Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Tennessee @ Jacksonville (-3)
The 3-7 Jaguars host the 2-7 Titans in a key AFC South matchup.
"We lost 27-10 to the Panthers last week on our home field," Marcus Mariota said. "Unlike Cam Newton, I don't find that 'grounds for celebration.'
"It's a battle for last place in the division, but it is by no means an unimportant game. In this sorry division, the line between meaningful and meaningless is very slim."
The Jaguars shocked the Ravens 22-20, winning on Jason Myers' 53-yard field goal as time expired.
"That kick was made possible by Elvis Dumervil's facemask penalty," Blake Bortles said. "Of course, that penalty was made possible by a missed false start penalty that should have been called on us. It's true what everyone's been saying — officials have no idea what a catch is, because they should have 'caught' that penalty.
"We'll be wearing gold uniforms on Thursday night. It will be a special night, because the color of our uniforms will match that of the pool in EverBank Field."
Tennessee wins, 24-22.
Oakland @ Detroit (+1½)
The Lions stunned the Packers 18-16 at Lambeau Field last week. The win snapped a 24-game road losing streak to Green Bay.
"We silenced the Green Bay crowd," Matthew Stafford said. "They weren't even making a 'Lambeau Peep.'
"We're 2-7, so we're not too excited about the win. We're not going to be chanting 'We're No. 1' on February 7th, but we'd certainly like to be saying that on April 28th, the date of the 2016 NFL Draft."
The Raiders dropped to 4-5 after a 30-14 loss to the visiting Vikings last week.
"Adrian Peterson ran right through us," Jack Del Rio said. "At least for the day, O.co Stadium became the 'Gaping Hole.'
"We trail the Broncos by three games in the AFC West. That deficit may seem insurmountable, but Denver is in disarray. Peyton Manning has one foot in a grave situation, and the Broncos Super Bowl run may be decided on the arm of Brock Osweiler. If anyone in Denver thinks Osweiler can lead the Broncos to the Super Bowl, then they must be a mile high."
Matthew Stafford passes for 3 touchdowns, two to Calvin Johnson.
Detroit wins, 29-23.
Indianapolis @ Atlanta (-6)
The Colts spent a worrisome bye week concerned about the health of Andrew Luck, who was diagnosed with a lacerated kidney. Luck is expected to be out 2-6 weeks.
"There has been a lot of mystery surrounding Andrew's internal injuries this year," Chuck Pagano said. "Already, conspiracy theories are rampant, with many saying it was an 'inside' job.
"I promise Andrew will be back this year, and not only will trumpets hail his return, so will the electronic piano housed inside Lucas Oil Stadium. We call it the 'Internal Organ.'"
The Falcons emerged from their bye week looking to end a two-game losing streak that has tarnished a five-game winning streak to start the season.
"We hope to return to the form we displayed at the start of the season," Matt Ryan said. "But, as full recoveries go, Andrew Luck's is more likely than ours."
Atlanta wins, 29-27.
NY Jets @ Houston (+2½)
The Jets lost to the Bills 22-17 at MetLife Stadium is Rex Ryan's first game against the Jets since being fired last year.
"Geno Smith apparently called a reporter a 'dickhead,'" Ryan Fitzpatrick said. "No, he wasn't a guest on ESPN's 'First Take' with Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith. Of course, this isn't the first time a dickhead's made an appearance in an NFL locker room. Remember the Patriots locker room, September 1990? Lisa Olson can't forget."
Jets win, 20-13.
Tampa Bay @ Philadelphia (-7)
Jameis Winston's 1-yard touchdown run with under a minute left in the fourth quarter gave the Buccaneers a 10-6 win over the Cowboys in Dallas. Tampa improved to 4-5.
"I would call that my first 'signature' victory on an NFL field," Winston said. "I'm not an NBA player, but I've already had a signature victory in the 'courts.'"
The Eagles raced to a 16-3 lead over the Dolphins last week, but faltered late and lost 20-19, taking a hit to their NFC East title aspirations. Sam Bradford was knocked out of the game with a concussion and injured left shoulder, and will likely miss Sunday's game.
"After a devastating defeat like that," Chip Kelly said, "I like to go to Independence Hall, find and empty bathroom, and unload, emotionally and physically. I call it my 'mourning Constitutional.'
"While Bradford recovers, Mark Sanchez will start. Mark's a proven winner in this league. He's started in two AFC Championship games, but, unfortunately, he's most known for the 'butt fumble.' In that play, Sanchez ran into the back of one of his offensive linemen and lost the ball. It was embarrassing. Kenny Stabler would have turned that play into a touchdown. Tom Brady would have turned it into a rule change. Ryan Leaf would have turned it into meth."
Sanchez passes for a score, runs for a score, and throws an interception. In other word, everything "but fumble."
Philadelphia wins, 27-17.
Denver @ Chicago (+1½)
Peyton Manning broke Brett Favre's record for all-time passing yardage, but that was the lone highlight in the Broncos 29-13 loss to the Chiefs. Manning was benched in the third quarter after posting a zero passer rating.
"First of all," DeMaryius Thomas said, "congratulations to Peyton for breaking Favre's record. If he keeps throwing, he'll soon have another of Favre's records — most interceptions thrown.
"I don't think you need Aqib Talib to point out what our problem is. Peyton is breaking down physically. He can't do the things a younger Peyton could do. His mind says 'Yes' but something else is telling him 'No.' Keep in mind, I'm talking about Peyton, not Jameis Winston."
The Bears played their best game of the year, smoking the Rams, 37-13. Jay Cutler passed for 3 touchdowns to lead Chicago to their second consecutive win.
"As you probably know," Cutler said, "I formerly played in Denver. But they soon grew tired of my act. So, in more ways than one, the Broncos told me to 'take a hike.'"
The Broncos' defense steps up, forcing a late Cutler turnover to seal a sloppy win.
Denver wins, 27-20.
Green Bay @ Minnesota (-1)
The Packers lost 18-16 to Detroit, and in doing so, fell out of first place in the NFC North. The 6-3 Packers trail the 7-2 Vikings.
"The Lions nullified our running game," Aaron Rodgers said, "forcing me to throw the ball 61 times. Of those 61, 26 were incompletions. If Brett Favre was a 'gunslinger,' then at least for one day, I was the 'unslinger.'"
The Vikings cruised to a 30-14 win at Oakland last week, powered by 203 yards rushing and a touchdown from Adrian Peterson.
"Peterson carried the load," Mike Zimmer said, "and he will do the same against the Packers. That's no brag, just fact. A.P. lives by the motto, 'speak softly and carry a big stick.' Believe you me, he won't spare the rod."
The Vikings attack the Green Bay defense at its weakest spot ... on the field. Peterson churns out 112 yards on 21 carries for 1 touchdown, and the Vikings win, 23-20.
St. Louis @ Baltimore (-1)
The Rams were spanked 37-13 by the visiting Bears last week, surrendering nearly 400 yards of total offense and several big plays in the passing game.
"Frankly," Jeff Fisher said, "I'm embarrassed by our performance. Our offense was ineffective, and our defense couldn't stop anyone. Apparently, that huge arch outside the Edward Jones Dome is the 'Gateway to the End Zone.'
"I've benched Nick Foles and Case Keenum will get the start. We're hoping Case can give the offense a spark. Unfortunately, the last time someone lit a fire under this team, our turf caught on fire and we lost the game. That certainly won't happen at M&T Bank Stadium. The only thing that gets burned there are Ravens defenders."
Elvis Dumervil's facemask penalty on Blake Bortles allowed Jason Myers to kick the game-winning field goal, giving the Jaguars a stunning 22-20 win over the Ravens.
"That was just a stupid play on Elvis' part," John Harbaugh said. "I was so upset, I told Elvis to leave the building. He did, and checked into the 'Heartbreak Hotel.' Elvis was mad at himself, as well. He was watching the replay of the play of television, and was so upset, he shot the TV. If only Ray Rice had thought of that."
St. Louis wins, 29-16.
Dallas @ Miami (even)
The Cowboys lost 10-6 to the Buccaneers and have now lost seven-straight games.
"All without Tony Romo," Jason Garrett said. "But guess what? Romo is expected to play against the Dolphins. Everyone is excited. What's that sound you hear? It's Dez Bryant marching down the street yelling the news to reporters. It's called a 'Tirade Parade.'
"Even at 2-7, we're still alive in the NFC East. The Giants lead the division at 5-5. Using rudimentary math, and Jason Pierre-Paul's fingers, I calculate a 2½-game deficit."
The Dolphins brushed off a 13-point first quarter hole and stormed back to beat the Eagles in Philadelphia, 20-19.
"This team is still searching for its identity," Ryan Tannehill said. "Are we the Joe Philbin-coached team that loses by 27 to the Bills, the Dan Campbell-led team that loses by 29 to the Patriots, the Dan Campbell-led team that beats the Titans by 28, or the Nick Saban-led team that just up and quits?"
Dallas wins, 24-20.
Washington @ Carolina (-8)
The Redskins hammered the Saints 47-14 as Kirk Cousins passed for 4 touchdowns.
"Four touchdowns against the Saints," Cousins said, "is, well, disappointing. I felt like I could have had 8. It's like what Rob Ryan said at Thanksgiving: 'There's always room for more.'
"We did the Saints a favor, leaving them no choice but to fire Ryan. I hear Ryan took the news graciously and with dignity. If there's one thing I know about Rob Ryan, it's that he won't get defensive."
The Panthers remained undefeated after whipping the Titans, 27-10, in Nashville. Carolina is 9-0, three games up on the Falcons in the NFC South.
"Nine wins would have won the South last year," Cam Newton said, "by two games.
"If I see a Redskins sign in Bank of America Stadium, I will rip it down. Why? Because it's disrespectful to the 'natives.'
"If we beat the Redskins, we'll head to Dallas undefeated for a Thanksgiving Day game against the Cowboys and public enemy No. 76 Greg Hardy. Hardy has done and said some controversial games. I think he just wants to be recognized. So why don't we call this the 'Greg Hardy Memorial Game?' I think everyone can agree that Hardy needs to die anyway."
Carolina wins, 26-15.
San Francisco @ Seattle (-13)
The 49ers are 3-6, last in the NFC West, but entered their bye week with a 17-16 win over the Falcons. Blaine Gabbert led San Fran to the win in that game, and will start against the Seahawks.
"Blaine gives us the best chance to win," Mike Tomsula said. "In hindsight, this organization may have rushed things with Colin Kaepernick. Colin may be 'inked,' but he should have been 'penciled in' as the long-term solution at QB."
The Seahawks defense gave up 451 yards of total offense to the Cardinals, and that, coupled with a lackluster performance from Russell Wilson, spelled a 39-32 defeat.
"If you took an unofficial survey on the streets of Seattle," Pete Carroll said, "I bet every '12th Man' would say the Seahawks sucked."
Seattle wins, 30-12.
Kansas City @ San Diego (+3)
The Chiefs intercepted Peyton Manning four times on their way to a 29-13 win over the Broncos last week.
"We took the ball from Manning four times," Eric Berry said. "Somebody needs to take the ball from him for good."
The 2-7 Chargers look to end a five-game losing streak on Sunday.
"You may not realize this," Philip Rivers said, "but I'm the NFL's only option quarterback. That's because in our offense, our 'only option' is to throw the ball."
Chiefs win, 28-26.
Cincinnati @ Arizona (-3)
The Cardinals outlasted the Seahawks last Sunday night, winning 39-32 behind 363 yards passing and three touchdowns from Carson Palmer. With the win, 7-2 Arizona now holds a three-game lead in the NFC West.
"The 'Legion of Boom' looks like the 'Legion of Bust,' Carson Palmer said.
"I played seven years in Cincinnati before demanding a trade and threatening to retire. I guess the Bengals called my bluff, because I was traded to the Raiders. And guess what? I was unhappy there and let the Raiders know it. Then I got traded to the Cardinals. If I would have been traded to the Packers in that situation, it would have been a case of 'whine and cheese.'"
Arizona wins, 27-21.
Buffalo @ New England (-7)
Stephen Gostkowski's 54-yard field goal with one second left gave the Patriots a 27-26 win over the Giants at MetLife Stadium.
"I thought my offensive line did a great job of protecting me," Tom Brady said. "I was sacked only three times, and Jason Pierre-Paul didn't lay one hand on me, or any of his 8½ fingers. But J.P.P. need not despair. He is well-respected in New England, by Patriots fans and lobsters alike.
"Rex Ryan got a little too excited about a mere victory over the Jets. Rex celebrates wins over the Jets more than I celebrate Super Bowl wins. That makes sense, because he's only got one of them."
The Bills seek to avenge their Week 2 40-32 loss to the Patriots in Buffalo, as well as knock the Patriots from the ranks of the unbeaten.
"I'm an excitable fellow," Ryan said. "My fist must have been deflated, because I pumped it incessantly against the Jets.
"We know the Patriots have been known to steal signals. For that reason, we're scrapping audio signals and implementing signs with visual cues. My first one is 'Eye-Heart-Feet.'"
Patriots win, 30-20.
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