Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch — Busch won his second consecutive race, passing Martin Truex, Jr. on a restart with 33 laps to go and cruising to the win in the Duck Commander 500.
"That two wins in two weeks," Busch said, "in two different states, both pretty convincingly. What I've done to the rest of the field is known as 'Interstate Battery.'
"It's funny, given the misguided political opinions of the likes of Brian France and Phil Robertson, that NASCAR has become a haven for people endorsing candidates. Much like American presidential elections, NASCAR crowns a winner in November. That will be me. I'm here today to announce my 2016 slogan for repeating as Sprint Cup champion: 'Make America One-Eight Again.'"
2. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson finished fourth at Texas, posting his fourth top-five of the season.
"We got off to a shaky start," Johnson said. "On our first pit stop, I banged the back of Kyle Busch's car. That left the No. 48 Chevrolet with some damage to the nose. That, of course, made the car difficult to drive. Trust me. I'm a triathlete — I know an 'out-of-shape' car when I see one."
3. Kevin Harvick — Harvick finished 10th at Texas, earning his sixth top-10 of the season. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, seven behind Kyle Busch.
"We had a top-10 car," Harvick said, "and nothing else. It was clear early on that we weren't going to win. In other words, we 'didn't have a prayer,' which would also happen to be a good position for NASCAR to take in regards to pre-race ceremonies."
4. Carl Edwards — Edwards, along with Martin Truex, Jr., has one of the fields best cars at Texas, but failed to secure the win due to a loose wheel with 113 laps to go.
"Speaking of a 'screw loose,'" Edwards said, "did you hear Phil Robertson's pre-race prayer? It was more quotable than the Bible itself.
"Now, I'm frankly sick and tired of congratulating Kyle Busch on his victories. If he wants a pat on the back, he'll have to get it from someone else, because when I joined JGR, I promised Matt kenseth I wouldn't raise a hand to anyone."
5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt finished second in the Duck Commander 500 at Texas as Kyle Busch took the win.
"Once Kyle got into clean air," Earnhardt said, "there was no stopping him. I think Phil Robertson said it best when he quipped, 'Jesus man, that car is fast.'
"Texas Motor Speedway had on display the taxidermied 'Lil' Dale' goat. That goat rose to fame when it was born in 2002 with a marking on its side that looked like the No. 3. Despite the fact that 'Lil' Dale' is a male, he's been milked for all he's worth."
6. Kurt Busch — Busch took ninth in the Duck Commander 500 as younger brother Kyle gained his second consecutive win.
"Kyle is on a roll," Busch said. "He won four races across three NASCAR series in eight days. You can say he's done just about everything, except accuse his wife of being an assassin."
"In his pre-race prayer, Phil Robertson asked the Lord to put a 'Jesus man' in the White House. I'm not sure Robertson is qualified to speak intelligently about religion or politics, or to speak intelligently period. But you know the old saying: 'Robertson 3:16 says I'm just talking out my ass.'"
7. Joey Logano — Logano finished third in the Duck Commander 500, recording his third top-five finish of the year.
"Dale Earnhardt, Jr. created a stir on Twitter," Logano said, "when he tweeted about eating a banana and mayonnaise sandwich. I received a lot of unwanted responses, because Junior happened to add '#SlicedBread' to his tweet."
8. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin started sixth and finished 12th as Joe Gibbs Racing placed all four cars in the top 12, led by Kyle Busch's win. Hamlin is eighth in the points standings, 58 out of first.
"JGR is building a dynasty," Hamlin said, "and unlike some other 'dynasties,' this one isn't full of quacks. And speaking of 'duck calls,' did you hear the national anthem performed by Will Robertson? He hit all the notes. And by 'all' the notes, I mean one. But Will has one thing going for him — he's adopted."
9. Brad Keselowski — Keselowski finished 19th at Texas and is now eighth in the points standings, 58 out of first.
"Once again," Keselowski said, "politics made its way into NASCAR when Phil Robertson prayed for a 'Jesus man' in the White House. This happened just weeks after Brian France endorsed Donald Trump for President. What's next? Robertson and France start a NASCAR team and call it 'Presidential Racing?'"
10. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex led a race-high 147 laps but couldn't hold off Kyle Busch on a late restart, and eventually finished fifth.
"I clearly had the best car," Truex said, "but what I lacked was a little luck, or maybe a little bible, and a little guns. But I don't need anyone to tell me that we let a win slip away. I also don't need anyone to tell me who to vote for, or anyone to pray for me."
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