Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Jacksonville @ Tennessee (-3½)
The Jaguars lost 33-16 to the visiting Raiders and are now 2-4 in the AFC South. Blake Bortles passed for only 246 yards and 1 touchdown, with 2 interceptions.
"Blake looked lost out there," Gus Bradley said. "Does he call himself a professional? This is Jacksonville; if you're an 'amateur,' your prospects for success as a quarterback are much more limited than those of a stripper.
"My record as head coach in Jacksonville is 14-40. Stated as a percentage, that's 35%. That's pretty low as winning percentages go. On the bright side, that's higher than my approval rating, and about four times higher than Jags owner Shad Khan's understanding of football. In other words, those are bad highers."
The Titans gave up 422 yards of offense to the Colts in a 34-26 home loss. Tennessee is 3-4, still just one game behind the 4-3 Texans.
"Offensively," Mike Mularkey said, "we executed. Defensively, we did not. The Colts identified our weaknesses and exploited them. Sure, we already had holes in our defense, but the Colts chose to tear us a new one.
"But we're excited to host the Jags on Thursday Night Football. Ratings have been an issue for viewership in the NFL this year. I can't promise that ratings will be up in this game. I can promise you this: for what this game lacks in quantity, it will also lack in quality."
Titans win, 26-20.
Washington @ Cincinnati (-3)
The Bengals beat the Browns 31-17 to break a two-game losing streak. Andy Dalton passed for 308 yards and 2 touchdowns, A.J. Green had 169 yards receiving and a score, and Jeremy Hill rushed for 168 yards and a touchdown.
"One of those scores was a Hail Mary pass from Dalton to Green," Marvin Lewis said. "A.J. was on his behind when he secured the pass. That's what's called 'sitting down on a route' in the business.
"Tyler Eifert finally suited up. That's good for us, and it's good for the Bengals beat writers. From what I hear, Tyler is a great interview, and gives thoughtful answers to anything asked of him. In other words, he's 'question-able.' I took Tyler to the side one day and said, 'It wouldn't hurt if you played.' He said it would."
The Redskins lost 20-17 at Detroit, giving up the game-winning touchdown with 16 seconds left. Washington fell to 4-3, tied for second in the NFC East behind the 5-1 Cowboys.
"We thought we had the game won when I scored a touchdown with 1:05 left," Kirk Cousins said. "What did I do with the football after I scored? I spiked that. I spiked that. That's also what Sebastian Janikowski says after a female bar patron agrees to his offer of a drink.
"There's one thing the people of London should know, and it's this: we are Native Americans, and after a heartbreaking loss, we are anxious to get on that field at Wembley Stadium, because these Natives are restless."
Eifert is made inactive for the game after he is scratched, by his pet kitten, and Vontaze Burfict is yellow flagged and yellow carded when he takes a free kick to Matt Jones' crotch.
Bengals win, 27-26.
Green Bay @ Atlanta (-3)
Aaron Rodgers picked apart the Chicago defense for 326 yards and 3 touchdowns in Green Bay's 26-10 win over the Bears last Thursday night. The Packers improved to 4-2, one game behind the 5-1 Vikings in the NFC North.
"It took me 56 pass attempts to get there," Rodgers said. "That's 5.8 yards per attempt. What's going on here? One week, we're talking about 'chicken heads;' the next week, we're talking about 'shorties.' Is this a rap song? All I need now is some twerking, and if that came in the form of Antonio Brown, we may actually be a legitimate Super Bowl contender."
The Falcons lost to the Chargers 33-30 in overtime and have now lost two straight to drop to 4-3. The tide turned in overtime when the Chargers stuffed a fourth down run by the Falcons from the Atlanta 43-yard line.
"I'm not sure why Dan Quinn chose to go for that," Matt Ryan said. "Maybe Dan looked at his wrist and saw his 'WWMSD?" bracelet. That's 'What Would Mike Smith Do?'
"But why run it on 4th-and-1 when you have Julio Jones? Julio could have gained one yard against the Chargers just as easily as he picked up 300 against the Panthers. Forget dressing up as Dracula or Frankenstein on Halloween; the Julio Jones costume should be the most popular pick, because he's a monster.
"I plan to attack the Packers defense through the air. Dom Capers' defenses don't scare anyone, except his head coach. I lead the NFL in passing yards. I've terrorized defenses all season. They've even started calling me 'Matty Isis.' As for the Packers? I'm gonna bomb the 'S' out of them."
Falcons win, 29-27.
New England @ Buffalo (+6½)
The Patriots beat the short-handed Steelers 27-16 as Tom Brady passed for 222 yards and two touchdowns, out-dueling Landry Jones, who was starting in place of the injured Ben Roethlisberger.
"One of my TD's went to Rob Gronkowski," Brady said. "That was his 68th TD, a franchise record. Rob later said his next score would be number 69, and he chuckled like a sixth grader when he said it. Does that bother me? Not at all. Gronk is categorized as the NFL's best tight end; if he wants to publicize his own 'positional rankings,' so be it.
"I was impressed by Landry Jones. He possesses a lot of the skill you look for in a decent quarterback, plus his bathroom etiquette is impeccable.
"We've got revenge on our minds in Buffalo. The Bills beat us 16-0 in Week 4. As you know, I didn't play in that game. I was suspended for my role in Deflate-gate. I didn't even put my hands on the balls and I got suspended. Where's the fairness in that?"
The Bills blew a 17-6 third quarter lead over the Dolphins and eventually lost 28-25. Buffalo is 4-3, two games behind the 6-1 Patriots in the AFC East.
"LeSean McCoy re-injured his hamstring," Rex Ryan said, "and he won't play Sunday. When he's healthy, he's the 'real' McCoy. When he's not, he's the heal McCoy."
Patriots win, 30-20.
New York Jets @ Cleveland (+2½)
The Jets beat the Ravens 24-16, led by touchdown passes by both Geno Smith and Ryan Fitzpatrick. Smith started the game but left with an injured knee. Fitzpatrick took over and will start against the Brown after it was revealed that Smith tore his ACL.
"What do you call it when you go from Fitzpatrick to Smith?" Todd Bowles said. "$12 million and change.'
"Fitzpatrick wasn't happy about being benched. He took it as a slap in the face. Then he complained after the game about management and coaches 'not believing in him.' Ryan said he never stopped believing in himself. If Ryan had a theme song, it would be 'Don't Stop Believin'.'' Ryan's career path reminds me that said song is performed by Journey, man."
The Browns remained winless, losing 31-17 to the Bengals. Cody Kessler was knocked out of the game with a concussion, leaving rookie Kevin Hogan to finish the game.
"We've played seven quarterbacks this year," Hue Jackson, "and lost to every one of them. Ourselves, we've played six quarterbacks this year, and not one has been Johnny Manziel. It's tempting to call up Johnny and ask if he'd like another try with the Browns. But I don't think it would work out. Johnny has lots of problems, one being that opposing defenses have identified his biggest weakness. So, if he were to play for us, he'd be 'blitzed.'"
Prior to Sunday, a contrite Joe Namath voices his support for Ryan Fitzpatrick, and also goes old school when he states that he supports hose, as well as ho's, and awkwardly asks a street lady for a kiss.
Jets wins, 22-13.
Detroit @ Houston (-2½)
Matthew Stafford found Anquan Bolden for an 18-yard touchdown pass with 16 seconds left to give the Lions a 20-17 win over the visiting Redskins.
"Matthew is having his best season as a professional," Jim Caldwell said. "Some would say he's the best quarterback in the NFC North. Now, I'm sure if people heard me say that in Green Bay, they'd get their panties in a wad. That's a problem that could lead to intestinal issues down the road. So, all you Packers fans need to 'E-X-L-A-X.'"
The Texans lost 27-9 to the Broncos in Brock Osweiler's return to Denver. Osweiler completed only 22-of-41 passes for 131 yards.
"I agree with everyone," Bill O'Brien said. "Brock should have stayed in Denver. But let's be clear — his effort in Denver wasn't a total disaster. I thought he played well ... well-compensated, that is.
"Brock burned bridges with his connections in Denver, so he was kind of given the cold shoulder by his former teammates. But that didn't mean 'shaking hands' was out of the question, because Brock was clearly nervous."
Prior to the game, Osweiler meets with DeAndre Hopkins, and at Osweiler's behest, the two discuss "chemistry" before Hopkins changes the subject to "history," as in "If you don't get me the ball more, you're "history."
Hopkins catches 7 passes for 103 yards and a score, and the Texans come through with a 24-21 win.
Kansas City @ Indianapolis (+2½)
Andrew Luck threw for 356 yards and 3 touchdowns in the Colts' 34-26 win over the Titans. It was Indy's first road win of the year, and they are 3-4 in the AFC South.
"Luck was on fire," Chuck Pagano said. "I say that figuratively. If Andrew was literally on fire, I feel confident our offensive line would save him by allowing the opposing defensive line lay on top of him.
"I think Andrew called some excellent audibles and adjusted protections accordingly. Andrew is like a coach on the field. I'm like a coach on the sideline."
The Chiefs beat the visiting Saints 27-21 as Spencer Ware had 133 total yards and a touchdown. Kansas City is 4-2, just behind the 5-2 Broncos and Raiders in the AFC West.
"Spencer was drafted by the Seahawks in 2013," Andy Reid said. "For some reason, they released him in 2014 along with a statement that read: 'Ware, what is he good for? Absolutely nothing.' Seattle really shanked it when they kicked Spencer to the curb."
Chiefs win, 28-23.
Seattle @ New Orleans (+3)
The Seahawks and the Cardinals played to a 6-6 overtime tie at University of Phoenix Stadium on Sunday night. The tie was a result of two missed potential game-winning short field goals, first by Chandler Catanzaro, then by Steven Hauschka. The tie preserved Seattle's two-game lead over Arizona in the NFC West.
"There is only one way to describe that game," Pete Carroll said. "'No good.'
"It was a chippy game. But Richard Sherman kept his composure against the Cardinals. Richard has been known to snap. But if he were really smart, he'd snap into a Slim Jim, and not that nasty Oberto stuff. It's bad enough to have Stephen A. Smith in your head; it's worse to have him in your stomach.
"Russell Wilson just announced that he and Ciara are expecting a child. Congratulations to those two. Just to irritate Future, Russell should name the baby 'Passed.'"
The Saints fell to the Chiefs 27-21 despite 367 yards passing and 3 touchdowns from Drew Brees. New Orleans is 2-4, 1½ games behind the division-leading Falcons.
"Drew gives us a chance to win every game," Sean Payton said. "Our defense gives us a better chance of losing every game. But our defense has made improvements. Last year with Rob Ryan calling the shots, our defense was one of the worst in history. That was surprising. One would think a defense 'under' Rob Ryan would be 'suffocating.'"
Seattle wins, 30-22.
Oakland @ Tampa Bay (-1)
The Bucs erased a 14-0 deficit before storming back to take a 34-17 win over the 49ers at Levi's Stadium. Jameis Winston passed for 3 touchdowns, and Jacquizz Rodgers rushed for 154 yards.
"If you asked me who's the best running back on this team," Winston said, "I would say 'Jacquizz.' 'Jacquizz' is French for 'I was named after the offspring of a misspelling of the word 'jacuzzi' and a mispronunciation of the word 'jacuzzi.'
"This game features a battle of kickers who played at Florida State, Sebastian Janikowski and Roberto Aguayo. Janikowski is 38-years-old. Aguayo is 22. Do Sebastian and Roberto have anything else in common besides their alma mater? Yes, one thing. Every night, there's a 22-year-old asleep in each of their houses."
The Raiders beat the Jaguars 33-16 last week to improve to 5-2 and remain tied with the Broncos atop the AFC West.
"It's the Raiders versus the Buccaneers," Jack Del Rio said. "It will be a great day for pirates, and I expect all players on both teams to stand for the raising of the Jolly Roger."
Tampa wins, 30-20.
San Diego @ Denver (-6)
The Broncos overwhelmed Brock Osweiler and the visiting Texans 27-9 last Monday, keeping Houston out of the end zone. Trevor Siemian was serviceable, with 157 yards passing and 1 touchdown.
"Trevor looked awesome," Gary Kubiak said, "when compared to Osweiler. Keep in mind, Osweiler could still be a Bronco today if he would have played his cards right. John Elway gave him a nice offer to remain in Denver. John likes his quarterbacks like his teeth — big and white.
"The Denver defense of the late 1970s was known as the 'Orange Crush' defense. Our current offense uses our defense to forget about their own problems. That's why today's Denver defense is known as the 'Orange Crutch' defense."
The Chargers stunned the Falcons in overtime after erasing a 27-10 first-half deficit. Josh Lambo kicked the game-winning field goal after the Chargers stopped the Falcons on 4th-and-1 in Atlanta territory.
"It's a different feeling playing in the altitude in Denver," Philip River said. "But I'm used to it. There have been several times this season in which I felt like I was playing in altitude, because I've seen leads disappear into 'thin air.'"
Denver wins, 23-20.
Arizona @ Carolina (-3)
The Cardinals had a chance to finish off the Seahawks in overtime, but Chandler Catanzaro's 24-yard field goal hit the left upright. The tie was preserved when Steven Hauschka shanked a 28-yard attempt.
"Catanzaro and Hauschka disappeared after the game," Bruce Arians said. "And no one could find them. So we printed posted with their pictures and the words 'Missing.' Unfortunately, they've been located.
"I reiterated after the tie that Catanzaro is still our kicker. I'm proud of the way he's handled the adversity. I just want him to stand tall and keep his head up. Not to bring up a sore subject, but I just want him to remain 'upright.'
"Our team is anxious to avenge last year's 49-15 loss in the NFC championship. Let me tell you this: Cam Newton won't feel like talking after this game. He'll make a fashion statement, and that will be the extent of his post-game comments."
The Panthers are 1-5 and look to turn their season around after a bye week.
"We all have to take responsibility for our roles in our struggles," Cam Newton said. "Trust me, I've looked in the mirror more than anyone I know. Life is good. My 'MADE Cam Newton' clothing line is hot, the Oikos Yogurt is cold, and our chances of returning to the Super Bowl are like my favorite Gatorade flavor, 'Arctic Frost.'"
Panthers win, 23-21.
Philadelphia @ Dallas (-4½)
The Cowboys return from their bye week with a healthy Dez Bryant, who has missed three games with a knee injury.
"Dez's knee is fine," Jason Garrett said. "But his hand may not be. Dez cut his hand with a knife in a kitchen accident. Doesn't he know that if you're a famous Cowboys receiver, you cut things with a credit card or a razor blade?"
The Eagles made life miserable for Sam Bradford as the Philly dominated the Vikings 21-10. Bradford was sacked 6 times, and the Eagles forced 4 turnovers.
"In addition to the 6 sacks," Doug Pederson said, "we hit Bradford 16 times. Sam was 'crowned' Homecoming King, because we 'put a hat on him.'
Cowboys win, 27-19.
Minnesota @ Chicago (+6)
The Bears lost 26-10 in Green Bay and lost quarterback Brian Hoyer for the season with a broken forearm. Jay Cutler will start when the Vikings come to town on Monday night.
"We're 1-6," John Fox said. "In the year of the Cubs, that's not good. The Cubs have a pennant for winning. The Bears have a penchant for losing.
"Cutler will be ready to go on Monday night. Doctors have examined his sprained right thumb and determined that his grip on the starting job just became solid."
Sam Bradford was sacked 6 times and suffered 16 additional hits as the Eagles punished the Vikings 21-10 in Bradford's return to Philadelphia. It was Minnesota's first loss of the season and raised concerns about the viability of the Vikings' offensive line.
"Unfortunately," Mike Zimmer said, "we were running the 'Jim Marshall' offense, because we were going the wrong way.
"I called our offensive line 'soft.' That may have been a little strong. So I called my good friend, comedian Kevin Hart, to urge them to 'Get Hard.'"
Zimmer gives his boys a good chewing out before the game, and the Vikings sack Cutler 4 times. Three forced turnovers lead to some short field situations, and Blair Walsh nails 3 short field goals.
Minnesota wins, 23-10.
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