Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin finished 14th in the EchoPark Texas Grand Prix, only his fourth finish outside the top 10 this season.
"I'm just happy to make it out of there alive," Hamlin said. "Like Kevin Harvick said, it was too dangerous to be racing in those conditions. Obviously, visibility was a factor, for the drivers and for NASCAR officials, because they apparently couldn't see jack. But what better place to be shielded from treacherous elements than an ivory tower."
2. Kyle Larson — Larson finished second at the Circuit of the Americas as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Chase Elliott took the win.
"The track at the Circuit of the Americas was built for Formula 1 racing," Busch said. "Prior to 2014, F1 cars were distinguishable by their engines' high-pitched whine. Many NASCAR drivers are distinguishable by their high-pitched whines about racing in the rain."
3. Chase Elliott — Elliott won the rain-shortened EchoPark Texas Grand Prix after 54 laps, giving Hendrick Motorsports its 268th win, tying Petty Enterprises for most all time by an organization.
"I like HMS's chances to take the top spot outright," Elliott said. "Why? As you know, Petty Enterprises is defunct. That's not to be confused with 'de-funk,' which how NASCAR fans sanitize their campers after a weekend at a NASCAR infield."
4. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex's day at Cota ended early on lap 24 when Cole Custer rear-ended him as rain severely limited visibility.
"Visibility was terrible," Truex said. "If I had to give it a grade, I would give visibility a 'C minus.'"
5. William Byron — Byron suffered an early flat tire at COTA, but recovered to salvage a 12th-place finish.
"I also got rear-ended by Matt DiBenedetto," Byron said. "There seemed to be a lot of that happening at COTA — drivers wildly ramming into the back of another. And talk about an awkward situation, when the rammee confronts the rammer and asks, 'How'd your front end get into my back end?'"
6. Kevin Harvick — Harvick crashed hard in the rain on lap 19 at COTA in a chain-reaction wreck also involving Ryan Blaney, Bubba Wallace, and Christopher Bell. Harvick finished 37th. Afterwards, Harvick decried NASCAR's decision to race in the severely wet conditions.
"That was the most dangerous racing I've ever been involved in," Harvick said. "Correction. Second-most dangerous. I've raced against Kyle Busch when he was mad at me."
7. Joey Logano — Logano won Stage 1 in the EchoPark Texas Grand Prix and finished third, posting his sixth top-five of the season.
"I think NASCAR fans love wet-weather racing," Logano said. "They actually cheered when they saw the grooved tires go on. It may be one of the only times you'll see NASCAR fans fly the 'Do Tread on Me' flags."
8. Alex Bowman — Bowman finished 8th at COTA as Hendrick Motorsports teammates Chase Elliott and Kyle Larson finished 1-2.
"This was the first NASCAR Cup race at the Circuit of the Americas," Bowman said. "Say what you will about treacherous conditions, a rain-shortened race, and disgruntled drivers, but we certainly 'made a splash.'"
9. Kyle Busch — Busch won Stage 2 at COTA and finished 10th.
"I led 12 laps," Busch said, "and eclipsed the 18,000 laps led mark. Now, I don't see myself catching Richard Petty. He led over 51,000 laps in his career. That's okay, because no one's ever going to mistake me for a king. The closest I've ever come to royalty is being called a 'princess.'"
10. Brad Keselowski — Keselowski finished a disappointing 19th in the Texas Grand Prix at COTA.
"Matthew McConaughey served as grand marshal for Sunday's race," Keselowski said. "McConaughey is a superstar, so when he said, 'Drivers, start your engines,' the crowd went wild. In other words, the 'joint was lit.'"
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