Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
L.A. Chargers @ Oakland (+1)
The Raiders beat the Lions 31-24, powered by the running of rookie Josh Jacobs, who rushed for 120 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"What a great job by the rookie," Jon Gruden said. "He's been awesome this year for us, and he survived rookie hazing, which for us is making it through one day of being teammates with Richie Incognito.
"On that note, what's worse? Attending a funeral with Richie Incognito, or a date with Sebastian Janikowski?
"Allegiant Stadium is Las Vegas is going to be our new home in 2020. It will also be the home of our new unofficial mascot, a creature that lives under the stands and directs lost fans to the betting booth. He's called the 'Bookie Man.'"
The Chargers upset the visiting Packers, 26-11, holding Aaron Rodgers to only 161 yards passing.
"I get so motivated for games like that," Phillip Rivers said. "Challenging arguably the NFC's best team and it's best quarterback is a feeling I cherish, because I know it won't happen in a Super Bowl.
"This was our first game under new offensive coordinator Shane Steichen. I can't say I miss Ken Whisenhunt's play calling. In fact, I'm relieved, of his duties.
Raiders win, 24-22.
Detroit @ Chicago (-2½)
The Lions lost 31-24 to the Raiders in Oakland and fell to 3-4-1, third in the NFC North. Matthew Stafford passed for 406 yards and 3 touchdowns in a losing cause.
"There are some frustrated lifelong Lions fans," Matt Patricia said, "who think our nickname should be the 'Losing Causes.'
"I'm confident of our chances in Chicago. They may have the home-field advantage and a better defense, but everything else is in our favor. Matt Stafford — better than Mitch Trubisky. Matt Prater — better than Eddie Pineiro. Me, Matt Patricia — better than Matt Nagy. It just goes to show that good things come in '3s,' as do made field goals."
The Eagles jumped to a 19-0 lead and held on to beat the visiting Bears, 22-14. Chicago was held to just 168 yards of total offense.
"I can fault our effort," Matt Nagy said, "especially that of our punter. He's exhausted. He had to punt 8 times. So, our offense can't keep our defense or our punter off the field.
"If you looked at the box score and are a Bears fan, then you were probably horrified by what you saw. Mitchell Trubisky passed for only 125 yards. But let's not discount Mitch's greatest accomplishment that many thought impossible — making people long for the days of Jay Cutler."
The Bears channel their coach in a press conference and get "very defensive," sacking Stafford 4 times and forcing 2 turnovers.
Chicago wins, 22-14.
Baltimore @ Cincinnati (+10)
The Bengals had a Week 9 bye, and return with rookie Ryan Finley taking over at quarterback for Andy Dalton.
"We're 0-8 with Andy as our starter," Zac Taylor said. "Now, it's certainly not all Andy's fault. He's been sacked 29 times. That's an awful reflection of our offensive line. Defensive lines look at our offensive line and say, 'LOL.'
"We think Ryan is our quarterback of the future. His future's so bright, he's gotta wear shades. On the other hand, Andy has no future."
The Patriots had no answer for Lamar Jackson, who piled up 224 total yards and 3 touchdowns in Baltimore's resounding 37-20 win.
"Historically," John Harbaugh said, "the Patriots have excelled at taking away a weapon. Unless it's Aaron Hernandez's.
"I think we outplayed the Patriots, and out-coached them. You could say we coached and played circles around them, but definitely not rings.
"But seriously, I think we all know how this ends. A rematch at Gillette Stadium in the playoffs, in the snow, against an extremely motivated Patriots team."
Ravens win, 27-13.
Buffalo @ Cleveland (-3)
The Browns' miserable season continued with a 24-19 loss to the Broncos in Denver. In five trips to the red zone, the Browns came away with only 1 touchdown, settling for 4 short field goals.
"I don't know what to say," Baker Mayfield said. "None of us do. So, add another 'L' to the record, because we're all at a 'loss' for words.
"I realize I have to have tougher skin when it comes to the media. Still, I'm staring down receivers harder than I stare down reporters. It's one thing to storm out of a press conference. Some say 'storm' isn't the right word. They say 'bust' is more fitting verb, and noun, for me."
The Bills beat the Redskins 24-9 at New Era Field to run their record to 6-2. Josh Allen passed for a score and ran for another.
"Josh is very motivated to outplay Mayfield," Doug McDermott said. "Not only to prove he's a better quarterback, but to prove he's deserving of a few major commercial endorsements. Couldn't Josh be a spokesman for Progressive Insurance? Heck, is Mayfield a better Progressive Insurance spokesperson than Flo? Maybe. Is Mayfield a better quarterback than Flo? Debatable.
"Let's face it, Josh's face is just as marketable as Mayfield's, and much less punchable."
Browns win, 23-14, and take possession of the "Lake Erie Trophy," which is a replica of a three-eyed, four-legged walleye.
Kansas City @ Tennessee (+4)
The Chiefs beat the visiting Vikings 26-23 at Arrowhead Stadium, winning on Harrison Butker's 44-field goal as time expired. Tyreek Hill had 6 receptions for 140 yards and a touchdown.
"Tyreek is a threat to score from anywhere," Andy Reid said. "He may be the most dangerous receiver in the game. He's known as a 'bad mother F'er,' as well as a 'bad father.'
"We expect Patrick back for the Titans game. And suffice it to say I won't be calling any quarterback sneaks. I guess the only 'QB sneak' is getting Patrick medical clearance just three weeks after he dislocated his knee."
The Titans lost 30-20 at Carolina and fell to 4-5, tied with Jacksonville for last in the AFC South.
"Turnovers killed us," Mike Vrabel said. "And we couldn't stop Christian McCaffrey. He ran over, through, around, and wild on our defense. Sure, we've had some bad defensive performances this year, but this was the worst. So McCaffrey tore us a new one.
"We're excited to face Mahomes in our home stadium. According to Tennessee superfan 'Whiskey Dick,' this is the most excited Titans fans have been for a quarterback in Nashville since Vince Young was a rookie. Many thought Vince was 'The One.' As it turned out, 'The One' was his Wonderlic score."
Chiefs win, 27-24.
Atlanta @ New Orleans (-13)
The Saints return from their bye week in control of the NFC South with a 7-1 record.
"As you saw by his performance against the Cardinals," Sean Payton said, "Drew Brees is completely healthy. I'm sure he was bored out of his mind for the five games he missed. Luckily, 'twiddling your thumbs' was exactly what the doctor ordered for rehab.
"Anything less than a Super Bowl win will be a disappointment. One official robbed us of that chance last season. I bet he's probably still in the league, and I guarantee, if you checked his phone, you would see several 'missed calls.'
"If challenging pass interference would have been an option last season, I certainly would have challenged the call in the NFC championship. And sadly, I would have lost the challenge, because despite the ability to see replays of disputed PI call, officials still can't get it right."
The Falcons had a Week 9 bye, and Matt Ryan is good to go against the Saints after suffering a sprained ankle in Week 8.
"Sadly," Dan Quinn said, "Matt's consecutive starts streak of 154 games came to an end. Now, he was nowhere close to reaching Brett Favre's number of 297. I don't know what motivated Favre to reach that number. I'm guessing he just liked hearing people say, 'Brett Favre has impressive longevity.' And Brett probably just misunderstood the definition of 'longevity.'"
Saints win, 34-17.
N.Y. Giants @ N.Y. Jets (+2½)
The Jets lost to the winless Dolphins, 26-18, and now share space at the bottom of the AFC East standings with the 1-7 Dolphins.
"This is probably one of the lowest moments for this franchise," Adam Gase said. "Initially, our problems were in 'mono;' now, they're in 'stereo.'
"I didn't see ghosts in Miami, but I was haunted by familiar faces. Most congratulated me, and told me they were thrilled that I had taken my talents from South Beach. They call it 'The Bad Decision' in New York."
The Giants lost 37-18 to the Cowboys at AT&T Stadium on Monday night in a typically physical contest marked by confrontation and plenty of flags.
"You could say these two teams don't like each other," Pat Shurmur said. "This Sunday, at MetLife Stadium, you could say fans don't like these two teams.
"In a moment of levity on Monday night, a black cat ran onto the field during the game. Saquon Barkley averaged just 2 yards per carry against the Cowboys, so that cat wasn't the only one 'pussy-footing' around in MetLife."
Jets win, 25-21.
Arizona @ Tampa Bay (-5)
The Cardinals lost 28-25 at home to the 49ers last Thursday night. Kenyan Drake accounted for 162 total yards and a touchdown, and Kyler Murray led a near-comeback victory.
"Kyler is seeing things much better now," Kliff Kingsbury said."As they say, the game has slowed down for him. That never really happened for his predecessor Josh Rosen. Everything happened so fast for him, like leaving Arizona."
The Buccaneers lost 40-34 in overtime to the Seahawks, dropping their fourth straight game to fall to 2-6, third in the NFC South.
"Offensively," Bruce Arians said, "we looked great. Defensively, we looked great, to the Seattle offense."
Buccaneers win, 31-28.
Miami @ Indianapolis (-10½)
The Dolphins beat the Jets 26-18 for their first win of the season. Ryan Fitzpatrick passed for 288 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Ryan still has some magic left in him," Brian Flores said. "He's still a difference-maker. He just may be the difference in getting the No. 2 pick as opposed to the No. 1 pick.
"Hopefully, this win will end all the accusations that we are tanking. It probably won't, though. I would say about 6.25% of people, or 1 in 16, think we're still tanking."
The Colts lost 26-24 to the Steelers at Heinz Field, breaking Indy's three-game losing streak. Adam Vinatieri shanked the potential game-winning field goal with 1:17 left in the game. Jacoby Brissett left the game early after injuring his knee in the first quarter.
"Adam has had his issues kicking," Frank Reich said. "But I still trust him completely. If my life depended on Adam making a field goal, I sure hope for my sake it would be a kick in the Super Bowl.
"Jacoby sprained his left MCL, but he's optimistic he can play. If he can't, we're in capable hands with Brian Hoyer. He's played for 8 teams in his career, and is most known for being a backup quarterback. But his social exploits are truly legendary, and he's most known for being a 'party starter.'"
Colts win, 22-14.
Carolina @ Green Bay (-5)
The Panthers beat the Titans, 30-20, powered by Christian McCaffrey's 166-yard, 3-touchdown performance.
"I like the way we responded to getting blown out by the 49ers," Ron Rivera said. "As they say, you can either 'piss or get off the pot.' That's also the league's 'anti-marijuana, pro-drug testing' slogan.
"Christian is playing at an MVP level. He's carrying the offense. You could say he 'wears the pants' for this offense, and most importantly, never accessorizes with a scarf. Christian shows up to a post-game interview in 'casual dress.' Cam Newton, on the other hand, might show up at a post-game interview in a 'casual dress.'"
The Packers were stunned 26-11 by the Chargers at Digital Health Sports Park. Green Bay was held to just 184 total yards as their four-game winning streak came to a halt.
"As I said after the game," Aaron Rodgers said, "we were served some 'humble pie' by the Chargers. And, trust me, the Chargers know their humble pie. You would too if you played in front of that home crowd."
Packers win, 27-20.
L.A. Rams @ Pittsburgh (+4)
The Rams return from a bye week with a 5-3 record, and trail the 8-0 49ers by three games in the NFC West.
"We're rested," Sean McVay said, "and ready to make a run towards playoff glory. Confidence is not an issue, and we're aiming high. Our target is the No. 5 seed in the NFC.
"Defensive coordinator Wade Phillips is really enjoying his new toy. That sentence demands clarification. His 'new toy' is Jalen Ramsey, and Wade is as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning."
The Steelers beat the Colts, 26-24, to improve to 4-4, very much alive in the AFC North.
"We actually considered a trade with the Jets to bring Le'Veon Bell back to Pittsburgh," Mike Tomlin said. "Now, we had no interest in bringing back Antonio Brown. You know me, I'm a stickler for detail, so I absolutely can't have someone on my team who doesn't even use punctuation in his tweets. So, forget Antonio Brown. Period."
Rams win, 28-20.
Minnesota @ Dallas (-3)
The Vikings lost 26-23 to the Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium. Minnesota led 23-20 for much of the fourth quarter, but couldn't put the game away.
"I probably got too conservative there at the end," Mike Zimmer said. "Some say my middle name is 'Conservative.' Others say my first, middle, and last middle names are 'Conservative.'
"Our punter Britton Colquitt had a weak 27-yard punt that basically gave the Chiefs the game. Kicking is going to be the death of me. Colquitt will now be known as the 'Blair Walsh of Punters.'"
The Cowboys beat the Giants 37-18 on Monday Night Football. Dak Prescott passed for 3 touchdowns, and Dallas forced 3 Daniel Jones turnovers.
"That's our sixth straight win against the Giants," Prescott said. "And, with a black cat running onto the field, the G-Men's luck won't get any better. So, now would be a good time for a 'concessions' speech. And, speaking of a 'concessions' speech, AT&T Stadium has added a new treat to their concessions menu at the behest of Jerry Jones. It's a large, mesquite-flavored, star-shaped lollipop we're marketing as the 'Big D Sucker.'"
Dallas wins, 28-23.
Seattle @ San Francisco (-6)
The 49ers held on to beat the Cardinals 28-25 on Thursday night and are now 8-0. Jimmy Garoppolo passed for 317 yards and 4 touchdowns.
"Many are saying that was my best performance as a 49er," Jimmy Garoppolo said. "I can't disagree, and I'll accept all the praise heaped upon me. I'll take all the accolades thrown my way. By 'accolades,' I mean 'women's underwear.'
"Emmanuel Sanders has paid immediate dividends since we acquired him from the Broncos on October 22nd. He felt like he was wildly under-utilized there, and he blamed Joe Flacco. Emmanuel expressed it best when he described his apathy towards Flacco as, 'Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead to Me.'"
The Seahawks beat the visiting Buccaneers 40-24 in overtime as Russell Wilson passed for a career-high 5 touchdowns, 2 to Tyler Lockett, who had 13 catches for 152 yards.
"Russell was on fire," Pete Carroll said. "He just verified the age-old adage, 'It takes a pillage to raze the Buccaneers.'
"We picked up Josh Gordon off waivers. Waivers may actually be the only thing related to Josh that's 'clear.' We actually looked at signing Antonio Brown, but ultimately decided Gordon was the right troubled former Patriots receiver for us. I think everyone believes this was a good move for us, because almost unanimously, they're saying, 'This should end well.'"
San Francisco wins, 28-24.
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