Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Denver @ Cleveland (-4½)
The Cardinals smashed the Browns 37-14 in the Dawg Pound, as Kyler Murray dominated and Baker Mayfield had 3 turnovers. The Browns fell to 3-3, tied with Pittsburgh for last in the AFC North.
"I separated my shoulder," Mayfield said, "which was already compromised by a torn labrum. Luckily, it's my non-throwing arm, which, if you ask Odell Beckham, Jr., is my right arm."
The Broncos lost 34-24 at home to the Raiders. Denver's defense underperformed, forcing no turnovers and recording only 2 sacks.
"The Raiders made us look like a team dealing with the sudden resignation of their head coach," Vic Fangio said. "But I'm not resigning. The only thing 'resigned' in Denver are the fans, who are resigned to seeing another losing season.
"Does anyone want to be associated with Jon Gruden anymore? The answer seems to be a resounding 'No,' because even horror movie icon Chucky, a cold-blooded murderer, said he no longer wants to be associated with Gruden."
Broncos win, 20-16.
Washington @ Green Bay (-9½)
Aaron Rodgers led the Packers to a 24-14 win over the Bears at Soldier Field. Rodgers passed for 2 TDs, then sealed the win with a rushing score, after which he taunted Bears fans, telling them, "I still own you."
"You know what else I take ownership of?" Rodgers said. "My actions. I don't regret any of my trash talk, not even when it's directed at my own management.
"Brett Favre definitely couldn't throw shade like I do. What he could throw was interceptions. I've only thrown 92 interceptions in my career. That's 244 fewer than Favre threw in his career. I also owe the state of Mississippi $828,000 less than Favre in misappropriated welfare funds."
Washington lost 31-13 to the visiting Chiefs and Patrick Mahomes, who passed for 397 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"The Chiefs beat us deep several times," Ron Rivera said. "That's called 'taking the top off' of a defense. I'm pretty sure 'topless defenses' were not the subject of emails between Jon Gruden and Bruce Allen."
Packers win, 31-19.
Kansas City @ Tennessee (+4½)
The Chiefs beat Washington 31-13 at FedEx Field, as K.C.'s much-maligned defense played a solid game. The Chiefs held Washington to under 300 yards of total offense and forced 2 turnovers.
"I thought our defense came to play," Andy Reid said. "It's great to see them show up ... on something other than a 'worst of' list."
Derrick Henry rushed for 143 yards and 3 touchdowns, and the Titans defense made a late goal line stop, as Tennessee beat the visiting Bills on Monday Night Football.
"At his current rate," Mike Vrabel said, "Derrick will finish the season with 459 carries, which would shatter the NFL record, and put him on pace to attend his Hall of Fame induction ceremony in a wheelchair."
Chiefs win, 34-31.
Atlanta @ Miami (+1½)
The Falcons return from their Week 6 bye with a bit of momentum, thanks to a solid win over the Jets in London in Week 5.
"Nothing turns a season around like beating the Jets," Matt Ryan said. "I'm actually saying that with a 'straight face,' which is the role I play in the Tide detergent commercial with 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin and Ice-T. 'Matty Ice' is about as far from rapper or wrestler as you can get. I have the same amount of Super Bowls as I do street cred."
The Dolphins lost 23-20 to the Jaguars at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium in London. Tua Tagovailoa passed for 329 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"It's tough losing anytime," Brain Flores, "but then I had to meet Urban Meyer at midfield for the post-game pleasantries. I said, 'Shake?' He said, 'Booty?' I said, 'No. Hands.' He was disappointed. So was I.
"Maybe Atlanta and Miami aren't big rivals in a football sense, but these two cities are always trying to outdo the other. I wouldn't be surprised if the winner of this game receives an honorary stripper pole."
Atlanta wins, 26-17.
NY Jets @ New England (-6½)
The Patriots 35-29 at home in overtime to the Cowboys. Dallas out-gained New England by more than 200 yards, but crucial takeaways kept the Pats in it.
"Sure," Bill Belichick said, "the Cowboys had a decisive edge in talent on us. But for what we lacked in talent, Mike McCarthy made up for in lack of it.
"Is there going to be additional fallout from the recent email scandal? When the NFL revealed that no other teams or personnel were implicated in their email review, Robert Kraft probably sighed and said, 'Now that was a happy ending!'"
The Jets return from their Week 6 bye with a 1-4 record.
"Zach Wilson threw 4 interceptions against the Patriots in Week 2," Robert Saleh said. "With four more games under his belt, I expect improvement. If he can be just half as bad as he was then, then we'll call that a step in the right direction."
Patriots win, 25-14.
Carolina @ NY Giants (+2½)
The Panthers lost their third consecutive game, falling 34-28 at home to the Vikings. Sam Darnold had 2 turnovers, giving him 7 in his last three games.
"Sam is returning to his old stomping grounds at MetLife Stadium," Matt Rhule said, "and since we're gonna be there, and it's also the home of the Jets, I feel like I have to ask, 'Do the Jets have a return policy on offseason transactions?'
"The biggest news in Charlotte is Christian McCaffrey being placed on injured reserve. He was placed there very gingerly, so as not to hurt anything else".
The Giants lost big at home to the Rams, who hammered the G-Men, 38-11.
"We're giving fans at MetLife Stadium absolutely nothing to cheer for," Joe Judge said. "But give 'em credit for making the most of it — during the game, they were actually holding tryouts for a new vocal ensemble group called 'A Chorus of Boos.' Good luck to the them."
Panthers win, 23-19.
Cincinnati @ Baltimore (-6½)
The Bengals creamed the Lions 34-11 at Ford Field to improve to 4-2. Joe Burrow passed for 3 touchdowns and Joe Mixon had 153 total yards.
"We've already matched last year's win total," Burrow said. "That means there's still time to match last year's loss total.
"But that's not gonna happen. We're proving we belong in the conversation in the AFC North. And the Ravens are the true measuring stick in this division. And we want to find out exactly how we measure up. So, this should be a textbook stick measuring contest."
The Ravens overwhelmed Justin Herbert and the visiting Chargers, 34-6, for their fifth consecutive win. Baltimore dominated on the ground, rushing for 187 yards while holding the Chargers to only 26.
"The Chargers offense against our defense?" John Harbaugh said. "That's what you call 'lightning in a bottle.' The Chargers call home in another time zone; we made their offense look like it came from another decade.
"Lamar's No. 8 jersey will be retired at Louisville on November 13. He'll join Johnny Unitas as the only players in school history to have their jerseys retired. I expect Ray Lewis and Ed Reed will show up, not for Lamar's sake, but because they'll think it's a celebration for 'the U.'"
Ravens win, 30-23.
Philadelphia @ Las Vegas (-2½)
The Eagles lost 28-22 to the visiting Buccaneers on Thursday night and fell to 2-4. Jalen Hurts rushed for 2 touchdowns and passed for another, but completed only 12-of-26 passes for 115 yards.
"Jalen is what you'd call a 'dual threat' quarterback," Nick Sirianni said. "He can hurt you with his legs, and hurt us with his arm.
"But keep in mind, Jalen is very young and is still learning. He's a walking teachable moment. It's our hope that he can get a special age exception to attend the Manning Passing Academy as a 23-year-old.
The Raiders whipped the Broncos 34-24 in Denver, led by Derek Carr, who passed for 341 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"With all the negative energy swirling around this franchise," Carr said, "we wanted to go out there and 'send a message.' Mind you, we didn't want to send that message via e-mail.
"He may be gone, but Jon Gruden's impact on this team continues. Like, everybody's getting sensitivity training."
Raiders win, 29-24.
Detroit @ L.A. Rams (-15½)
The Rams beat the depleted Giants 38-11 at MetLife Stadium, led by an offense that moved the ball at will. L.A.'s defense equaled the offense's effort, forcing 4 turnovers by Daniel Jones.
"The Giants were hampered by a ton of injuries," Sean McVay said. "So, they were a lot like Jason Pierre-Paul — short-handed. Heck, even when they're at full-strength, they're still short-handed.
"It's certainly going to be a tough day for Matthew. Not only will he have to deal with the emotion of seeing former teammates, he also has to deal with the emotions of telling them they can't stay."
The Lions remained winless, losing 34-11 to the visiting Bengals. Jared Goff struggled, and will face his former team at SoFi Stadium.
"I'm ready to match wits with Sean McVay," Dan Campbell said. "He's the 'Soupy Sales' of NFL coaches. Now, you'll never see me appear in a Chunky Soup commercial, unless they ask me to, but I think we have a lot in common. For one thing, we both know what it's like to be stuck with Jared Goff as your quarterback."
Rams win, 37-17.
Houston @ Arizona (-17½)
The Cardinals walloped the Browns 37-14 in Cleveland, powered by Kyler Murray's 4 touchdown passes, two of which went to DeAndre Hopkins.
"In the battle of former Oklahoma quarterbacks," Hopkins said, "it's evident that Baker Mayfield is barely an 'OK' quarterback.
"Kliff Kingsbury missed the game with Covid-19. Although he's pretty much given Kliff everything else, Patrick Mahomes did not give him Covid. I think we proved we can win without Kliff. If you think about it, this team is like an airplane, and Kliff is the pilot, a pilot who only flies on auto-pilot."
The Texans lost 31-3 to the Colts at Lucas Oil Stadium, losing their fifth straight game. Davis Mills threw 2 interceptions, while Indy's offense efficiently accumulated 397 yards of total offense.
"We're not doing anything right," David Culley said. "I think it's time to go back to the drawing board, erase everything, and replace it with scouting information for the potential No. 1 pick in the draft."
Cardinals win, 33-12.
Chicago @ Tampa Bay (-12½)
The Bucs built a 28-7 third quarter lead at Philadelphia and held on for a 28-22 win over the Eagles. Tom Brady passed for 2 touchdowns and Leonard Fournette rushed for 2 TDs.
"It was important to get out of Philly with a win," Bruce Arians said, "and alive. A lot of our players have never experienced Philly, so now they know what it's all about, as well as twice as many curse words as they did before.
"Tom is doing things most 44-year-old men can only dream about. But enough about Giselle. What Tom does behind closed doors is between him and his unlicensed Dr. Frankenstein Alex Guerrero."
The Bears lost 24-14 to the visiting Packers. Aaron Rodgers passed for 2 touchdowns and rushed for another, and taunted Bears fans after a late score.
"Rodgers obviously has our number," Matt Nagy said. "That number is zero.
"It doesn't get any easier now that we have to face Tom Brady. It should be a treat for Bears fans, because when in the hell is the last time Chicago saw great quarterback play two weeks in a row?"
Bucs win, 29-14.
Indianapolis @ San Francisco (-4½)
The Colts beat the Texans 31-3 at home to move to 2-4. Carson Wentz passed for 2 touchdowns and Jonathan Taylor rushed for 145 yards and 2 TDs.
"Carson is making a case for Comeback Player of the Year," Frank Reich said. "Before the season, he was making a case for Might Not Come Back Player of the Year.
"People have questioned my usage of Jonathan. Look, he's had 87 carries so far, which is 34 more than Jalen Hurts. People have informed me that Jalen Hurts is a quarterback. Does Jonathan want the ball more? Well, I was told he was wearing an Ezekiel Elliott 'Feed Me' shirt while reading Keyshawn Johnson's book 'Just Give Me the Damn Ball!' Allegedly, Jonathan also was listening to John Fogerty's 'Centerfield.'"
The 49ers return from a Week 6 bye at 2-3 and desperate for a win to keep from falling further behind the division-leading Cardinals.
"We can't worry about the Cardinals," Kyle Shanahan said. "We just have to worry about ourselves. That shouldn't be hard, because when I look at this team, I worry."
San Fran wins, 26-23.
New Orleans @ Seattle (+3½)
The Seahawks lost 23-20 in overtime on Sunday night to the Steelers at Heinz Field. Geno Smith, in his first start in nearly four years, played well until a fumble in overtime led to Pittsburgh's winning field goal.
"I just told Geno to go out there and be himself," Pete Carroll said. "That may have been my biggest mistake. Well, Malcolm Butler says it's my second biggest mistake.
"We're 2-4. That's not good. I'm 70-years-old. When our season losses exceed my number of colonoscopies, you know you're in trouble."
The Saints had a Week 6 bye and return to action at 3-2, one-and-a-half games behind the Buccaneers in the NFC South.
"Geno Smith versus Jameis Winston in prime time?" Sean Payton said. "This couldn't have been scripted any better ... for Peyton and Eli to spend a solid three hours humorously scrutinizing quarterback play."
Saints win, 22-20.
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