Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Dallas @ Chicago (+3)
The Cowboys lost 26-15 to the visiting Bills on Thanksgiving, suffering their second straight defeat and dropping to 6-6. Dallas still leads the NFC East by a game over the 5-7 Eagles.
"Like many on Thanksgiving," Jason Garrett said, "we got 'served.' And speaking of 'thanks,' the Redskins owe us some, because due to our extreme mediocrity, Washington is still in the playoff race, even at 3-9.
"Jerry Jones has assured me I won't be fired during the season. So I guess that means I'll have a Week 17 'bye.'
"Jerry may be the most invasive owner in all of professional sports, but you can't fault the man's generosity. On the day after Thanksgiving, he presented me not with turkey, but a duck dinner, specifically a lame duck dinner. And, to top it all off, he then gave me an early Christmas gift of luggage."
Mitch Trubisky passed for 338 yards and 3 touchdowns as the Bears beat the home-standing Lions, 24-20. The Bears improved to 6-6 and kept their slim playoff hopes alive.
"See," Trubisky said, "my numbers do compare favorably to those of Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson. My jersey number is '10,' which is practically right between '4' and '15.'
"My hip pointer injury feels better, but you won't see me doing that 'hip turn' exercise that Dak Prescott does. They call it the 'Dak Dance, and I hear it's like the flu, because it's a viral sensation.
"We don't think the Cowboys have a whole lot of fight left in them, not after losing three of their last four, and along with the turmoil that comes with being the team owned by Jerry Jones. See, the Cowboys are a lot like Jerry; they have a weak heart."
You have to give the Cowboys credit for being resilient. Just when you think Dallas is down for the count, the Eagles lose. This week, the Eagles get the Giants at home, so the Cowboys know they have to win. So they lose.
Bears win, 23-22.
Carolina @ Atlanta (-3)
The Falcons lost 26-18 to the visiting Saints as New Orleans clinched the NFC South title. The Saints sacked Matt Ryan 9 times and forced 3 Ryan turnovers.
"Matt really took a beating," Dan Quinn said. "He doesn't have turf toe, he's got 'turf back.' Medically, that's known as 'carpet burn.' But the injury most bothering Matt is 'stiff arm,' because he got majorly 'stiff armed' against the Saints."
The Redskins stunned the Panthers 29-21 at Bank of America Stadium, sending Carolina to its fourth-straight loss. Washington ran all over the Panthers, piling up 248 yards on the ground.
"The 'Skins had the perfect game plan," Christian McCaffrey said. "Keep the ball, and the phone, out of Dwayne Haskins' hands.
"On a sadder note, Ron Rivera was fired on Tuesday. I guess that makes him 'Down the Riverboat Ron.'
"But we can't start feeling sorry for ourselves. I refuse to utter the words 'poor us,' unless I'm describing our rush defense, because it is, indeed, 'porous.'"
Carolina wins, 26-24.
Baltimore @ Buffalo (+5½)
The Ravens beat the visiting 49ers, 20-17, in the messy weather of Baltimore, winning on Justin Tucker's 49-yard field goal as time expired. Lamar Jackson rushed for 101 yards and a score, and also tossed a TD pass.
"Justin is 'money in the M&T Bank,'" John Harbaugh said. "He's the most accurate kicker in the history of the league. If Justin was trying to kick Myles Garrett in the head, he would definitely be more successful at it that Pittsburgh's Maurkice Pouncey.
"Earl Thomas said the Ravens will be in the Super Bowl. And Earl knows what it's like to be in the Super Bowl. How do I know? Because he 'gave me the finger,' that his Super Bowl ring is on."
The Bills upset the Cowboys 26-15 in Dallas to improve to 9-3. Josh Allen passed for a score and ran for another.
"We went into AT&T Stadium with a great game plan," Allen said. "Kudos to our coaching staff for that. Here in Buffalo, we count on our coaches to coach, and our owner to stay the hell out of it. Jerry Jones sticks his nose where it shouldn't be, like the Cowboys huddle."
Ravens win, 24-21.
Cincinnati @ Cleveland (-8½)
The Browns squandered an early 10-0 lead and eventually lost 20-13 to the Steelers at Heinz Field. Cleveland is 5-7 and saw its playoff chances trimmed to almost nothing.
"Progressive Insurance just announced a new ad campaign for me," Mayfield said. "It's called 'At Home For the Playoffs With Baker Mayfield.'
"Freddie Kitchens was photographed wearing a t-shirt that said 'Pittsburgh Started It.' It wasn't the smartest decision. But seriously, you've seen Freddie — his fashion decisions are probably just as bad as his fourth down decisions."
The Bengals beat the Jets 22-6 in Andy Dalton's return to the lineup, as Cincinnati won for the first time this season. Dalton passed for 243 yards and a touchdown, and became the Bengals all-time leader in TD passes with 198.
"Andy was history," Zac Taylor said. "Now, he's making history. He passed Ken Anderson for that record, but some say he's just a mediocre version of who everyone considers the best QB in Bengals history. In other words, he's merely an 'Okay Boomer.'
"There was a Bengals fan who pledged to live on his roof until the Bengals won a game. Well, we finally liberated him. My guess he was up there with a large population of Bengals fans with the same pledge. And apparently, he's the only won who hadn't jumped."
Kitchens is photographed wearing a t-shirt that reads "Who sharted?" And is later seen wearing a t-shirt that says "My GM Will Finish This, One Day After the Regular Season Ends."
Cleveland wins, 27-21.
Washington @ Green Bay (-13)
The Packers whipped the Giants, 31-13, at snowy MetLife Stadium. Aaron Rodgers passed for 4 touchdowns, two to Davante Adams.
"The weather played right into our hands," Rodgers said. "'Snow' is never good for the Giants, unless Lawrence Taylor needs a quick powder of the nose to get amped for a game. L.T. terrorized quarterbacks in the NFL for 13 seasons. Dan Snyder and Bruce Allen have terrorized a fan base for nearly 30 years."
The Redskins rode the power rushing game of Derrius Guice and Adrian Peterson to a 29-21 upset win over the Panthers in Charlotte. The two combined for 228 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Together," Bill Callahan said, "Derrius and Adrian form quite the 1-2 punch. They are both extremely physical runners, and really punish a defense. I think a perfect nickname for the duo is 'Whipping Boys.' Derrius might just want Adrian to keep that one all to himself.
"Dwayne did exactly what we asked of him, which is absolutely nothing. He didn't turn the ball over, he didn't make any ill-advised throws, and he didn't make us think we made the right decision by drafting him."
Green Bay wins, 30-10.
Detroit @ Minnesota (-13½)
The Lions lost 24-20 to the Bears, as third-string quarterback David Blough's heroic effort fell just short. The loss officially eliminated Detroit from playoff contention.
"Our season has been defined by injuries," Matt Patricia said. "We've lost so many players to injuries, I feel like my name should be 'Matt P-attrition.'
"Matthew Stafford is doing everything possible to return this season. His back problems are very serious, so I can't in good conscious say he's 'on track' to play. I can say he's 'in traction.'"
The Vikings surrendered 448 yards of total offense to the Seahawks in a 37-30 loss in Seattle. Minnesota dropped to 8-4, a game behind the Packers in the NFC North, and currently hold the No. 6 seed in the NFC.
"The Seahawks ran it right down our throats," Mike Zimmer said, "and came out the other end. So, they wrecked both our 'A' gaps and our 'B' gaps.
"We're pleased to be the No. 6 seed. But mark my words, we haven't given up on overtaking the Packers for the NFC North title. What could be better than a playoff home game? For one thing, a playoff road game against the NFC East champion, and I use the term 'champion' very loosely there."
Vikings win, 29-21.
San Francisco @ New Orleans (-3)
The Saints beat the Falcons 26-18 on Thanksgiving to clinch the NFC South division title. Taysom Hill had a receiving touchdown and a rushing touchdown, and also deflected a punt that led to the Saints first touchdown.
"Taysom can do it all," Sean Payton said. "He can run, pass, catch, block, and keep his mouth shut about anything illegal going on. Heck, I bet he could even correctly make a pass interference call, with or without the benefit of instant replay."
The 49ers lost 20-17 in Baltimore in an inter-conference clash of powerhouse teams. San Fran rushed for 174 yards as a team, but could not stop Lamar Jackson when it counted most.
"We've proven we can run the ball on anyone," Kyle Shanahan said. "The question is, can Jimmy Garoppolo throw the ball on anyone? That may be the key to our post-season fortunes. We need the 'G' in 'Jimmy G' to stand for 'Gangster' as opposed to 'Generic.'"
San Francisco wins, 24-21.
Miami @ N.Y. Jets (-5½)
The Jets flopped at Cincinnati, losing 22-6 to the previously winless Bengals. New York's three-game winning streak came to an end; the Jets are 4-8, just a game ahead of the last place Dolphins in the AFC East.
"Maybe a three-game winning streak made us overconfident," Adam Gase said. "A 'big head' is just as much a detriment to winning as a big spleen. Interestingly enough, mono did two things this year: prevented us from having any shot at the playoffs, and served as the excuse that saved my job.
"We became the first team in NFL history to lose to two teams in the same season who entered the game 0-7 or worse. That practically makes us bigger losers than those two teams."
The Dolphins erased a 28-14 third-quarter deficit to shock the visiting Eagles 37-31. Ryan Fitzpatrick passed for 3 touchdowns, while punter Matt Haack hit kicker Jason Sanders for a one-yard touchdown on a trick play.
"We gave the Eagles all they could handle," Brian Flores said, "which isn't much.
"Hopefully, this will put to bed any remaining notions that we're 'tanking' for the No. 1 pick in the draft. That's not true. Now, we may be tanking for the No. 3 pick in the draft, or the No. 2 pick. Heck, the No. 4 pick will probably work out just fine, because we'd be picking after the Bengals, Giants, and Redskins. And just look at their QB situations."
Jets win, 27-20.
Indianapolis @ Tampa Bay (-3)
The Colts lost 31-17 in a game that turned on a blocked Adam Vinatieri field goal that the Titans returned for a touchdown. Vinatieri had another field goal blocked and missed another.
"We've got to stop kicking ourselves," Frank Reich said. "Actually, I think we need to just stop kicking.
"But let's face it. Adam is getting up there in age. He's 46-years-old, and the oldest player in the league. Maybe it's time we replaced him with a young kicker with fresh legs. In other words, Adam needs to be 'youth-anized.'"
Buccaneers win, 27-24.
Denver @ Houston (-9)
Denver nipped the visiting Chargers, 23-20, in rookie quarterback Drew Lock's first start. A long pass interference call on the Chargers set up Brandon McManus' game-winning 53-yard field goal.
"Drew showed a lot of promise," VicFangio said. "Finally, John Elway can say he drafted a 'Lock' at quarterback."
The fired-up Texans beat the visiting Patriots 28-22 on Sunday night to improve to 8-4. Deshaun Watson passed for 3 touchdowns, and also had a TD reception.
"When you're playing the Patriots," Watson said, "you're also playing the 'Patriot Mystique.' 'Patriot Mystique' is also what Tom Brady calls Alex Guerrero, his dieticianoctologist. But who am I to question Tom's methods? If paying an Internet-trained 'doctor' to blow smoke up my ass would get me 6 rings, then by all means, 'vape my gape.'"
Former Bronco and Texan Brock Osweiler shows up at NRG Stadium expecting an induction into the Rings of Honor of both teams, but in reality, he's just being declared a bust, not given one.
Texans win, 24-17.
L.A. Chargers @ Jacksonville (+3)
The Chargers lost 23-20 at Denver, losing on Brandon McManus' 53-yard field goal as time expired. The kick was set up by a pass interference call on Casey Hayward.
"If there's a way to lose a game," Anthony Lynn said, "then we'll find it. And we usually don't have to look hard. If we could play ourselves, we'd be undefeated, because we always 'beat ourselves.'
"On the bright side, I'm pleased with the way Phillip Rivers bounced back. He only threw one interception. If he can average just one interception per game, as opposed to per quarter, we could really go places."
The Jaguars lost 28-11 to the Buccaneers, losing their fourth straight game to fall to 4-8. Nick Foles struggled, turning the ball over three times before being pulled for Gardner Minshew.
"Nick is now 0-4 as a starter in Jacksonville," Doug Marrone said. "Gardner Minshew would like to point out that that's 4 fewer wins than he has as a starter. For that reason, I've named Gardner the starter for the remainder of the season. And you can bet Tom Coughlin is on his rotary phone looking for ways out of this Foles contract.
"Our defense is playing 'lights out.' By that, I mean when I watch them play, it takes me to a dark place. They're playing like a box of 'D's.' And what can you make with a box of 'D's?' A 'D'-fence."
Chargers win, 29-23.
Tennessee @ Oakland (+3)
The Chiefs crushed the Raiders 40-9 at Arrowhead Stadium, dealing Oakland its seventh straight loss in Kansas City. Derek Carr struggled, throwing 2 interceptions, one of which was returned for a touchdown.
"Derek struggles on the road," Jon Gruden said. "So, I think I might leave him at 'home' when we move to Vegas."
The Titans beat the Colts 31-17 at Lucas Oil Stadium to improve to 7-5 and remain a game behind the Texans in the AFC South.
"Everyone is contributing to our success," Mike Vrabel said. "The offense, the defense, special teams. Even Marcus Mariota is wearing his baseball cap with a conviction I haven't seen before. As long as that cap stays on his head, the sky's the limit for our potential."
Raiders win, 27-24.
Kansas City @ New England (-3)
The Chiefs rolled to a 40-9 win over the visiting Raiders, using a strong defensive effort and solid running attack to extend their lead atop the AFC West.
"Let's face it," Patrick Mahomes said, "the Raiders aren't in the same league with us. Division? Yes. Conference? Yes. League? Technically, yes, but realistically, no. Often, Carr is on a different page than his receivers.
"But it's on to New England, where the clam chowder is as thick as concrete, and where Patriots receivers appear to be running in it. If Tyreek Hill lined up to race the Pats receivers in a 40-yard dash, he'd leave them in the dust. If it was versus Patrick Chung, he'd leave him in the angel dust."
The Patriots suffered a frustrating 28-22 loss to the Texans in Houston on Sunday night to fall out of the top spot in the AFC.
"As you could tell," Tom Brady said, "my receivers weren't open. That is, until I started yelling at them; then they became 'open to suggestions.'
"We're not going to panic. We know it doesn't take much to turn things around. Sometimes, it's a single play. Other times, it's a controversial call by the officials, like a phantom trip, or calling a fumble an incomplete pass.
"But without a speedy wide receiver, this team is not a 'deep threat' in the playoffs. Some say we should bring back Antonio Brown. But he's got too much baggage, and he carries that baggage in a 'basket case.'"
New England wins, 27-22.
Pittsburgh @ Arizona (+2½)
The Steelers beat the Browns 20-13 in the teams' first meeting since the infamous Myles Garrett helmet swing on November 14th. Devlin Hodges sparked the win with 212 yards through the air and a big TD pass to James Washington that tied the game at 10-10 late in the first half.
"As was expected," Mike Tomlin said, "tensions were high against the Browns. It was a huge game. Both teams were scrambling like crazy to stay in the wild card race. And that's the decent and proper way to play the 'race' card."
The Cardinals were blown out 34-7 at home by the Rams, who shut down Kyler Murray and had their way on offense, with Jared Goff passing for 424 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"We were woefully unprepared for this game," Kliff Kingsbury said. "We didn't cover any of our bases, or the points, for that matter.
"And that brings me to Josh Shaw, who was suspended through at least the 2020 season for betting on NFL games, including our games. He actually bet against us, which may be the smartest decision he's made in all of this."
Pittsburgh wins, 26-20.
Seattle @ L.A. Rams (+1)
The Seahawks scored 24 unanswered points to start the second half to spur a 37-30 win of the visiting Vikings. Seattle moved into a tie atop the NFC West with the 49ers by virtue of San Fran's loss in Baltimore, and Seattle holds the tiebreaker by virtue of their Week 10 win over the 49ers.
"We rushed for 218 yards," Pete Carroll said. "We knew we could run on the Vikings. Our offense is what you would call 'run-heavy.' And 'Run Heavy' also happens to be Rashad Penny's nickname.
"If we hand the Rams a loss, they can probably kiss their playoff hopes goodbye. But at least they can enjoy the holidays without the stress of playoff worry. So, 'La La Land' could become 'Fa La La La Land.'"
The Rams crushed the Cardinals 34-7 in Arizona to bounce back from their 45-6 blowout loss to the Ravens. Jared Goff passed for 424 yards and 2 touchdowns as L.A. improved to 7-5.
"Jared played with a sense of urgency," Sean McVay said. "And just the right amount of urgency. Sometimes, you can be too urgent, like we were when we signed Jared to a long-term extension."
Rams win, 30-28.
N.Y. Giants @ Philadelphia (-8)
The Packers beat the Giants 31-13, handing the G-Men their eight consecutive loss. Daniel Jones threw 3 interceptions while Aaron Rodgers torched the Giants defense for 4 TD passes.
"Daniel just has to be better," Pat Shurmur said. "If he wants to be called 'Danny Dimes,' then he needs to make 'change.'
"We're reeling. That's the opposite of 'rolling,' which is what my head may soon be doing. I just survived Black Friday. Let's see if I can survive Black Monday."
The Eagles lost 37-31 to the Dolphins in Miami, a loss which dealt a serious blow to Philly's playoff hopes.
"And speaking of 'serious blows,'" Doug Pederson said, "you might as well describe our performance in Miami as 'Phil-atio.' In other words, it sucked.
"The NFC East is there for the taking. But it's like neither the Cowboys or us want to grab it. The division title is like a hot potato, or Colin Kaepernick, because no one wants to put their hands on it."
Eagles win, 30-17.
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