Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Minnesota @ Detroit (-2½)
The Lions scored 10 fourth quarter points to beat the Jaguars 26-19, improving to 6-4, atop the NFC North. Detroit has trailed in the fourth quarter in all ten of their games this season.
"We've made fourth quarter comebacks routine," Matthew Stafford said. "Just as you'd expect for a Lions team, even when we're winning, we're 'losing,' for most of the game, that is.
"There's no better tradition than Thanksgiving in Detroit. I love playing the game and then celebrating with friends over a huge dinner. This year, I'm inviting Marvin Jones over to my place, and I'm going to warmly greet him at the door. Then I'll say, 'Marvin, that is what a 'reception' looks like."
The Vikings turned back the visiting Cardinals 30-24 to end a four-game skid. Xavier Rhodes had a 100-yard interception return for a score, and Cordarrelle Patterson returned a kickoff 104 yards for a touchdown.
"I'm pleased that our defense and special teams can lead by example," Mike Zimmer said. "Hopefully, our offense will take notice and see what it takes to go the length of the field.
"We just got good news that Adrian Peterson could be back by mid-to-late December. A.P. had surgery to repair a torn meniscus on September 22nd. Since then, he's rehabbed like crazy, and true to form, he's whipped himself into shape. Adrian's meant so much to this team, and it's that time of year to express how grateful we are. So, whether you're giving thanks or giving spanks, do it to the best of your ability."
Matt Prater kicks 3 field goals for the Lions, while the spirit of Blair Walsh makes its presence known in the air occupying the space between the uprights on a missed extra point attempt by Kai Forbath.
Detroit wins, 26-20.
Washington @ Dallas (-7)
The Cowboys handled the Ravens 27-17 at AT&T Stadium, led by 3 touchdown passes from Dak Prescott, 2 to Dez Bryant. Dallas improved to 9-1, and holds a two-game lead over the Redskins in the NFC East.
"The Ravens dared us to pass," Prescott said, "and we called their bluff with a 'two of a kind' from Dez Bryant. And speaking of 'two of a kind,' Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder are exactly that, meddling owners with similar issues. Snyder has a problem with 'Redskin;' Jones has a problem with orange skin.
"We wanted to make it clear that the quarterback situation was definitely not a distraction. I think we succeeded. There are statement games, and there are 'prepared statement' games. Whatever happens, Tony Romo will always be a Cowboy. Tony is No. 1 in our hearts, and No. 2 on the depth chart.
"For those interested in the main courses, we'll be serving myself, Ezekiel Elliott, and Bryant. For those interested in 'leftovers,' please see Romo after the season."
Kirk Cousins passed for 375 yards and 3 touchdowns in the Redskins 42-24 drubbing of the visiting Packers on Sunday night. At 6-3, Washington could pull to within one game of the Cowboys with a win on Thanksgiving.
"In the game of 'franchise tag,'" Cousins said, "I would say Daniel Snyder is now 'it.' And the game has changed to 'price tag.'"
Washington wins, 29-28.
Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis (+3)
The Steelers beat the Browns 24-9, led by 201 total yards from Le'Veon Bell. Pittsburgh picked up a game on the Ravens, who lost in Dallas, and are now tired with the Ravens at 5-5 atop the AFC North.
"Le'Veon is probably the most patient running back in the NFL," Mike Tomlin said. "Now, sometimes he can be too patient, like when he's on his way to take a drug test. Le'Veon doesn't gain any yards when it's testing time, because he's in 'no rush.'
"Le'Veon wants the ball. He's got his own version of Ezekiel Elliott's 'Feed me' gesture. It's called 'The Munchies.'"
The Colts jumped on the Titans early, building a 21-0 lead and holding on for a 24-17 win. Indy now trails the Texans by only one game in the AFC South.
"Andrew Luck is in the concussion protocol," Chuck Pagano said. "He's taken his share of hits this year. Even when he's not sacked, he's still taking hits. Andrew's been knocked up so much this year, he might as well be dating Antonio Cromartie. Antonio was actually a member of the Colts for four games this season. We had to release him, because Antonio's coverage skills are terrible, as a cornerback and as a condom user.
"I think everyone remembers the Steelers-Colts matchup in the 2006 playoffs. Pittsburgh won that game 21-18, sealing the win when Mike Vanderjagt missed a potential game-tying field goal. Peyton Manning later called him an 'idiot kicker,' and Vanderjagt was forever known as 'Canadian Missed.'
"Why is that important? Because not only to bad kickers miss kicks, good ones do too. Against the Titans, Adam Vinatieri missed for the first time in 44 tries. As for Vanderjagt, who knows where he is today. He's apparently gone 'missing.'"
The Steelers take the opening kickoff and drive to the Colts two-yard line, where Mike Tomlin insists on going for two until he's talked out of it by kicker Chris Boswell, who then takes a direct snap and hits holder Jordan Berry in the end zone for the conversion.
Steelers win, 31-27.
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