Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
New England @ L.A. Rams (-4½)
The Patriots demolished the Chargers 45-0 at SoFi Stadium, shutting down rookie quarterback Justin Herbert and the L.A. offense. Cam Newton accounted for 3 touchdowns and the Pats improved to 6-6.
"Herbert was in 'La La Land,'" Bill Belichick said. "Literally, but mostly figuratively. Give me a week to prepare for a rookie quarterback, and I'll show you a rookie quarterback unprepared.
"Now, Cam may not be a polished passer like Jared Goff, but Cam more than makes up for it with his running ability, and his fashion sense. Goff could never run over a linebacker, and he could never rock the hat/scarf combo like Cam. That's probably because Goff's not into beekeeper chic."
The Rams beat the Cardinals, 38-28, as Jared Goff passed for 351 yards and a touchdown, while also adding a rush score.
"Just when you think Jared's on the verge of getting benched," Sean McVay said, "he blows up. And just when you think he's ready to cement his status as an elite quarterback, he blows it.
"Jalen Ramsey can lock down any of the NFL's best receivers. And some of their worst, which is what he'll see against the Patriots."
Rams win, 24-20.
Houston @ Chicago (+1)
The Bears squandered a late lead and lost 34-30 to the visiting Lions. Mitch Trubisky fumbled deep in his own territory with under two minutes to play. Detroit scored the game-winning TD moments later.
"All it takes is one mistake," Matt Nagy said. "But just to cover our bases, we made several.
"I know this all makes me very unpopular. But as a head coach fighting for my job, I have to block out all that noise. But it's difficult. I don't even hear the whispers calling for my firing. That's because they're drowned out by the screams calling for my firing."
The Texans lost 26-20 to the visiting Colts and dropped to 4-8, third in the AFC South. Deshaun Watson passed for 364 yards, but had no passing touchdowns.
"That shows you how much I miss Will Fuller," Watson said. "Will was my favorite TD target until the NFL dragged him away from me with a PED suspension. But that's history now. The past tense of 'dragged' is 'drug,' so it all makes sense."
The Bears go run-heavy and keep the ball out of Watson's hands. David Montgomery rushed for 122 yards and 2 scores.
Chicago wins, 27-20.
Dallas @ Cincinnati (+3½)
The Cowboys lost 34-17 to the Ravens on Tuesday at M&T Bank Stadium.
"Since my 'Gallagher-themed' comedy routine worked wonders to motivate my team at Minnesota," Mike McCarthy said, "we've decided to go to the well again with another prop comic inspired act. This time, Andy Dalton will play the role of 'Carrot Top.'
"Andy spent nine season in Cincinnati, so Sunday's game in Cincinnati is a big one for him. As a Cowboy, he's in much the same situation he often was in Cincinnati — scrambling to make it to a playoff game he'll inevitably lose if he gets there."
The Dolphins manhandled the Bengals 19-7 in Cincinnati, limiting Cincy to just 196 total yards of offense.
"I believe we crossed midfield twice," Zac Taylor said. "And one of those was at the opening coin toss.
"Five players were ejected from the game against the Dolphins. On a similar note, former Bengal miscreant Vontaze Burfict was arrested recently in Nevada on a battery charge. If there's anything that's surprising about that, it's that it didn't happen on a football field."
Dallas wins, 31-20.
Green Bay @ Detroit (+7½)
The Lions upset the Bears, 34-30, wiping out a 10-point, fourth quarter deficit. After a late Mitch Trubisky turnover, Adrian Peterson's 5-yard TD run was the game-winner.
"A.P.'s still got it," Matt Stafford said. "Just like the Department of Child Services, he's still making 'house calls.'
"Michigan lawmakers urged the Lions front office to hire 49ers defensive coordinator Robert Saleh. I'm partial to our interim coach, Darrell Bevell. Anyway, if the Lions hire Saleh, and he's inevitably fired, do we really want to see the headline that says 'Tossed Saleh'd?'"
The Packers blitzed the visiting Eagles 30-16 to improve to 9-3. Aaron Rodgers passed for 3 touchdowns, reaching 400 for his career. Rodgers reached the milestone in 193 games, fastest of all-time.
"That's an average of over 2 touchdowns per game," Rodgers said. "That's the 'Rodger's Rate,' and any defense can get it, just as Jake from State Farm says.
"Any time we face an NFC North rival, it's a big deal. It doesn't matter if it's a team with a losing record. If it did matter, we couldn't get pumped for hardly any division games."
Packers win, 34-28.
Kansas City @ Miami (+7)
The Chiefs beat the surprisingly tough Broncos 22-16 at Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday night. Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce carried the load as K.C. improved to 11-1.
"The Broncos defense always plays us really well," Andy Reid said. "I mean, really well. Their defense made our offense look practically like their offense."
The Dolphins beat down the Bengals 19-7 in Cincinnati. Tua Tagovailoa passed for 296 yards and a touchdown, while the Miami defense dominated.
"The Chiefs offense is the biggest challenge a defense can face," Brian Flores said. "They're like COVID-19 — you can only hope to contain it, and right now, if you think you can stop it, there's no shot."
Chiefs win, 30-20.
Arizona @ NY Giants (+2½)
The Giants stunned the Seahawks, 17-12, in Seattle. With Daniel Jones nursing an injured hamstring, Colt McCoy passed for a score, and Alfred Morris had 2 touchdowns.
"Colt's very name suggests he's a gunslinger," Joe Judge said. "Alfred's very name suggests he's an actuary.
"We're 5-7 in the division, tied with the Redskins for first. And the Cowboys and Eagles are not out of it by any means. The bottom line is this: whichever team wins the division will have outworked three division foes for it, and screwed another more deserving team out of a playoff spot."
Cardinals win, 24-20.
Minnesota @ Tampa Bay (-6½)
The Buccaneers had a Week 13 bye and are 7-5, chasing a wild card playoff berth.
"I'm sure Tom Brady knows he has to play better if we're going to make a Super Bowl run," Bruce Arians said. "He'll be the first to tell you that in some games, his play has been unacceptable. Tom certainly knows the difference between 'unacceptable' and 'unacceptable.' Multiple interceptions in 2 consecutive games? Totally unacceptable. Almost $1 million is PPE loans from the government? Totally acceptable.
"I know sometimes I can be hyper-critical, just as Tom can be hypocritical."
The Vikings beat the Jaguars 27-24 in overtime. Dan Bailey's 23-yard field goal won it in OT, after he missed 2 extra points and the potential game-winner late in regulation.
"I'm not gonna throw Dan under the bus," Mike Zimmer said. "But I'd like to kick him over it.
"After a 1-5 start, we've won 5 of 6 to improve to 6-6. We are very much in the playoff hunt. In fact, if the regular season ended today, we'd be the No. 7 seed. So, we'd play the No. 2 seed at their place, where we'd be the hunted, and eventually, road kill."
Buccaneers win, 34-23.
Denver @ Carolina (-3½)
The Chiefs beat the Broncos 22-16 at Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday night.
"We didn't pull off the upset," Vic Fangio said, "but we held our own. Obviously, you don't want anyone else to hold yours, so we're happy to be able to do that.
"Our quarterbacks have been sufficiently humiliated for not wearing their masks. Trust me, they felt it. For a few days, they were afraid to show their faces, or at least half of them, around here."
Panthers win, 24-20.
Tennessee @ Jacksonville (+7)
The Browns destroyed the Titans 41-35 in Nashville, as Tennessee trailed 38-7 at halftime and was forced to abandon their game plan early.
"We had to throw our game plan out the window," Mike Vrabel said. "That window was open, much like any Indianapolis receiver.
"We're gonna re-group, and come out a better team. I'm confident Derrick Henry will have a big game. Over the years, he's had his way with the Jaguars. He's stiff-armed so many Jaguars, he's been diagnosed medically with 'stiff arm.'"
The Jaguars hung tough at Minnesota before falling 27-24 in overtime. Jacksonville moved the ball well, but 4 turnovers ultimately cost them.
"And speaking of 'turnover,'" Doug Marrone said, "or more specifically, lack of turnover, why am I still the head coach here? Will firing me negatively affect the structure and continuity I bring to the team? Heck no. They just don't want to fire me, and take the chance that an interim coach will actually win a game."
Titans win, 31-26.
Indianapolis @ Las Vegas (+2½)
The Raiders shocked the Jets, 31-28, at MetLife Stadium, snatching victory from New York with a David Carr-to-Henry Ruggs 46-yard TD bomb with 5 seconds left.
"What a finish," Jon Gruden said. "I just have one question. It's not, 'What was Gregg Williams thinking?' But, 'Can we collect the bounty for finally eliminating Williams?' I heard there was a fundraiser set up to pay that bounty. It was established by disgruntled Jets fans on a fundraising site called 'Go F@#k Yourself.'"
The Colts moved back into a tie with the Titans in the AFC South with a 26-20 win over the Texans in Houston. Phillip Rivers passed for 2 touchdowns, and T.Y. Hilton had 110 yards receiving and a TD.
"T.Y. finally had his breakout game this season," Frank Reich said. "And we need him to do his best Baltimore Ravens impression and keep having breakouts."
Colts win, 27-22.
NY Jets @ Seattle (-13½)
The Seahawks struggled on offense and lost 17-12 to the Giants at Lumen Field. The Giants rushed for 190 yards and Russell Wilson had 2 turnovers.
"The Giants came to our house and made some noise," Pete Carroll said. "With no fans allowed in the stadium, the Giants assumed the role of the '12th Man.'
"Jamal Adams will be facing his former team and I know he can't wait. I know Jamal has something big in store for his former team. I'm not sure what, but it could be epic. Like, if he infiltrated the Jets sideline dressed as Joe Namath and told Adam Gase to kiss his ass."
The Jets fell to 0-12 with an unfathomable 31-28 loss to the visiting Raiders. The Jets surrendered a 46-yard touchdown pass with five seconds left on a play in which defensive coordinator Gregg Williams called an all-out blitz.
"That may have been the dumbest play call in football history," Adam Gase said. "That being said, I was totally on board. I'm sure Gregg has many more idiotic calls left in him. 'The tank is full,' so to speak."
Seattle wins, 30-21.
New Orleans @ Philadelphia (+7)
The Eagles lost 30-16 to the Packers at Lambeau Field, dropping their fourth straight game. Carson Wentz struggled before he was replaced by Jalen Hurts in the third quarter.
"It was a tough decision for me," Doug Pederson said. "Carson is the face of the franchise. It's a difficult decision for a coach to sit the face of the franchise. That decision can easily backfire, especially if the word 'on' somehow makes its way into that phrase."
Saints win, 27-23.
Atlanta @ L.A. Chargers (+2½)
The Falcons lost to the Saints 21-16, failing to avenge their Week 11 loss in New Orleans. Atlanta fell to 4-8.
"We're a better team than our record indicates," Raheem Morris said. "What that means is we're probably a 5-7 team."
The Patriots embarrassed the Chargers 45-0 at SoFi Stadium. Justin Herbert was baffled by the Patriots defense, and had 0 touchdowns and 2 interceptions.
"Call us the '49ers,'" Anthony Lynn said, "because we were run out of our own stadium.
"I'm surely on the hot seat. That seat is not only hot, it's also attached to an 'eject' button. And after leading a team that scored zero points? That's certainly a fireable offense."
Chargers win, 27-21.
Washington @ San Francisco (-3)
The Redskins stunned the unbeaten Steelers 23-17 at Heinz Field. Alex Smith picked apart the Pittsburgh defense with 296 yards passing and a touchdown.
"Alex is excited to play his former team," Ron Rivera said. "He's pretty much wrapped up the NFL's 'Comeback Player of the Year' award. And judging by the state of the 49ers QB situation, they're likely to offer him the 'Come Back and Play Here Next Year' award."
San Fran win, 23-19.
Pittsburgh @ Buffalo (-2½)
Josh Allen passed for 375 yards and 4 touchdowns as the Bills rolled to a 34-17 win over the 49ers in a game played in Arizona.
"San Fran had no answer for Josh," Sean McDermott said. "But plenty of questions for him. Like, 'Can you recommend to us a quarterback just like you?' And, 'What's it like playing against a team with no discernible pass rush?' And, 'Was Brett Hull's skate really in the crease on the game-winning goal in Game 6 of the 1999 Stanley Cup Finals?' If so, get over it."
Steelers win, 24-23.
Baltimore @ Cleveland (+1)
The Ravens beat the visiting Cowboys 34-17 on Tuesday night at M&T Bank Stadium. Baltimore rushed for 294 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"We had nearly 20 players test positive for coronavirus," Lamar Jackson said. "The Cowboys had 11 players on defense test negative for effort."
The Browns stunned the Titans 41-35 in Nashville to improve to 9-3. Baker Mayfield passed 4 touchdowns, all in the first half.
"Baker looked like Patrick Mahomes out there," Kevin Stefanski said, "if he can do that for his next 42 games."
Browns win, 31-28.
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