Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Chicago @ Detroit (+3)
The Bears beat the visiting Giants, 19-14, and improved to 5-6. Mitch Trubisky passed for a score and ran for another, but also threw 2 interceptions.
"Mitch was playing with pain," Matt Nagy said. "He's been dealing with a hip pointer. I wish I could say his 'hip pointer' is just a really cool dog. But it's not. It's a painful injury. It's like me in a press conference when I'm very irritable. It's 'Nagg-y.'
"Once again, our defense kept us in the game. Our offense also 'keeps our defense in the game,' because the offense can't stay on the field."
The Lions lost 19-16 to the Redskins at FedEx Field. Jeff Driskel threw 3 interceptions, with the last coming deep in their own territory.
"That was a real backbreaker," Matt Patricia. "And with that being said, I'll segue into the subject of Matthew Stafford. We've considered shutting down Matthew for the year because of his injuries, which includes, but is not limited to, fractured bones in his back.
"Matt is one of the toughest quarterbacks in the history of the league. It makes you wonder how in the hell Brett Favre started 297 consecutive games. Well, he did with a mix of extreme grit and unparalleled determination, and with a mix of Vicodin and draft beer."
Tribisky makes a difference on the ground, with 61 rushing yards, and the Bears defense does its usual thing, winning the time of possession battle with their own offense.
Chicago win, 22-11.
Buffalo @ Dallas (-6½)
The Cowboys lost 13-9 to the Patriots in cold and rainy Gillette Stadium. The Patriots defense limited Dallas to just 3 field goals, while Tom Brady and the offense did just enough to win.
"I know I could have done more to help the team," Dak Prescott said. "Not that I'm contractually obligated to do so. Which begs the question: who is more contractually obligated? Me, or the Cowboys. No matter. At the end of the day, I'm going to sleep like a baby ... on my Sleep Number mattress. My Sleep Number is $36 million a year, and rising.
"Jerry Jones basically blamed the coaches for the loss. And Jerry doesn't just throw people under the bus, he throws them under his private jet. Jason Garrett has spent much of his tenure as head coach crawling out from under various vehicles, mostly buses. But he's still here, and the team is still here. And, if you ask Jerry, we'll still be here when the Super Bowl takes place on February 2, 2020."
The Bills dominated on defense in a resounding 20-3 win over the visiting Broncos. Buffalo held Denver to just 134 yards of total offense and 9 first downs.
"The Broncos appeared winded playing in Buffalo," Josh Allen said. "That's unusual, because they play in the rarefied air of Denver. They're not used to playing at sea level, or 'C' level, for that matter. They're more like a 'D' level team.
"Frank Gore passed Barry Sanders and moved into third on the NFL's all-time rushing yards list. Only Walter Payton and Emmitt Smith are ahead of him. I'd talk more about it, but you know Frank. He'd rather focus on the team rather than himself. So, I'll spare you the 'Gore-y' details."
Dallas wins, 27-19.
New Orleans @ Atlanta (+6½)
The Saints upended the Panthers 34-31 in the Superdome, winning on Will Lutz's 33-yard field goal as time expired.
"Will has always been clutch," Sean Payton said. "Jason Slye? His 'clutch' needs replacing.
"Can you believe it? The Panthers challenged a non-pass interference call, and replay officials changed the call to pass interference! And after what happened in last year's NFC championship game. It's like the NFL is just screwing with us. I guess NFL officiating is saying, 'You can have your 'PI,' and 'EAT IT!'
"The Falcons whipped our butts in Week 10. So, we plan on avenging that. Some say, 'revenge is a dish best served cold.' Others say, 'revenge is a dish best served in the form of a year-long suspension.'"
The Falcons two-game winning streak came crashing to a halt in a 35-22 loss to the visiting Buccaneers.
"We came crashing back down to earth," Dan Quinn said. "Not that we were floating that high above earth before this loss. We may have been the most overrated 3-7 team in the history of football."
Saints win, 31-19.
N.Y. Jets @ Cincinnati (+3½)
The Jets smashed the visiting Raiders 34-3, led by Sam Darnold, who passed for 315 yards and 2 touchdowns, and also added a rush TD.
"Obviously," Darnold said, "there are no 'ghosts' on the Oakland defense. Why? Because no one would be caught dead playing defense for that team. Are there any ghosts on the Raiders offense? Maybe. If there are, that would be called a 'West Ghost Offense.'
"We've won our last three games. We call that a 'hot streak.' The three-game losing streak before that? We call that a 'brown streak.' We ended that 'skid.'"
The Bengals blew a 7-3 halftime lead and eventually lost 16-10 at home to the Steelers and remained winless at 0-11.
"This is uncharted territory," Zac Taylor said. "I don't mean being 0-11; I mean, we actually had a halftime lead.
"We're going back to Andy Dalton at quarterback. It appears the 'Red Rifle' has become the 'Red Refill.'"
Jets win, 23-17.
Tennessee @ Indianapolis (-2½)
The Colts lost 20-17 to the Texans last Thursday and dropped to 6-5, a game behind the Texans in the AFC South. Indy moved the ball on the ground, but the passing game stagnated, as Jacoby Brissett managed only 129 yards through the air.
"We went with a very conservative game plan," Frank Reich said. "And, the criticism of that choice has been liberal."
The Titans pounded the Jaguars 42-20 in Nashville to improve to 6-5 and remain in the hunt in the AFC South. Ryan Tannehill passed for 2 touchdowns and ran for 2 others, while Derrick Henry rushed for 159 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"Benching Marcus Mariota for Ryan may be the best coaching decision of my career," Mike Vrabel said. "Now, the decision didn't come easy. I put a lot of thought into it, specifically six weeks worth of thought. My overly careful consideration may end up costing us a playoff spot.
"Luckily, my players and coaching staff can all enjoy Thanksgiving without having to worry about a turkey day game. This team has a big collective appetite. Come the day after Thanksgiving, you could say we 'ate and ate.' Come season's end, you could say we're '8-8.'"
Colts win, 24-20.
Oakland @ Kansas City (-9½)
The Chiefs return from a bye week after their 24-17 Week 11 win over the Chargers in Mexico City. Patrick Mahomes passed for only 189 yards and 1 touchdown, but the K.C. rushing attack produced 130 yards and 2 scores.
"We took what the Chargers defense gave us," Andy Reid said. "And, we took what their offense gave us, which was 4 Phillip Rivers interceptions.
"We're expecting a fired up Raiders team. They just got smoked by the Jets, and the Raiders are in a must-win situation. If they lose, they're two games behind us and virtually out of the playoff hunt. In other words, the only playoff team coming out of the AFC West will be the division winner. So, we're gonna show the Raiders 'How the West Was One.'"
The Jets crushed the visiting Raiders, 34-3, as New York's top-rated rushing defense shut down the Oakland run attack.
"I took David Carr out of the game in the third quarter," Jon Gruden said. "It was a smart move by me, because I'm a better game manager than he is."
Chiefs win, 34-21.
Philadelphia @ Miami (+9)
The Dolphins lost 41-24 to the Browns in Cleveland after falling in a 28-3 halftime hole. Miami is 2-9, last in the AFC East.
"That's the Cleveland team everyone expected at the beginning of the season," Brian Flores said. "Likewise, that's the Miami team everyone expected at the beginning of the season."
The Eagles lost their second consecutive home game, losing 17-9 to the Seahawks. Carson Wentz had 4 turnovers and the injury-riddled Eagles struggled to find their way on offense.
"Carson is struggling," Doug Pederson said. "He's playing like the shell of his former self, which happens to be another shell of his former self.
"Please understand, we've been riddled by injuries all season, and that's no joke. It's almost comical.
"We have to win our final five games and hope for some help. That 'help' could come from any teams playing the Cowboys. Or, any officials assigned to Cowboys games. If we can get a 'leg up' on the competition, and the refs don't see it, then we're in business."
Eagles win, 26-20.
Green Bay @ N.Y. Giants (+6½)
The Giants lost 19-14 to the Bears in Chicago and have now lost 7 straight games.
"I'm mystified as to why we're so bad," Pat Shurmur said. "We have the individual pieces to be a good team, but as a whole, we're not getting it done. 'A whole' is very close to 'A hole,' which is the attitude I take when you question my future as head coach."
The Packers were overpowered by the 49ers in a 37-8 loss on Sunday Night Football. Defensive coordinator Robert Saleh's unit held Aaron Rodgers to just 104 yards passing.
"We're 0-2 in the state of California this year," Rodgers said. "And the combined score in those two losses is 63-19. So, we're very susceptible in California. In other words, we're 'super-Cali-fragile-istic.'"
Packers win, 31-17.
Washington @ Carolina (-10)
The Panthers lost 34-31 to the Saints in New Orleans. Jason Slye missed an easy 28-yard field goal which would have given Carolina a 34-31 lead. The Saints then moved into position for Will Lutz's game-winning 33-yard kick.
"I think I head Jason had a problem with his plant foot," Ron Rivera said. "No, that's not right. It was me that had a problem with the 'plant' foot. My 'plant' foot is the one I wanted to plant in Slye's behind. The problem was I didn't get to do it."
The Redskins beat the visiting Lions 19-16 to give Washington its second win of the season. Rookie quarterback Dwayne Haskins picked up his first win as a starter.
"This calls for a celebration," Bill Callahan said, "for any team in the running for the No. 1 pick in the 2020 draft.
"Dwayne actually missed the final snap because he was taking a selfie with a fan. That to me is inexplicable, why a fan would even want a selfie with a quarterback who went 13-for-29 for 156 yards and an interception. If that selfie of Haskins would have been taken on Jalen Ramsey's phone, you can best believe it would have been moved to 'Trash.'
"We think we can attack the Panthers down the field. That way, we can say Dwayne is 'bombing' and mean it in a positive light."
Panthers win, 30-13.
Tampa Bay @ Jacksonville (-1)
The Buccaneers whipped the Falcons 35-20 at Mercedes-Benz Stadium to continue their up and down season. Jameis Winston shook off two early interceptions to finish with 313 yards passing and 3 touchdowns.
"Jameis may the most unpredictable player in the league," Bruce Arians said. "You never know what he's going to do. So, we have a decision to make about him: to pay or not to pay. That's also happens to be Jameis' motto when shopping."
The Titans walloped the Jaguars, 42-20, handing Jacksonville its third straight loss, all in the division. The Jags are 4-7, three games behind the Texans in the AFC South.
"Nobody is happy with what's happening with our team," Doug Marrone said. "Except Jalen Ramsey, maybe. Anyway, I've got Tom Coughlin on my case. Tom's got his adult diapers in a wad about the direction of this team. It's too bad the trade deadline has passed, because Tom could be cooking up a blockbuster trade that would send Nick Foles back to the Eagles. It's the new 'Philly Special,' because Foles is 'really special,' but only in Philly, in the playoffs."
Jags win, 30-27.
San Francisco @ Baltimore (-6½)
Lamar Jackson passed for 5 touchdowns as the Ravens cruised to a 45-6 road win over the Rams. Jackson became the first quarterback to throw for 5 TD's on Monday Night Football.
"Wade Phillips' defense had no answer for Lamar," John Harbaugh said. "Wade's never seen a quarterback like Lamar, or an offense like that. Our offense has more wrinkles than my brother Jim's khakis. And the same number of wins over Ohio State.
"This is a rematch of Super Bowl XLVII. That game was known mostly for two things: a blackout, and Joe Flacco's last hurrah. Seriously, it was the last time he was cheered."
The 49ers blew past the visiting Packers 37-8, as the San Fran defense roughed up Aaron Rodgers, while Jimmy Garoppolo passed for 253 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"Jimmy looked at the Packers secondary," Kyle Shanahan said, "and he saw dollar signs, or the Arizona Cardinals secondary."
Ravens win, 22-19.
L.A. Rams @ Arizona (+3)
The Ravens pummeled the Rams in Los Angeles, sending Jared Goff and company reeling in a 45-7 defeat. The Rams fell to 6-5, third in the NFC West.
"That was an embarrassment," Sean McVay said. "Jared Goff's contract is an 'embarrassment of riches.'
"At the very least, we proved we can play with the NFL's best, while at the same time, playing like the NFL's worst.
"Jalen Ramsey and Marcus Peters got into a heated argument after the game. I'm not sure what it was about, but my guess is it had something to do with Jordan Peele's new movie 'Get Out (of L.A. While You Can)."
Rams win, 28-21.
L.A. Chargers @ Denver (+2½)
The Chargers lost 24-17 in Mexico City as Phillip Rivers threw 4 interceptions, the final one in the end zone to seal the win for the Chiefs.
"I take full responsibility for the loss," Rivers said. "And I'll make that same confession to my Catholic priest."
The Broncos failed to reach 200 yards of offense in a 20-3 loss in Buffalo.
"Brandon Allen struggled mightily," Vic Fangio said. "And that opens up the possibility of starting rookie QB Drew Lock. He's another of John Elway's pet projects. Like most of Elway's QB draft picks, Drew will eventually be released. He'll be placed on waivers, and this organization will be 'wavers goodbye.'
"Hopefully, our home-field advantage will work in our favor. It's never easy playing in the mile high environs of Denver. The air is thin, so getting a full breath is not always easy. And even when you do, it smells like weed."
Chargers win, 21-16.
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh (+2)
The Steelers beat the Bengals 16-10 in Cincinnati, sparked by Devlin "Duck" Hodges, who took over at quarterback after Mason Rudolph was benched in the third quarter. Pittsburgh is 6-5, three games behind the Ravens in the AFC North.
"I felt like we needed a change at quarterback," Mike Tomlin said. "So, I actually took Mason's helmet ... and hit myself over the head with it, just as a reminder not to play him.
"You can best believe we'll be fired up for this game. Devlin's helmet is on, and some additional equipment means it's on tighter than usual. You can call it a 'double strap on.' Now, if someone swings a helmet in the direction of Devlin's head, I think he'll know what to do."
The Browns beat the Dolphins, 41-24, led by Baker Mayfield's 3 touchdowns, two of which went to Jarvis Landry and one to Odell Beckham, Jr.
"We've got playmakers," Mayfield said, "and we need those playmakers making plays, and not making false and wildly inaccurate accusations. What Garrett says seems to be 'Myles' from the truth. But we'll stand behind him, where we're less likely to be hit by a helmet."
Browns win, 23-14.
New England @ Houston (+3)
The Patriots leaned on their defense in a 13-9 win over the Cowboys at Gillette Stadium. New England improved to 10-1.
"I'm just glad our team is owned by Robert Kraft," Tom Brady said, "and not Jerry Jones. Jerry doesn't know when to shut his mouth. Robert does know when to shut his mouth, and that's when his lawyers tell him to.
"Rob Gronkowski is throwing a party in Miami during Super Bowl week. He's calling it 'Gronk Beach.' Rob's also serving as 'DJ,' because he's a 'dumb jock' with capital letters."
The Texans beat the Colts 20-17 on Thursday night, led by Deshaun Watson and DeAndre Hopkins, who connected for 2 touchdown strikes. With the win, Houston surged to sole possession of the lead in the AFC South.
"We certainly have the offensive talent to beat anybody," Bill O'Brien said. "And the coaching to beat ourselves."
Patriots win, 26-20.
Minnesota @ Seattle (-3)
The Seahawks manhandled the Eagles in Philadelphia, forcing 4 turnovers in a 17-9 win. While Russell Wilson struggled, Rashad Penny picked up the slack, with 129 yards on the ground, including a 58-yard, game-sealing TD run.
"This is clearly the best game of the week on the NFL slate," Pete Carroll said. "You've got two teams that clearly have the talent to win it all, on the Monday night stage with massive playoff implications. So take it from me, Pete Carroll, 'run, don't walk, and definitely don't pass,' to CenturyLink Field, or your television, to see it."
Seahawks win, 28-26.
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