I refuse to let a bad game bring me down. My philosophy is: 'Things could be worse.' Like for example, I could be the QB of a team involved in trade talks to acquire Deshaun Watson, who is facing a mountain of legal issues. And get this, Watson actually has veto power over a trade. So, Watson has the right to say 'no?'
The Patriots hammered the Jets 54-13 at Gillette Stadium to improve to 3-4.
"That's our 12th consecutive win over the Jets," Bill Belichick said. "Draw your own conclusions from that but mine is this: we don't need to spy on the Jets to beat them.' Not that we ever did.
"While we're on the subject of Deshaun Watson, I hear he's really excited by the Halloween season, and is especially enamored with all things Dracula-related. In fact, his yard is decorated with '22 Counts.'"
Chargers win, 27-24.
Jacksonville @ Seattle (-3½)
The Seahawks offense stagnated in a 13-10 Monday night loss to the visiting Saints at Lumen Field. Geno Smith connected early on an 84-yard TD bomb to D.K. Metcalf, but did very little afterwards. Seattle fell to 2-5, 0-3 at home.
"Geno has my full support," Pete Carroll said, "but none of my trust.
"Unfortunately, Seahawks fans have little to no support for Geno. You can tell when he's announced as the starter at Lumen Field. There's virtually no reaction, and the sound, of course, doesn't even register on the Richter Scale. It's called the 'Leastquake.'
"Russell's finger is healing nicely. He talked to his old teammate Earl Thomas, and he told Russell to keep that middle finger elevated."
The Jaguars beat the Dolphins in London in Week 6 and return to action with a bit of momentum after registering their first win.
"I think the team is behind me," Urban Meyer said. "And, as the old saying goes, 'it's better to have the whole team behind you than one woman in front of you.'"
Seahawks win, 27-21.
Washington @ Denver (-3½)
The Broncos lost their fourth straight game, falling 17-14 to the Browns at Cleveland on Thursday night.
"If not for our 3-0 start," Vic Fangio said, "we'd be 0-7 and it would be my 'bye' week.
"But we've had 10 days to rest and regroup since losing to Cleveland. That's like a 'mini-bye'; 'mini-bye' could also refer to a situation when your GM says, 'You're not fired yet, but you will be unless you win this game.'"
Washington lost 24-10 to the Packers at Lambeau Field. Washington moved the ball well against the Packers, but came up empty on five trips inside the Packers 30-yard line.
"We have to be better at getting into the end zone," Ron Rivera said. "If he wasn't such a POS, I'd have former team executive Bruce Allen to address the offense and advise them on how to 'cross the line.'"
Broncos win, 24-21.
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans (+4½)
Tampa crushed the visiting Bears 38-3 as Tom Brady passed for 4 touchdowns, 3 to Mike Evans. Brady passed the 600 touchdown passes milestone in the win.
"Like Aaron Rodgers," Brady said, "I guess I 'own' the Bears, too. And Aaron and I, as owners, are in total agreement that Matt Nagy should be fired.
"But thanks to the Bucs fan who returned that precious No. 600 football to us after Mike Evans gave it to that fan. Trust me, we made it worth his while. His 'while' is apparently worthless."
The Saints beat the Seahawks 13-10 in the wind and rain in Seattle on Monday night as New Orleans improved to 4-2.
"It was a gutsy win," Sean Payton said. "I'm sorry, I meant gusty win."
Tampa wins, 27-20.
Dallas @ Minnesota (+2½)
The Cowboys emerge from their Week 7 bye with a commanding lead in the NFC East. Dallas is 5-1 and doesn't appear to have a legitimate challenger in the division.
"Jerry Jones is loving life right now," Mike McCarthy said. "His team is hot, he's still alive, and somehow, in the review of over 650,000 emails, the NFL didn't find anything implicating him."
The Vikings had a Week 7 bye and look to extend a two-game winning streak when they face the Cowboys on Sunday night.
"If I ever throw my 600th touchdown pass," Kirk Cousins said, "I'll cherish that moment well into my 80s, which will just be a few years after I accomplish it."
Dallas wins, 28-24.
Kansas City @ New York Giants (+9½)
The Chiefs suffered an embarrassing 27-3 loss to the Titans in Nashville. Kansas City's defense held Derrick Henry in check, but Tennessee's passing attack moved the ball easily.
"We were terrible in all phases of the game," Andy Reid said. "And my team knows that, so they didn't need a demeaning speech from me. So, I kept it simple, and said one word that should get the guys' attention, 'wild card.' Actually, I should revise that to say, 'third wild card.
"Our defense does generate pressure on a quarterback. Unfortunately, it's our own."
The Giants manhandled the visiting Panthers 25-3 at MetLife Stadium to snap a two-game losing streak. New York's defense controlled the game, recording 6 sacks and limiting Carolina to 173 total yards.
"That win could have very well saved my job," Joe Judge said. "Well, you win some, you lose some."
Chiefs win, 30-26.
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