Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Chicago @ Green Bay (-8)
The Packers struggled on both sides of the ball in a 30-16 loss to the Cowboys at Lambeau Field. Ezekiel Elliott rushed for 157 yards, and Aaron Rodgers had only 1 touchdown pass.
"Our offense seems to be predictable," Mike McCarthy said. "But I can remedy that by adding more plays. That would make my laminated play sheet even bigger, which, in turn, makes it easier for me to hide behind, because I just got out-coached by Jason Garrett.
"I can assure you, nothing is wrong with Aaron Rodgers. Like he said, all he needs is a glass of scotch and a little film study to see what he can do differently. That will make him feel better. Hey, you know what goes great with a glass of scotch if you really want to feel better? Some muscle R-E-L-A-X-ers."
The Bears carried a 13-0 lead into the fourth quarter, but collapsed and lost 17-16 to the Jaguars. Chicago is 1-5, last in the NFC North.
"Brian Hoyer passed for over 300 yards for the fourth consecutive game," John Fox said. "I'm not sure Jay Cutler has ever done that. No, not pass for 300 is four consecutive games, but play in four consecutive games.
"I foresee big changes for this organization when the season ends. I'm just glad I won't be around for it. If we lose our next two game, we'll enter our off week with a 1-7 record. That just might be my 'bye' week."
As he usually does after facing criticism, Rodgers responds in a big way, with a precise 21-27 passing night, for 267 yards and 2 scores.
Green Bay wins, 27-21.
NY Giants @ Los Angeles (+3)
Odell Beckham, Jr. caught 8 passes for 222 yards and two long scores as the Giants beat the Ravens 27-23 at MetLife Stadium. The win snapped a three-game losing streak for the G-Men.
"What a day for Odell," Manning said. "He actually played out of his mind, as opposed to just being out of his mind. And you saw right — it looked like Odell proposed to the kicking net after his final score. I'm not sure how to respond to that. I have no idea what it's like to have a relationship with an inanimate object. I'll ask my wife, though.
"We're off to London, where soccer is king. Odell is a huge soccer fan. You know, in soccer they have a corner kick. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to put Odell in the 'corner.' One thing's for sure: the only way to shut him up is to feed him the ball."
The Rams lost 31-28 at Detroit despite a strong day from Case Keenum, who passed for 321 yards and 3 touchdowns, two to Kenny Britt.
"We're looking forward to playing in London," Jeff Fisher said. "And so is Kenny. If he scores a touchdown, he plans to introduce a celebration that's a tribute to the English people. The TD celebration will hence be known as doing the 'Britt'n.'
The Rams especially enjoy their down time in London. Jared Goff heads to a local pub, where he orders his favorite English lager right from the tap, making his 'No. 1 draft pick.' Meanwhile, Todd Gurley tours the House of Lords, wearing oversized sunglasses, a bedazzled top hat, and multi-colored dreadlocks, and in doing so brings the "Funkadelic" to Parliament. Jeff Fisher chooses to remain in his hotel room, where he plays 16 games of Solitaire, and finishes 8-8.
The Rams limit Beckham's big plays, but Manning finds him for a short TD pass in the fourth quarter, and the Giants win, 24-17.
Cleveland @ Cincinnati (-10)
The Bengals held a 14-10 third quarter lead in New England before crumbling, losing 35-17. Tom Brady passed for 3 scores, including one to Rob Gronkowski, who had 162 yards receiving.
"If you're going to beat the Patriots," Marvin Lewis said, "you have to hold Brady in check. We didn't. The last time someone said 'hold,' 'check,' and 'Tom Brady' in the same sentence, the NFL had just confiscated 12 football from the Patriots locker room.
"Vontaze Burfict didn't make any friends in Foxboro. He butted heads with Gronkowski, and the NFL is investigating a Burfict hit to the back of Martellus Bennett's knee. I say Vontaze is guilty, of being a true American patriot, because that was his idea of 'taking a knee.'"
The Browns are winless after last week's 28-26 loss to the Titans. Cleveland is 0-6, last in the AFC North.
"Despite a rash of injuries," Hue Jackson said, "we're improving as a team. Cody Kessler is getting a quick education on how to be an NFL quarterback. If you combined Cody's work effort with Johnny Manziel's talent, you'd have a quarterback who likes to drink on the job.
"I'm sure the Bengals look at the quarterbacks on our roster and say 'Who dey?' If Al Pacino looked at our quarterbacks, he'd say 'Who ha!' I look at our quarterbacks and I don't see 'Carson Wentz' on it. Maybe a miracle happened, and our scouting department actually made the right decision about a quarterback. That remains to be seen."
The Bengals put together their most complete game of the year, racking up 400 yards of total offense and forcing 3 turnovers on defense.
Cincinnati wins, 30-22.
Washington @ Detroit (-3)
The Redskins rumbled for 230 yards on the ground as Washington handed the Eagles their second consecutive loss, 27-20. The 'Skins are 4-2, one game behind the 5-1 Cowboys in the NFC East.
"Our offensive line looked like the 'Hogs' out there," Jay Gruden said. "I'm sure legendary Redskin John Riggins was impressed by that performance. You know, Riggins was actually a double threat for the 'Skins in his day. When he wasn't running for touchdowns, he was 'passing' out under tables in the White House."
Matthew Stafford passed for 270 yards and 4 touchdowns in the Lions' 31-28 win over the Rams. Stafford has 7 touchdowns in his last two games.
"Matthew's performance makes me want to scream in joy," Jim Caldwell said. "That's unusual for me, because I'm not the most outspoken coach in the NFL. I believe in speaking softly and carrying a big 'Staff.'
"Stafford's been one of the faces of the Lions since he was drafted in 2009. So he's been a big deal for going on eight years now. That's a pretty good amount of time. You could say he's a 'long-term deal.' Can you fault any quarterback, like Kirk Cousins, for example, for wanting the same thing?"
Washington wins, 24-21.
Oakland @ Jacksonville (-1)
The Raiders offense was stifled by the visiting Chiefs in a 26-10 loss at O.Co Stadium. Facing a 13-10 deficit at halftime, Oakland was shut out in the second half.
"This team is still trying to find its identity," Jack Del Rio said. "Right now, we're 4-2 and tied for first in the AFC West. Are we a first-place team? That's a case of mistaken identity.
"I'm thrilled to be returning to Jacksonville. I served as head coach in Jacksonville from 2003 to 2011. Things certainly have changed there. When I was there, there wasn't a swimming pool in the stadium. I think they call that the 'Cess Pool.' That makes the Jags the NFL's most watered-down franchise."
Raiders win, 28-24.
New Orleans @ Kansas City (-6½)
The Saints stormed to a 21-0 lead against the visiting Panthers and held on for a 41-38 win, their second in a row. Drew Brees passed for 456 yards and 4 touchdowns and topped 50,000 passing yards as a Saint.
"I'm sure watching his secondary is very irritating for Ron Rivera," Brees said. "And I mean really irritating, because he feels a serious 'burning' sensation.
"It won't be easy in Kansas City. The fans at Arrowhead Stadium give the Chiefs one of the best home-field advantages in the league. They also host what is arguably the best tailgating in the NFL. Kansas City-style pork ribs are a big hit before the games. But they're very messy to eat, and you can easily go through half-a-roll of paper towels while eating. That's why the Chiefs have instituted their own 'Bounty Program.'"
Spencer Ware rushed for 131 yards and a touchdown as the Chiefs piled up 183 yards on the ground in a 26-10 win over the Raiders.
"We had a full two weeks to prepare for the Raiders," Andy Reid said. "And I have a reputation for having my teams well-prepared in those situation. I've always said, 'If you give me a bye week, one thing is for certain: it's not the playoffs."
Saints win, 27-25.
Buffalo @ Miami (+3)
The Bills beat Colin Kaepernick and the 49ers 45-16 to improve to 4-2. LeSean McCoy rushed for 140 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Oh say can you see," Rex Ryan said, "McCoy crossing the goal line. LeSean was incredible, even after what appeared to be a serious knee injury. His physical gifts are special. Now, I can return the favor and call him a 'freak.'
"But let's give Chip Kelly credit. He's done okay with a team short on talent. One thing's for sure, the 49ers are not a 'star'-spangled team.
"As a team, we rushed for 312 yards. In the last four games, we've rushed for 847 yards. I'm all for the philosophy that you have to win games with your feet and not your arm. And that plays right into my foot fetish."
The Dolphins stunned the Steelers 30-15, rendering the supercharged Steelers offense mediocre. Ben Roethlisberger was held to 169 yards passing, and Antonio Brown had only 4 catches for 39 yards.
"I can't say enough about our team," Adam Gase said. "They all came to play. But before you can come to play on Sunday, you have to do other things, like come to practice, and safely exit the shower.
"Jay Ajayi rushed for 204 yards and 2 scores. We'll need a similar performance against the Bills. Jay has a rare combination of size and speed that reminds many of former Dolphin Ricky Williams. If his is anything like Ricky's, Jay's career path will lead down to a van parked on the beach."
Bills win, 26-16.
Baltimore @ NY Jets (even)
The Jets were hammered 28-3 at Arizona on Monday night as the New York offense again sputtered. Ryan Fitzpatrick was benched in favor of Geno Smith in the fourth quarter, although Fitzpatrick is expected to start against the Ravens.
"Ryan wasn't franchise-tagged during the offseason," Todd Bowles said. "He was 'price-tagged.'
"Joe Namath once did an advertisement for panty hose. Joe actually wore the hose. Ryan wears panty hose as well, as a disguise when he's out in public, so he won't be recognized."
The Ravens were burned continually by Odell Beckham, Jr., giving up two long scores, including the game-winning 66-yard TD catch with 1:24 left in the game in a 27-23 loss.
"Our defense did a terrible job against Beckham," John Harbaugh said. "Beckham is a big-play machine. You never know when he's gonna go deep. Personally, I think he'd be better off 'going deep' with a psychiatrist.
"The Jets are in the midst of quarterback uncertainty. I don't envy the position Todd Bowles is in. But he has the background and experience to handle the situation. Todd's forte is defense, and that comes in pretty handy when most of his time is spent 'defending' his quarterback."
Fitzpatrick loses the opening coin toss, when Geno Smith is named starter after Bowles flips a coin for the decision. It's by no means the last 50-50 proposition of the day, because most of Smith's passes are toss-ups.
Baltimore wins, 27-13.
Minnesota @ Philadelphia (+2½)
Sam Bradford returns to Philadelphia, leading the undefeated Vikings into Lincoln Financial Field to face the 4-1 Eagles.
"I'm back," Bradford said, "and I've got a chip on my shoulder, which is much better than a Chip in your ear.
"In Minnesota, the Vikes have a giant Viking horn called the "Gjallahorn' that they blow before the game. Here in Philly, the blowing is done after the game, in a thing called the 'Breathalyzer.'"
The Eagles lost their second straight game, falling 27-20 to the Redskins at FedEx Field. Carson Wentz struggled, completing only 11-of-22 passes for 179 yards, and was sacked 5 times.
"Carson looked like a rookie," Doug Pederson said. "Washington made him look stupid, and also made Cleveland look smarter.
"Carson will really be tested by the Vikings defense. But it could very well work as a confidence booster for Carson. If he's ever wanted to compare himself to Aaron Rodgers, Cam Newton, and Eli Manning, then he'll be able to after the Minnesota defense renders him useless."
When Bradford takes the field, Eagles fan show a rare soft side when they kindly choose to target him with AAA batteries instead of D cell's.
Vikings win, 17-13.
Indianapolis @ Tennessee (-2½)
The Titans held off a late Cleveland rally to preserve a 28-26 win over the Browns. Marcus Mariota passed for 284 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"We're 3-3," Mike Mularkey said, "only one game behind the 4-2 Texans. Only two games separate first and last place. So, is every team a contender for the division crown, or are there enough 'pretenders' to make a band? All four teams are targeting 'Jeff Fisher,' not as their next head coach, but because 8-8 should be good enough to win the division."
The Colts blew a 23-9 fourth quarter lead and lost 26-23 to the Texans in a crucial division game.
"We lack the ability to finish games," Chuck Pagano said. "And I may lack the ability to finish my contract.
"We're 2-4, but we have nobody to blame but ourselves, so we have to deal with it. As Jim Irsay likes to say, sometimes you just have to 'take your medicine, or someone else's.' We've backed ourselves in to a corner. Maybe that's partly my fault, but contrary to what disgruntled Colts fans may say, it's not the reason my coach's show is named 'Coach's Corner Because Of (Not With) Chuck Pagano.'"
Indy is in a must-win situation. With a loss, the Colts will be 2-5 and in dire straits. Andrew Luck vows to put the team on his back, as opposed to letting his offensive line put him on his back.
Colts win, 30-27.
San Diego @ Atlanta (-6½)
The Chargers overcame some late miscues and held on the beat the visiting Broncos 23-13 last Thursday. San Diego is 2-4, last in the AFC West.
"We desperately needed a win," Philip Rivers said. "That game was like our Super Bowl. Actually, I guess it wasn't like our Super Bowl. Usually, when we have a Super Bowl, we're not in it.
"Joey Bosa has really made our defense much more effective. His pressure on the quarterback is crucial. Local bars have started serving a mixed drink in his honor — it's called the 'White Rushin.'"
The Falcons suffered a heartbreaking 26-24 loss in Seattle, seeing their chance to win end on clear pass interference that wasn't called on the Seahawks.
"Richard Sherman clearly used his arm to impede Julio Jones," Dan Quinn said. "That's the most egregious misuse of an appendage in Seattle since Hope Solo's fist."
Atlanta wins, 32-27.
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco (+2)
The Bucs entering their Week 6 bye after a big 17-14 win over the Panthers. Tampa is 2-3, tied with the Saints for second in the NFC South.
"The NFC South is wide open," Jameis Winston said. "Anybody could win the division, except the Panthers. What's wrong with Carolina? The answer is not so simple, but if you want the 'short answer,' ask Cam Newton.
"I know I need to improve my accuracy. I want to be the best quarterback in the NFL, and I'm willing to work for it. It won't be easy. I've learned something about defenses and how to beat them — they won't let you do it if you're a star."
The 49ers lost big at Buffalo, falling 45-16 in Colin Kaepernick's first start this season. Kaepernick accounted for 253 total yards, but wasn't nearly enough against the Bills.
"Colin played well enough to earn another start against the Buccaneers," Chip Kelly said. "He would really have to have a monster game for his play to overshadow his national anthem protests. Colin the most controversial figure in San Francisco since Dirty Harry Callahan. And I'm not feeling so lucky, punk."
While Kaepernick kneels for the national anthem, Winston stands on a table for it.
49ers win, 24-21.
New England @ Pittsburgh (+7)
The Steelers were lethargic in a 30-15 loss at Miami last week. Ben Roethlisberger left the game briefly with a knee injury, which was revealed to a torn miniscus. Roethlisberger had surgery and will miss Sunday's game, and may possibly miss 4-6 weeks.
"It's not serious," Roethlisberger said. "The surgery is what's known as a simple cleanup. In fact, I got a wee bit excited when the doctor told me I was getting 'a little trim.'"
The Patriots whipped the Bengals 35-17 at Gillette Stadium to improve to 5-1. After a slow first half, Tom Brady heated up with two touchdowns in the second half.
"I really hope Roger Goodell is enjoying this," Brady said. "Roger is a conceited son of a gun. If Roger was a football and it was inflated with 'Goodell,' he would be 'full of himself.'
"Just think. Just a few short weeks ago, I was on a nude beach in Italy. It was beautiful, but in this day and age of social media, you don't want your genitalia showing up on the Internet. That's why I employed the 'Tuck Rule.'"
Patriots win, 34-20.
The Seahawks clipped the visiting Falcons 26-24, getting the winning score on Steven Haushka's 54-yard field goal with 1:57 left in the game. Seattle rushed for 72 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Our offensive line played a great game," Pete Carroll said. "Blocking isn't all about brute strength. A lot of has to do with technique. I think Richard Sherman would agree that those guys create interference better than anyone on the team."
David Johnson gashed the Jets defense for 111 yards and 3 touchdowns in the Cardinals 28-3 win on Monday night at University of Phoenix Stadium. Arizona is 3-3, two games behind the Seahawks in the NFC West.
"I think Johnson is just as talented as Le'Veon Bell," Bruce Arians said. "Fans of the Steelers would not agree. If you asked them to rate the NFL's running backs, they would rank Bell 'the highest.'"
Seattle wins, 22-20.
Houston at Denver (-7½)
After a 4-0 start, the Broncos have lost two in a row, the latest a 23-13 defeat at San Diego last Thursday.
"Trevor Siemian had to throw the ball 50 times," Von Miller said. "Luckily, he has the arm for it. Brock Osweiler's right arm is best used for signing a contract.
"I think we now all understand why Peyton Manning said 'Omaha!' at the line of scrimmage so much last year. He was simply advising Osweiler on a good match for his skill set, and the Omaha Beef of the Arena Football League are always on the lookout for a quarterback of Brock's talent."
Osweiler found his groove in the fourth quarter last week against the Colts, throwing two touchdowns in the quarter to force overtime. Nick Novak kicked the winner in OT to give Houston a 26-23 win.
"Maybe Brock has turned a corner," Bill O'Brien said. "Thank goodness. Before that, he was struggling and making lots of errors. After every mistake, I would frustratingly ask him, 'What's your deal?' And every time, he would sarcastically answer, 'Four years, $72 million.'
"But Monday night's outcome was a career-defining moment for Brock. That's great, but it's not that great. What's so special about a career-defining moment that takes place in Week 6 of the regular season?"
Broncos win, 24-13.
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