Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch — Busch pulled away on a restart with three laps to go and cruised to the win in the Gander Outdoors 400.
"I tied Tony Stewart with my 49th Cup win," Busch said. "One more win and I can finally say, 'Well, passing him in the buffet line is out of the question, but at least I passed Tony in the standings."
2. Kevin Harvick — Harvick finished fourth in the Gander Outdoors 400.
"I won the pole," Harvick said, "but it was nullified when my car failed post-race inspection. If this were the National Basketball Association, I would have been issued a 'technical' foul. In other words, I got 'T'd' up. And that makes me 'T'd' off."
3. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex finished 15th at Pocono.
"Pocono is a tough track for drivers to figure out," Truex said. "The 'Tricky Triangle,' as they call it, is quite a dilemma for most drivers. NASCAR itself has its own 'Tricky Triangle' dilemma — finding any other driver besides me, Kevin Harvick, or Kyle Busch to win a race."
4. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer came home 11th in the Gander Outdoors 400.
"Brian France recently reaffirmed his family's commitment to NASCAR," Bowyer said. "I'm not sure I buy it. France can say one thing and mean another. Of course, it's no surprise that from someone with a double chin comes double speak."
5. Joey Logano — Logano finished a disappointing 26th at Pocono.
"This was Jimmie Johnson's 600th Cup start," Logano said. "That certainly deserves recognition. So let's give it up for Jimmie. He's got seven Cup championship trophies to his name. I think the only trophy he's capable of garnering these days is a participation trophy."
6. Kyle Larson — Larson finished 23rd at Pocono and is now 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
"This race was called the 'Gander Outdoors 400,'" Larson said. "Judging by what I saw in the stands, attendance was sparse. But NASCAR's bigger issue is television ratings. So, I guess the biggest problem is not the 'Gander Outdoors,' but instead fans neglecting to take a 'Gander Indoors.'"
7. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin finished tenth at Pocono, posting his 11th top-10 of the season.
"I was really pulling for my teammate Daniel Suarez to pull out the win and qualify for the postseason," Hamlin said. "As you probably know, Daniel is a native of Mexico. The odds of a Mexican kid coming to America to become a NASCAR driver are pretty slim. In fact, only one in three Mexican driver hopefuls actually make it. Of the other two, one becomes a rapist and the other a drug dealer."
8. Chase Elliott — Elliott led 14 laps and finished seventh at Pocono, recording his 10th top-10 result of the season.
"I'm still looking for my first win," Elliott said. "I've been close on several occasions, but there's always something that gets in the way. So, before it happens, I have to overcome the issues that arise when s#it happens."
9. Brad Keselowski — Keselowski spun and hit the wall on lap 121, ending his day at Pocono. He finished 38th.
"I thought I hit the wall hard," Keselowski said, "until I saw Bubba Wallace hit the wall with six laps to go. Thank goodness for the SAFER barrier. It's always good to see a driver walk away from an accident. And, in some cases, like Carl Edwards at Talladega in 2009, it's pretty cool to see a driver run away from an accident."
10. Kurt Busch — Busch finished ninth at Pocono as younger brother Kyle took the win.
"Great run by Kyle," Busch said, "but what about the effort of some of these youngsters, like Daniel Suarez and Chase Elliott? Those guys have skills. You might even say each of them is a 'Baby Driver.' When I was that young, most drivers questioned my talents. Some even called me a 'Maybe Driver.'"
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