Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Indianapolis @ Houston (-3½)
The Ravens manhandled the visiting Texans 41-7 in Baltimore. The Houston offense never got on track, and Deshaun Watson was sacked 6 times by Baltimore's aggressive defense.
"We've had protection issues all season," Bill O'Brien said. "So it's a good thing Deshaun is a 'running' quarterback, because he's running like his life depended on it. The OL is blocking like it did not.
"On the bright side, we're the Houston football team. That means we don't offend the Chinese or steal baseball signs. But if it would help our offensive line, I'm willing to try anything."
The Colts walloped the Jaguars, 33-13, powered by a running game that rolled to 264 yards on the ground. Indy is now 6-4, tied with the Texans atop the AFC South.
"We had two guys rush for 100 yards," Frank Reich said. "What does that tell you about the Jacksonville rush defense? It tells you there are lots of openings in that defense, including one big opening, for a new defensive coordinator.
"Things are going great for us in other areas too. Adam Vinatieri hit all of his kicks on Sunday. That earned him the title of 'made' man in the Indianapolis mafia, which I'm guessing has some connection to Jim Irsay."
Colts win, 24-23.
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-4½)
The Buccaneers lost 34-17 to the Saints at Raymond James Stadium. Jameis Winston passed for 313 yards and 2 TDs, but also threw 4 interceptions.
"We got off to a terrible start," Bruce Arians said. "Some fantasy owners say Jameis Winston is a 'terrible start.' Here's a stat that gives a good idea just how often Jameis throws interceptions: Mike Evans, Chris Godwin, and O.J. Howard have combined for 11 tackles this season. Jameis is the less talented, more urban version of Phillip Rivers."
The Falcons won their second straight, defeating the Panthers 29-3 in Charlotte. The Atlanta defense kept Christian McCaffrey out of the end zone, and intercepted Kyle Allen 4 times.
"I'd like to thank Arthur Blank for donating to my charity," Dan Quinn said, "which supports coaches on the hot seat. That charity is called 'Benefit of the Doubt.'
"Arthur's is the coolest owner in the NFL. I've never heard him utter a harsh word to anyone, except for that time he told Scarlett O'Hara that frankly, he didn't give a damn."
Tampa wins, 27-24.
Denver @ Buffalo (-4)
The Bills beat the Dolphins 37-20 to improve to 7-3, two games behind the 9-1 Patriots in the AFC East. Josh Allen passed for 3 scores and rushed for another.
"Josh can beat you in two ways," Doug McDermott said, "which is two more than you need to beat the Dolphins.
"Right now, we're the No. 5 seed in the AFC. But we haven't given up on winning the AFC East. Unfortunately, neither have the Patriots."
The Broncos blew a 20-0 halftime lead in Minnesota and eventually lost 27-23. The Denver defense stifled Dalvin Cook and the Viking rush attack, but had no answer for Kirk Cousins, who passed for 3 TDs.
"Speaking of 'not having an answer at quarterback,'" Vic Fangio said, "John Elway is our general manager. If nothing else, Brandon Allen has one thing working in his favor -- he wasn't drafted by Elway."
Bills win, 22-14.
N.Y. Giants @ Chicago (-6½)
The Giants had a Week 11 bye and return for the stretch run looking to build momentum towards a strong finish to the season.
"In other words," Pat Shurmur said, "we have zero chance of making the playoffs. To drive that point home, I've invited Jim Mora, Sr. to a special session in which my players can ask him about the playoffs. I'm pretty sure I know what his answer will be.
"Saquon Barkley is definitely playing. He might not be at 100%, but you can best believe he'll fight for every inch. He did that in Week 10 against the Jets, when he rushed 13 times for one yard. That's approximately 3 inches per rush. By comparison, Brandon Jacobs could do that and score 4 touchdowns.
"Daniel Jones wants to trademark the 'Danny Dimes' nickname. Maybe Danny wants to have his own candy bar like Reggie Jackson, but 'Butterfinger' was already taken."
The Bears sputtering offense continued to do so in a 17-7 loss in L.A. to the Rams. Chicago fell to 4-6, third in the NFC North.
"This franchise passed on Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson before drafting Mitch Trubisky in the 2017 draft," Matt Nagy said, "and they've been kicking themselves ever since. It's the one kick they know won't miss. And they're still kicking themselves for it. It's the 'whiff' that keeps on giving."
Chicago wins, 28-17.
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati (+6½)
The Steelers lost 21-7 at Cleveland Thursday night in a game that ended with a brawl that resulted in Myles Garrett ripping off the helmet of Mason Rudolph and slamming it over his head.
"Mason was newly 'crowned,'" Mike Tomlin said. "As a result, so was Garrett, as the 'NFL's dirtiest player.'
"Things got ugly in a hurry. I'm not talking about the brawl; I'm talking about Ben Roethlisberger. He's really let himself go. He looks like a hobo, or a Browns fan, or an NFL player with a multitude of concussions who's been out of the league for years, lives in a cardboard box, and can't get any help from the league. But by all means, let's extend the season to 17 games.
"Luckily, Mason is not in concussion protocol. However, Garrett is in 'repercussion protocol."
The Bengals hung tough at Oakland, but lost 17-10 to the Raiders. Cincinnati is 0-10.
"We're far from perfect," Zac Taylor said. "After watching LSU's Joe Burrow play, I'm 'perfectly' okay with that.
"When I arrived in Cincinnati, it was on the coattails of Sean McVay. And I promised that, eventually, I would lead this team from the bottom of the AFC North to the top. Good news! It happened sooner than I thought, because we went from last in 2018 to the 'first' team eliminated from the playoffs this year."
Steelers win, 24-16.
Miami @ Cleveland (-10½)
The Browns beat the Steelers 21-7 on Thursday night in a game marred by a brawl in which Myles Garrett ripped off Mason Rudolph's helmet and clubbed Rudolph in the head with it. Garrett was subsequently suspended for the entirety of the 2019 season.
"Let's not blow this out of proportion," Freddie Kitchen said. "It's not assault; it is, however, the most egregious face mask penalty in the history of the game.
"I think Myles just temporarily lost his mind, or temporarily went back in time to the Raiders circa 1977, when ripping an opponent's helmet off meant something only if said opponent's head was still in it."
The Dolphins lost 37-20 to the Bills at Hard Rock Stadium, seeing their two-game winning streak come to an end.
"If you would have said 'two-game winning streak' at the beginning of the season," Brian Flores said, "I would have guessed you were referring to our three AFC East opponents' records against us this season.
"The Browns are playing well, and I'm sure the Dawg Pound will be quite vociferous. Talk about a 'sea of orange.' Here's another 'sea of orange': Freddie Kitchens. Freddie is 'Great,' but only when you add 'Pumpkin' to it."
Cleveland wins, 26-21.
Carolina @ New Orleans (-9½)
The Saints whipped the Buccaneers 34-17, dominating on both sides of the ball. Drew Brees passed for 3 touchdowns, and the Saints defense intercepted Jameis Winston 4 times, returning one for a touchdown.
"Our defensive game plan was to make Jameis think," Sean Payton said. "It worked so well, Bruce Arians asked Jameis on several occasions, 'what were you thinking?!'
"I think it's a good time to fondly recall former Saint Kyle Turley. Turley ripped off a New York Jets player's helmet and tossed it in the air back in 2001. That helmet was 'very high' and took awhile to 'come down,' much like Kyle when he was addicted to painkillers."
The Panthers fell to the suddenly-hot Falcons, 29-3. Kyle Allen struggled and threw 4 interceptions as Carolina fell to 5-5, three games behind the 8-2 Saints in the NFC South.
"Our owner David Tepper said he won't tolerate 'long-term mediocrity," Ron Rivera said. "And I won't tolerate an owner who doesn't have the guts to say what he means.
"On a related note, Cam Newton just started a new fashion line. I think he's calling it 'Leverage.' The product is way overpriced, but people will pay for it, because the alternative isn't that impressive, or has thrown 9 interceptions in its last four games."
Saints win, 27-21.
Oakland @ N.Y. Jets (+3)
The Jets beat the Redskins 34-17 at FedEx Field for their second consecutive win. Sam Darnold passed for 293 yards and 4 touchdowns.
"Sam played his best game of the season," Adam Gase said. "As such, his arm is fantasy-relevant. That's totally not as disgusting as what body parts Rex Ryan finds fantasy-relevant."
The Raiders beat the visiting Bengals 17-10, led by a strong defensive effort that produced 2 turnovers and 5 sacks.
"It's been awhile since you've heard the 'Defense!' chant in Oakland," Jon Gruden said. "It was probably in March, when we had to 'defend' our acquisition of Antonio Brown."
Jets win, 24-21.
Detroit @ Washington (+3½)
The Redskins lost 34-17 to the Jets in Dwayne Haskins' first start at quarterback. Haskins completed only 19-of-35 passes and was sacked 6 times.
"Dwayne still has a long way to go," Bill Callahan said. "And I'm sad to say, the farther he goes, the better off we are. So, one week after throwing Dwayne to the 'wolves,' we're gonna throw him to the Lions."
With Matthew Stafford out for the second straight game, the Lions lost 35-27 to the visiting Cowboys.
"Matt's back is practically shot," Matt Patricia said, "but Jeff Driskel has looked great in his place. So, to explain our current quarterback situation, I would say 'back ... to the future.'"
Lions win, 24-16.
Jacksonville @ Tennessee (-3)
The Colts hammered the visiting Jaguars 33-13 in Nick Foles' return to the lineup for Jacksonville.
"We just couldn't stop the run," Doug Marrone said, "and the Colts just gashed us and there was nothing we could do and we lost the game. That sentence perfectly describes our rush defense, because it's a 'run-on.'"
"Nick gives us the right mix of leadership and experience. And so did Gardner Minshew, before I unceremoniously benched him. I'm sure Gardner sat on the bench and thought to himself, 'I'm not going to take this sitting down.' He's pretty angry. He even gave me the finger. Unlike Nick though, Gardner's finger didn't have a Super Bowl ring on it."
Titans win, 24-19.
Dallas @ New England (-6½)
The Cowboys beat the Lions 35-27 in Detroit, led by Dak Prescott's 444-yard, 3-touchdown day.
"Dak carried us," Jerry Jones said. "He's put this team on his back, and when we needed a play, he delivered. He's 'money in the bank.' And he will soon be more money in the bank.
"This game features arguably to league's two most iconic franchises, not to mention its two most iconic owners, Robert Kraft and I. We're both multi billionaires, but it's the little things that bring us real joy. You should have seen the look on Robert's face when I gave him a $50 gift certificate to the Orchids of Asia spa. Is that Robert's favorite spa? It's definitely between that one and another. They're both trying their best to win Robert's favor. It's a downright 'rub and tug o' war.'"
The Patriots beat the Eagles 17-10 in Philadelphia, led by a defense that sacked Carson Wentz 5 times and forced 1 turnover.
"I always get pumped for games against the Cowboys," Tom Brady said. "Who doesn't like to beat the team owned by Jerry Jones? If I'm the 'GOAT,' then he's 'The Old Goat.' Some people say Jerry actually has cloven feet. His favorite number is '666,' but that's only because he uses it as a reminder that the Cowboys have been stuck forever on five Super Bowl wins."
Patriots win, 27-17.
Seattle @ Philadelphia (-2)
The Seahawks return from their bye week energized by their Week 10 win over the 49ers. At 8-2, Seattle trails San Fran by one game in the NFC West.
"Jadeveon Clowney really wrecked the 49ers game plan," Pete Carroll said. "He's unblockable. Joe Staley has an even higher opinion of Jadeveon. Joe says he's untouchable, and if you saw his attempts to block Clowney, you'd agree.
"Another player making an impact is Josh Gordon. He is slowly working his way into more playing time. Josh has taken all the right steps, 12 of them, in fact, to get to where he needs to be.
"What Myles Garrett did to Mason Rudolph was bush league. When I was head coach at USC, if you were 'Bush league,' then you qualified for a number of perks, most of which were improper."
Seahawks win, 27-24.
Green Bay @ San Francisco (-3)
The Packers return from their Week 11 bye ready to face the one-loss 49ers in a game certain to have playoff seeding implications.
"We understand the magnitude of this game," Aaron Rodgers said. "And speaking of 'magnitude,' the city of San Francisco could be due for something truly 'earth-shaking,' That would be the 49ers making the playoffs."
Led by Jimmy Garoppolo's 424 yards passing and 4 touchdowns, the 49ers beat the Cardinals, 36-26.
"Jimmy was on fire," Kyle Shanahan said. "In Week 10 against the Seahawks, if he would have been on fire, no one would have even peed on him.
"How about that Colin Kaepernick workout? It looked a lot like Jimmy's game, because both were throwing with no defense present.
"I hear someone vandalized the statue of Joe Montana outside Levi's Stadium. That sacrilege. It should be punishable by a lifetime in prison. Too harsh? Okay then, it should be punishable by a lifetime in Skechers."
San Francisco wins, 30-24.
Baltimore @ L.A. Rams (+3)
The Ravens blasted the Texans, 41-7, as Lamar Jackson passed for 4 touchdowns.
"Lamar became the first Raven with multiple 4-touchdown games," John Harbaugh said. "And, to my knowledge, he also became the first Raven quarterback to eat a banana on the sidelines. Any vegetables that start with the letter 'D,' well, Joe Flacco probably ate those on many occasions."
The Rams vanquished Mitch Trubisky and the Bears 17-7 in a sloppy Sunday night game in Los Angeles. Todd Gurley keyed the Rams, with 133 total yards and a touchdown.
"Todd is a running back and the key to our success," Sean McVay, "because he 'takes the ball out of Jared Goff's hands.'
"In an odd sort of way, the addition of Jalen Ramsey has boosted Jared's confidence at quarterback. Mostly because, as a teammate, Jalen won't call him 'trash.'"
Ravens win, 26-21.
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